How did you move on?

[MountainGoat]

For a long time I wasted a lot of time trying to be there for my wife and to try and make things right for the childrens sake.
I think I was trying to do the right thing, cared a lot about my wife, and wanted us to be ok as a family.

As with many of you on here, you soon find out how messed up these stbx's can be and that as much as you try (and that you have done nothing wrong) they will not hesitate to throw you under the bus.

It takes time to move on and even after realising that you have zero feelings anymore for this person you once loved, it is hard to move on.
Not hard to move on because you still love them, that line is well and truly crossed and I can completly say that she means nothing to me.

I mean with all that is going on in the background.....finances, child arrangements, allegations these people throw at you. It gets you down.
It stops you moving on when you want to go out and meet new people, you want to start living your life again.

I am trying to focus on the future and get out there again. But it is difficult when you have negative thoughts and things being thrown at you from these awful ex's that just stop you from enjoying yourself. It plays with your anxiety and stops you.


Anyone else in a similar boat or been there?

 

[Roblox]

I think boundaries is a big thing.

I spent two years waiting for things to settle and gave up. Went to court to get things sorted.

I made the mistake of leaving the family home when asked and as a consequence have ended up settling for ledd time with the kids than I wanted. But ultimately it was the only way to actually move forward and put a lot of the negativity to one side.

 

[UkDad]

I'm in a similar situation and it's a continuous daily struggle with such a life changing event.

Coming to terms with what the ex has done to the family is the hardest part. Often I think back if I did this or that better then things may have turned out differently. However when a woman wants out of a relationship it's basically over no matter what you do. Even some of the most successful well-known guys on the planet have had their partners leaving them and go on a war path.

For me I know it's going to take years to really move on having been in the same relationship for so long, and I have no interest in dating or finding someone new. Some people can move on more quickly if they meet the right woman who is stable and reasonable (seems rare these days).

When in this process it's basically survival mode trying to get through each day. When alone and not doing anything that is when the thoughts of anxiety etc. are at their worst. Doing just small things can help such as daily walks amongst nature, exercise, reading, being around family and friends, anything to distract the thoughts for a while.

Highly recommend watching George Bruno's videos on YouTube, he is a divorced father and coach and explains a lot about divorce/breakup, moving on, and the modern female psyche: https://www.youtube.com/@ListenMySon

 

[Ash]

I think the biggest thing for moving on is getting to the end of the legal process and getting a good child arrangements order. Once you have that piece of paper in your hand, that legalises parenting arrangements, you are basically free to be your own person - other than the odd bit of detached communication about child arrangements - but if the order is well worded, very little communication will be needed.

The children are the "tie" to prevent you moving on with your own life. Once you have that child arrangements order you are free of having to let your ex call the tune, dictate everything and cause trouble and can start a new life with just you and your kids. That takes a bit of adjustment - when they're there some of the time and not at other times - but you get used to it. You are still a full time parent even if they're not there any more. I used to spend the time son was away, planning what we'd do next time he was here. And also just see it as a bit of a break for yourself.

This limbo interim time is hard and all you can do is detach, keep positive - have mental breaks from the process, and basically tread water until it's all over. But keep that goal in mind - that piece of paper in your hand - the Child Arrangements order, There may still be financial stuff to sort but the main thing is to be control of your own life and have an order for time with your own children.

 

[Ash]

And those times when the kids aren't with you, you can do new things and meet new people and build a life. And when you have that new life your kids can be part of it too and meet your new friends and go to events with you.