I wish I'd found DadsWithKids 5 months ago

[TwinDad]

Hey,


I stumbled upon this forum while spiraling into depression after getting my CC Safeguarding letter, which really shook me up. My lawyer insists I trust the process with CC and the upcoming S 7 report, but after reading a lot of your posts here and my letter, I don’t trust them one bit.

Here’s a bit of my story and please, I would so appreciate any thoughts, even just to say Ditto

My STBX left unexpectedly last September, taking our twin boys (then 15 months old) and went to a refuge, claiming she was "safe" from me. That same week, the police arrested me based on her allegations of C&C Behaviour and R%P*, and I spent a night in jail for the first time ever.

After being released on bail, I stayed away from our home and saw my boys for a few hours a couple of times a week , first with no supervision stipulation. Things escalated when she started demanding more formal supervision, and eventually cut off contact completely after an email misunderstanding involving our families.

The police dropped their investigation without any further action within four weeks, and I tried to keep things civil, but then I was hit with a non-molestation and occupation order based on a simple text I sent asking to FaceTime the boys. Despite having evidence to counter the claims in the abuse history of the order, my solicitor advised accepting undertakings to avoid prolonging the legal battle, which felt like a defeat but I hoped it would help in the long run.

Contact started up again briefly after the non-mole order hearing, which went surprisingly well, and the judge even amended some conditions to make handovers easier. But after she received my formal custody applications, she started raising “concerns” and eventually stopped contact again, alleging emotional abuse towards our sons, which she hadn’t brought up before although there was soft insinuations.

My lawyer suggested cutting off communication through the co-parenting app due to the escalating claims, and though I tried to challenge the process with an urgent hearing, the court delayed, waiting for the CC letter, which sided heavily with my STBX.

Now, I’m feeling really disillusioned—wondering if my lawyer’s approach is too passive, or if the system is just stacked against dads. We’ve proposed alternate supervisors for visits, including the local vicar and my STBX’s mother, but my lawyer isn’t optimistic. It’s a mess, and any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading, and I’d welcome any thoughts you have and thank you for all of the posts I have read so far, wish I’d found you guys sooner.

 

[childfirst]

I am unable to offer much but could you consider a family group conference? Also look at what parenting online courses your local council offer. Most are free and people say the courts look at them in a very positive manner. I am doing as many as I can at the moment. I realise I am a great dad but want to show I am willing to do relevant courses.
I do hope other helps but from the sounds of it you have had the regular shopping list of tricks.
Have you done a police subject access request or asked court for full disclosure?

 

[TwinDad]

I am unable to offer much but could you consider a family group conference? Also look at what parenting online courses your local council offer. Most are free and people say the courts look at them in a very positive manner. I am doing as many as I can at the moment. I realise I am a great dad but want to show I am willing to do relevant courses.
I do hope other helps but from the sounds of it you have had the regular shopping list of tricks.
Have you done a police subject access request or asked court for full disclosure?

Hi and thanks for replying!

I have heard others in here talk about courses, I will look into them for sure.

I am an amazing dad, my boys adore spending time with me and it is heart wrenching knowing they are wondering where I am. I am a remote worker and was part of every aspect of their daily lives, other than a few hours a day where on work calls. I don't need to tell you that I have never abused my kids, they are everything to me.

I did ask my solicitor if we should request the police report from the arrest to better understand exactly what I was being investigated for but she didn't sound like that was a good idea. I thought, let's get more of her lies together so that we can nail her in cross examination.

the CC letter did provide some detail - 3 years ago she woke up and I was inside her, timeline was when we were conceiving the kids, this did not happen! as well, I was apparently listening to her therapy conversations (which I encouraged her to seek, and were actually the beginning of the end as she just used these sessions to blame me for everything) via the dash cam. The dash cam only records when the cars in motion so its not even possible to do what she said (also, I still trusted my STBX at that time).

Do you recommend getting the full disclosure against my lawyer's advice? I am having a lot of concerns about her advice and have considered changing but the cost is a big turn off right now and thought it better to try and push her and work with her.

Thanks again, I feel at home here !

 

[childfirst]

I have no doubt, like myself and others we are amazing dads.

As in regards to the actions you should be taking and the lawyer, I do believe many others have greater experiecne than myself.
Most importantly the police are not proceeding and it appears you apply logic and can demonstrate claims are false.

