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latecheckout

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Hello.
I'm new here.

I try to describe my situation as simple as possible.

I'm a father of 13 years old daughter.
In the past I've been accused by my x for dv which after tough and long battle 99% of allegations was dismissed and my contact been immediately restored.
I'm having two days a week unsupervised contact for the past 2 years.
Some time ago I have spotted my daughter's mom trying to interfere in our relationship.
Making my daughter act out of the blue or refuse contact with me.
It comes to my attention this is starting to be very odd as previously she barely showed any negative attitude toward me.
Most of our times are positive, on my days picking her up from school we hold hands till we reach home every single time. I'm fully involve in all school activities. On few occasions she even used to come for a lunch on days that's not my turn.

Around two months ago I found she carried second phone as I put restrictions regarding use of mobile devices during our time as this only distracting her.

I found the mobile has the installed app constantly updating my daughter's whereabouts. I have called her mom on that.Which she didn't like it.

That's where all started.

My daughter's mom regularly refused to send my daughter over, telling me she's no longer want to see me. She telling me, my daughter feels anxious and uncomfortable to be around me.While I have evidence it's the opposite.

I send her couple of warnings informing her she's interfering in my parenting plan and time, she breaching court order for not complying.
I informed her too , if this will continue I'll take actions and all will end in courtroom.
This been happening during entire July.
Finally at the begging of August I applied to court as her approach haven't changed.

Week ago we both received welcome email from caffcass and c100 with c1a forms.
On the same day I received an email from my x
stating my daughter has spoken to school at the end of last term(July) about not wanting to see me which school haven't informed me about.
I tried to contract them to talk through about it but not heard from them for a week.
At the end of the last week school been holding prize giving event for students and all parent been invited which I attended.
Unfortunately when I tried to approach my daughter she made a hysterical scene,
crying and screaming "keep him away" and "don't let him come to me".
Which shocked me as my last day with her we been laughing.

I don't know where to seek help.
I tried to speak to court but note they advised me to fill the application which I already did. I also been advice to seek help with solicitor but it's out of question as my finances are limited and cannot afford it.


I don't know what to do as clearly her mom influence her to act this way. Knowing previously been allegations of dv , I believe my x will excuse it to keep the process delayed.

What can I do to get the order enforced and keep contact restored ASAP.
I been thinking about filing urgent c2 but my court does not accept paper form any longer and asking to apply online.
I'm not too familiar how to do it , on court website there's only standard c100 to fill which cost £255.

Will be greatful for any help.
Desperate Dad.
 
Hi. I'm really sorry to hear this. If you had found us earlier, I would have advised trying not to get annoyed with your ex and just go along with the things like the spare phone, and not apply to court. Your daughter is 13 and unfortunately the court are very likely to just go with her "wishes". Your ex will know this and the court application may well have made your ex put more pressure on your daughter to say what she wants - or even started alienating your daughter.

Parental alientation is incredibly hard to prove and can take a long time - by which time your daughter could be 14 or even nearly 15 and may resent having been in the middle of a court process for so long.

When a Dad is in this position with a teenager, rather than saying the ex is in breach or threatening court, it can be better to grit your teeth and just try and keep things low key and accept your ex may mess about, but as long as your daughter comes sometimes, you can keep up that relationship.

I'd suggest now, that you propose trying to resolve things with your ex and see if you can get things sorted on a less conflict-laden basis. It might not be possible now. There will be an opportunity at a first hearing to try and reach agreements, but unfortunately your ex will know that the court will say a 13 year old can decide for herself.

So unless you can get on better terms with your ex, it's highly likely that you won't get to see your daughter. You can hope, but Cafcass do tend to say - she's 13 she can decide for herself. And ignore it when you say she's being influenced etc.

Really sorry to hear you're having this. There is a chance, if you've had an order for a long time, but it's a slim chance.
 
It could be worth trying to write to your ex and apologise for getting annoyed about the phone, and say you don't really want to put her and daughter through a court application and you hope you can just sort something out and you're prepared to be flexible.

You won't believe what problems phones for kids can cause. But at 13, she is allowed to have her own phone and you can't really take it off her. In fact a teenager could well reject you if you try and take a phone from them. My ex had a tracking thing on my son's phone as well - we all knew and just ignored it because it was better than getting into a big fight over it. In the end we laughed about it.
 
