Hi everyone,
This will be long so I apologize in advance. I'm at the start of a divorce and I don't know what to do.
In September 2023 my wife found out that I had slept with someone at the start of 2022, we were separated at the time. Its not an excuse and I shouldn't have done what I did and it is the biggest regret of my life.
When she found out I left the house and stayed on family members sofas for a week and a half. I went back to the house and poured my heart out to my wife. For the next 7 months I stayed at the house but my wife wouldn't give me a answer in regards to saving our marriage. One minute she would ask me if I was looking for somewhere else to live, the next we were sleeping together but it was only ever on her terms. This screwed with my head because I didn't know where I stood with her. Most days we would carry on like a normal family.
In April of 2024 she went to visit her family during a half term break, she left on a Tuesday and later that evening she sent me a text asking me to be gone by the Saturday when she would be coming back. I had one day off (Weds) before going back to work for 4 days of 12hr shifts, 7am to 7pm. I told her that I had no where to go and I would leave when I found somewhere I could afford.
On the Saturday I did half a day at work because there wasn't much to do. When I got back to the house my wife and kids weren't there. About 30 mins later they came back home (they had pooped into town). Everything seemed ok, made her a cup of tea, was chatting as normal etc. etc. My wife then said that she was going down to the park to meet a friend so my son could play with her friends son at the park.
Around two hours later I had the police at the door. I thought they were there to check the CCTV footage as we have a camera on the front of the house and they've been round before to ask to check it. When I asked them if that's what they were here for they said no and asked where my wife was. I told them she out and I then got arrested for rape and coercive control. I couldn't believe it. Was taken to the police station and locked up till 2:30 the next day.
When I saw the duty solicitor I was told the rape allegation was for 2009 and the coercive control was for the 18 years we had been together. Even the the duty solicitor said that what my wife had written in her statement was the biggest load of BS they had ever seen. One of the things in the coercive control allegation was that I criticized her washing up.
When I was interviewed the rape allegation wasn't even mentioned, only the coercive control. I was put on 3 months bail and told not to contact my wife or go near the house. I was made homeless overnight. The only reason they put the bail in place was because my wife had refused to sign the statement she gave them. Even the duty solicitor pleaded with them not to put the bail in place.
I managed to find a studio flat about a week after I got kicked out of the house, its not great but its all I can afford. After the bail ended I went back to the house so I could start collecting my stuff. I didn't have a go at my wife or anything like that.
Over the next few months I would go to the house to either collect my stuff or see my kids (one is 7 and the other is 13). A few times my wife invited me to go round for dinner and to see the kids. She asked me on a couple of occasions to go round and check on the cat when she would go to Luton to see her family. I also got asked to sit in the house and wait for the plumber to turn up, which I did.
Because of the extra bills and paying my wife money for the kids I couldn't afford the studio flat I was in, the wife had gone to the CMS to get money for the kids, I don't have a problem with paying towards my kids and had told her that we need to sit down and discuses it but she decided to go straight to them. They wanted me to pay £550 a month. When I was art the house we would both put x amount into a joint account which would take care of all the bills.
I told my wife that I was moving back to the house as I had every legal right to do so. The house is on a joint mortgage. She said that I was forcing her to live with me, didn't matter that she had me forced out of the house with the aid of the police. She told me that if I moved back in she would phone the police again. I phoned the police to tell them this and I was told that this amounts to coercive control and she may be arrested for it (she never was).
About a week later I went to pick my son up from school and went to the house to collect his iPad to keep him entertained while at my studio flat only to find out that she had the locks changed. I was angry that she had done this (I think anyone would have been) and I called her a B**** and a c*** in front of my son which I know was a stupid thing to do. She had recorded this on a video doorbell.
I sent her a message to sat I wanted a key as it was classed as illegal eviction. She gave me a key a few days later.
About a week later I get a knock at my door and a women handed me an envelope and walked off. When I opened it, it was a court summons for a Non-molestation order and a occupational order. I couldn't believe the things my wife had written in her statement.
She told the courts that I raped her in 2022 (not 2009) and it was twice in one week, I kicked my sone half way across the room with steel toe capped boots on and stuff like that.
The court date was a week later and there was no way I could afford a solicitor. I wrote a 56 page statement to the courts of my version of events with screen shots of text messages. She hadn't provided any evidence, just her word on what she says happened.
I was handed the two courts orders put in place for a year, I still believe that because I didn't have a solicitor they walked all over me. Everything I put in my statement was used against me. I told them that I have been through 3 lots of therapy because of the crap she's put me through over the last couple of years and they twisted it to say that I was having the therapy to improve my abusive behavior. It didn't matter that she had the locks changed, they were more interested in the fact that I had called her a B and C. Nothing was mentioned about the fact that she lied about the dates that I allegedly raped her. When the judge was giving his summary at the end of the hearing he stated that he hadn't read all of my statement. As far as I was concerned I didn't get a fair hearing. All we ever did was have petty arguments. I've never threated her, hit her or anything like that.