Do remember at times you can do things yourself in family court and many people in this group appear to have done that. I am at the start but doing as much of this as I can myself. We are all learning and trying to have our children back in our lives.

 

[TwinDad]

I have no doubt, like myself and others we are amazing dads.

As in regards to the actions you should be taking and the lawyer, I do believe many others have greater experiecne than myself.
Most importantly the police are not proceeding and it appears you apply logic and can demonstrate claims are false.

Do remember at times you can do things yourself in family court and many people in this group appear to have done that. I am at the start but doing as much of this as I can myself. We are all learning and trying to have our children back in our lives.

RE the lawyer, it is really difficult to tell whether I would be in a different situation with an alternative or whether fathers with my shopping list of baseless allegations are just a lost cause and my lawyer is just running through procedure and not telling me the reality of my situation.

Since she left, I was on bail conditions initially, then the non mol with the same restrictions and then undertakings. Throughout, I have not been able to speak directly or indirectly but she is still telling everyone under the sun that I am putting her and my sons in danger! Of course, I calculated maintenance payments since the start and have honoured those, along with the entire mortgage and a few other joint debts, leaving me with pennies every month and she is still saying im not providing. Point being, I have done everything by the book! as mentioned, even the coparent app, I have had chat got redraft my responses to remove emotion and be more cooperative. I feel so let down by this system.

Thanks again for your support

 

[Razbert]

@TwinDad I'm so sorry you're having so much grief. It sounds like the safeguarding letter was the last straw. You're solicitor is wrong to tell you to trust the Cafcass process because in my experience, there are built-in biases in their policies which means the safeguarding report inevitably is heavily on the side of the mother. It's not necessarily that the author of the report is biased, but rather the guidelines that they work to - especially where there are suggestions of Domestic Abuse. They don't have to determine if the mother is lying or not because they're told to write it all down - lies and all!

.... and to accurately record and share with the court what they have been told.

A pivotal factor in the safeguarding letter is that the mother entered a refuge. Here is the extract from para 21 of the Cafcass Domestic Abuse Practice Policy: -

Also, if it is necessary for someone to be living in a refuge for their safety, then the criteria for risk of harm or further harm will have been established. In these cases, it is necessary for an assessment of harm and risk of harm to be completed before any spending time arrangements are recommended to the court. In the unusual circumstance, where a parent is living in a refuge with their child/ren and ‘time with’ has not been suspended, then a referral should be made urgently

And also para 24: -

The same considerations must also be made when Cafcass safeguarding checks establish that there is an ongoing police investigation (including repeat investigations that have resulted in no further action) in respect of domestic violence (including coercive control), violence or sexual offending.

So that means they don't have to consider if the mother has been fabricating the story or not, but the simple fact that she was in a refuge, or if there was a police investigation that resulted in No Further Action, means that they consider there is a potential risk that the child may come to harm by the future actions of the father. They don't have to do their own investigation for the safeguarding letter because they assume that the authorities (child services or the police etc.) have done a thorough risk assessment already which led to the mother and children being admitted to a refuge. So even if the mother told a very convincing (but false) story because she had her own demons to deal with, Cafcass prefer to leave it up to the court to determine which way to go next. For that reason, the safeguarding letter will talk about potential risks, but also will ask that there should be a fact finding hearing as well as a S7 report and will often recommend no contact until much further though the process.

So, the bottom line is that a bad safeguarding letter should be challenged - not necessarily because you disagree with what the mother has said - but because Cafcass have made factual mistakes and have drawn conclusions based on incorrect information. If the letter is not challenged, the judge will simply accept it at face value, whereas if you or your solicitor make efforts to bring those errors to the court's attention, it will change the effect of the Cafcass recommendations.

I had a similar experience, but luckily the judge could see that the mother had manipulated the system for her own purposes and so he more or less disregarded the safeguarding letter all together. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made a fuss. Don't take the Cafcass nonsense - you have to fight tooth and nail because your kid's future lives with their father are at stake! (But do it nicely, otherwise they will say you're being aggressive!)

Cafcass DA Practice Policy

 

[TwinDad]

So, the bottom line is that a bad safeguarding letter should be challenged - not necessarily because you disagree with what the mother has said - but because Cafcass have made factual mistakes and have drawn conclusions based on incorrect information. If the letter is not challenged, the judge will simply accept it at face value, whereas if you or your solicitor make efforts to bring those errors to the court's attention, it will change the effect of the Cafcass recommendations.

