No happy endings

[JX11]

Completed family court a few months ago after nearly 2 years of hell, got a CAO for 50/50 which I already had informally. I don’t see it as any kind of victory I resented been forced to go through the process, it was intrusive and unnecessary.
I have so many regrets. I really look back and think what the hell made me make a lot of decisions I did. The biggest single peace of advice I would give anyone is avoid family solicitors like the plague, scrutinise them meticulously if you do use them this has been said a lot on the forum. They are so invested and part of the system a lot of the time they are just going through the motions. My solicitors bill was over £50k, not money well spent.

Learn to articulate your points, no barrister or solicitor knows your story better than you.
Do not treat it like a “court” and give it that reverence, back yourself, never beg for what you are entitled to. Repeat the mantra “I am not on trial” do not fall into this trap. Write your narrative and continually remind others of this. It is a negotiation always remember your bottom line.
The only one who cares about your children are you - not the judges / cafcass/ social workers.
I faced some horrible allegations- at the end of the day I chose not to even read a worthless report by some LA social worker, why give it any credence, you know the truth.

Never in my life did I understand how some fathers can just cut there losses and give up there kids, now I have more empathy for this than ever. At the end of the road I even started questioning could I do this. Could I start again, why should I subject myself to this and another decade plus of turmoil. Honestly I still ask myself this.

Worst of all this process has eroded my ability as a parent and made me resent my kids.

My conclusion family court is a tool to destroy mens lives. The deck is stacked against us.

 

[nothernsoul]

You resent your kids?

I'd sleep on that comment for a few days and revisit.

You're on the wrong thread if that's the case.

 

[Resolute]

Completed family court a few months ago after nearly 2 years of hell, got a CAO for 50/50 which I already had informally. I don’t see it as any kind of victory I resented been forced to go through the process, it was intrusive and unnecessary.
I have so many regrets. I really look back and think what the hell made me make a lot of decisions I did. The biggest single peace of advice I would give anyone is avoid family solicitors like the plague, scrutinise them meticulously if you do use them this has been said a lot on the forum. They are so invested and part of the system a lot of the time they are just going through the motions. My solicitors bill was over £50k, not money well spent.

Learn to articulate your points, no barrister or solicitor knows your story better than you.
Do not treat it like a “court” and give it that reverence, back yourself, never beg for what you are entitled to. Repeat the mantra “I am not on trial” do not fall into this trap. Write your narrative and continually remind others of this. It is a negotiation always remember your bottom line.
The only one who cares about your children are you - not the judges / cafcass/ social workers.
I faced some horrible allegations- at the end of the day I chose not to even read a worthless report by some LA social worker, why give it any credence, you know the truth.

Never in my life did I understand how some fathers can just cut there losses and give up there kids, now I have more empathy for this than ever. At the end of the road I even started questioning could I do this. Could I start again, why should I subject myself to this and another decade plus of turmoil. Honestly I still ask myself this.

Worst of all this process has eroded my ability as a parent and made me resent my kids.

My conclusion family court is a tool to destroy mens lives. The deck is stacked against us.

The resentment can become pervasive. I have found myself letting it bleed into the time I have to be a father.

When this happens I remind myself that I am sacrificing the very thing I am fighting for - doing my ex's job for her.

 

[Peanut 21]

You resent your kids?

I'd sleep on that comment for a few days and revisit.

You're on the wrong thread if that's the case.

I don't think it's the wrong thread. The OP was opening up and being totally honest. I don't think he should be turned away as this should be a place to say things you can't say to family/friends.

I found the post very authentic and there should be sympathy towards this dad who has been through the ringer.

I understand the resentment even if it is irrational and wrong to feel that way. It may be a passing feeling.

 

[Captain27]

Well written post.

So many have been through this and understand.

Life does not prepare you.

The systems, once believed in, are found to be subject to coercion.

