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Holiday on my time

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Ford209

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Hello everyone.
I’m just writing to see that what I will be doing in May doesn’t go against the court order in any way. Me and my now wife will be going on honeymoon abroad (family holiday later in the year). Obviously I won’t be present for my court ordered time with the children in this week but have arranged cover for this with my in laws.
My question is I am presuming this is adequate and will not leave me in breach of the order? Also do I need to tell my ex I’m going if I have covered the time and it doesn’t impact her at all? Just asking in anticipation of her trying to be awkward over it (as she is over everything!).

Thank you
 
I used to get this.
I would get told of a planned holiday and if it overlapped my access the tough, if i did the same where i would be away during an access i would get the breach threat.

Some others may correct me but i think you need to miss out a few before they take a breach seriously and seeing your giving plenty of notice she would look pretty stupid raising it.

Prepare for the access to your In-laws to be denied and to be mucked about for a few weeks on your return from honeymoon, sound like the bitterness runs deep in your ex...
 
Thank you for your reply

To clarify. We are going on honeymoon in May. It is our time to have the children while we’re away. To prevent her having to make alternate plans we are covering our own time by way of my in laws caring for them while we are away. My understanding is that on my time they can be with who I deem fit and so long as I make arrangements for them then I am not in breach is that correct? They will not have to be in exs care. What I am worried about is her kicking off that we haven’t told her and her not handing them to my in laws more than anything. We don’t really want to tell her about the holiday and May and I don’t think we should have to.
 
Ford209 said:
Thank you for your reply

To clarify. We are going on honeymoon in May. It is our time to have the children while we’re away. To prevent her having to make alternate plans we are covering our own time by way of my in laws caring for them while we are away. My understanding is that on my time they can be with who I deem fit and so long as I make arrangements for them then I am not in breach is that correct? They will not have to be in exs care. What I am worried about is her kicking off that we haven’t told her and her not handing them to my in laws more than anything. We don’t really want to tell her about the holiday and May and I don’t think we should have to.
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If i was to take a holiday or even be away for work i would give my ex plenty of notice and offer to have extra time with my daughter to make up at any time suitable to her, never got it though.
Don't know if your order would allow a substitute do access in your absence.

I think 5 months notice is enough and i no doubt think your ex would be desperate to screw with your plans for a honeymoon.
 
That’s exactly why we don’t want to tell her if we don’t have to and cover our days while we’re away. She leaves them with other people all the time so to me it’s no different. Possibly a question for the solicitor then. Still new to all this with the order only being granted in November so first year is setting the precedents isn’t it?
 
It's a bit of a no win situation. If you tell her she will cause trouble. If you don't tell her, she will find out and go ballistic and try and make trouble. Assume this is May half term week? Or is your holiday during term time? ie how much time should the kids be with you?

Technically you don't have to tell her. It would be expected that, out of courtesy, you would let her know if you would be away without the kids and give her options. Ie say you had arranged a holiday for them with in laws or alternatively you'd be happy to swap a week (ie so she keeps them that week and you get a different week instead). But that isn't essential.
 
Ash said:
It's a bit of a no win situation. If you tell her she will cause trouble. If you don't tell her, she will find out and go ballistic and try and make trouble. Assume this is May half term week? Or is your holiday during term time? ie how much time should the kids be with you?

Technically you don't have to tell her. It would be expected that, out of courtesy, you would let her know if you would be away without the kids and give her options. Ie say you had arranged a holiday for them with in laws or alternatively you'd be happy to swap a week (ie so she keeps them that week and you get a different week instead). But that isn't essential.
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Its term time on a week where the order states they should be with me Monday from school (will be here for that one), Wednesday from school (away) and Friday from school til Monday return to school (still away). It is court ordered as my week so am I right in thinking I am within my rights to ask whoever I like to look after them for those days as mum will be working and it is my court ordered time anyway?

Correct. She’s a full on narcissist so will look to cause trouble either way. The way I read it though is if I cover my time with them I am not in breach of the order
 
Ok so you'd miss the wednesday night and the following week-end. It's not like a whole half term week. The only concern would be, after the Wednesday evening, the ex will know (you can't expect the kids not to tell her) and she may withold them at the week-end.