Thanks for the response and apologies for my formatting, im a forum newbie!

I have with my lawyer challenged the CC letter, drafted and sent on Friday to court for the non attendance triage hearing one this coming Tuesday. She gave the attempt a 20% chance at successfully changing the courts mind (toward home supervision with my parents, which has been working successfully for many many weeks). It strongly challenges the CC letter in a few ways, for example the FCA mentions at the top that undertakings replaced the Non Mol but throughout the letter they refer to the non mol. also, I at length explained the reasons I offered undertakings but they misconstrued what I said and inferred that I did not contest due to potential guilt. I could post that letter if interested and remove/redact any indicative info if interested (or advised?).

As well, my letter argues that contact was occurring without problem until Christmas and notifies that the STBX was messaging me with creeping allegations about child abuse on receipt of my C100/C1A, first though she was upset I wasn't talking to her at handovers (I have observed the undertakings for mine and what I thought was HER protection) and that I wasn't providing post contact updates (I was, just not formatted the way she wanted them, or more likely she was jealous that it sounded like we had a great time). she also said in the coparent app finally that she would allow contact for the following two more days (24th dec & 29th Dec) but after that she was going to cease contact until she found a 'neutral third party' to supervise. I also provided 4 names of neutral supervisors, including two family friends, the local vicar and my STBX's own mother! unofficially she has rejected her own mother but I am still awaiting an official response stating such (unlikely now she has the weight ofd the CC letter on her side). I am praying the court reads this and is taken into consideration.

I had an amazing judge at the non mol, he was really sympathetic to me and my case and without realising it, my STBX left that hearing as a loser, small win but it was definitely still a win!

Thanks for your support

 

[Razbert]

Do you recommend getting the full disclosure against my lawyer's advice? I am having a lot of concerns about her advice and have considered changing but the cost is a big turn off right now and thought it better to try and push her and work with her.

It might be difficult to get full disclosure without a direction from the court - that is perhaps why your lawyer is against it. A straightforward Subject Access Request, is only to your personal data held by the police, and how it is being used, they can't tell you anything reported by, or mentioning a third party for reasons of Data Protection. That means even if they did give you a report, it would be highly redacted to take out anything the complainant may have said against you.

I had an amazing judge at the non mol, he was really sympathetic to me and my case and without realising it, my STBX left that hearing as a loser, small win but it was definitely still a win!

As a matter of interest, was the NMO done by the same court as your C100 application for the CAO? It would be nice to continue with the sympathetic judge.

 

[TwinDad]

So I was just assuming that my lawyer is so desperately afraid that it might further highlight allegations, she isn't great at explaining her motives. before this nightmare, I have never been in trouble with the police other than an over the limit roadside blow which was dropped at the station after being under. This was in 2012, of course cafcass have that in their report. I don't drink anymore, bar 1 or two pints at the weekend.

No unfortunately, the non mol was at a separate court. My STBX application was Bristol and mine at Swindon. The courts saw hers as the lead and consolidated into Bristol, which was a blow as my hearing was to be an attended hearing with Bristol being a non attended triage. Not sure if the current hearing is set to be Judge or Magistrates..... Maybe someone knows that perhaps triages are always Judge led?

Oh what I'd give to have that Non Mol Judge again, he was seething at the previous judge who signed off on the Ex Parte order

 

[mainstay92]

Because of claims of abuse, they will probs do a section 7 to see what is going on. A social worker appointed to the kids. I would try keep the supervised contact even as it keeps contact open. It may be a long process due to allegations but keep all evidence you have to counter act the allegations. You will be ok and see your kids. Try stay positive and calm. Don't let her wind u up . Probs looking for a reaction

 

[TwinDad]

Because of claims of abuse, they will probs do a section 7 to see what is going on. A social worker appointed to the kids. I would try keep the supervised contact even as it keeps contact open. It may be a long process due to allegations but keep all evidence you have to counter act the allegations. You will be ok and see your kids. Try stay positive and calm. Don't let her wind u up . Probs looking for a reaction

Just so everyone knows, currently the abuse accusations for the kids are that I have and do 'Mock them'; in her application she said I would call them C**ts and Tw**s, then telling CC that I call them retards and stupid. utterly ridiculous. as well, that I am generally aggressive and shout and swear. Also, because the last time I dropped them home (last time I saw them), I said to my 18 month olds 'give me a huge hug as I don't know when I'll see you again next'. As a week before she had notified me that the negatives of the current arrangement outweigh the benefits and she would stop contact after the the next two arranged contact days.

