My story so far

[C&ADad]

First post here, finally plucked up courage to tell my (abbreviated) story.

My marriage wasn't massively unhappy, but the connection was gone for a long time. I know Mum had her own issues coming from childhood which she talked about a lot, and that made things worse, there was no real affection. And I met someone else. There are many reasons but no excuses, but I did. It lasted about 4 months and I decided that I couldn't leave, we have two beautiful early teenage daughters and I couldn't leave them. So it ended, and for 3 years I threw myself into the marriage & carried on being the dad I always was. I had a brilliant relationship with both kids. The marriage wasn't right and I think the kids could sense that, but we carried on as I'd made my choice. And for 3 years all was ok.

October 2020 and Mum found messages proving the relationship I had had. I was kicked out onto the street (and I'm ok with that, its her right to react to what she discovered), and all hell broke loose. I continued to see the kids most days, but I could sense something was going on, every visit would start with "Mum says you did this" etc, but I thought that the relationship was strong enough to withstand whatever Mum said.

My critical mistake was not starting any kind of proceedings, and thinking that talking/ common sense would prevail. Turns out that Mum was telling my daughters that I never loved them, that I gave her a life threatening illness, that I was dangerous, that I was trying to have them put into care, that I never loved them and a whole list of horrible lies.

Then I was informed that I was accused of abuse against both daughters and my world came crashing in. Police were involved, Social Services involved- everything. All contact stopped. That was December 2020, and I spent 5 horrendous months not knowing what to do, not really having anything to live for- 'bleak' doesn't put it into words. Mum took the children and moved away 40 miles and I had no idea. Then in one hearing the judge said "this sounds like potential alienation", and asked for an independent report to be prepared. I had never heard of alienation but I knew 'something' unnatural had happened.

That report has taken 9 months to complete because of Mum trying to derail everything, and every day is a living hell. But when it was released it said that there is no reason at all why I shouldn't have contact, that Mum does not come across as credible, and Alienation was indeed mentioned. The judge told Mum that if there were no ongoing investigations or allegations then she very well might be looking at a Transfer Of Residence. It was emotional and contact was ordered... only to be breached within a few hours. So I now wait for an enforcement order to be applied for.

So there we are. 13 hearings, ongoing investigations, alienation reports completed, breaches all over, never any orders against me, nobody from police or Social Services has even come near me, and every day is a bit of a nightmare.

So thats me- thats my story in brief- just want to say thank you for this forum, it offers genuine hope where sometimes it feels like there is none.

 

[Ash]

Wow - thank you so much for that - it is heartening to hear that a Judge spotted that without you even claiming it and it most definitely does sound like parental alienation. Which is effectively brainwashing a child. Either because the Mother has some kind of personality disorder or out of vindictiveness, but my view is it takes someone with a screw loose to emotionally harm their own kids. But some I guess could be so full of hatred they just put their own desires before the kids wellbeing.

Have you already submitted your enforcement application? If not I think this is the time to ask for a transfer of residency. What was the outcome of the reports ordered looking into alienation? Were they psychologists reports?

 

[C&ADad]

Hi- thanks for the reply. Lots of people say that this is good progress, it doesn't feel like it though! I guess the utter despair of not seeing them & knowing that they're severely alienated takes the edge off everything.

Its weird, but I was also let down by my first solicitor. I was sitting in my little bedsit in a terrible state on xmas day 2020 and I came across "parental alienation" and thought "that sounds familiar to me", so raised it with the solicitor but was told- "its illegal, you can't do it"- he thought I meant parental emancipation. So I did nothing and waited 3 months- no contact, waiting for the police to smash the door in, Social Services refusing to talk to me. In the meantime I was paying all the house expenses as well as my rent, but Mum had taken the kids to live 50 miles away. Cannot put it into words how low that period was, I guess we've all experienced those lows.

Then I had a hearing on March 24th 2021, which was just to review the status of things- I expected the worst due to these allegations hanging over me, but to my shock the judge went mad at Mum saying it was 'potential alienation' and 'the damage you are causing to these children is a disgrace', ordering supervised access starting 48 hours later. I cried my eyes out- the last thing one of my daughters had said was "Please don't stop fighting, you're my dad and my best friend", so I thought we'd pick up where we left off.

Wrong. I was then introduced to the horrific reality of an alienated child.

She was cold, angry, distant and immediately started hurling accusations at me- all totally unfounded. And Mum refused to leave the house- she was 6 feet away the whole time and totally derailed the sessions saying things like 'you don't need to speak to him'. We had 5 weeks like that and it was soul destroying, so I took it back to court. By that time I'd researched Alienation and put together a 60 page document for the court with screenshots of messages ("Mum shouts at us when we say we want to see you"), and tailored it to a basic framework- ie "here's how it was before v here's how it is now... what has happened?" and the judge varied the order to facetime calls (never once picked up, that NEVER works), but in the meantime ordered that a full psychological report be written on all of us.

