In need of help/advice

[Siesta72]

Currently in the process of CAO with my ex partner as she has withheld access to my 1 year old son since september.
I currently have bail conditions not to speak to her due to 'stalking' allegations ongoing. (Stems from we were on ok terms she told me she was putting our son to bed and randomly blocked me so drove to her house to find another guys car there who she had been sleeping with behind my back).

Because of this she is getting 'legal aid' and all of her solicitors and legal costs are being paid for.

I am currently having to pay for all of mine and she knows this and she has actually filed for CMS maliciously to try and make it harder for me to be able to afford the legal fees as they have somehow calculated I need to pay her to the tune of 180 pounds per week, which I am struggling to afford.

We did have a first hearing to which she is fully playing the victim card requesting screens in court and asked the blue door to support her for the cases. The judge said because of the allegations made they cannot reccomend direct or indirect contact in the interim and currently awaiting childrens services to do a section 7 report.
How the hell is this fair that I have not been able to see my son for 6 months due to her just deciding not to allow it, yet at the same time I have to give her 180 pounds a week incentivising her to keep my son from me as long as possible. On top of me having to pay thousands in legal fees which I cant claim back from her because she doesn't want to contribute to society and work for a living like the majority of people.

There are no safegaurding concerns between me and my son (social services had previously done an assessment and put a safety plan in place that I should be allowed to see him at ex's mothers house) They never actually arranged this when i have tried to do so amicably and made every excuse under the sun. She has told them I drink (used to go out once a week for a few pints like a lot of people do but have stopped since xmas day) but this is really getting on my wick. Sons grandmother wont even send me photos of him as they are under the belief that 'social services have told them not to' which I think is bollocks as what harm can be done by seeing a photo of my own son or any kind of update to know how he is doing.

Have even contacted her mother and asked to be taken off CMS and I will pay her the same amount directly but she wont do it.

I believe the CMS case was opened maliciously in response to me filing the c100 court application.

What can I actually do and how can this even be allowed to happen? It is so unjust.

Mental health is being affected and the system seems to massively favour the mothers. - Cant even reach out for support for this as it will be recorded and brought up that I am suffering by respondant party and used against me no doubt.

I got an email other day from a solicitors company saying that they well now be representing her. In my initial position statement for the previous hearing I have only asked for Fri to sun every other weekend.

Next hearing is scheduled for April, looking like I am going to have to be LIP as this ontop of costs of living on my own is absolutley skinting me but I do not qualify for legal aid. Currently waiting for childrens services to contact me and conduct the section 7. Is this usually in person? If not can I request that it is in person? I feel like they are already against me based on previous reports

I need a way to speed this up or at least put a pause on the CMS payments so that I am able to afford to have myself represented.

Is it worth mentioning about 'Malicious mother syndrome' as I 100% believe this is what is happening to me.

Should I reach out to exes solicitor and find out what their next steps would be? I'm not even sure what I need to do before this next hearing.

Really struggling with this and gobsmacked how an ex I wish I never had anything to do with is still trying her best to control me and make life miserable despite splitting up with her in Sept.

Also, is there a way to include an increase in contact to progress over time in the judges ruling? I feel like even if I do get every other weekend id eventually like to go for 50/50 but feel like I cant at the moment due to his age as he is only 1.

Thanks in advance. Sorry for the rambling post. So many thoughts in my head and struggling to come up with a way to communicate them.

 

[Resolute]

I am in the middle of something, so cannot answer in detail.

I just want to suggest that you do not write to her solicitor, her, or her family, about CMS.

Take it slow.

 

[Ash]

Hi. It's all horribly wrong and unfair isn't it? Ex's play the system and their free solicitors help them. You need to play the long game here. However frustrated, upset and wound up you are, it's better to keep things totally child focused when talking to Cafcass (or is it social services?) doing the Section 7. The urge to rant about her and what she's done is strong, I know - but do that on here. When talking to Cafcass, do not say anything negative about the ex. Because it will count against you (weird I know but it's the way the system works). To Cafcass - the Mother is the Mother and the child lives with her. As a Dad you are basically having to prove you're a good safe co parent. And Cafcass see a good safe Dad as one who is positive about co parenting with the Mother - the reason for that is - they think the child is at risk of being caught in the middle of conflict if the parents are both hurling accusations at each other - and if they think there is "conflict between parents" they just give the child to the Mother and minimal or no time to the Father. To keep the child out of conflict.

So you need to play the long game, be whiter than white - don't criticise the ex - just say you just want your child to have happy loving relationships with both parents and you want to co parent amicably. Let your ex make all the allegations - when there's no real evidence or it's just been a one off incident, they could be dismissed. Accusing her of being malicious (even though it's true) will just get a black mark with Cafcass.

If they ask you about the stalking incident, just say you didn't consider it stalking to go round and check on your child but it only happened the once (if that's the case). So basically try and win Cafcass over - they have a lot of power. Show them you're a good Dad - talk about your child and the things you did when you were together (if you took him places etc).

Hopefully the allegations will get dismissed. They can't have been seen as that serious as no fact find was ordered. If Cafcass think you're ok they'd probably recommend a progressing order. Starting with a few hours a week. When you get to a final hearing you can set out exactly what you want in an order and set out progression through to a full order when the child is 3 and then adjustments when they start school at 4.

Every other week-end wouldn't work with a child this age - they need to see parents every few days, once the time starts. But it could build up to every other week-end and a midweek tea time or overnight.

The CMS makes things tough, but it's a legal requirement.

 

[DannyK]

I feel your pain @Siesta72

Have been there myself (as have many other Dads on this forum) with similar false allegations, etc, etc.

You'll get some brilliant legal advice here so I won't repeat what others know better than me!

What I will say; is be in the front foot wherever possible. Ie. Doing things proactively (without being prompted by CAFCASS) that show you're serious about being a Dad.

For example, I did a 'Mini's First Aid' course for very young children. It's quick, cheap and online, and will demonstrate you are a responsible Dad who takes child's welfare seriously.

Don't tell Ex, etc, as they will mirror or undermine your actions. But having that First Aid certificate to show CAFCASS ( when the time comes) could make a big difference.

It seemed to impress them when they finally called me.

 

[Siesta72]

Just had my s7 interview at home and stupidly the judge has put in the order no direct or indirect contact with son. Where as in the actual hearing he said no direct or indirect contact until CS deem it appropriate which they now are endorsing, the woman that came round was really nice and could see things from my point of view. She asked my ex the reason for actually denying contact and she wasnt able to come up with anything credible that I havent already addressed, and mentioned that she seemed very obstructive during her visit.

@DannyK I did take your advice and booked onto the minis first aid course and mentioned it to her and she asked about it and seemed very impressed so thanks for that.

Hopefully now things are going to turn a corner and the court will see that I am doing the right thing by my son and that my ex is being the weirdo in this situation. She has passed notice on to her legal team to get the order varied so that I can have contact with my son after an extremely long and stressful 7 months. So things are finally looking up.