Thanks for fast reply.

I do think this out of option as we are in high conflict case. Her mom
clearly don't want me in my daughter's life, constantly trying to reduce time with her ever since.
She make a lot of difficulties and make me jump through hoops.
Always resulting in not speaking or seeing my daughter or using her to upset me.
This only impact my and daughter's mental health.
She also stopped communication since she received the court papers.

I'm sorry if that sounds like root of the problem but problem is not the phone itself but her controlling behaviour. She also talk in my daughter's ear.
I left a lot of small details to don't go over and just described latest situation.

I talked to her, unfortunately no progress since April this year.
I tried to ignore it and focus on spending good time wherever I can.
Previously, court advised us to communicate and agree between each other to how much time daughter spends with me.
Guess how that's going. 🙂
 
Ash said:
Hi. I'm really sorry to hear this. If you had found us earlier, I would have advised trying not to get annoyed with your ex and just go along with the things like the spare phone, and not apply to court. Your daughter is 13 and unfortunately the court are very likely to just go with her "wishes". Your ex will know this and the court application may well have made your ex put more pressure on your daughter to say what she wants - or even started alienating your daughter.

Parental alientation is incredibly hard to prove and can take a long time - by which time your daughter could be 14 or even nearly 15 and may resent having been in the middle of a court process for so long.

When a Dad is in this position with a teenager, rather than saying the ex is in breach or threatening court, it can be better to grit your teeth and just try and keep things low key and accept your ex may mess about, but as long as your daughter comes sometimes, you can keep up that relationship.

I'd suggest now, that you propose trying to resolve things with your ex and see if you can get things sorted on a less conflict-laden basis. It might not be possible now. There will be an opportunity at a first hearing to try and reach agreements, but unfortunately your ex will know that the court will say a 13 year old can decide for herself.

So unless you can get on better terms with your ex, it's highly likely that you won't get to see your daughter. You can hope, but Cafcass do tend to say - she's 13 she can decide for herself. And ignore it when you say she's being influenced etc.

Really sorry to hear you're having this. There is a chance, if you've had an order for a long time, but it's a slim chance.
Click to expand...
 
Have you had the Cafcass safeguarding calls or letter yet?
 
Are you able to contact your daughter still?
Sometimes if the ex won't budge on their alienating ways you have to try building a case for yourself so in the future your daughter can see you tried everything to try and see her.
When I say building a case, I don't mean for court. I mean for yourself and your child.
Document every time you call or text your daughter, even if she ignores you.
Write her letters or cards every few weeks just letting her know you are there for her and always will be.
Her mother will be putting her under so much pressure that if/when she understands what is happening and can escape her clutches, she will know you are there ready and waiting. The secure and stable parent.
 
again.
Thanks for reaching to me.
I'm completely aware to what's happening.
What you just said it's been my concern all along, that's why I been trying to keep contact wherever I could and let her get away with a lot of things in the past.
Before filing my application, my worries been as she gets legal aid and not afraid to put me through the ringer again as she already started to do things behind my back.
Trust me this is the last resort for me.
It's on file first, serve first basis and this has happened in the past.
Where I not reacted and let her take me to court first.
When it comes to the hearing, I think I can be fairly child focus and presents best evidence me and daughter never had issues with each other.
I think I can provide some evidence her mom is not supportive enough and she has some influence on her decisions. I can show to court I hold no authority in my daughter's eyes as a parent and my daughter see me as a stranger.

I found the case to be straight forward , the only issue is , she'll use my daughter as you said court will only listen to child's wishes.
In my 5 year battle in court to be in my daughter's life, I've been able to see what she's capable of.
The only matter for me now , what can I do to prevent from losing the time wirh her and bond we been building over these 2 years.

Any advice would be appreciated.
 
Ok I'd suggest, when talking to Cafcass

1) Don't mention the term "parental alienation" - or it will be treated as an allegation
2) Don't criticise the Mother
3) Try to keep everything about the child and your relationship with her and how good things were.
4) Say you want to be able to resolve this with ex but she's not communicating.
 