Truth is diluted and painted into a grotesque representation false reality, the artist a blindfolded person in a position of influence using a palette of prejudice, used to justify irrational and life altering decisions.

I dropped almost £100K on the first innings that lead to a 30/70 spends time order - represented throughout…..

2nd round - represented myself. 50/50 lives with Father. same facts as the first round - returned to court by other party with a few further allegations made to add to bundle weight.

3rd round - returned to court by other party (even with a S91 14 in place), more false allegations. representing myself. So so so tired of it all.

CAFCASS S7 #3 has finally painted a picture that resembles the subject.

Soul destroying.

 

[nothernsoul]

JX11 I owe you an apology.

I have reread your post and the following comments and I responded far too quickly.

I am sorry.

 

[ataloss]

if you already had 50/50 why did you have to go to court?

 

[mva]

You resent your kids?

I'd sleep on that comment for a few days and revisit.

You're on the wrong thread if that's the case.

I think it’s unfair to have a dig when good people are only being honesty.

I can completely relate. I see my kids once every two weeks for 7hrs supervised. I don’t like seeing them, it reminds me off all we are missing out off, I can’t really be a dad. It brings constant memories of the past when we were so close and I was fully part of my life. I love my sons but am unsettled before and after. I see them , put on an act , show them unconditional love but hate it.

This forum only works if people are honest.

Otherwise we go down that macho BS of “fight for your kids at all costs” which can leave dads suicidal, bankrupt and homeless. Which is no good for the kids either.

 

[Peanut 21]

To be fair to Northensoul he's apologised

 

[Ash]

I am really sorry you've been through two years of hell and it sounds like you kept belief and faith in yourself, which is important. I agree absolutely about solicitors. I had three further, short, court applications after my final hearing and I only used a direct access barrister after my experiences with solicitors. I also made it very clear to the barrister, I was not leaving court without the order written up and left for sealing. And he obliged. Cut out the middle man. Yes it means you have to do some paperwork yourself or hire a solicitor for a one off job - eg to exchange statements or do the bundle - but that isn't essential.

You feel damaged by the process and have to carry on being a parent. I don't know how long it is since your case finished, but it can take a few weeks to feel normal again. And put it behind you and regain that joy you have with your kids. However bad you feel, just remember, they are carrying guilt for you being like this. That should help keep a perspective.

All I can suggest is having "time out" when the kids aren't there, to find yourself again and feel normal again. Long walks help - doing things that make you laugh.

It's surreal to suddenly just carry on after all this - but it is possible. I found I was hyper vigilant and almost addicted to legal proceedings - seeing everything as legal. Within a few weeks we all had some normality again.

So whatever has been done to you - remember you rose above it, you didn't give up - and in the background, your kids will be very glad you stuck things out for them. They are pawns in all this too.

It feels like life will never be the same again. In some ways it won't - it will be like starting over - but in time the happy memories will drown out the bad ones. So that is another strategy now - make new happy memories. Live life, do fun things with your kids. Look evil in the eye and spit on it - metaphorically.

It's clear you're still feeling negative to say "no happy endings" - there will be a happy ending - you just haven't got there yet. Forget about courts and professionals and focus on what matters now - day to day living and bringing up your kids. But you need to find a way to help yourself so you can be that good parent and good human being again. Life is full of injustices - don't let it eat away at you. Count your blessings - it really helps.

 

[JX11]

if you already had 50/50 why did you have to go to court?

It was informal, at first time round had safeguarding / initial DRA and then to mediation agreed 50/50 so judge agreed to vacate, again another mistake should have had it formalised, then about 6 months later changed her mind and wanted kids fulltime, she didn’t like I was getting on with my life kids were happy and we had a nice routine, it was all just so unnecessary, fighting to get nowhere. Usual mud slinging accusations flowed. Second round again went to DRA and ordered section 7. Against advice of initial safeguarding.

 

[JX11]

JX11 I owe you an apology.

I have reread your post and the following comments and I responded far too quickly.

I am sorry.

