How to achieve 50/50 access

[Iain4444]

Hi there - i really hope someone can help me with gaining 50/50 access to my son who will be two years old in July.



Firstly, I appreciate that compared to many situations I am seemingly lucky in the amount of access I currently have with my son.



However, it doesn’t feel right or good enough for him and i have always maintained wanting 50/50 but this is proving impossible to achieve.



Prior to separating and when my son was 14 months old, my ex partner (never married) and I had implemented a co-parenting plan where we split time in the family home half of the week. The difference being that she would refuse to leave and/or ever allow me any independent time with my son.



Four months ago, my ex decided to vacate the family home with my son. Despite many discussions stating the need for mediation and an access plan this was only achieved the day after my son had left.



I was able to agree

• Tuesday morning pickup from my ex and drop off at nursery.
• Tuesday evening pickup from nursery and overnight with me, returning to my ex on a Wednesday morning.
• Every second weekend pickup from my ex Saturday 10am and return on Sunday at 3pm.

This agreement was reached in a very rushed manner as there was so much to discuss and we agreed to revisit in a couple of weeks as amongst other things i wanted to agree a schedule for increasing access over time.



However, my ex subsequently refused any further session stating that she wished to revisit in six months.



In the meantime she berates much of what i do constantly stating that she does not believe he is sleeping through the night with me despite my reassurances that he is. After every pickup she makes a clear point of stressing that she or her mother believe he is extremely tired.



I dont know how to approach this, i’ve spent so much money on solicitor advice and letters asking for further mediation but am realising this is pointless.



My son loves being in my care and is extremely well looked after but i’m concerned (from all the horror stories i read) that no court will give me a fair shake and will take my exes assessments as fact.



How do i get to 50/50 custody?



Where should i start?



What do i need to evidence?



I know everyone says to be patient and stay strong but i’m nervous i’m not being proactive enough.



Any help would be so appreciated!



Iain

 

[Dirge]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. Book a miam appointment with a mediator asap, get them to sign you off straight away and fire off a c100 application to court for a child access arrangements order. There is tonnes of help with filling out your own c100 form on here. Avoid wasting money on solicitors at this stage. The longer you delay, the longer an established routine of you not being in your son's life will be laid down. Unlikely you'll get 50/50 if your son is only 2, but you could aim for stepped time with him. The fact that you are on this forum now indicates you feel your ex is not going to be amicable about things. Fact is, you can expect the gloves to come off and quite possibly some despicable behaviour - I'm sure you'll be reading some of the threads on here. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

 

[Ash]

What Dirge says. When did you last have mediation? A sign off lasts for four months. As she's declined further mediation then yes just go for a MIAM and ask to be signed off. They may try to persuade you to let them invite the ex even if you say she doesn't want to attend mediation but stick to your guns (politely) and repeat that you want signing off. Because if they do invite her to mediation now she will guess you're thinking of applying to court and may cause difficulties. Better she only finds out when she gets the court papers (which will include your explanation for the application).

There are some online mediation services who will do a quick sign off I believe.

The important bit about the C100 (apart from filling it in correctly), is section 5b (of the paper form) where it asks where you're applying. There is sample wording for that in the resources section that can be adapated to your circumstances and I'd be happy to look over your application wording. It's something that I personally feel is very important for a number of reasons.

1) Cafcass reads the initial application and forms an opinion
2) You can't change what you ask for later on, so important to set out clearly what you're asking for in an order (well you can try to change it later but it's unlikely to be effective).
3) Your ex will read the application, so although it's addressed to the court you need to word it carefully so as not to create any hostility.
4) That application stands throughout the whole court case - as what the case is about.

So you would set out the circumstances (similar to that in the sample in resources). The sample gives an example of the type of tone to use as well. Give your reasons for applying, (child focused ones) and what you think your ex's view is and why you don't agree with that. And at the end you set out what you want the court to order. So in your case it would be something like

I therefore request the court makes a Child Arrangements order as follows:

For child name to live with both parents, on an equal shared care basis, with a progression of time over 6 months to a 2-2-5-5 schedule whereby child name spends half the time with each parent, and, once child name commences school aged 4, for this to also include half the school holidays with each parent.

