Heres my story - and looking for advice!

[Busydad1985]

Here’s my story as I prepare to leave my wife in 2025:

I met my wife 16 years ago. Back then, she lived in a small council caravan with her 7-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I took her daughter on as my own, and we moved into a council house together. Over the years, we built a life: we married in 2018, had two kids, and moved to a bigger home to give the kids more space. For a long time, life felt good.

In 2017, I had a chance to take my career to the next level with an intensive qualification. My wife supported me by taking on the household and childcare duties, and it paid off—I landed a six-figure salary and a great career. A few years later, she asked me to support her through a teaching degree. I agreed and took on most of the parenting and housework, just like she had for me. It was a fair deal.

But during the pandemic, cracks started to show. We argued constantly—about parenting, money, and more—and I was left feeling like I was always the problem. I even changed how I lived to try and be “better,” but nothing worked. I lost touch with friends and felt trapped. Eventually, I joined a band, made new friends, and felt alive again. At home, though, things didn’t improve. My wife started checking my phone, questioning where I was, and demanding constant updates when I traveled for work. It felt suffocating.

I eventualy sat down and told her exactly how I felt - and things improved for a short while, but before long we reverted back. Rinse and repeat until the current day, the pattern doesnt break or change.

In 2022, I used my life savings to buy us a family home. It felt like a big step, but things only got worse. We’ve had no intimacy for over two years, and communication is almost non-existent. She doesn’t contribute to the mortgage, though she’s on the title, and any attempt to discuss finances leads to arguments. I work hard to support us, but I’m walking on eggshells at home. As the stepdaughter has gotten older, my wife and her have become like best friends, neither of them showing me any respect and frequently ganging up on me in the house.

This year has been especially hard. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, and it’s been a constant battle to get him the help he needs. Meanwhile, my wife often disappears with her daughter, leaving me to care for the kids. I don’t mind—I love being with them—but if I go out, I’m criticized for not being home. She wont eat a meal with me, and date nights have become a place where she will sit and criticise me over the dinner table (there are MANY examples) - as such we dont go out together anymore. I no longer want to spend time with her either and the connection is gone.

We live separate lives under one roof, and I’m done pretending this is a marriage. The new "thing" is to constantly accuse me of cheating, or making snide remarks about me having another family somewhere else in the world - which is, of course, absolutely not true at all.

Ive asked for us to go to therapy, but she has refused. We are attending parenting courses as part of my son's additional needs (and to learn coping strategies) but there have been a number of occasions where she has not attended because she doesn't feel she needs them. The classes are focussed on how to support children with additional needs - and she is teaching in a special needs school so she feels she already has the knowledge (and to be fair to her, she is damn good at it and helps a lot with putting things in place to help our son).

My stepdaughter is 23, daughter is 9, and my son is about to turn 8. Middle daughter often gets to see the fighting and its not a particularly nice place for her anymore, and I worry for her mental health, as much as I worry for my son.

I’ve decided to divorce after Christmas, so I don’t ruin the holiday for the kids. I plan to use a collaborative divorce process to keep things amicable. I’m terrified about how this will affect the kids and how they’ll see me, but I can’t live like this anymore. Financially, I’ve built a solid foundation, but splitting assets and managing life post-divorce is a huge worry.

Its also my daughter's 10th Birthday in February so im conflicted about kicking this off before then and ruining her birthday - but then again I dont want to wait around and extend the pain any more than I have to.

Here’s where I could use advice:

• The house is tenants in common, with a 70/30 split in my favor. I’m not sure how this affects things when it comes to sorting out housing after the divorce.
• I can’t afford to cover rent for a second property while also paying the mortgage and supporting all the kids. How do people navigate this, especially in situations where the primary caregiver stays in the home with the children?
• I want to make sure the child arrangements are fair and in their best interest, but I’m unsure how to proceed, especially with my son’s additional needs. Does anyone have advice on how to approach care and custody arrangements in this scenario?
• Finally, has anyone been through a collaborative divorce? Was it successful? How was the experience, and do you have any tips on making it as smooth as possible?

Any guidance or shared experiences would mean a lot as I try to navigate this difficult time. Thank you.

 

[BrassTacks]

Sorry to hear you’re in this difficult place.

So much depends on how you both manage the separation.
It sounds like you are being sensible, and that there may be a good chance of an amicable outcome if you’re both unhappy and want to move on rather than resolve things.
Relationships are tricky esp. with the familiarity of time and the burden of additional challenges with children.