Of course I am worried that these allegations will evolve detrimentally over time, especially the harder I fight.

The supervised contact centre recommendation by CC is so upsetting, I am sure you guys know that feeling but I am prepared to do it, I am not giving up, just sick of feeling like I am not being as smart about this as I could.

Luckily, I have ALWAYS used chat GPT to clean up comms since the split, so she is the only one looking reactive so far; little good that seems to have done for me.

Thanks !

 

[Ash]

my solicitor advised accepting undertakings to avoid prolonging the legal battle, which felt like a defeat but I hoped it would help in the long run.

This was the right thing to do. An undertaking means there is no power of arrest, it sounds like you were also allowed to use a parenting app for child communications, and arrangements for handovers as well.

So forget the NMO - but keep to the terms of it!

As you may have seen on here, allegations are common.

My suggestion is

1) Stop spending a lot of money on a solicitor - de-instruct them and use a direct access barrister for your first hearing - you will get more results.
2) Don't worry about what the Cafcass safeguarding letter says.
3) Results happen at hearings. A barrister may be able to argue a section 7 report isn't necessary because you were having unsupervised time initially
4) Try to detach from the allegations and don't let them get to you. They are just words at this stage.

The Cafcass safeguarding letter is almost always an unpleasant read. Bear in mind that for the bulk of it, Cafcass are just "reporting" what each parent has said". They are not saying it is true, even if it sounds like they are saying it happened. They are just reporting what the mother has said.

At this stage, they don't know who is telling the truth, so they err on the side of caution. They are also used to Mothers making allegations and some they ignore as post divorce feeling.

The important bit of the letter is the bit at the end where they make recommendations to the court as to what happens next.

So a few questions:

1) What are the recommendations at the end of the Cafcass safeguarding letter?
2) Do you have a date for a first hearing?

This is a process, where you have to take one step at a time, and jump through hoops. The most important part of this process is how you yourself behave. Always act in a calm manner and don't retaliate. You are judged by your behaviour. If you lose your cool you could be labelled as "possibly aggressive".

The court doesn't always do what Cafcass recommends at the end of the safeguarding letter. That is up to the Judge at the first hearing, who will take a lot of notice of a barrister you use.

When we are struggling, there is a tendency to treat a solicitor more as a counsellor than a solicitor, and we pay for that dearly - they are happy to let you go on and on and charge you by the minute. Solicitors don't really do much apart from write letters which don't achieve anything. Results are achieve at court hearings. That is what you want to focus on now.

Personally, I also don't like the route of using both a solicitor and a barrister. Because then you don't deal directly with the barrister and solicitors make mistakes. Additionally they talk to each other rather than you and things get lost in the ether.

 

[Ash]

Having said all that, it sounds like, at the moment, the solicitor is trying to get agreement for supported time in the community (with a known person) as opposed to supervised time in a contact centre. If the other side are being difficult about it, I think it can be good to accept supervised time in a contact centre, because then you will get contact centre reports you can use as evidence, and those can be very helpful.

So you could propose a contact centre for 2 hours a week supervised time. (Find one before you propose it). Once you have that, you could de-instruct the solicitor. You can just email them and say that due to costs, you unfortunately need to de-instruct her, but you hope you would be able to use her services again, as and when funds permit.

That leaves the door open in case you want her to help later, say with writing a witness statement for a final hearing, or doing the bundle. Although that isn't always necessary.

You can use us for support along the way instead.

 

[TwinDad]

First of all @Ash, I so appreciate, a complete stranger, taking so much time out of your day to help another complete stranger. I am feeling blessed.