A 2-2-5-5 schedule is the same two consecutive midweek nights with each parent, and every other week-end from Friday to Monday with each parent.

Eg Every Monday and Tuesday with you, every Wednesday and Thursday with ex, then Friday to Monday with each of you on alternate week-ends. The 5 nights in the 2-2-5-5 is the week-end tacked onto your two midweek nights that week.

I don't think two is too young to have a 50/50 schedule as long as there is progression to it.

Progression might look something like, from what you have now to increasing to include Friday night on your week-ends through to 5pm on Sunday, for say 3 months, then increasing to a second midweek night for 3 months so you have two midweek nights, then including the Sunday night at week-ends to the full 50/50. By the time the court case is completed your child is likely to be nearly two and a half (maybe a bit more) if you apply now, so would be three by the time of the full 50/50 schedule which is perfectly acceptable and also means they're in a good schedule before starting school age 4.

 

[Iain4444]

What Dirge says. When did you last have mediation? A sign off lasts for four months. As she's declined further mediation then yes just go for a MIAM and ask to be signed off. They may try to persuade you to let them invite the ex even if you say she doesn't want to attend mediation but stick to your guns (politely) and repeat that you want signing off. Because if they do invite her to mediation now she will guess you're thinking of applying to court and may cause difficulties. Better she only finds out when she gets the court papers (which will include your explanation for the application).

There are some online mediation services who will do a quick sign off I believe.

The important bit about the C100 (apart from filling it in correctly), is section 5b (of the paper form) where it asks where you're applying. There is sample wording for that in the resources section that can be adapated to your circumstances and I'd be happy to look over your application wording. It's something that I personally feel is very important for a number of reasons.

1) Cafcass reads the initial application and forms an opinion
2) You can't change what you ask for later on, so important to set out clearly what you're asking for in an order (well you can try to change it later but it's unlikely to be effective).
3) Your ex will read the application, so although it's addressed to the court you need to word it carefully so as not to create any hostility.
4) That application stands throughout the whole court case - as what the case is about.

So you would set out the circumstances (similar to that in the sample in resources). The sample gives an example of the type of tone to use as well. Give your reasons for applying, (child focused ones) and what you think your ex's view is and why you don't agree with that. And at the end you set out what you want the court to order. So in your case it would be something like

I therefore request the court makes a Child Arrangements order as follows:

For child name to live with both parents, on an equal shared care basis, with a progression of time over 6 months to a 2-2-5-5 schedule whereby child name spends half the time with each parent, and, once child name commences school aged 4, for this to also include half the school holidays with each parent.

A 2-2-5-5 schedule is the same two consecutive midweek nights with each parent, and every other week-end from Friday to Monday with each parent.

Eg Every Monday and Tuesday with you, every Wednesday and Thursday with ex, then Friday to Monday with each of you on alternate week-ends. The 5 nights in the 2-2-5-5 is the week-end tacked onto your two midweek nights that week.

I don't think two is too young to have a 50/50 schedule as long as there is progression to it.

Progression might look something like, from what you have now to increasing to include Friday night on your week-ends through to 5pm on Sunday, for say 3 months, then increasing to a second midweek night for 3 months so you have two midweek nights, then including the Sunday night at week-ends to the full 50/50. By the time the court case is completed your child is likely to be nearly two and a half (maybe a bit more) if you apply now, so would be three by the time of the full 50/50 schedule which is perfectly acceptable and also means they're in a good schedule before starting school age 4.

Hi Ash - thanks for this.

My last mediation was in February. We left the mediation session with the understanding that we would reconvene shortly to discuss linger term plan and when stepping up time could take place.

I asked for a second mediation session immediately after the first to progress the plan however this was then refused. I then waited three months before requesting again but this has simply been ignored.

My fear is that there is no reason not to increase my sons time with me but my ex is attempting to fabricate and weaponise sleep. There is a small variation to his bedtimes between me and my ex, he tends to fall asleep half an hour later with me and sometimes wakes half an hour earlier, however, he never gets less than 11hrs and always sleeps through the night. I’m always upfront about this, but my fear is my ex is trying exaggerate and use this to block any increase in time.