At one point before the courts orders she asked me how much it would take to buy me out of the mortgage, I replied with whatever my share is. her reply was "we will let the courts decide"
She has filed for a divorce and its going through the first stage. She has also requested for a financial order because of the alleged DV.
I'm worried that I will loose everything (In a way I already have). When I left the house I only took my clothes and a few other bits, I would say that around 80-90% of my stuff is still there and she won't let me collect it. When I asked about emptying a 8x6ft shed, dismantling it and removing it from the garden (will need electrics disconnecting) and collecting the rest of my stuff her solicitor said that I could do it providing that it was all done in one trip and by a third party. The shed on its own has 5 cabinets in it full with stuff, a tool chest, two sets of drawers full of stuff. I have a 6ft display cabinet full of pewter metal dragons that I collected and lots of other stuff.
When I said that she was being very unreasonable and unrealistic for me to collect all this in one trip I was ignored. Again I can't fight this with a solicitor as I can't afford one.
I am worried that when the financial order comes through that she will ask for a Mesher order, she will use the kids as an excuse and say that she can't afford anywhere else to live. She is working around 30hrs a week.
I'm still stuck in the studio flat and can't afford to rent anywhere else. I have my kids come and stay with me as and when she dictates they can and they have to sleep on airbeds. This isn't fair on them but there isn't anything else I can do.
What is the likely hood of her getting the Mesher order, I want the house sold so I can use the money to get a better place but I'm worried that if I don't agree to the Mesher order that she will threaten to move to Luton with my kids (just over a hours drive away) but at the same time I don't see why I should be stuck in a studio flat. The house is worth around £300k with about £190k left on the mortgage. I stopped paying the mortgage when I left and she had it put onto interest only payments for 6 months, she started to pay it again at the end of November last year and I've found out that she has paid an extra £3k in over payments on the mortgage.
She is able to get legal aid as where I can't afford a solicitor, I'm just about keeping my head above water.
I know I did a stupid thing but I don't believe I should be treated in this way, we all make mistakes and my wife has made plenty over the course of our relationship/marriage.
I would be very grateful for any help or advice that anyone can give me. Again sorry for the long post.
This will be long so I apologize in advance. I'm at the start of a divorce and I don't know what to do.
In September 2023 my wife found out that I had slept with someone at the start of 2022, we were separated at the time. Its not an excuse and I shouldn't have done what I did and it is the biggest regret of my life.
When she found out I left the house and stayed on family members sofas for a week and a half. I went back to the house and poured my heart out to my wife. For the next 7 months I stayed at the house but my wife wouldn't give me a answer in regards to saving our marriage. One minute she would ask me if I was looking for somewhere else to live, the next we were sleeping together but it was only ever on her terms. This screwed with my head because I didn't know where I stood with her. Most days we would carry on like a normal family.
In April of 2024 she went to visit her family during a half term break, she left on a Tuesday and later that evening she sent me a text asking me to be gone by the Saturday when she would be coming back. I had one day off (Weds) before going back to work for 4 days of 12hr shifts, 7am to 7pm. I told her that I had no where to go and I would leave when I found somewhere I could afford.
On the Saturday I did half a day at work because there wasn't much to do. When I got back to the house my wife and kids weren't there. About 30 mins later they came back home (they had pooped into town). Everything seemed ok, made her a cup of tea, was chatting as normal etc. etc. My wife then said that she was going down to the park to meet a friend so my son could play with her friends son at the park.
Around two hours later I had the police at the door. I thought they were there to check the CCTV footage as we have a camera on the front of the house and they've been round before to ask to check it. When I asked them if that's what they were here for they said no and asked where my wife was. I told them she out and I then got arrested for rape and coercive control. I couldn't believe it. Was taken to the police station and locked up till 2:30 the next day.
When I saw the duty solicitor I was told the rape allegation was for 2009 and the coercive control was for the 18 years we had been together. Even the the duty solicitor said that what my wife had written in her statement was the biggest load of BS they had ever seen. One of the things in the coercive control allegation was that I criticized her washing up.
When I was interviewed the rape allegation wasn't even mentioned, only the coercive control. I was put on 3 months bail and told not to contact my wife or go near the house. I was made homeless overnight. The only reason they put the bail in place was because my wife had refused to sign the statement she gave them. Even the duty solicitor pleaded with them not to put the bail in place.
I managed to find a studio flat about a week after I got kicked out of the house, its not great but its all I can afford. After the bail ended I went back to the house so I could start collecting my stuff. I didn't have a go at my wife or anything like that.
