One and done dilema

[MrS80]

Hi fellow Dads,

Need a sounding board as I am feeling really anxious about my current situation. So trying to cut long story short, I am not keen to have another child. We have a lovely 4yr old who starts school in September. Initially I was not against another child but we didn't start trying again until our current was 2yrs (felt a sensible gap) but it never happened as my Wife has very iiregular periods (Dr actually said was lucky to have one). Anyway as time as ticked on and we moved out of the baby/early toddler phase I really started to not want to go back to those stages and started to really like the balace of one child - arraging childcare much easier, less financial costs, able to take turns and still get to do lots of our hobbies, easier holidays abroad etc. It kinda felt to me 'if its not broke why try fix it' and I was honest with my Wife on this. So my Wife went back on the pill whilst we took time to decide. In the past 12 months a few of the Mums at nursery have fallen pregnant or had a second and now my Wife wants another but I am really now in the 'one and done' camp.

I feel like she is just feeling that she doesn't want to be the odd one out with one child, rather than actually considering the additional pressure a second child can add as she did start to seem content we would have one until others started having a second around us.

I really can see the long term benefits of one child, and when I look around my network of friends it just seems the ones that have one (choice or not) just seem more happy as opposed to those that have two or more and just seem stressed, kids run their lives or they are separated!!

Any words of advice or experiences more than welcome.

 

[DannyK]

Hey @MrS80

I have some experience with this..

Our daughter (now aged 5) was born when I was 45 and my (now) Ex was 43.

When daughter was aged 2, despite us being in our mid-late 40's my Ex issued me with an ultimatum; "I want another child or I'm leaving with daughter".

I thought (and so did friends and (my) family) that this would pass and she would accept the reality of having "one and done" - which is what we agreed when we met - due to our ages and already having our daughter (a toddler at the time).

Unfortunately the threats and ultimatums got worse, and I was on the brink of having a secret vasectomy when I finally cracked and told my Ex I didn't want to have another child.

Two days later she kept her word and left (and moved in with her mother) with our daughter whilst I was away on a 4 day work trip, texting me "I want to start a family".. despite the fact we already had one.

That was nearly 3 years ago and those past 3 years have been a brutal battle, consisting of 2x court proceedings, circa £15k legal costs (which is nothing compared to what many Dads have spent), false allegations of domestic violence, child abuse, a Social Services investigation, you name it.

I was recently awarded 5x overnights per fortnight with daughter, half holidays, and even a "lives with order" (similar to what used to be considered "joint custody") - but despite this I live in fear, of every time the phone rings that it will be Social Services (or whoever) telling me that another investigation is / has taken place and that I may lose access to my daughter..

But to return to your dilemma - I've had a lot of sleepless nights, where I wonder what would've happened if I'd just gone ahead with it and had another kid with her.. But my Ex turned out to be so selfish, spiteful and detached from reality that I'm sure she would've found something else to obsess over (that I wouldn't / couldn't deliver on) and I would be a single Dad (now aged 50) to TWO under 6 year olds.

Sorry - I'm not sure this answers your question, but I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

It's a tough one.