Mediation/Court order difficulty

[Jayy_]

Hi all,

I am new here however I have read several threads to assist with my situation.

My son's mother has withheld him from me since they moved 1hr away 4 months ago.

We had a dispute as I was meant to pick him up on a Friday, however when speaking to her partner (she asked me to arrange with him) he said I would need to get him the next day. This meant my weekend would be cut short with him so I suggested changing the weekends. His mum also messaged me at a similar time, she requested money for his new uniform and I told her I could not at the moment so I would get back to her. I believe this was the main reason she went off as she usually does when she does not get her own way (to note I always have paid child maintenance without fail, the uniform was separate to this which I do not mind but have told her several times to give me notice which she does not) this caused a massive conflict and she said she will withhold my son until I get a child arrangement order.

I must admit my initial reaction has not been perfect and the stress and thought of going to court has been daunting, especially as the issue has never been me not wanting to see my son. Any time I have missed a weekend, it has been due to her last minute changes or she requests for something and withholds him when I am unable to accommodate it straight away.

She says the reason for a court order is to establish a routine. However, we had already agreed that because of the 1 hour away move, I would see my son biweekly for two nights on the weekend and return him on Sunday. This is because distance would mess up his routine as he would be up much earlier if I were to drop him off to school which I was doing previously when he was living closer.

I have amicably tried to settle this and offer an alternative to keep a record of the new schedule and if there are missed weekends, assess why this is the case and address it, I was hoping this would highlight to her the underlying issues of her last minute changes/requests. However, she has been insistent on me getting a court order.

I have looked into this and understand we need to attend mediation first which I informed her of, I have suggested this to her and for us to split cost, she responded saying it's not her concern that I can't afford mediation ( which I never said, I simply said we can split the cost) and said I will not be able to see my son unless I have the court order. I have responded again to explain why we should be splitting as it is fair and shows commitment from both ends but I have yet to hear from her (it's been 2 days)

Is anyone able to let me know what the alternative options are here if she still refuses to pay and the costs for the alternatives? I do work but money is tight at the moment so I am hesitant to get a lawyer as that would land me in a bad place financially.

Thanks in advance

 

[Nanaforsonsjustice]

Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear you are in this situation.

You are correct you will need to attend mediation before you can make an application to court. If your ex refuses mediation you can get signed off and then make the C100 application to court. You can get help here completing your application of mediation is unsuccessful.

The government we’re providing a £500 voucher towards mediation which I believe is still being offered so you can have a look into that below to see if you are eligible.

Family Mediation Voucher Scheme

Find out if you are eligible for the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme and how to apply.

www.gov.uk

 

[Jayy_]

Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear you are in this situation.

You are correct you will need to attend mediation before you can make an application to court. If your ex refuses mediation you can get signed off and then make the C100 application to court. You can get help here completing your application of mediation is unsuccessful.

The government we’re providing a £500 voucher towards mediation which I believe is still being offered so you can have a look into that below to see if you are eligible.

Family Mediation Voucher Scheme

Find out if you are eligible for the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme and how to apply.

www.gov.uk

Thanks for confirming and I will look into the legal aid.

Is there any info on gov that suggests/states that both parents should pay? So far I have backed my points up with official resources so she does not try and accuse me of being difficult. However haven't found any official sites stating this but I guess it is optional as most wordings suggest it is up to the parent to decide how they split it

 

[coggers1980]

Hi, typical situation you find yourself in!

When I did my mediation, ex said she wasn't going to pay and I had to. I went ahead anyway with my MIAM, told the mediator who said if the ex wasn't going to pay then it would be recorded as failed to engage and that's it. She soon paid up and we got as far as one session with the voucher you get.

Tbh it's probably a waste of time, but it's a hoopnto jump through prior to court. I'd advise do everything you can to avoid court as it's expensive and painfully slow if ex is a pain.

 

[Jayy_]

Hi, typical situation you find yourself in!

When I did my mediation, ex said she wasn't going to pay and I had to. I went ahead anyway with my MIAM, told the mediator who said if the ex wasn't going to pay then it would be recorded as failed to engage and that's it. She soon paid up and we got as far as one session with the voucher you get.

Tbh it's probably a waste of time, but it's a hoopnto jump through prior to court. I'd advise do everything you can to avoid court as it's expensive and painfully slow if ex is a pain.