As per your suggestions,

1. I am seriously considering sacking off the instructed solicitor. I will continue reading useful posts here and gleaning advice from helpful strangers like yourself to build up the confidence to move forward solo - although I will never go to a hearing without a barrister and I am thinking if needed I could get adhoc help from solicitors to potentially build court packs and fill out my Form E with me.
2. That's a hard one - it is such a slap in the face of justice, totally unfair and not child focussed. I understand they are just ex Asda staff desk jockeys with a vendetta against fathers but still, it was emotional anticipating the letter and reading it and digesting it turned me into a blubbering mess. It also makes it hard to trust the S7 they are going to do.
3. The problem here is that the hearing is set for a Triage hearing next Tuesday, I cannot attend. it will be a judge/magistrates and cafcass, that is all! I assume the next hearing after that - unless they decide a fact find is immediately ordered in parralel to the S7- would be the hearing following the S7; that seems too far away to go without a say in court, possibly 6 months at contact centres?
4. The allegations are ok, truth overrides her fantasies; its when you see them in a letter, coparent app message or email that they dig in - then you begin questioning yourself all over again and then this subsides. Im sure this is similar for most of us

The Cafcass safeguarding letter is almost always an unpleasant read. Bear in mind that for the bulk of it, Cafcass are just "reporting" what each parent has said". They are not saying it is true, even if it sounds like they are saying it happened. They are just reporting what the mother has said.

I had the usual issues with the letter, however, I took issue with them omitting context from my interview. There was also mention of undertakings at the beginning, but the rest of the letter was referencing there non molestation order, as if it was still in place and being considered. As well, my statements were written in a fictional sense, for instance, "mr xxx thinks that.......Mr xxx believes that" whereas STBX statements read "Mr xx is dominating......./Mr xxx is aggressive " etc. I will add, Zero findings have been made against me

1) What are the recommendations at the end of the Cafcass safeguarding letter?
2) Do you have a date for a first hearing?

Here is the last section verbatim:
Due to the nature of concerns reported by Ms xxx and the uncertainties around the risks to the children, I could not support any unsupervised time between the children and Mr xxx. Any arrangements for him to continue seeing the children should be supervised professionally through a contact centre. The contact centre notes can also inform part of the Section 7 report.

The Triage is on Tuesday 11th and I or Ex cannot attend. Which I think is Effed.

When we are struggling, there is a tendency to treat a solicitor more as a counsellor than a solicitor,

Oh my dear I am so guilty of this

Having said all that, it sounds like, at the moment, the solicitor is trying to get agreement for supported time in the community (with a known person) as opposed to supervised time in a contact centre. If the other side are being difficult about it, I think it can be good to accept supervised time in a contact centre, because then you will get contact centre reports you can use as evidence, and those can be very helpful.

So this is my next ordeal in my journey and one I naively thought I would avoid. My solicitor has corresponded with Ex's Top 100 UK firm Legal aid solicitor agreeing to one of the centres proposed. I hate it, everything about it, I want to throw up agreeing to it...... I could go on but I think you get the idea. It fills me with a little hope you saying that I can use this to my advantage, I.e. the reports they will make on me (still such a disgusting degrading thought and prospect). Can you direct me to any threads on here for help and support in going through the contact centre S*iT? Knowledge makes me feel easier with every step I take.


Thank you again for your time and insight.

Yesterday was dark, finding this network has lifted me

 

[Oneofmany]

Keep going brother. I know the sick feeling when you see the torrent of shit bring written down and having no real way of answering back without it causing you more court dates. I know your gutted about the contact centre, that is shit. But the main thing is, just keep showing up for your boys whatever it takes, jump through the hops....

 

[TwinDad]

A quick question if anyone of you has the answer.

I have sent a letter to court to contest parts of the CC letter; such as inaccuracies and mischaracterisations. Do I have grounds to request an ISW complete the S7? If so, how do I do it and when?

Reason is, I have read on posts on here that they are just better and less bias, as well as supported instead of supervised.

Thanks ahead of time

 

[mainstay92]

First of all @Ash, I so appreciate, a complete stranger, taking so much time out of your day to help another complete stranger. I am feeling blessed.