 

[Ash]

Well she obviously is using that as an excuse but I don't think it will wash. If your last mediation was February then it's less than four months so you have a couple of options:

1) You could contact that mediator and ask to be signed off. The downside might be that mediator might decide to inform your ex you've asked to be signed off.
2) You could have a new MIAM with a different mediator and be clear you want signing off on the day. The downside being you have to pay for another MIAM - but it means your ex doesn't get wind that you're thinking of applying to court. If she did suspect that, she might put an application in first and then you could be wrong-footed. So personally I'd go with option 2, get a C100 in stop worrying about what might happen and what she might say. There is opportunity for negotiation as part of the court process.

 

[Iain4444]

Well she obviously is using that as an excuse but I don't think it will wash. If your last mediation was February then it's less than four months so you have a couple of options:

1) You could contact that mediator and ask to be signed off. The downside might be that mediator might decide to inform your ex you've asked to be signed off.
2) You could have a new MIAM with a different mediator and be clear you want signing off on the day. The downside being you have to pay for another MIAM - but it means your ex doesn't get wind that you're thinking of applying to court. If she did suspect that, she might put an application in first and then you could be wrong-footed. So personally I'd go with option 2, get a C100 in stop worrying about what might happen and what she might say. There is opportunity for negotiation as part of the court process.

Thanks again Ash - sorry to ask but i just feel so new to this. What is the downside of my ex putting in an application first?

 

[Ash]

It means she is the applicant and you are the respondent. Her words get read first and that sets the tone for things. She is the one asking for things and you're more on the defensive. It wrong foots you. That's my opinion. Some of it is subtle. Solicitors will say it doesn't matter. I think it does.

 

[Resolute]

Hi Iain,

Are you based in England?

Just checking, a couple of bits made me think you might be in Scotland.

 

[MagicJ]

Hi Ash - thanks for this.

My last mediation was in February. We left the mediation session with the understanding that we would reconvene shortly to discuss linger term plan and when stepping up time could take place.

I asked for a second mediation session immediately after the first to progress the plan however this was then refused. I then waited three months before requesting again but this has simply been ignored.

My fear is that there is no reason not to increase my sons time with me but my ex is attempting to fabricate and weaponise sleep. There is a small variation to his bedtimes between me and my ex, he tends to fall asleep half an hour later with me and sometimes wakes half an hour earlier, however, he never gets less than 11hrs and always sleeps through the night. I’m always upfront about this, but my fear is my ex is trying exaggerate and use this to block any increase in time.

Hi @Iain4444 , I fought this battle.

My approach to sleep was that children of different ages need differing sleep & having had the same regimen for several years was too strict.
The STBX tried very hard to weaponize this during the FHDRA and in her statements..

I had ready guidance from various Children's organisations & Studies on Sleep that showed what is recommended for different ages.
I never needed it but it reassured me to be armed with facts

Ultimately as @Ash stated its hogwash, half an hour here & there makes less difference to a child's overall wellbeing than shutting a parent out.
Just evidence everything that you do, show that you have thought about impacts, you have researched it, you have monitored your child.

Your STBX is bitter & her emotions about you are clouding her judgement - for now you cannot get through that fog.
I'd follow all the advice above on how to move forward to securing your child's relationship with you in the medium term.

Hope that Helps - MJ

 

[MagicJ]

A few links for your to look at for peace of mind:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/babies-and-sleeping/?source=ppc-generic

Durham Infancy and Sleep Centre - Durham University

www.durham.ac.uk

Your child's sleep and naps timeline

Wondering if your baby is getting enough sleep? Or is she even sleeping too much? Our expert tells you all you need to know about how much sleep your child…

www.babycentre.co.uk

It all just says, be consistent but be prepared to adapt, these children are growing!

 

[Iain4444]

Hi Iain,

Are you based in England?

Just checking, a couple of bits made me think you might be in Scotland.

Hey Resolute - yes based in England.

