Hi everyone,
I wanted to share a quick summary of my story to hopefully give other dads some confidence that there is hope for us!
My journey began in April last year. I came home from work to what seemed like a normal evening, but my wife told me she had checked out of our marriage. Looking back, I can now see the warning signs and understand what was happening, but at the time, I was devastated. I felt a deep sense of loss and confusion, as if my world had been turned upside down. I tried to fight for our marriage, but a few weeks later, she asked me to leave the family home. I left, thinking it would be temporary, but it wasn’t. The uncertainty and loneliness were overwhelming.
From day one, I was clear that I wanted to share the care of our children 50:50, but she told me, “There is no way you will do that.” We started discussing how to separate and quickly agreed that I could see the children three times a week after school for a few hours and every other weekend. I wanted more time with them, but part of me hoped we could reconcile. The thought of not being with my children every day was heartbreaking.
Less than a month after we split, my ex informed me that due to the CMS calculation, I had to give her £xxx a month. I responded by saying I wanted more time with the children, and that’s when our communication soured. I was arrested following a report of “controlling and coercive behaviour.” I was questioned, and my phone was examined, but I was released without charge the same day. The experience was terrifying and humiliating, and it made me realize how vulnerable I was.
From that point on, I realized I needed to protect myself and fight fairly to see my children. We began negotiating through solicitors, but my proposals fell on deaf ears, and her proposals became less and less favorable. I was accused of everything—mental health issues, being unable to cope, parenting ‘not proven’—you name it. Each accusation stung deeply, but with the support of my solicitors, I decided to pursue a Child Arrangements Order (CAO). I invited my ex to mediation, which she declined, giving me the green light to begin the process. The constant battle was exhausting, but I knew I had to keep going for my children’s sake.
In my part of the country, they are streamlining the process, aiming to complete it in 25 weeks, which was a relief. Throughout this time, I continued to have regular contact with my children, including overnights, although my parents had to be present due to my ex’s insistence. The first hearing came before a legal advisor, and I knew we would have to try and agree on everything to make progress. Fortunately, I had an amazing barrister. Following a CAFCASS report that came back with no concerns and closed my case, my barrister was able to get the restrictions on supervised contact removed. We also made agreements for the upcoming holidays, splitting October half-term and Christmas 50:50. We agreed on no Section 7 report, no Fact-Finding hearing, and to proceed straight to the final hearing, which was in 100 days. I couldn’t believe it! The sense of progress was a huge relief.
As the final hearing approached, I felt a mix of nerves and confidence. I knew I wasn’t the person my ex was portraying me as, but I was also worried because it was in front of magistrates. It was only a half-day hearing, and by submissions only, which was daunting as there isn’t much information available about this type of hearing. The day came to give our submissions, either in a position statement or opening statement. Her position statement landed with the same accusations, attacking my character. It stung, but I realized it was just words. My barrister wasn’t concerned at all. She put together a combined opening statement and position statement. It was 16 pages long, providing a great summary of the case, clearly breaking down my proposal, and including six pages of relevant case law to guide the bench. For clarity, I was seeking a shared care “lives with both” order, while my ex was seeking a “lives with her, spends time with me” order. I was looking for a 2255 schedule, whereas she wanted me to have them during the week after school for a few hours and then every other weekend. We had kind of agreed to split holidays 50/50, but we hadn’t figured out how that would look for the summer holidays. We also couldn’t agree on Mother’s or Father’s Day (I proposed they spend time with the relevant parent and stay overnight, but she only wanted them to stay overnight), birthdays, and passport holding. These disagreements added to the stress and uncertainty, making an already difficult situation even harder to navigate.
I could go into more detail about the final hearing, but honestly, it’s just a blur. It was an hour of my barrister presenting my proposal, followed by my ex and her barrister just attacking me, a few questions from the bench, and that was it. Done. I couldn’t help but think it was such a short time to decide something so important. It was all just a blur. The weight of the moment, knowing that the outcome would shape my children’s future, was almost overwhelming.
However, after a few hours, we were called back in, and I was given exactly what I was looking for—a shared care order and “lives with both” arrangement. Everything is split 50/50, holidays, birthdays everything. It couldn’t have gone any better for me or my children. The relief and joy I felt were indescribable. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I could finally see a positive path forward for my family. I'm not afraid to admit I started to cry when the judgement and reasoning was made, however I also new I had to compose myself to take it in.
For all the dads going through this, my advice is to stay calm, don’t bite, and try to trust the process. I know for every good story, there are probably two bad ones, but the system does work—you just need to work with it. Keep your focus on what’s best for your children, and remember that there is hope, even in the darkest times.