As per your suggestions,

1. I am seriously considering sacking off the instructed solicitor. I will continue reading useful posts here and gleaning advice from helpful strangers like yourself to build up the confidence to move forward solo - although I will never go to a hearing without a barrister and I am thinking if needed I could get adhoc help from solicitors to potentially build court packs and fill out my Form E with me.
2. That's a hard one - it is such a slap in the face of justice, totally unfair and not child focussed. I understand they are just ex Asda staff desk jockeys with a vendetta against fathers but still, it was emotional anticipating the letter and reading it and digesting it turned me into a blubbering mess. It also makes it hard to trust the S7 they are going to do.
3. The problem here is that the hearing is set for a Triage hearing next Tuesday, I cannot attend. it will be a judge/magistrates and cafcass, that is all! I assume the next hearing after that - unless they decide a fact find is immediately ordered in parralel to the S7- would be the hearing following the S7; that seems too far away to go without a say in court, possibly 6 months at contact centres?
4. The allegations are ok, truth overrides her fantasies; its when you see them in a letter, coparent app message or email that they dig in - then you begin questioning yourself all over again and then this subsides. Im sure this is similar for most of us

I had the usual issues with the letter, however, I took issue with them omitting context from my interview. There was also mention of undertakings at the beginning, but the rest of the letter was referencing there non molestation order, as if it was still in place and being considered. As well, my statements were written in a fictional sense, for instance, "mr xxx thinks that.......Mr xxx believes that" whereas STBX statements read "Mr xx is dominating......./Mr xxx is aggressive " etc. I will add, Zero findings have been made against me


Here is the last section verbatim:
Due to the nature of concerns reported by Ms xxx and the uncertainties around the risks to the children, I could not support any unsupervised time between the children and Mr xxx. Any arrangements for him to continue seeing the children should be supervised professionally through a contact centre. The contact centre notes can also inform part of the Section 7 report.

The Triage is on Tuesday 11th and I or Ex cannot attend. Which I think is Effed.



Oh my dear I am so guilty of this



So this is my next ordeal in my journey and one I naively thought I would avoid. My solicitor has corresponded with Ex's Top 100 UK firm Legal aid solicitor agreeing to one of the centres proposed. I hate it, everything about it, I want to throw up agreeing to it...... I could go on but I think you get the idea. It fills me with a little hope you saying that I can use this to my advantage, I.e. the reports they will make on me (still such a disgusting degrading thought and prospect). Can you direct me to any threads on here for help and support in going through the contact centre S*iT? Knowledge makes me feel easier with every step I take.


Thank you again for your time and insight.

Yesterday was dark, finding this network has lifted me

I know you shouldn't have to go to a contact centre to see your own kids.. but try look at it as they will see how good you are with your kids and this is more evidence of your good relationship with the kids for the court.
Keep your head high, don't let the allegations on paper get to you.. they aren't true and you are not the person she is saying you are. It's only showing the type of person she is

 

[Ash]

I agree it is a really tough one to accept seeing your kids in a contact centre. But - the reports will really help your case.

The triage hearing sounds like a gatekeeping hearing - this is fairly standard - just Cafcass and a Judge. They are likely then to issue an FHDRA hearing. So again it is jumping through hoops and being patient.

I suspect Cafcass don't believe everything your ex is saying due to the comment about contact centre reports being used.

An ISW for a section 7 would be a good option but you'd need legal advice about that. It would be standard for Cafcass to do it. I think some Dads have had an ISW supporting time with the kids rather than a contact centre too - which costs. But the ISW can also write a report.

Personally I don't think the court would agree to an ISW doing the section 7 - at this stage of the process. But an ISW for supervised time might be an option.

Don't worry too much about the S7 report. They are often Mother biased but they are also often flawed and that is how you get them undermined at a final hearing. Showing it is flawed, Eg if they didn't observe the kids with you and only with the Mother. If a barrister cross examines the Cafcass officer at final hearing and undermines the report then the report won't dictate the final decisions. Also there is still a chance the S7 may be favourable to you.

What did you actually apply for on your C100?

 

[TwinDad]

I agree it is a really tough one to accept seeing your kids in a contact centre. But - the reports will really help your case.

The injustice of the entire situation, is a pill im still struggling to swallow

I suspect Cafcass don't believe everything your ex is saying due to the comment about contact centre reports being used.

Interesting, can you explain why?

What did you actually apply for on your C100?

I applied for a Lives with order with Emotional & psychological abuse ticked and an attached C1A with statements. Possibly to my detriment

 

[Ash]

It's just Cafcass will probably know the contact centre reports will be helpful for you.

I've probably already mentioned that you don't really have a chance of getting a sole lives with order. The court may see that as you trying to take the child away from the Mother or undermine her. So from now on it would be good to say one of our mantras

"I just want the children to have happy loving relationships with both parents and both families". At negotiations you can ask the lawyer to try and thrash out an agreement for 50/50. You won't get more than that.