Peanut 21 said:
Are you able to contact your daughter still?
Sometimes if the ex won't budge on their alienating ways you have to try building a case for yourself so in the future your daughter can see you tried everything to try and see her.
When I say building a case, I don't mean for court. I mean for yourself and your child.
Document every time you call or text your daughter, even if she ignores you.
Write her letters or cards every few weeks just letting her know you are there for her and always will be.
Her mother will be putting her under so much pressure that if/when she understands what is happening and can escape her clutches, she will know you are there ready and waiting. The secure and stable parent.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately , I write her daily to let her know that I love her but for time beign she's not looking at my texts.
My daughter believes she's rejecting me out of her choice.
I do keep a video diary around seven years now and keep updating from time to time.
I also keep an email address dedicated to courts and all communications with her and the mom.
 
Ash said:
Ok I'd suggest, when talking to Cafcass

1) Don't mention the term "parental alienation" - or it will be treated as an allegation
2) Don't criticise the Mother
3) Try to keep everything about the child and your relationship with her and how good things were.
4) Say you want to be able to resolve this with ex but she's not communicating.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the tips.
I have bad experience with them in the past where they assigned me a very biased officer so I'm aware of dos and don'ts.


I'm know my x will try to accuse me and look for their sympathy.
I had swore at her in a hit of a moment in one of email just after all been signed and sealed.

Thoughtout the whole process of dv and cao I represented myself.
At the time I asked judge to allow me take my daughter abroad to see my part of family.

She and her barrister before decision been made at the final hearing, they tried to do me dirty and ask him to cut the contact completely or reduce contact to one call per fortnight.

The judge only been introduced to the 5 year case in a span of a 45 min which automatically put me in disadvantage.

In their submission they highlighted previous dv and attempt of kidnapping which last judge dismissed allegations as untrue.
As you can see my last case been very messy and I really tried to avoid going back again.
 
latecheckout said:
Hello.
I'm new here.

I try to describe my situation as simple as possible.

I'm a father of 13 years old daughter.
In the past I've been accused by my x for dv which after tough and long battle 99% of allegations was dismissed and my contact been immediately restored.
I'm having two days a week unsupervised contact for the past 2 years.
Some time ago I have spotted my daughter's mom trying to interfere in our relationship.
Making my daughter act out of the blue or refuse contact with me.
It comes to my attention this is starting to be very odd as previously she barely showed any negative attitude toward me.
Most of our times are positive, on my days picking her up from school we hold hands till we reach home every single time. I'm fully involve in all school activities. On few occasions she even used to come for a lunch on days that's not my turn.

Around two months ago I found she carried second phone as I put restrictions regarding use of mobile devices during our time as this only distracting her.

I found the mobile has the installed app constantly updating my daughter's whereabouts. I have called her mom on that.Which she didn't like it.

That's where all started.

My daughter's mom regularly refused to send my daughter over, telling me she's no longer want to see me. She telling me, my daughter feels anxious and uncomfortable to be around me.While I have evidence it's the opposite.

I send her couple of warnings informing her she's interfering in my parenting plan and time, she breaching court order for not complying.
I informed her too , if this will continue I'll take actions and all will end in courtroom.
This been happening during entire July.
Finally at the begging of August I applied to court as her approach haven't changed.

Week ago we both received welcome email from caffcass and c100 with c1a forms.
On the same day I received an email from my x
stating my daughter has spoken to school at the end of last term(July) about not wanting to see me which school haven't informed me about.
I tried to contract them to talk through about it but not heard from them for a week.
At the end of the last week school been holding prize giving event for students and all parent been invited which I attended.
Unfortunately when I tried to approach my daughter she made a hysterical scene,
crying and screaming "keep him away" and "don't let him come to me".
Which shocked me as my last day with her we been laughing.

I don't know where to seek help.
I tried to speak to court but note they advised me to fill the application which I already did. I also been advice to seek help with solicitor but it's out of question as my finances are limited and cannot afford it.


I don't know what to do as clearly her mom influence her to act this way. Knowing previously been allegations of dv , I believe my x will excuse it to keep the process delayed.

What can I do to get the order enforced and keep contact restored ASAP.
I been thinking about filing urgent c2 but my court does not accept paper form any longer and asking to apply online.
I'm not too familiar how to do it , on court website there's only standard c100 to fill which cost £255.

Will be greatful for any help.
Desperate Dad.
Click to expand...
I am not in this situation but I am already expecting my ex to do this.

Not a good idea to bring the broken court system back into your life. I would try a different approach and arrange a regular talking therapy session together with daughter. Find some really good psychologists.