 

[Iain4444]

A few links for your to look at for peace of mind:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/babies-and-sleeping/?source=ppc-generic

Durham Infancy and Sleep Centre - Durham University

www.durham.ac.uk

Your child's sleep and naps timeline

Wondering if your baby is getting enough sleep? Or is she even sleeping too much? Our expert tells you all you need to know about how much sleep your child…

www.babycentre.co.uk

It all just says, be consistent but be prepared to adapt, these children are growing!

Thanks Magic!

 

[Iain4444]

Hi all,

The latest instalment in my attempt to have 50/50 care of my son is a bit disappointing.

Based on the advice I received here, I've been keen to get a court process underway; however, my solicitor has advised me that due to new measures in place, there needs to be an apparent refusal of other avenues, such as mediation, before an application is now accepted.

My ex is playing a very careful game of not directly refusing mediation but also being cleverly evasive in not committing to anything, the latest correspondence offered arbitration as a possible route, but this has been cleverly swerved by her solicitor (she works for a law firm and I think has access to really good lawyer friends).

Has anyone else experienced this?

How do I get a court process going with these new regulations!?

Many thanks in advance,

Iain

 

[Ash]

Ignore the solicitor. You've tried mediation - you just need a MIAM sign off and to put your C100 in - you can do that yourself and it will be better worded in your own words than if a solicitor does it IMO. Dads are doing that day in day out. Unless you're in a particular region with some new pilot scheme. Unfortunately the vast majority of solicitors tend to be intrinsically biased towards Mothers being the main parent (IMO) so can be flakey at fighting your corner.

So you need

1) A MIAM sign off (mediation sign off)
2) A C100 application submitted - well worded - can help with that.
3) Save any money you have to pay a direct access barrister for hearings. That is where negotiations are achieved or orders are won/made.

Even after submitting an application, it could be many weeks before a hearing and in the meantime you'd be dealing with Cafcass - solicitors have no input with that.

What your ex is doing is par for the course - delaying mediation - cancelling appointments, not committing etc etc. She will know that mediation is a route to applying to court and if you're asking for it, may well put her own application for sole residency in first. So don't delay.

There is plenty of opportunity to reach a negotiated agreement as part of the court process - the courts prefer that if possible., The difference with that and mediation is that your ex is on the spot - if she agrees it becomes a consent order. Agreements at mediation aren't worth the paper they're written on.

You're in a strong position - you see your child regularly. I don't know if you'd get 50/50 or not but you'd get a decent order formalised at least and I would push for "lives with both parents" even if it ends up being less than 50/50. So she doesn't have the upper hand and you're both seen as the equal parent with care.

The MIAM sign off form is the completed version of page 9 of the C100 - you just swap the page.

How to complete the C100 Form

We thought a guide to completing the form could be useful. This is the C100 form for applying for a Child Arrangements Order, Specific Issues Order or Prohibited Steps Order. C100 form on .Gov website If you scroll down the page you will see...

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

Sample wording for C100 application

Attached are two versions of sample wording for section 5b of the C100 form. The sample wording assumes it's for a Child Arrangements Application. One version is more of a straightforward application. The other version is more for if...

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

 

[BigLes]

Sorry to reignite an old thread but I just wanted to ask opinions on bedtimes, I noticed that @Iain4444 and @MagicJ were discussing sleep. Squirrel scouts runs until 6pm (the other group in the area runs until 7pm!) and it’s for 4-6 year olds. I want to move handover time from 6pm to 6:30pm for all evening handovers.

I expect some argument to form along the lines of “it impacts his bedtime”. He goes to bed at 7:30pm at the earliest. He has his evening meal with me. What can I say in response to “no 6:30pm is too late”.

When he starts beavers in late 2026 that runs until 7:30pm! And that’s for 6-8 year olds. I can’t very well go back to court every 2 years and adjust handover times. What is the consensus on a) bedtimes for 4-5 year olds, and b) what is the latest reasonable handover time considering he has his evening meal with me?
Thanks

 

[Ash]

It sounds like it's only one night a week. So presumably Beavers etc think it's ok to have a slightly later night one night a week at that age!

