I have my kids 90% at the moment however?

[Ivan1985]

Hi everyone,

I'm seeking some advice regarding my situation. My partner, who I've been with for over 18 years, left in June. I own my house, and the mortgage is in my name because she couldn't be approved due to her past illnesses and lack of employment.

Since the separation, I've had the children 90% of the time, handling school drop-offs and pick-ups while working full-time. My ex has had minimal involvement, only taking the kids for a few hours on Saturdays. Our youngest has stayed with her a couple of times.

After taking the kids on holiday, my ex seemed more amicable, and I suggested we remain friends for the sake of our daughters. My ex has been through a lot, including a cancer diagnosis five years ago, and I've supported her throughout. When she received good news about her health, I was happy for her to focus on her own life, especially if she wasn't happy with me.

Recently, I asked if she could pick the girls up from school, but she only agreed to do it on certain days, which was frustrating given that she doesn't work. To add to this, I discovered she's still claiming tax credits for the kids, which she has been doing for years, even though I'm financially stable and haven’t claimed.

She’s moving into a new house soon, and I’m concerned she might try to take the kids away from me, possibly seeking child maintenance and restricting my access. She now only communicates via email, which I'm refusing, as she rarely responds. Her family has also mentioned that reasoning with her is difficult.

Given that she’s on PIP and claims to need care, should I take any steps to protect my access to the children and prevent potential issues?

 

[Ash]

You'd be expected to try mediation first. I suspect if she does have health issues, she'd be happy not to have the kids all the time. In fact if she's worried about dying, is it possible she thinks they'd be better with you most of the time and seeing less of her? So it's not such a massive change for them if anything happened to her?

I think the only way to deal with things like the child tax credits and the child benefit is if there was an order that said the children lived with you. However, child tax credits are means tested, so while she might be still claiming them, I doubt you'd be eligible for them if you're working. Maybe just turn a blind eye to that. Child benefit (about £26 a week) can only be paid to one parent and is probably being paid to your ex.

Sometimes it's best to look at the positives. At least you're not paying child maintenance - a chunk of your income, and having the main care of your kids.

However, I can see your concern that she could just turn round and change her mind. It is actually possible to have a Child Arrangements order by consent, without going to court. If you can reach an agreement. You'd each need a solicitor for a one off job. Yours would draw up the order wording, hers would be to approve it and then it would sent to court for sealing.

What you could do, in the meantime, is write a formal email to her, attaching a parenting plan and saying you're seeking her agreement to put the attached parenting plan into a consent order, to formalise the childrens arrangements and please can she let you know any suggestions or thoughts she has on the matter.

Keep it formal, polite and courteous as if writing to a business colleague. No personal stuff, or chit chat or she could just shut you down.

This will also be evidence of what you've tried to negotiate if it does end up going to court at some point.

There is a parenting plan template on the home page that's quite good. You can edit it to say what you want - add headings or remove them etc.

While there is a section for finances (ie who pays for what for the kids), you could keep that very simple or even leave it out for now.

I wouldn't mention finances at all. Just child arrangements. Because if the bulk of the time is with you then technically she should be paying you child maintenance but I would advise not going there as it could make matters very messy if she can't afford it etc.

And yes that could be a reason why she might want to take the children. So having a bit about finances in a parenting plan could stop her panicking that she'd be liable for CM by saying something like each parent to provide for the children while in their care. And leave it at that.

I also think if the parenting plan says the children live with you and spend time with Mother it could make her panic and it would be better if it was left as lives with both parents.

So for example it could say "Our children to live with both their parents as follows:

With Mum, Thursdays, Saturdays and certain times during school holidays as agreed. The rest of the time they live with Dad."

That kind of thing.

If you can at least agree a parenting plan it's a good start and will help you if it does end up going to court.

Article 'Parenting Plans and Template'

Hopefully you and your ex will be amicable enough to try and make good arrangements for the children between you but it still helps to have a parenting agreeement or plan written down, to avoid arguments about various issues. It's surprising how many things you dont think of agreeing until you...

• Ash
• Jul 24, 2021
• 2 min read
• Reaction score: 2
• Comments: 1
• Category: Dads with Kids Home Page

 

[Ivan1985]

You'd be expected to try mediation first. I suspect if she does have health issues, she'd be happy not to have the kids all the time. In fact if she's worried about dying, is it possible she thinks they'd be better with you most of the time and seeing less of her? So it's not such a massive change for them if anything happened to her?

I think the only way to deal with things like the child tax credits and the child benefit is if there was an order that said the children lived with you. However, child tax credits are means tested, so while she might be still claiming them, I doubt you'd be eligible for them if you're working. Maybe just turn a blind eye to that. Child benefit (about £26 a week) can only be paid to one parent and is probably being paid to your ex.

Sometimes it's best to look at the positives. At least you're not paying child maintenance - a chunk of your income, and having the main care of your kids.

However, I can see your concern that she could just turn round and change her mind. It is actually possible to have a Child Arrangements order by consent, without going to court. If you can reach an agreement. You'd each need a solicitor for a one off job. Yours would draw up the order wording, hers would be to approve it and then it would sent to court for sealing.

What you could do, in the meantime, is write a formal email to her, attaching a parenting plan and saying you're seeking her agreement to put the attached parenting plan into a consent order, to formalise the childrens arrangements and please can she let you know any suggestions or thoughts she has on the matter.

Keep it formal, polite and courteous as if writing to a business colleague. No personal stuff, or chit chat or she could just shut you down.

This will also be evidence of what you've tried to negotiate if it does end up going to court at some point.

There is a parenting plan template on the home page that's quite good. You can edit it to say what you want - add headings or remove them etc.

While there is a section for finances (ie who pays for what for the kids), you could keep that very simple or even leave it out for now.

I wouldn't mention finances at all. Just child arrangements. Because if the bulk of the time is with you then technically she should be paying you child maintenance but I would advise not going there as it could make matters very messy if she can't afford it etc.

And yes that could be a reason why she might want to take the children. So having a bit about finances in a parenting plan could stop her panicking that she'd be liable for CM by saying something like each parent to provide for the children while in their care. And leave it at that.

I also think if the parenting plan says the children live with you and spend time with Mother it could make her panic and it would be better if it was left as lives with both parents.

So for example it could say "Our children to live with both their parents as follows:

With Mum, Thursdays, Saturdays and certain times during school holidays as agreed. The rest of the time they live with Dad."

That kind of thing.

If you can at least agree a parenting plan it's a good start and will help you if it does end up going to court.

Article 'Parenting Plans and Template'

Hopefully you and your ex will be amicable enough to try and make good arrangements for the children between you but it still helps to have a parenting agreeement or plan written down, to avoid arguments about various issues. It's surprising how many things you dont think of agreeing until you...

• Ash
• Jul 24, 2021
• 2 min read
• Reaction score: 2
• Comments: 1
• Category: Dads with Kids Home Page

Thanks I’ll take that on board, yes I’m not looking to take any payment or make her financially worse off.

but from my emails I have had it seems someone else is writing them and putting things in that are untrue like she has been picking the girls from school.

I will try a formal email and hopefully get a response that works well for us both