Just Advice

[DB2021]

Hi Everyone.

I hope your all well.

I’m just after anyone’s advice or views on something.

I’ve been speaking with my ex today as she gives me updates when I ask for them so I’m not completely cut out but she’s mentioned something that has unnerved me a little bit.


She’s said that he partner is looking into adopting her middle daughter who has never met her dad and this has got the kids taking about how many mams they have etc. and she’s said when my little girl was discussing it she’s said she has 2 dads. Now I’ve always known she would view exs partner as dad given what they’ve caused but it is a small comfort that she still sees me as a dad if it’s true what she’s saying.

Ex has also said that my little girl hasn’t said to anyone that I’m not her dad. But she also put that “it’s not to rub it in your face but for you to know she still classes you as a dad”

I just have that horrible niggle in my mind that is it leading to something else.

I guess I’m just wanting to know am I overthinking it?.

Any opinions or advice is always greatly appreciated

 

[Resolute]

Hi DB,

Good to hear from you. I think after all she has been through it is great that your daughter still knows you are her dad. I was brought up by a 'stepfather' and I see him as my dad. Always have, he has been my dad since before I was a year old. My mum did not demonize my biological father, but she did tell me he was an alcoholic, he was btw. I found out as an adult that he got violent with her. Anyway, despite not knowing him at all and not having the best impression. I was curious as a young adult and went out of my way to spend some time with him. He was a bit of a let down tbh, but I felt like making the effort. As a child I didn't want anything to do with him. Not out of resentment or malice, it just felt too confusing. This makes me think that your daughter will be curious to know you at some point. Probably when she feels less dependent on your ex.

You are not overthinking things. It is natural to have such thoughts. But, even if she were to be adopted. She knows she has two dads. This is easy to get you head around at her age. I think it is important for the child to know before they understand 'the birds and the bees', I was 5 or 6 when I found out I had another dad.

Her normal is two as opposed to one.

It must hurt to hear that somebody else is in your shoes. My dad is great and I am grateful to have had a father in place for my whole life. To be honest though, it is different to the blood relationship I have with my mother and my child. I would have liked to have had opportunity for a good relationship with my biological father, not instead, but as well.

One day you and your daughter will be able to share memories. I'm sure deep down she already knows you love her and will always be there for her.

 

[DB2021]

Hi DB,

Good to hear from you. I think after all she has been through it is great that your daughter still knows you are her dad. I was brought up by a 'stepfather' and I see him as my dad. Always have, he has been my dad since before I was a year old. My mum did not demonize my biological father, but she did tell me he was an alcoholic, he was btw. I found out as an adult that he got violent with her. Anyway, despite not knowing him at all and not having the best impression. I was curious as a young adult and went out of my way to spend some time with him. He was a bit of a let down tbh, but I felt like making the effort. As a child I didn't want anything to do with him. Not out of resentment or malice, it just felt too confusing. This makes me think that your daughter will be curious to know you at some point. Probably when she feels less dependent on your ex.

You are not overthinking things. It is natural to have such thoughts. But, even if she were to be adopted. She knows she has two dads. This is easy to get you head around at her age. I think it is important for the child to know before they understand 'the birds and the bees', I was 5 or 6 when I found out I had another dad.

Her normal is two as opposed to one.

It must hurt to hear that somebody else is in your shoes. My dad is great and I am grateful to have had a father in place for my whole life. To be honest though, it is different to the blood relationship I have with my mother and my child. I would have liked to have had opportunity for a good relationship with my biological father, not instead, but as well.

One day you and your daughter will be able to share memories. I'm sure deep down she already knows you love her and will always be there for her.

Thanx Resolute.

I have no anger towards my exs partner even though I know he’s played and still plays a part in the ruin of my relationship with my daughter but let go of the real anger towards them a while ago. I can’t change the position I’m in and whilst it’s taken a hell of a lot out of me mentally and emotionally I’ve come out the other end and am just moving on with my life but always drip feeding love and being there for when she’s ready.

The adoption side I’m assuming ex would need my permission? Something which she will never get if she ever does have the nerve to ask but surely they can’t just go ahead and do it? I think that’s probably where why worry comes from in case they can.

It’s one of them that for some reason I have that little niggle that at some point ex is going to claim my daughter wants to be adopted by him because her sister has been which is something that will hurt me beyond measure given I’m not an absent father by choice

 

[Resolute]

I don't know much about adoption. When I said even if she was adopted it was just to show that I believe the important thing is she knows you are her dad.

Just had a quick read on .gov.uk, it seems your permission would be required aside from exceptional circumstances.

 

[DB2021]

I don't know much about adoption. When I said even if she was adopted it was just to show that I believe the important thing is she knows you are her dad.

Just had a quick read on .gov.uk, it seems your permission would be required aside from exceptional circumstances.

Yeah it was nice to hear that she still views me as her dad but I only have Exs word for it which is difficult given the past.

Yeah I did think permission would be needed but didn’t know of ex could claim he’s not been in her life for x years blah blah blah, I’d fight it all the way no matter what anyway.