This way your daughter will have a better understanding, at the same time you are empowering her with an invisible shield with which she can easily catch what your ex is trying to do to her.

Your ex is targeting your daughter’s mind and negatively influencing her about you - so that's your target. Help your daughter indirectly to understand how much you love her and you are always there for her.

This has become a mind game now.
 
I agree with you @PunchingBag about not going back to court. But in terms of getting a psychologist, the stumbling block is the mother.
She is the cause of the daughters issues so won't want a solution. And the daughter will refuse any form of help because of the mother.
It's a very difficult situation and for PA, especially with older kids, there's very little help.
 
Peanut 21 said:
I agree with you @PunchingBag about not going back to court. But in terms of getting a psychologist, the stumbling block is the mother.
She is the cause of the daughters issues so won't want a solution. And the daughter will refuse any form of help because of the mother.
It's a very difficult situation and for PA, especially with older kids, there's very little help.
Click to expand...
Ok, what solution are you planning on proposing to the court?

If you say the mother is influencing her then the court will say your daughter is old enough to decide.

Have you thought of family arbitration? This could be a friendly approach but a bit expensive.

Maybe a conf call with a barrister before submitting an application could help. Starting from £250…

It seems like if you go to court your ex probably knows what will happen.

@latecheckout
 
PunchingBag said:
I am not in this situation but I am already expecting my ex to do this.

Not a good idea to bring the broken court system back into your life. I would try a different approach and arrange a regular talking therapy session together with daughter. Find some really good psychologists.

This way your daughter will have a better understanding, at the same time you are empowering her with an invisible shield with which she can easily catch what your ex is trying to do to her.

Your ex is targeting your daughter’s mind and negatively influencing her about you - so that's your target. Help your daughter indirectly to understand how much you love her and you are always there for her.

This has become a mind game now.
Click to expand...
sorry for late reply.
I had tough time in past couple of weeks , including some issues with my daughter's school and some private matters.
Unfortunately, I have not seen her nor I can talk to her. She also said some bad things about me to her teachers , I tried to resolve in the past week.
So, therapy is impossible at this time for us.
I think , I have no other option but to wait for the caffcass interview , then possibly try to resolve it via court.
I text my daughter daily reminding her I'm always thinking about her but she already blocked me and don't want to know me.
 
Peanut 21 said:
I agree with you @PunchingBag about not going back to court. But in terms of getting a psychologist, the stumbling block is the mother.
She is the cause of the daughters issues so won't want a solution. And the daughter will refuse any form of help because of the mother.
It's a very difficult situation and for PA, especially with older kids, there's very little help.
Click to expand...
I approached head teacher and explained to them my situation with the mother and ask for school psychologist, at least she may freely talk to someone about her issues. I don't know if that will help her or not.
I can see on students app , her performance dropped slightly each week. The whole situation must be hard for her which worries me even more.

In the past two years we had contact, I thought I could reverse some of the damage that been done to us, she started to really come closer to me and things been really good.


Before all that I've not seen her for almost 7 years , the influence been very strong. My first few months after contact been restored was a nightmare. She tried to call police on me and random people used to approach us thinking I try to hurt her. It was real mess. 😟
She still tells me things that hurt but at least she hugs me and want to hold hands.
That's why I'm desperate to get to my daughter before it's too late.

I think there's no other way but to go through the process of courts.
I think even when my daughter would like to contact me , she simply cannot do that now.
 
PunchingBag said:
Ok, what solution are you planning on proposing to the court?

If you say the mother is influencing her then the court will say your daughter is old enough to decide.

Have you thought of family arbitration? This could be a friendly approach but a bit expensive.

Maybe a conf call with a barrister before submitting an application could help. Starting from £250…

It seems like if you go to court your ex probably knows what will happen.

@latecheckout
Click to expand...
I only ask court to enforce existing order.
That been my main focus from the beggining as the mother will play the game to delay things.

mom been reprimanded twice in the past , so I may bring that.
There's not much I can do,
I do have some evidence to my relationship with daughter been very good and been improving.
I'll try to see what the mom have to say and respond accordingly to her allegations.
I'm fully aware and taking as a stand point my daughter wish and opinions matters the most.
Eventually, I can ask court for independent evaluation of my daughter's mental health if that is possible but all depends of the safeguarding later and further examinations.
 
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