I'm not clear what the issue is. Do you have your kids on the nights they go to scouts/beavers? Do you currently collect them from the Mother's?

 

[BigLes]

It sounds like it's only one night a week. So presumably Beavers etc think it's ok to have a slightly later night one night a week at that age!

I'm not clear what the issue is. Do you have your kids on the nights they go to scouts/beavers? Do you currently collect them from the Mother's?

Sorry Ash. I wasn’t being clear. The issue is that we have to leave before the end of scouts at 5:40pm in order to get to his mother’s at 6pm. I want to suggest 6:30pm handovers given that he doesn’t go to bed until fairly late (in comparison to other children his age). And there are a few evening handovers so I want to keep evening handover times consistent so 6:30pm handover on several nights per fortnight. This would allow for him to have his tea with his family (us) without being hurried back.

The other thing is, in a year and a half he will move up to beavers. They start and finish even later so a 6:30pm handover time wouldn’t work then, it would in theory need to get pushed back a bit more. I have absolutely no doubt that this would have to occur via more court malarkey (as ridiculous as it sounds, his mother will outright refuse even the most marginal and child-focussed changes to schedule, she will literally just ignore my message and then say in mediation “I’m not willing to discuss it”).

So I was really trying to gauge what the latest acceptable handover time might be for a 4 year old, and a 5-year old, and I guess a 6-year old, 7-year old etc. I’m trying to look ahead (with the optimistic assumption that handover times can be adjusted as time goes on).

Let’s say he has to be in bed by 7:30pm then if he is dropped off at 6:30pm then presumably that’s acceptable? To be clear, I’m talking about term-time weeknights: Me collecting from school, then having his tea, then going to scouts, then going to his mother’s house.

 

[Ash]

Ah I see, sorry. Technically the ex could say she should collect him from Scouts or Beavers at whatever time they finish, because it's on her care time, if your care time ends at 6pm.

 

[MagicJ]

Sorry Ash. I wasn’t being clear. The issue is that we have to leave before the end of scouts at 5:40pm in order to get to his mother’s at 6pm. I want to suggest 6:30pm handovers given that he doesn’t go to bed until fairly late (in comparison to other children his age). And there are a few evening handovers so I want to keep evening handover times consistent so 6:30pm handover on several nights per fortnight. This would allow for him to have his tea with his family (us) without being hurried back.

The other thing is, in a year and a half he will move up to beavers. They start and finish even later so a 6:30pm handover time wouldn’t work then, it would in theory need to get pushed back a bit more. I have absolutely no doubt that this would have to occur via more court malarkey (as ridiculous as it sounds, his mother will outright refuse even the most marginal and child-focussed changes to schedule, she will literally just ignore my message and then say in mediation “I’m not willing to discuss it”).

So I was really trying to gauge what the latest acceptable handover time might be for a 4 year old, and a 5-year old, and I guess a 6-year old, 7-year old etc. I’m trying to look ahead (with the optimistic assumption that handover times can be adjusted as time goes on).

Let’s say he has to be in bed by 7:30pm then if he is dropped off at 6:30pm then presumably that’s acceptable? To be clear, I’m talking about term-time weeknights: Me collecting from school, then having his tea, then going to scouts, then going to his mother’s house.

Great Ormond Street Hospital (GOSH): They provide detailed guidance on sleep hygiene and recommend that children aged 3 to 5 years get 10 to 13 hours of sleep, including naps, and children aged 6 to 12 years get 9 to 12 hours of sleep.

NHS Cambridgeshire and Peterborough Children's Health: They suggest that children aged 3 to 5 years need 10 to 13 hours of sleep, including naps, and those aged 6 to 12 years require 9 to 12 hours.


While specific bedtime recommendations can vary based on individual needs and family routines, establishing a consistent bedtime that allows for the recommended amount of sleep is beneficial. For example, if a 6-year-old needs to wake up at 7:00 AM and requires 10 hours of sleep, a suitable bedtime would be around 9:00 PM. Implementing a calming pre-bedtime routine can also promote better sleep quality.

So it's going to be dependent on the morning routine, wakeup times etc.