New Here. Need Some Advice.

[cpm9294]

Hello. I am divorced after being married for 24 years. I have two kids, son 22 and daughter 20. My wife moved out in June 2023. Our divorce was finalized in September 2024.

I tried everything to save our marriage. I offered to do anything - counseling, moving, second honeymoon, etc. We were separated but lived in the same house for six months before she moved out.

She had what I call the female midlife crisis. She turned 50. The kids were away at college (empty nest). Then she got a bigtime job. Started working with a bunch of 20 and 30 somethings who "made her feel young." She started going out with coworkers. I didn't care. She never gave me a reason to not trust her.

You know what happened. She stated messing around behind my back. But it wasn't with one of her younger friends. Instead, it was with a 60 something married guy. I only found out because I found her journal, and it was full of stuff about them. Surprisingly, I did not lose it on her. And I still hoped to reconcile. To this day she doesn't know that I know.

She left in June 2023. And then she got a terrific new place, all new stuff, a new car, etc. Textbook midlife crisis actions.

I was / am devastated. I've done counseling and joined a support group that helped a lot. But each day is a challenge. I still love her. I miss her deeply.

Fast forward to today. I'm coming off a Thanksgiving where my kids did not come see me and my parents. They planned to, but it fell through. They spent two and a half days with her and her parents. They were only an hour away from me and my parents.

My in-laws are a very tight family. They do stuff all the time. And my wife and mother in law both know what to say to my kids. Been doing it for years.

When my wife first left, I told my kids that the divorce was not my idea. I also told then my biggest concern was them drifting away from me. And now a year later that's exactly what is happening.

Any advice on how to keep my kids connected to me and my parents? My wife walks on water in their world, especially with my daughter. I get along with my kids great, but I'm just dad. Their mother is the center of their world. I feel like my biggest fear (them drifting away from me) is coming true.

Thanks for reading my rambling first post.

 

[Peanut 21]

Welcome Cpm,
It does sound like maybe your ex was going through a midlife thing. I guess after years of being a wife and mother she may have just felt she needed some freedom.
I'm not sticking up for her in anyway, just seeing it for what it is.

Your kids are at an age where they're off at college so their future careers and friends are more important.
I remember when I was around their age I was just desperate to be independent and go traveling and be around friends.

They probably need a bit more time to get life experience so they can understand why their mum and dad separated. They're not going to be interested in which one of you is to blame for the divorce. They're just going to be sad, angry (insert negative emotion) at the situation.

I think the best you can do is give them a bit of space. Message them once a week maybe. Let them know you're always there for them and let them come to you as and when they've processed what has happened.

I've been reading a lot about how ours brains develop and apparently kids need to get to mid-late 20s before they start assessing things more. They might start getting fed up with their mother smothering them and seeing you as the easier going option.