Over the next few months I would go to the house to either collect my stuff or see my kids (one is 7 and the other is 13). A few times my wife invited me to go round for dinner and to see the kids. She asked me on a couple of occasions to go round and check on the cat when she would go to Luton to see her family. I also got asked to sit in the house and wait for the plumber to turn up, which I did.
Because of the extra bills and paying my wife money for the kids I couldn't afford the studio flat I was in, the wife had gone to the CMS to get money for the kids, I don't have a problem with paying towards my kids and had told her that we need to sit down and discuses it but she decided to go straight to them. They wanted me to pay £550 a month. When I was art the house we would both put x amount into a joint account which would take care of all the bills.
I told my wife that I was moving back to the house as I had every legal right to do so. The house is on a joint mortgage. She said that I was forcing her to live with me, didn't matter that she had me forced out of the house with the aid of the police. She told me that if I moved back in she would phone the police again. I phoned the police to tell them this and I was told that this amounts to coercive control and she may be arrested for it (she never was).
About a week later I went to pick my son up from school and went to the house to collect his iPad to keep him entertained while at my studio flat only to find out that she had the locks changed. I was angry that she had done this (I think anyone would have been) and I called her a B**** and a c*** in front of my son which I know was a stupid thing to do. She had recorded this on a video doorbell.
I sent her a message to sat I wanted a key as it was classed as illegal eviction. She gave me a key a few days later.
About a week later I get a knock at my door and a women handed me an envelope and walked off. When I opened it, it was a court summons for a Non-molestation order and a occupational order. I couldn't believe the things my wife had written in her statement.
She told the courts that I raped her in 2022 (not 2009) and it was twice in one week, I kicked my sone half way across the room with steel toe capped boots on and stuff like that.
The court date was a week later and there was no way I could afford a solicitor. I wrote a 56 page statement to the courts of my version of events with screen shots of text messages. She hadn't provided any evidence, just her word on what she says happened.
I was handed the two courts orders put in place for a year, I still believe that because I didn't have a solicitor they walked all over me. Everything I put in my statement was used against me. I told them that I have been through 3 lots of therapy because of the crap she's put me through over the last couple of years and they twisted it to say that I was having the therapy to improve my abusive behavior. It didn't matter that she had the locks changed, they were more interested in the fact that I had called her a B and C. Nothing was mentioned about the fact that she lied about the dates that I allegedly raped her. When the judge was giving his summary at the end of the hearing he stated that he hadn't read all of my statement. As far as I was concerned I didn't get a fair hearing. All we ever did was have petty arguments. I've never threated her, hit her or anything like that.
At one point before the courts orders she asked me how much it would take to buy me out of the mortgage, I replied with whatever my share is. her reply was "we will let the courts decide"
She has filed for a divorce and its going through the first stage. She has also requested for a financial order because of the alleged DV.
I'm worried that I will loose everything (In a way I already have). When I left the house I only took my clothes and a few other bits, I would say that around 80-90% of my stuff is still there and she won't let me collect it. When I asked about emptying a 8x6ft shed, dismantling it and removing it from the garden (will need electrics disconnecting) and collecting the rest of my stuff her solicitor said that I could do it providing that it was all done in one trip and by a third party. The shed on its own has 5 cabinets in it full with stuff, a tool chest, two sets of drawers full of stuff. I have a 6ft display cabinet full of pewter metal dragons that I collected and lots of other stuff.
When I said that she was being very unreasonable and unrealistic for me to collect all this in one trip I was ignored. Again I can't fight this with a solicitor as I can't afford one.
I am worried that when the financial order comes through that she will ask for a Mesher order, she will use the kids as an excuse and say that she can't afford anywhere else to live. She is working around 30hrs a week.
I'm still stuck in the studio flat and can't afford to rent anywhere else. I have my kids come and stay with me as and when she dictates they can and they have to sleep on airbeds. This isn't fair on them but there isn't anything else I can do.
What is the likely hood of her getting the Mesher order, I want the house sold so I can use the money to get a better place but I'm worried that if I don't agree to the Mesher order that she will threaten to move to Luton with my kids (just over a hours drive away) but at the same time I don't see why I should be stuck in a studio flat. The house is worth around £300k with about £190k left on the mortgage. I stopped paying the mortgage when I left and she had it put onto interest only payments for 6 months, she started to pay it again at the end of November last year and I've found out that she has paid an extra £3k in over payments on the mortgage.
She is able to get legal aid as where I can't afford a solicitor, I'm just about keeping my head above water.
I know I did a stupid thing but I don't believe I should be treated in this way, we all make mistakes and my wife has made plenty over the course of our relationship/marriage.
I would be very grateful for any help or advice that anyone can give me. Again sorry for the long post.