Thanks, apology not required.

 

[JX11]

I am really sorry you've been through two years of hell and it sounds like you kept belief and faith in yourself, which is important. I agree absolutely about solicitors. I had three further, short, court applications after my final hearing and I only used a direct access barrister after my experiences with solicitors. I also made it very clear to the barrister, I was not leaving court without the order written up and left for sealing. And he obliged. Cut out the middle man. Yes it means you have to do some paperwork yourself or hire a solicitor for a one off job - eg to exchange statements or do the bundle - but that isn't essential.

You feel damaged by the process and have to carry on being a parent. I don't know how long it is since your case finished, but it can take a few weeks to feel normal again. And put it behind you and regain that joy you have with your kids. However bad you feel, just remember, they are carrying guilt for you being like this. That should help keep a perspective.

All I can suggest is having "time out" when the kids aren't there, to find yourself again and feel normal again. Long walks help - doing things that make you laugh.

It's surreal to suddenly just carry on after all this - but it is possible. I found I was hyper vigilant and almost addicted to legal proceedings - seeing everything as legal. Within a few weeks we all had some normality again.

So whatever has been done to you - remember you rose above it, you didn't give up - and in the background, your kids will be very glad you stuck things out for them. They are pawns in all this too.

It feels like life will never be the same again. In some ways it won't - it will be like starting over - but in time the happy memories will drown out the bad ones. So that is another strategy now - make new happy memories. Live life, do fun things with your kids. Look evil in the eye and spit on it - metaphorically.

It's clear you're still feeling negative to say "no happy endings" - there will be a happy ending - you just haven't got there yet. Forget about courts and professionals and focus on what matters now - day to day living and bringing up your kids. But you need to find a way to help yourself so you can be that good parent and good human being again. Life is full of injustices - don't let it eat away at you. Count your blessings - it really helps.

Thanks for your reply Ash, i only wish I found this forum earlier in my journey, shared knowledge is so valuable, we are all essentially in the same boat fighting to survive and move forward. There was a time I was on this site everyday and the situation was consuming my whole life. Yes the injustices were what I couldn’t resolve in my mind and still can’t , but yes I am in a better place than I was 6 months ago. I have my kids but it has come at a cost to my career and financially and impacted the life I could provide for them. But yes I have the most precious commodity, time to spend with them while they still are young and need me. So onwards and upwards.

 

[JX11]

Well written post.

So many have been through this and understand.

Life does not prepare you.

The systems, once believed in, are found to be subject to coercion.

Truth is diluted and painted into a grotesque representation false reality, the artist a blindfolded person in a position of influence using a palette of prejudice, used to justify irrational and life altering decisions.

I dropped almost £100K on the first innings that lead to a 30/70 spends time order - represented throughout…..

2nd round - represented myself. 50/50 lives with Father. same facts as the first round - returned to court by other party with a few further allegations made to add to bundle weight.

3rd round - returned to court by other party (even with a S91 14 in place), more false allegations. representing myself. So so so tired of it all.

CAFCASS S7 #3 has finally painted a picture that resembles the subject.

Soul destroying.

Hit the nail on the head, it is never done. I am on round 2 but I don’t doubt round 3 will be on the horizon. Just to get to the point where someone can see what is going on!!!!

 

[Ash]

Thanks for your reply Ash, i only wish I found this forum earlier in my journey, shared knowledge is so valuable, we are all essentially in the same boat fighting to survive and move forward. There was a time I was on this site everyday and the situation was consuming my whole life. Yes the injustices were what I couldn’t resolve in my mind and still can’t , but yes I am in a better place than I was 6 months ago. I have my kids but it has come at a cost to my career and financially and impacted the life I could provide for them. But yes I have the most precious commodity, time to spend with them while they still are young and need me. So onwards and upwards.

I do hear you. I am older now and have no life savings and a tatty house! But my son did come to live with me. People are important and you can't buy that. Onwards and upwards