I wanted to share a quick summary of my story to hopefully give other dads some confidence that there is hope for us!
My journey began in April last year. I came home from work to what seemed like a normal evening, but my wife told me she had checked out of our marriage. Looking back, I can now see the warning signs and understand what was happening, but at the time, I was devastated. I felt a deep sense of loss and confusion, as if my world had been turned upside down. I tried to fight for our marriage, but a few weeks later, she asked me to leave the family home. I left, thinking it would be temporary, but it wasn’t. The uncertainty and loneliness were overwhelming.
From day one, I was clear that I wanted to share the care of our children 50:50, but she told me, “There is no way you will do that.” We started discussing how to separate and quickly agreed that I could see the children three times a week after school for a few hours and every other weekend. I wanted more time with them, but part of me hoped we could reconcile. The thought of not being with my children every day was heartbreaking.
Less than a month after we split, my ex informed me that due to the CMS calculation, I had to give her £xxx a month. I responded by saying I wanted more time with the children, and that’s when our communication soured. I was arrested following a report of “controlling and coercive behaviour.” I was questioned, and my phone was examined, but I was released without charge the same day. The experience was terrifying and humiliating, and it made me realize how vulnerable I was.
From that point on, I realized I needed to protect myself and fight fairly to see my children. We began negotiating through solicitors, but my proposals fell on deaf ears, and her proposals became less and less favorable. I was accused of everything—mental health issues, being unable to cope, parenting ‘not proven’—you name it. Each accusation stung deeply, but with the support of my solicitors, I decided to pursue a Child Arrangements Order (CAO). I invited my ex to mediation, which she declined, giving me the green light to begin the process. The constant battle was exhausting, but I knew I had to keep going for my children’s sake.
In my part of the country, they are streamlining the process, aiming to complete it in 25 weeks, which was a relief. Throughout this time, I continued to have regular contact with my children, including overnights, although my parents had to be present due to my ex’s insistence. The first hearing came before a legal advisor, and I knew we would have to try and agree on everything to make progress. Fortunately, I had an amazing barrister. Following a CAFCASS report that came back with no concerns and closed my case, my barrister was able to get the restrictions on supervised contact removed. We also made agreements for the upcoming holidays, splitting October half-term and Christmas 50:50. We agreed on no Section 7 report, no Fact-Finding hearing, and to proceed straight to the final hearing, which was in 100 days. I couldn’t believe it! The sense of progress was a huge relief.
As the final hearing approached, I felt a mix of nerves and confidence. I knew I wasn’t the person my ex was portraying me as, but I was also worried because it was in front of magistrates. It was only a half-day hearing, and by submissions only, which was daunting as there isn’t much information available about this type of hearing. The day came to give our submissions, either in a position statement or opening statement. Her position statement landed with the same accusations, attacking my character. It stung, but I realized it was just words. My barrister wasn’t concerned at all. She put together a combined opening statement and position statement. It was 16 pages long, providing a great summary of the case, clearly breaking down my proposal, and including six pages of relevant case law to guide the bench. For clarity, I was seeking a shared care “lives with both” order, while my ex was seeking a “lives with her, spends time with me” order. I was looking for a 2255 schedule, whereas she wanted me to have them during the week after school for a few hours and then every other weekend. We had kind of agreed to split holidays 50/50, but we hadn’t figured out how that would look for the summer holidays. We also couldn’t agree on Mother’s or Father’s Day (I proposed they spend time with the relevant parent and stay overnight, but she only wanted them to stay overnight), birthdays, and passport holding. These disagreements added to the stress and uncertainty, making an already difficult situation even harder to navigate.
I could go into more detail about the final hearing, but honestly, it’s just a blur. It was an hour of my barrister presenting my proposal, followed by my ex and her barrister just attacking me, a few questions from the bench, and that was it. Done. I couldn’t help but think it was such a short time to decide something so important. It was all just a blur. The weight of the moment, knowing that the outcome would shape my children’s future, was almost overwhelming.
However, after a few hours, we were called back in, and I was given exactly what I was looking for—a shared care order and “lives with both” arrangement. Everything is split 50/50, holidays, birthdays everything. It couldn’t have gone any better for me or my children. The relief and joy I felt were indescribable. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I could finally see a positive path forward for my family. I'm not afraid to admit I started to cry when the judgement and reasoning was made, however I also new I had to compose myself to take it in.
For all the dads going through this, my advice is to stay calm, don’t bite, and try to trust the process. I know for every good story, there are probably two bad ones, but the system does work—you just need to work with it. Keep your focus on what’s best for your children, and remember that there is hope, even in the darkest times.
