How to respond to allegations

[AJH11]

First hearing in a couple of months. Son (13) has been invited to the hearing (as they do not want to live with other parent). I have been trying to communicate his feelings and wishes to other parent for months now, and all I receive back are allegations of control and alienation from her solicitor and accused of I “shouldn’t be discussing proceedings and coercing”. It has absolutely nothing to do with proceedings, our boy tells me constantly he wants to live with me and not them, and I’m trying to communicate this across!

How do you respond to this?

 

[Resolute]

Firstly, I would get used to being accused of something by your ex's solicitor. They trade in accusations, nothing you do is going to make them stop making nasty allegations.

If you are not speaking negatively of your ex to the child and are not discussing strategy for getting your ex out of the picture. That will either be evident in the hearing or come out when Cafcass have time with the child.

I have found pointedly avoiding any negativity about my ex works wonders with my child. Children can find the negatives on their own steam.

As your son has been invited to the hearing, it is nonsense to suggest he cannot be spoken to about proceedings. Cafcass have a Young People's Board:

Family Justice Young People’s Board

The Family Justice Young People’s Board (FJYPB) is a group of children and young people with direct experience of the family justice system. Its aim is to help make things better for children in the family courts. Find out more about the FJYPB and its helpful resources

www.cafcass.gov.uk

I suggest sharing this link with your son. It is a perfect source to give him some insight. The Board is made up of people as young as 8. This may sound weird, but I would consider inviting your ex to join you and your son for some child inclusive mediation and/or some sessions with a family therapist. Tell her that you would like to be on the same page about what is coming up so your son feels supported by both parents. Not that I believe for a second she will accept the invite. You would have tried though.

At 13 your son's wishes are likely to be close to determinative. Only pronounced welfare concerns should override his clearly stated wishes and feelings. This explains the solicitor's approach. Your ex may succeed in getting under his skin and turn him against you. Especially if he is living with her throughout proceedings. I would hope that a child of 13 would still want time with the other parent. Complete rejection of your ex, in the absence of some kind of abuse, might be a red flag.

This is dodgy ground and am not recommending it, but your son could choose not to be with your ex so much. An average 13 year old is very likely to be deemed 'gillick competent'. If there are allegations against you and your ex has a live with order. Court proceedings may be lengthy. That could be an ordeal for your son and, by association, you.

Just some thoughts. See what others have to say.

 

[AJH11]

Firstly, I would get used to being accused of something by your ex's solicitor. They trade in accusations, nothing you do is going to make them stop making nasty allegations.

If you are not speaking negatively of your ex to the child and are not discussing strategy for getting your ex out of the picture. That will either be evident in the hearing or come out when Cafcass have time with the child.

I have found pointedly avoiding any negativity about my ex works wonders with my child. Children can find the negatives on their own steam.

As your son has been invited to the hearing, it is nonsense to suggest he cannot be spoken to about proceedings. Cafcass have a Young People's Board:

Family Justice Young People’s Board

The Family Justice Young People’s Board (FJYPB) is a group of children and young people with direct experience of the family justice system. Its aim is to help make things better for children in the family courts. Find out more about the FJYPB and its helpful resources

www.cafcass.gov.uk

I suggest sharing this link with your son. It is a perfect source to give him some insight. The Board is made up of people as young as 8. This may sound weird, but I would consider inviting your ex to join you and your son for some child inclusive mediation and/or some sessions with a family therapist. Tell her that you would like to be on the same page about what is coming up so your son feels supported by both parents. Not that I believe for a second she will accept the invite. You would have tried though.

At 13 your son's wishes are likely to be close to determinative. Only pronounced welfare concerns should override his clearly stated wishes and feelings. This explains the solicitor's approach. Your ex may succeed in getting under his skin and turn him against you. Especially if he is living with her throughout proceedings. I would hope that a child of 13 would still want time with the other parent. Complete rejection of your ex, in the absence of some kind of abuse, might be a red flag.

This is dodgy ground and am not recommending it, but your son could choose not to be with your ex so much. An average 13 year old is very likely to be deemed 'gillick competent'. If there are allegations against you and your ex has a live with order. Court proceedings may be lengthy. That could be an ordeal for your son and, by association, you.

Just some thoughts. See what others have to say.

this is all brilliant, thanks so much. I will share this with my son. He is desperate to be listened to. It’s made me feel more settled against their criticism of me. Ex refused both mediation and therapy.

We’ve been 50:50 for so many years, with an informal agreement. His change of heart has been a slow one, but increasingly because ex recently moved 1hr from school and unfortunately doesn’t get along with the new partner.

 

[Scotay]

I used to get wound up at allegations until i was told by my barrister to simply refute any allegation as its not on you to prove your innocence, its for them to prove them.

 

[AJH11]

I used to get wound up at allegations until i was told by my barrister to simply refute any allegation as it’s not on you to prove your innocence, it’s for them to prove them.

Difficult but am getting better at it