Is it possible to have a "good" divorce and remain friends/amicable?

[ataloss]

Well I guess as per the title, is it possible?

Some background.....my wife of 18 years (2 kids 16 & 13) told me in October that our marriage was over and she wanted a divorce....long story short I fell into a deep depression when my father died suddenly 5 years ago, and I was on a decline before that to be fair....she tried numerous times in that period to reach out and save the marriage/help me, but I wasn't able....I'm in a much better place now (notwithstanding the divorce I don't want), but she's no longer willing to work on things.

Soon we will be having the conversation around who will move out, child arrangements etc....but since the bombshell we've been getting on really well. We are re-connecting as friends and things have been really nice and pleasant (aside from the elephant in the room) and have been able to live and what not with no issues in the same house, albiet in seperate rooms.

We have both said we want things to continue in this manner in the future, although living apart for the kids sake and family sake (she is really close to my mother).

Am I (we) being niaive? Is this going to get worse or is "good" possible?

 

[Yeboah1]

Think it is possible, what you won’t know is if that’s the case until you’re in it. I think often even when it’s amicable and good a new partner can often change things. But even then anything’s possible.

 

[Peanut 21]

I've known of people who have amicable divorces but it changes when a new partner comes on the scene, as Yeboah1 says. I've also known of people who have gone through hell for the initial stages but in time they become civil.
Only time and circumstances will tell.

 

[ataloss]

Hmmm, looks like we may be deluding ourselves.....

 

[Yeboah1]

Hmmm, looks like we may be deluding ourselves.....

I don’t think so, ask yourself how you’d be if she had a new partner and stuff like that. Would you be ok with it? If you are then you’re halfway to what you’re hoping for.

 

[Dirge]

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. It would certainly make the divorce process a lot less stressful and massively cheaper if you can remain on good terms with your ex and agree things amicably. It is possible. if you haven't already, suggest going to mediation together and start thrashing out the details of who gets what, who lives where, what the child arrangements will be etc. How that first session goes will give you a heads up on how the rest will unfold. New partners, finances, who gets what can bring out the worst in people.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. It would certainly make the divorce process a lot less stressful and massively cheaper if you can remain on good terms with your ex and agree things amicably. It is possible. if you haven't already, suggest going to mediation together and start thrashing out the details of who gets what, who lives where, what the child arrangements will be etc. How that first session goes will give you a heads up on how the rest will unfold. New partners, finances, who gets what can bring out the worst in people.

Hope for the best and plan for the worst - perfectly said

 

[Oneofmany]

As soon as you hear the phrase "what entitled to" you know your in trouble

 

[ataloss]

We had a discussion recently about living arrangements and agreed she would move out to a rental. I'm worried about how she will afford it (not my problem I know) but she only brings in £2200 a month roughly and after rent and bills I worry about the impact that will have as she won't have anything left pretty much.

We both agree that everything should be done for the kids however to keep them comfortable and they will be spending a week with each of us.

 

[Peanut 21]

We had a discussion recently about living arrangements and agreed she would move out to a rental. I'm worried about how she will afford it (not my problem I know) but she only brings in £2200 a month roughly and after rent and bills I worry about the impact that will have as she won't have anything left pretty much.

We both agree that everything should be done for the kids however to keep them comfortable and they will be spending a week with each of us.

£2200 a month is pretty decent amount compared to a lot of people. Unless you're in the centre of London or another city where prices are massively ramped up. It's thoughtful and logical for you to be concerned. But she's an adult so it's not your problem.

In relation to an amicable divorce, I guess it depends on how the couple dealt with disagreements and arguments before the separation to see how things may pan out post divorce.

 

[ataloss]

A 3 bed house here is about 1k a month to rent. Plus CT, bills etc.

Could she be entitled to spousal maintenance?

 

[Nujra Rof]

A 3 bed house here is about 1k a month to rent. Plus CT, bills etc.

Could she be entitled to spousal maintenance?

Surely not spousal maintenance as how could you pay her and live your self (providing likewise for the kids)

 

[Peanut 21]

Other dads who have been through divorce will give better advice than me about spousal support. I'm guessing if the mother has an income it's not relevant.
I didn't mean to add an extra stress.

 

[ataloss]

Surely not spousal maintenance as how could you pay her and live your self (providing likewise for the kids)

I earn 60k and could pay the mortgage in the FMH and pay SM potentially....

 

[ataloss]

Other dads who have been through divorce will give better advice than me about spousal support. I'm guessing if the mother has an income it's not relevant.
I didn't mean to add an extra stress.

It's ok, you didn't.

Weirdly I still care for her, perhaps I need to crush that. And I don't want to see my kids suffer.

 

[Peanut 21]

It's ok, you didn't.

Weirdly I still care for her, perhaps I need to crush that. And I don't want to see my kids suffer.

You can't just turn off your feelings. This was someone you created life with.
Hopefully in time you can both settle into separate lives and become civil.

 

[ataloss]

Well it's very civil now TBF, we both want to keep it that way....

 

[Ash]

It can be amicable, but things can change, and the danger with informal arrangements is if your stbx (soon to be ex) changes her mind about something re the child arrangements, there isn't anything you can do unless it's in a court order. But - with the ages of your children it's a bit late for a court order so you NEED to keep things amicable for the kids. The 16 year old can basically live wherever they want and choose for themselves, so if both parents are agreed what's best for them they are more likely to go along with it. Week on week off sounds good.

However, as Peanut said, if she met someone new - people can change - want to be less amicable and even want to move away sometimes. Also if she gets legal advice, solicitors tend to tell Mothers to get whatever they can or say they should be claiming xyz.

You haven't mentioned house equity. There shouldn't be any spousal as you're both working and earning. But any house equity is usually shared - the starting point being 50/50. So it might be that if you wanted to stay in the house, you'd need to buy her out of her share.

It seems odd she would want to rent and not buy another place. But both should have equity from the former family home to be able to buy another place if they want.

I think it's entirely possible for things to be sorted amicably and it's good you're getting on. However, experiences have made me cynical and the one thing I would say is, once you're separated, it's each for themselves and trust goes out the window.

If she was ever in a position to want a life with someone else who lived a 100 miles away ..........what would her priorities be? For the kids to spend week on week off with you? Or to spend her life with her new man. The answer would be the second one. In a situation like that, you can't do week on week off - it would probably just be every other week-end and some time in school holidays - and you'd also then have to pay Child Maintenance as well, for both of the children, until they leave education (age 20 or before if they leave education earlier).

I think the test of whether it's really amicable and agreed is to say you would like a consent order for the children to live with you both week on week off. What this does is formalise the arrangement in a child arrangements order. No need for court. You just both get a solicitor as a one off job. Yours draws up the order, hers approves it, and it's sent off for sealing.

Now while it may be hard to enforce for a 13 year old (and wouldn't be enforceable for a 16 year old) it does mean they legally live with both of you and it could be helpful if there were ever issues.

Ultimately though, once the 13 year old is 14 going on 15, they can just choose to live with one parent if they want, but hopefully they will both want to keep seeing both of you regularly.

 

[ataloss]

The house situation is complicated.

She wants to rent whilst looking to buy, she doesn't want several more months in the house.

It was is TIC, I'm not sure the impact that has in divorce. Orginally I owned 25%, the wife 25% and each of my parents 25%. My Dad passed away 5 years ago and I inherited his share so I now own 50%, Mum and the wife own 25% each. But I am assuming the "marital share" is 75%?

We can't sell the property because Mum has a life interest and it will be nigh on impossible to get a mortgage with her on the deeds and the life interest. So we are both unsure how to make it work.