I think if it was me I would be upfront, and get it out of the way in a polite message and just say something like

"Just to let you know, out of courtesy, that I need to be away for a week, x date to x date and have arranged for the children to be with relatives on Wednesday xth and the week-end of xth to xth. I will be having regular video and phone contact with them during these times and having our relationship time as usual, at a distance. Kind regards, your name."

Then see what you get back - she might make a fuss and you can then deal with it. If she says she's going to keep them then you politely inform her that would be a breach of the order without your consent and as a parent with parental responsibility, it is up to you who the children spend time with during your court ordered parenting time.

If she did then turn up at school and take them, you have good evidence of her attitude and behaviour if needed in future and it would be a clear breach as you haven't agreed. Another breach and you could then enforce or apply to vary.

The above type of message, whilst not absolutely essential, would be seen as good co parenting to avoid uncertainty and anxiety. And it may prevent the week being spoiled by drama.
 
Still haven’t made a decision on this as things have got extremely hostile resulting in her new partner getting physical with me and threatening me with third party ‘nasty people’. To clarify I’ve looked at the dates again and will be away the Friday from school til the Monday to school. My mother in law will be moving into our house to look after the children and I will be in daily contact.

So my logic on it is: they are not at a different address to where they would normally be, someone is there to make sure the order runs properly, therefore does she need to know as she’s not privy to my life any more? I know she will probably kick off when she knows I haven’t got them, but then she is essentially saying none of us can use a babysitter?
 
So you're veering towards just not telling her and going away and MIL staying in house with kids? The pitfall to doing that is, the kids will tell her they are with MIL in the house and you are away, and you can't expect them not to. I think I would just bite the bullet and let her know, "out of courtesy" that you will be away that week but that MIL will be staying at the house with the kids and you will have parenting time by video call with them.

She may well stop them coming that week. I don't think there's much you can do about that if she does. But if you don't inform her, she'll find out and the kids could get caught in the middle. And even hauled across the tiles if they don't tell her as soon as you let them know.

Some parenting agreements and orders have clauses saying what will happen if one of you can't look after the kids during your regular time, and some will say - the other parent will look after them. Assume you don't have such a clause, but even in the absence of one, it might not be considered a breach if your ex decided to keep them with her that week.

I guess you could politely give her options. eg

Just to let you know, out of courtesy, I will be away for a week from x date to x date. I had planned for MIL to stay at the house when the children come, and have parenting time with them via video call. Another option is if they stay with you that week and have make up time at alternative dates with me, after I return. Please let me know your thoughts.

Regards you

That kind of email covers you in future court situations where you can show you behaved reasonably and gave her options. If she's being hostile she'll probably just keep the kids that week and not give any make up time. As I say there's not much you can do then, but you have it under your belt for any future necessary application, to show she was unreasonable.
 
Very good advice. I’ve just had a hard time wording things in a polite manner but am trying hard to make communications more respectful with her. It’s very hard as she takes assertive communications as attacking and unreasonable.
 
Whatever you say and however you say it, she will react badly no doubt, but the important thing is it's good court evidence for you. to show you're reasonable even if she isn't.
 
I let her know 2 weeks out and surprisingly she is fine with it. Maybe there is a co parent in there after all. Father’s Day falls on her day this year but there is an event on we both want to take the kids to. Is there anything I can do if she puts the block on it or just have to suck it up.
 
Does your court order mention Fathers Day as a "special day" when the children should see you?
 
That's a shame - in that case all you can do is message and say - as it's Father's Day on x date, I would appreciate some time with the children, the night before until x am, if you have plans. In future maybe we could agree that the children spend Mothers day with you and Fathers Day with me and make our plans to allow for this.

If Fathers day was ordered as a "special day" the accepted time to be ordered is from 5pm the night before until 9am the morning after - which means they wake up with you on the day and are there till the end of the day. Some people agree alternative times - eg 10am to 6pm if it's not their regular week-end.

So at least if you could have them from 5pm the night before, they'd wake up with you on Father's day and maybe you could keep them till 10am or something? And say you will do the same on Mother's Day.
 
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