Incredibly frustrating and unfair on how much money it is to fight and see our kid(s)!

After mediation, I believe a parenting schedule can be made, would the mediator encourage us to trial the plan or would it still go ahead with the courts? I'm definitely trying to avoid the courts and hoping mediation will be enough to see my son again

 

[coggers1980]

My understanding is that if you both agree to the plan, then you can just send it to the court and have to formalised that way.

I've been in dispute from day one, so I only know the process when it's gone to sh*t!

Enough decent folk on here to answer you on that one.

 

[Jayy_]

My understanding is that if you both agree to the plan, then you can just send it to the court and have to formalised that way.

I've been in dispute from day one, so I only know the process when it's gone to sh*t!

Enough decent folk on here to answer you on that one.

Got it, thanks! And sorry to hear about your situation, all the best with it

 

[Pj66]

Just go to court. She has moved 1 hour away to play happy families with your child and when she doesn't get an extra few quid
, she suddenly "decides" your not seeing you child without a court order.

Let's see how that washes over in court.

The reason she's done that is probably because she won't think you will follow through, she has sensed you may be short on money and so won't go through with it.

Don't back down, have a mediator invite her to mediation, use the voucher scheme, first is free for both parents. If she declines, sign off and bang in an application without delay.

 

[Jayy_]

Just go to court. She has moved 1 hour away to play happy families with your child and when she doesn't get an extra few quid
, she suddenly "decides" your not seeing you child without a court order.

Let's see how that washes over in court.

The reason she's done that is probably because she won't think you will follow through, she has sensed you may be short on money and so won't go through with it.

Don't back down, have a mediator invite her to mediation, use the voucher scheme, first is free for both parents. If she declines, sign off and bang in an application without delay.

Yes I agree, this is not a genuine concern at all & her reasoning does not make sense.

I do really want to go court to help keep her in check going forward but the fees racking up is the issue for me. I will definitely look into the c100 application.

Thanks for your support!

 

[Pj66]

Yes I agree, this is not a genuine concern at all & her reasoning does not make sense.

I do really want to go court to help keep her in check going forward but the fees racking up is the issue for me. I will definitely look into the c100 application.

Thanks for your support!

As far as I'm concerned, someone who stops you seeing your child at all, even in the basis of a few quid needs court.

I know it may sound daunting but it isn't as bad as you think and will provide some stability, it's she's doing it now it will happened again and again. Stand firm, but don't tell her you've applied. Keep your distance and she can't accuse you of anything.

Learn from my mistake, I had mediation declined after being stopped, further mediation amounted to nothing other than abuse behind closed doors.

Use the funds for the school uniforms on a court application. As you said you are sending more than enough child support, and if she is not using it on school uniforms that her problem. She has no right to guilt trip you over your children. Take her to court, if she doesn't agree to interim at first hearing over her reasoning she will look terrible.

You can self represent and you will learn a lot on here, first hearings are not as intense as future hearing so my personal experience is that I could have self repped at mine looking back. Depends how confident you feel but my advise would be to say less than is necessary at that hearing as it's very brief.

 

[Jayy_]

As far as I'm concerned, someone who stops you seeing your child at all, even in the basis of a few quid needs court.

I know it may sound daunting but it isn't as bad as you think and will provide some stability, it's she's doing it now it will happened again and again. Stand firm, but don't tell her you've applied. Keep your distance and she can't accuse you of anything.

Learn from my mistake, I had mediation declined after being stopped, further mediation amounted to nothing other than abuse behind closed doors.

Use the funds for the school uniforms on a court application. As you said you are sending more than enough child support, and if she is not using it on school uniforms that her problem. She has no right to guilt trip you over your children. Take her to court, if she doesn't agree to interim at first hearing over her reasoning she will look terrible.

You can self represent and you will learn a lot on here, first hearings are not as intense as future hearing so my personal experience is that I could have self repped at mine looking back. Depends how confident you feel but my advise would be to say less than is necessary at that hearing as it's very brief.

You are right this would most likely become an issue as she has shown signs of trying to replace me e.g. telling our son to call her partner dad even though he said he has one dad which is me.

Thank you for the support, no doubt I will definitely be going down the formal agreement route to hopefully stop her from playing these games