The report cost me £7k, it was by a psychotherapist & chartered systemic family therapist- a serious big hitter- this guy gives seminars to social workers, police & solicitors, he's even been on TV talking about alienation. It was utterly draining going through the process, then I had to spend days providing evidence for what I was saying- date stamping texts, photos etc. I still get emotional now thinking about what it says- '** reports that dad did this, upon further conversation ** confirmed that she had no memory of these events but Mum told her they happened'

So the report was ordered in March '21, it took until December '21 to get the interviews sessions completed. Mum refused to attend, then tried to tell the psychologist he wasn't allowed to release the report. I'd had to get her back into court again where the judge told her he'd lock her up unless she attended her sessions. The scope of the report was limited due to the ongoing allegations but its pretty clear what its going to say- even the judge said 'we can all see where this is going, when the final version of the report comes out you risk sitting where he is applying for access to your own children'. The order he granted states that once the allegations are dealt with he wants to see the 'final' report.

At that stage I'll have an independent report probably stating that alienation has happened, supervisor reports saying that Mum did not encourage the children to have a relationship, and a judge thats already made it clear that there could be a Transfer of Residence.

Sounds promising, right? The reality though is that I have two severely alienated children, and a mountain to climb. It'll be the biggest challenge of my life to fix this for them, they are damaged. But its a challenge that I can't wait to start if I'm given the chance. Everything I ever do is geared around making this right for them- everything. Enforcement was applied for, and I should have a day in court next week on that, I will of course update.

 

[Ash]

It's a few years since I experienced it - and I was at least still seeing my son when it happened, but I can totally relate to how it felt to see your child alienated, hostile and rejecting you like that. My ex did it after 8 years of co parenting from birth. Brutal. Long story as to why she suddenly decided to do it but court had given me an order after she had wanted to move on to a new life/family life and cut me out, and so her next move was to alienate child so he'd refuse to see me. It didn't work - but my son changed into what I can only describe as an alien - which is why I think "alienated" is apt. But not completely - he was resisting - but incredibly stressed. Because I was still seeing him (although she would cancel things regularly so he never knew if or when he would see me) it would start to wear off the longer he was here. It took 10 days to fully wear off and him remember who he was. The reason I went back to court was not just to get the regular schedule back but because my son was starting to talk about suicidal type things. Trying to cope with it. At 8 years old.

When you don't see them at all they become fully alienated. But all I can say is - don't despair - I have read a lot by specialists in this area and it can revert in two weeks. Seriously - but they need to be away from the alienator's influence and have some support during that time. Yes damage has been done, but it can be rectified.

I think what you need to be asking for - when the alienation is proven - is for the children to live with you and not see their Mother for a few months while having transitional therapy. Hopefully a psychologist will recommend this. Some changes of residence aren't handled well. Then they may reintroduce time with the Mother, whether supervised or otherwise. I think there should be a guardian involved as well to see how things are for them at the Mother's.

I do know that the more time with you, the more they can keep their normal selves in tact. And it is reversible. So don't give up.

How old are your children?

I will add though, that during that period I couldn't be myself with him either - normal parenting and relationships don't work, because they are pushing you to reject them to take the pressure off themselves (immense pressure to reject you). So even simple disciplining could get a reason for them to reject you and believe everything Mum says about you. I got by with that book listed on here by Amy J Baker - carried it round in my pocket. Both my partner and I learned to do the opposite of what you would normally do. ie not discipline any bad behaviour. But be calm - it helped him a lot. I also had some amazing tips from a step parenting coach (who my partner was seeing as my son was more alienated against her than me). But it worked for both of us. She gave us little "lines" to say - that empathised. So it would be something like "I know you're under a lot of pressure, are you coping ok?". That kind of thing worked. He wouldn't reply - couldn't - not allowed. But he relaxed visibly and nodded - we developed what I can only call an unspoken understanding as we couldn't talk normally in any way at all.

He wasn't as badly alienated as some, because he was resisting - but he was strange and frightening and everything was negative. He also reported back every little thing.

One of the nastiest things about it is the power wielding - the alienating parent is showing you they can do it or not do it. In the run up to my final order (and she knew she was close to losing residency), she stopped alienating him. And just like that he was fine.

She still pressurised him by being unpleasant to him if he enjoyed anything at my home. Which is why it really is emotional abuse.

Age 8 to 14 is the time they are most likely to be alienated I'm told but I'm aware of younger than that as well (and older).

The most important thing is the time. It must be hell right now, but once they live with you they can have normality and be themselves again. But I think it's really important your ex has no contact at all for a few months. Because it's like they can flip a switch. You know how in cults when people are brainwashed - just a word can be trigger to turn them. Like they've been hypnotised.

It's evil stuff.

 

[Ash]

Just to add - however the kids are behaving the "real child" is still in there (I read loads of stuff on Karen Woodall's blog). And that real child doesn't want you to give up. There are times when the alienated child does want you to give up - so they don't keep getting the emotional abuse. Which is why you need the change of residency so they are free from it.

I had never heard of it either, till it happened. Ask for transitional therapy.