Kids diet

[Bruce]

Hi guys my ex wife whom I co parent has decided to go vegan which also means kids, im having issue with this as iv no intention on being vegan myself nor does my dad whom I live with so everyday things that my kids used be allowed are now off the menu but are in front of them when they come to mine, iv tried follow suit but kids lunch boxes come home from school full as they find most dairy free gluten products bland, I beleive in them having a healthy diet and I do my best encouraging to have good intake of fruit n veg everyday, every now again she calls saying that iv giving them bread that not gluten free or cereal or whatever, im finding very frustrating and its impossible to argue as she make it out that I'm arguing to give them something bad when I'm not its just bread and wholemeal bread at that, I dunno where to go with this and I beleive the kids are frustrated by it too as they weren't brought up on vegan diet and now they don't enjoy most meals
Sorry small issue but just had to vent somewhere and would like see if anyone was in similar position, lot new documentarys and books out there telling us everything we ever ate is now bad

 

[mva]

How old are kids

 

[StayStrong]

I feel for you. And it is not a small issue either, please don't think you are raising something of non importance. And it is apparent you are trying your very best.

I am aware of seperated families where this has also arisen. I suggest that for a month or so, depending when your children are at home with you (ie needs to be ten suppers or so), you take the hit and make two seperate meals, and let them choose which they want to consume. That gives them their choice....on a plate.

From whatever happens you will know you are providing for their best interests and wishes, and that is what counts.

Good luck, SS.

 

[Resolute]

I'm confused about the gluten free bit, there are people who cannot tolerate gluten. This is totally separate to veganism. If mum is claiming they need to have gluten removed from their diet, I would want clarity on whether or not there is a medical need to remove gluten.

There are also important medical questions relating to veganism, it is actually quite complex and involved to ensure a nutritionally complete diet for a vegan. It might be worth asking mum about how she is ensuring that the diet is sufficient and getting her take on the need for supplements.

This stinks of setting up a stick to beat you with, a basis to claim that you are not a responsible father, do not recognise the kid's needs, are not fit to have them in your care.

Classic technique is to write something that gives very limited information and let you act without having the full picture. They then dump further information when they are discrediting your choices.

Tread carefully.

 

[Kyle]

Why are the children being forced to follow mums diet? They should not have to adopt her her eating habits.

 

[Ash]

Agree - tread carefully. My ex insisted on all sorts (no sweets, no sugar at all) which was really tough sometimes but I went with it. Claiming some made up thing. Took me a while to realise my son ate all these things at ex's - it was just to try and spoil his time with me and/or to hope he wouldn't want to come if there was no sweet stuff. The lengths they go to.

The nutritional aspect is important as Resolute says. Maybe try and get something in writing politely, to clarify what the position is, and what nutritional information she can share with you for veganism, to provide a balanced diet and why this is to be gluten free as well. Sounds like she just may be obsessing about health - or it could be to cause issues so they don't like your food.

It will also cover you because this could end up being something like a specific issues application if it becomes a problem, so you need something in writing. How about a Biff email along the lines of:

"Dear Ex Name

Diet

I am just writing to clarify the position on the kids diets. As you discussed recently with them, you are only eating vegan food now and wish me to only provide vegan food for them. It would be helpful if you could perhaps provide some nutritional information for a balanced vegan diet to ensure the kids get a balanced diet while eating vegan food - if you wouldn't mind. Also if you could explain to me please, why they are to have a vegan diet, and also why it needs to be gluten free as well? I am unsure how gluten free relates to being vegan as they seem to be two separate dietary needs.

Also would you be happy with a transitionary period, whereby sometimes the kids have their usual diet with me (as before) and sometimes a vegan meal as I am keen to make sure they continue to have a balanced diet and also enjoy meals they have always enjoyed, rather than go in at the deep end and find they won't eat for example.

I am not vegan and neither is my Dad. However, I have no objection to preparing separate meals but some further discussion/detail would be helpful to avoid stress or issues for the kids.