What I think is true is that it will all become harder separately for a while before it will he better.

Sounds like your ex had a lot to fight for and a lot to gain… which to me is a red flag to consider.

There are a lot of posts about “nesting parents” and many many stories of parents who succeasfullly separated with the kids needs in mind.
Wonder if that’s not the best place to look for advice… this portal in my view has a lot of bitter dads who have been totally taken advantage of by bitter and twisted mums who use the kids as a weapon to hurt the dads and extort money.
Advice may be skewed towards that which may be perceived by your future ex as antagonistic and result in a negative and aggressive legal response….. ONCE women get legal advice and get told what they could POTENTIALLY gain financially by having the kids… things in my view seem to turn nasty.

 

[BrassTacks]

So my thoughts are:
1. Keep thinking about the children first
2, try find an amicable solution that works for the kids and family and accept it will he tough and you’ll be quids out!
3. Know your legal rights and what to do if things don’t go well / your way (good legal advise is always a good idea, but choose your questions carefully)
4. Have the plan B in mind

16 years is a lot to give up on with young children who sound like they need you both.
I suspect your wife has also unified with her daughter because there is an emotional void between the two of you… lots of websites and counsellors avail to help address that if you are both willing…

 

[BrassTacks]

Hope that’s helpful start: you’ve shared a lot and there are many issues to deal with!

 

[Peanut 21]

this portal in my view has a lot of bitter dads who have been totally taken advantage of by bitter and twisted mums who use the kids as a weapon to hurt the dads and extort money.
Advice may be skewed towards that which may be perceived by your future ex as antagonistic and result in a negative and aggressive legal response…..

Of course you're entitled to your view but I want to stick up for the dads with bitter and twisted exes who aren't antagonists.
I've read many accounts now of very calm and reasonable dads who have used a huge amount of energy to rise above it.
@Busydad1985 you will get loads of great advice on here. Plenty of logical and practical tips.
One being, you should try and get a child arrangements order in place before leaving the family home.
This will be a marathon and not a sprint. It's almost inevitable that no matter how reasonable you will be, the ex won't be. Expect the worst from her and hope for the best.
It might be a good idea to get legal advice from a solicitors to find out all your options before pursuing this.
I'm the partner of a dad so can't help with divorce options or finances but there's many dad's on here who have been where you are. They will be a great support to you.
Good luck

 

[Busydad1985]

So my thoughts are:
1. Keep thinking about the children first
2, try find an amicable solution that works for the kids and family and accept it will he tough and you’ll be quids out!
3. Know your legal rights and what to do if things don’t go well / your way (good legal advise is always a good idea, but choose your questions carefully)
4. Have the plan B in mind

16 years is a lot to give up on with young children who sound like they need you both.
I suspect your wife has also unified with her daughter because there is an emotional void between the two of you… lots of websites and counsellors avail to help address that if you are both willing…

Oh I agree with most of the above, but the connection between us is long gone and I’ve offered the counselling route a number of times to no avail. I’m in therapy myself to help cope and process all of this but she isn’t interested.

I have a plan A and won’t screw her over, but I haven’t a clue what plan B would look like. I’m a mess right now emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

 

[Busydad1985]

Sorry to hear you’re in this difficult place.

So much depends on how you both manage the separation.
It sounds like you are being sensible, and that there may be a good chance of an amicable outcome if you’re both unhappy and want to move on rather than resolve things.
Relationships are tricky esp. with the familiarity of time and the burden of additional challenges with children.

What I think is true is that it will all become harder separately for a while before it will he better.

Sounds like your ex had a lot to fight for and a lot to gain… which to me is a red flag to consider.

There are a lot of posts about “nesting parents” and many many stories of parents who succeasfullly separated with the kids needs in mind.
Wonder if that’s not the best place to look for advice… this portal in my view has a lot of bitter dads who have been totally taken advantage of by bitter and twisted mums who use the kids as a weapon to hurt the dads and extort money.
Advice may be skewed towards that which may be perceived by your future ex as antagonistic and result in a negative and aggressive legal response….. ONCE women get legal advice and get told what they could POTENTIALLY gain financially by having the kids… things in my view seem to turn nasty.

Reading this helped - thank you. The more time goes on the more I think she knows it’s done, I had a few comments last night where she told me it’s ok if I’m not in this anymore and that she doesn’t want to waste her life.

