Mediation

[OliverR]

I have asked my ex to attend mediation but she is refusing and not giving a reason . Following an initial chat with the mediator I haven't yet instructed them to send her a letter but will do in the next couple of days .

What happens if she refuses mediation? Will it go against her? She said she is going through the solicitors and is not interested in mediating .

Also is it possible for her to send her solicitor to mediation , something she'd mentioned before .

 

[Ash]

You can't force her to go to mediation. If she refuses to go, it would be helpful to have that in writing. If you have it in writing then not much point the mediator inviting her. (Although the mediator might say they want to try inviting her anyway). All it causes is delay while your ex gets legal advice. Normally the next stage would be to ask the mediator to sign you off and apply to court for an order. I need to read back a bit because I think you were trying to avoid court weren't you? But what you don't want is your ex applying to court first!

 

[Ash]

Ok. I've read back. The risk with applying to court now was that you currently have a reasonable amount of time at week-ends but only one overnight a fortnight, is that right? A full day one week-end and a day and a night the following week-end.

The problem is, your ex has no incentive to go to mediation, because a) it costs money and b) she likes things the way they are. Are you getting the £500 government voucher from the government (or has that finished now) - because if you are, that could be a way to persuade her to attend. The MIAM has to be paid for but after that, the voucher covers the sessions.

Tricky situation now as ideally you wouldn't want to apply to court until your child is about 2 - in about 6 months. If you apply now, and she actually reduces the current time, the court may not order more than that until he's two.

She'd probably go if you offered to pay for the mediation! But that gets expensive.

I think I would email your ex politely and say something like:

"Dear Ex Name

I was hoping the mediation might help resolve any issues we may both have and help build trust between us for the future, and also help us draw up an agreed parenting plan that covers all kinds of things, to avoid issues in the future. The mediator says she will write to you".

But before you send that - let me know if you have the voucher or not.

 

[OliverR]

Yes ideally i wanted to avoid court but having sat down with the mediator she says id have a strong case for more time given the time ive had with my son to date and she said that im unlikely to come out with less than ive currently got, but i guess thats not a given. She may well agree to go once a letter goes out, i really don't know.

Why would her applying first be a problem? Sorry may be an obvious reason?

 

[Ash]

But basically if she won't go to mediation, I'd sit tight until your son turns 2. And you want to avoid her getting solicitors involved at this stage, so if she still refuses point blank to go, then try and calm things down and send an email saying, ok, things seem fine right now, so just let me know if you want to discuss anything. That kind of thing.

Your MIAM only lasts 3 months though, so if you want to apply to court later, then you'd need another MIAM.

 

[Ash]

Yes ideally i wanted to avoid court but having sat down with the mediator she says id have a strong case for more time given the time ive had with my son to date and she said that im unlikely to come out with less than ive currently got, but i guess thats not a given. She may well agree to go once a letter goes out, i really don't know.

Why would her applying first be a problem? Sorry may be an obvious reason?

Just my view that "getting in first" means you're not backfooted. If she made an application for child to "live with" her and spend time with you for the current amount (or less) then you're on the defensive because you didn't apply for more. It's all a bit of a game.

On the other hand she doesn't really need to apply to court as things are as she wants them right now. But if she gets legal advice, her solicitor may tell her, that if you've started mediation you could be applying to court after that, if mediation doesn't progress.

She actually can't apply to court anyway unless she has her own MIAM! But she might do that with another mediator without telling you.

If your mediator has said the above, then probably the way to do things right now is let the mediator write to your ex and invite her to attend. And send something like the suggested email I put above to your ex (to keep it low key) - the first one that is! But it would help to know if you've got the free vouchers before sending that as it could be an incentive for her to go - if it's free.

 

[Ash]

So a couple of options then:

Either ask the mediator to sign you off and apply to court. Or ask the mediator to invite her formally and if no response after two weeks then the mediator will sign you off. Or if your ex declines the mediator will sign you off.

All my ex did was delay. She didn't reply for two weeks. Then her solicitor sent a letter to the mediator saying yes she was interested in attending mediation. Then she just didn't get round to making an appointment! In the end the mediator herself said she was signing me off.

All I was saying is - just be aware it may set alarm bells ringing for her if she thinks you might apply to court. So if she's said no, (and you have that in a text or email) then maybe just ask the mediator to sign you off and apply to court. To avoid the risk of your ex applying first.

If you apply first, your application and reasoning is the only thing that is read, initially. Cafcass read it, and if it's well written it can influence them from the outset. Just as a negative application from your ex, full of complaints about you, can influence them from the outset.

So personally, I'd just tell the mediator your ex has said she doesn't want mediation, get signed off, and apply to court. As I mentioned before, by the time an order is made, your child will be 2 anyway and you can ask for an increasing order.

 

[OliverR]

Thanks I think I will hold off getting into mediation that may trigger court a little to early. As you said better to wait until he is 2 or nearly 2 .

I understand what you mean about applying first , I would have to fight her proposal rather than put my own forward. Is there alot of paper work to do before you apply to court ? As you say once unsucessful mediation has finished or just her saying she won't go then the race will be on to apply first .

The mediator told me to go in with more than you want so I may well go for 50/50.