Regards, you"

It could be a text or whatsapp - doesn't have to be an email - but try and do something in writing. Her reply could be useful/interesting as she needs to have good reason and show that she has considered nutrition. For example does vegan include milk? I think milk is quite important for growing kids.

 

[Ash]

Just seen Kyle's reply. That's an issue too. You don't want hassle and disruption over this or her making excuses for not allowing them to come - on the other hand you don't want to commit to entirely just yet, hence asking for more information. She can't really dictate to you what to cook and feed them. If it was in a court situation they would want to see you had tried to agree something between you, before asking for a court to make a decision about whether or not you had to give them a vegan diet! I think it's in the realms of "different parenting styles" and if you were expected to go along with it, you would be within your rights to ask for a dietician led analysis of their nutrition on a vegan diet.

I know nothing about vegan diets but I do know some vegetarians who don't get a balanced diet and end up with nutritional deficiencies - in that they just live on cheese on toast and mushrooms or something.

 

[Bruce]

How old are kids

7 and 3

 

[Bruce]

Agree - tread carefully. My ex insisted on all sorts (no sweets, no sugar at all) which was really tough sometimes but I went with it. Claiming some made up thing. Took me a while to realise my son ate all these things at ex's - it was just to try and spoil his time with me and/or to hope he wouldn't want to come if there was no sweet stuff. The lengths they go to.

The nutritional aspect is important as Resolute says. Maybe try and get something in writing politely, to clarify what the position is, and what nutritional information she can share with you for veganism, to provide a balanced diet and why this is to be gluten free as well. Sounds like she just may be obsessing about health - or it could be to cause issues so they don't like your food.

It will also cover you because this could end up being something like a specific issues application if it becomes a problem, so you need something in writing. How about a Biff email along the lines of:

"Dear Ex Name

Diet

I am just writing to clarify the position on the kids diets. As you discussed recently with them, you are only eating vegan food now and wish me to only provide vegan food for them. It would be helpful if you could perhaps provide some nutritional information for a balanced vegan diet to ensure the kids get a balanced diet while eating vegan food - if you wouldn't mind. Also if you could explain to me please, why they are to have a vegan diet, and also why it needs to be gluten free as well? I am unsure how gluten free relates to being vegan as they seem to be two separate dietary needs.

Also would you be happy with a transitionary period, whereby sometimes the kids have their usual diet with me (as before) and sometimes a vegan meal as I am keen to make sure they continue to have a balanced diet and also enjoy meals they have always enjoyed, rather than go in at the deep end and find they won't eat for example.

I am not vegan and neither is my Dad. However, I have no objection to preparing separate meals but some further discussion/detail would be helpful to avoid stress or issues for the kids.

Regards, you"

It could be a text or whatsapp - doesn't have to be an email - but try and do something in writing. Her reply could be useful/interesting as she needs to have good reason and show that she has considered nutrition. For example does vegan include milk? I think milk is quite important for growing kids.

Thank for your feedback, Sorry I'd like to clarify when I said she decided be vegan I was cutting story short, no dairy, all gluten free products, breads, cereals, etc, no pork beef chicken also brought into fish into it, I don't know word for diet she choosen so I put vegan out there as I think not far off it basically anything she reads up about and finds something wrong with is off menu, responding to her in writing prob best idea, thanks

 

[Bruce]

I'm confused about the gluten free bit, there are people who cannot tolerate gluten. This is totally separate to veganism. If mum is claiming they need to have gluten removed from their diet, I would want clarity on whether or not there is a medical need to remove gluten.

There are also important medical questions relating to veganism, it is actually quite complex and involved to ensure a nutritionally complete diet for a vegan. It might be worth asking mum about how she is ensuring that the diet is sufficient and getting her take on the need for supplements.

This stinks of setting up a stick to beat you with, a basis to claim that you are not a responsible father, do not recognise the kid's needs, are not fit to have them in your care.