I’m hoping for an amicable split, and in regards to the child arrangements order Id want 50:50 - I think the 2255 model would actually work well for both of us given our work commitments and the kids needs.

I don’t see much on here around the collaborative divorce process - a friend of mine used it to help sort out all the child and financial arrangements and he said it worked well for them - anyone else had success or any insights?

I have both a collaborative and “normal” solicitor llined up to help either way

 

[Peanut 21]

Reading this helped - thank you. The more time goes on the more I think she knows it’s done, I had a few comments last night where she told me it’s ok if I’m not in this anymore and that she doesn’t want to waste her life.

Could she potentially be pushing you to initiate the separation do you think?

 

[Busydad1985]

Could she potentially be pushing you to initiate the separation do you think?

I did think that - there have been a few comments to this effect recently, and I think she senses its over - but I dont feel I can come out with it and be open until after christmas. If I opened up last night about it, I feel it would ruin Christmas for the kids, which Im trying to avoid!

 

[Peanut 21]

I hope you find a solicitor who can help with an amicable divorce.
Being realistic, be cautious of how your wife may react when you tell her you want a divorce.
If she’s not been willing to try counselling to save your marriage, she may not be accommodating with mediation when sorting child arrangements and finances.

 

[BrassTacks]

Reading this helped - thank you. The more time goes on the more I think she knows it’s done, I had a few comments last night where she told me it’s ok if I’m not in this anymore and that she doesn’t want to waste her life.

I’m hoping for an amicable split, and in regards to the child arrangements order Id want 50:50 - I think the 2255 model would actually work well for both of us given our work commitments and the kids needs.

I don’t see much on here around the collaborative divorce process - a friend of mine used it to help sort out all the child and financial arrangements and he said it worked well for them - anyone else had success or any insights?

I have both a collaborative and “normal” solicitor llined up to help either way

Thanks sad to hear. Sounds like you’re at the start of a long journey.
You have so many different and difficult issues to address, and the kids sound like they’ll need you both.

My experience is that women make the emotional decision to end it well before men are even aware of it. The clue is with the u indication with her daughter and their alignment against you.
This is worrying if authorities get involved as they’ll pit potentially see the daughter as a credible “witness”. It may be useful to keep this relationship positive, and put effort into it to.

My experience was that it’s CRITICAL to get CAO before leaving (in fact I had to get an occupation order first before COA) - and despite 50:50 my ex stopped contact anyway without justification the day I left and made a C2 application to vary contact.

We’ve 5:2:2:5 which works very well for our 6 year old. Some older kids prefer week on week off.

I agree with what @Peanut 21 says… there’s a lot of useful help here! I just thought it would be useful to explore amicable ways forward before it gets lawyered up and acrimonious.

I’ve had the worst of the worst thrown at me from being arrested to allegations of abuse to the children, which all resulted in NFA, but required so much effort and energy and remaining calm and sensible and child focussed …. Anything I wanted to do (holidays, change dates, get my stuff from the family home) required an application
It was unexpected that things swung in my favour…. But it felt like it would never do so as my ex went against virtually every order and it never seemed to matter.

Like I’ve seen written here repeatedly, and tiny little thing you do wrong (or even boring human seems to count against you if you’re a dad!) risks being amplified and embellished …. And in a time poor court session the judges often just have to consider it may be true and err on the side of caution!

Try get as much as possible amicably agreed…. When you think you’re got the most you’ll get amicably - perhaps write to her saying something to the effect of… great that we’ve managed to amicably agree on the following to best support our children….

Then perhaps follow up again if she doesn’t (or does) respond negatively, and suggest you discuss / agree how to formalise this…..

That will tell you where she’s really at I suspect.

At this stage I’d have the court applications already to submit immediately.

In my case I believe making prompt applications when extreme events occurred like refusal to provide passports for holiday, or locking me and the children out the house and throwing my stuff out and refusing contact etc was helpful. It caught me by surprise (even though I expected it) when she stoped contact and make an application to vary the CAO (C2) the day I left.

Do spend the time and read the awful
experiences here - and forewarned will be forearmed, and help you prevent this.

But worth exploring the amicable divorce options… the more you talk about this with her the more sense it makes the more likely it will be to work as you won’t have time to think k about all the negative things …. It will be too busy planning on making it work… without going nuclear first, then rebuilding everything from the start.