Classic technique is to write something that gives very limited information and let you act without having the full picture. They then dump further information when they are discrediting your choices.

Tread carefully.

Thank for feedback, she never used the word vegan I put it out there as it's basically no meat fish poultry eggs dairy, anything I am purchasing should be gluten free i couldnt think word put to it, there's no medical reason for kids with gluten or dairy, were perfectly healthy eating these foods before, I beleive she was just reading some book n seen number documentarys that changed her view on food, but there no talking to her and it made out like I don't care much for kids future health by not following suit

 

[Resolute]

I would get it in writing that you are concerned for the kids and want to do all you can to ensure a healthy diet. You could ask her to tell you what health needs are being met by the new diet and to explain how she ensures nutritional needs are satisfied despite the excluded foods. Also, you could ask her to confirm all of the foods she proposes to remove from their diet. I would ask her if the changes have been recommended by a medical professional, and if she can recommend an introductory text you can use to get started.

She may well be reluctant to give clear answers, in which case you are of the hook. If she does give clear answers, from what you have said, they are not likely to be well considered.

 

[Ash]

I'm suspicious this has happened just before Christmas! Is she just trying to spoil your Christmas (ie can't stand the thought of the kids enjoying Christmas food at yours?). Her list is almost a joke unless there is some diagnosis and official recommendation. It excludes just about everything except nuts and vegetables! Or does it exclude nuts too? No dairy means no chocolate.

I would be quite concerned about this. You can't just agree to it. But if you don't what would she do? Withold them? Do you have in writing everything she has asked you to exclude? Have you spoken to the kids GP?

Suggest you write to the GP requesting information on any recent diagnoses for the children and whether they need special diets for a particular condition or not. That way you can establish if it's a medical issue or a lifestyle issue.

 

[Kyle]

A Gluten intolerance is not insignificant. My 7 year old nephew spent a considerable amount of time suffering the pain of it’s effects until it was stabilised through careful diet management. I would expect to be informed if my child had this condition so I could apply the same.

 

[Peanut 21]

As others have said, I'd request a list of foods your ex has proposed to eliminate from the kids diet firstly.
It's extremely dangerous to eliminate whole food groups at any age, let alone a child who is still developing.
Even if a doctor suspects a child may be allergic (would be major symptoms) or intolerant, they would try a process of elimination first. Not an outright cut everything out diet.
It's extremely difficult getting hold of doctors now and Christmas period doesn't help but you could contact the surgery requesting your children's medical records if your ex refuses.
My partner has done this a few times as his ex doesn't inform him on any medical issues. The first time the surgery refused without the mothers permission as she'd blocked him due to domestic abuse allegations. If you have parental responsibility you have every right to access your children's medical/school records. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise!
My partners ex has sent and resent lists of food the children will eat and can't eat a few times. It's to create as much difficulty as possible. She put 'McDonald's nuggets' on the will eat list and certain healthy food on the can't list. Madness.
It's also a form of control from a distance.

 

[Resolute]

If you do write to her asking for the clarifications people have suggested, and she does bother to come back to you with details, you will then have a job researching her proposal. Once you identify the specific nutrients that are difficult/impossible to get from the diet she recommends, you could ask her how she replaces them. No need to go on the attack, just share the obstacles you come across when attempting to follow the diet and provide all the kids need at the same time.

Clarity is really important, excluding meat, fish, eggs, dairy, is not actually vegan. Vegan is more restrictive than that, it excludes all animal products from the production process, even honey! Veganism also applies outside of diet, shoes and belts for example. Clarity on the basis of her decision is essential too. Restriction on the basis of, for example, faith or health, would probably have to be respected.

Share on here when she comes back to you. If I see it, I'll have a read up on what she says.

Here are some examples of how far vaganism can go:

How vegan is your home?

Discover hidden items that may contain animal ingredients.

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