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Lostdad

New member
Hi where and how do people get emotional support? I am seemingly on the path to separation and divorce and I am struggling emotionally in lots of ways on a daily basis. Thanks
 

Kyle

Well-known member
Family and friends if that's an option. Forums like this make you realise you are not alone which offers some comfort and we will be here to talk to you anytime. Your GP if you're concerned that your feelings are starting to descend beyond what are natural emotions and turning into medical conditions such as depression.

A couple of links below are two good sites with lots of helpful information. Like all major life disruptions where there are strong emotions involved the process towards healing is time. I was in a bad way at the start. But I have taken each day as it comes and tried to remember I deserve to get through this and be happy. You do to.

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-advice/help-separation-and-divorce

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advi...divorce-and-separation/thinking-about-divorce
 

Ash

Administrator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Hi Lostdad. How are things going? What's the situation at the moment. It can be overwhelming to be in this situation. Feel free to tell us what's what - many of us have been there, and there are different stages.

The other thing is - you can call the Samaritans any time. They are not just for people who feel suicidal - they are skilled at helping people in distress and helping them work through an immediate emotional crisis. This is sometimes better than say a regular session with a counsellor as it's more spontaneous. They are all volunteers - sometimes you'll get one who is perhaps not that great or easy to talk to. Other times you can get someone highly skilled who really does help. If you don't feel it's helpful, ring back and get someone else.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. It can really help.

The number is just 116 123

You can also email them [email protected]

But phoning is immediate and IMO better.

Sometimes it can also help to get practical and get some legal advice on the situation, to help you feel less lost and more confident about what to do.
 

Resolute

Well-known member
Just to add to Ash's great recommendation:

Family Lives: 0808 800 0202

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): 0800 585858

These types of lines kept me afloat and I was happier using them than my GP as records from GP went to court.

Let it all out, cry, scream, talk - whatever you need you have to take the time for it. Locking things in is a very risky business.

This stuff is not easy, I wish you well.
 

Lostdad

New member
Hi Lostdad. How are things going? What's the situation at the moment. It can be overwhelming to be in this situation. Feel free to tell us what's what - many of us have been there, and there are different stages.

The other thing is - you can call the Samaritans any time. They are not just for people who feel suicidal - they are skilled at helping people in distress and helping them work through an immediate emotional crisis. This is sometimes better than say a regular session with a counsellor as it's more spontaneous. They are all volunteers - sometimes you'll get one who is perhaps not that great or easy to talk to. Other times you can get someone highly skilled who really does help. If you don't feel it's helpful, ring back and get someone else.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. It can really help.

The number is just 116 123

You can also email them [email protected]

But phoning is immediate and IMO better.

Sometimes it can also help to get practical and get some legal advice on the situation, to help you feel less lost and more confident about what to do.
Thanks. Its tough and each day seems like a challenge. I spoke with Samaritans and yes it is helpful.
 

Ash

Administrator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Hi Lostdad - glad you're getting some help there. You can phone them any time. It's a lifeline. To answer the first question. Court is an adversarial process. Solicitors for the other side will use anything they can against you to try and undermine you. They may say - he has mental health issues so he can't be left alone with the kids. That kind of thing. So best to keep things private. From now on, keep everything under your hat. Yes you could see your GP and ask to be referred for counselling (or they may even decide you need anti depressants), but tell them that the way you're feeling is specifically related to the marriage breakdown and ask them to put that in the notes in case it's ever used against you in court that you were feeling depressed. I am sure they will oblige.

So this starts to answer the second question. It's mandatory to have a MIAM before applying to court (Mediation, Information and Assessment meeting) - which is the first mediation appointment you have on your own, before starting mediation. You can have a MIAM at any time, and if signed off from mediation after the MIAM (whether it proceeds to joint mediation or not), that certificate lasts for 3 months. So at any time after the MIAM you are free to apply to court. If it goes past the three months and you want to apply to court, you'd need to have another MIAM.

What is the current situation at home? Are you and your wife/partner still living in the same home with the kids? It's best to get arrangements for the kids sorted, before separation and divorce. Although understandably hard to think about that, if you're not wanting the marriage to end.

I am guessing that is the case? And it's a bit of a shock? Once you separate, it can be harder to get to see the kids, if the other parent dictates everything as the kids are still with her. And then the court process can be harder/take longer when you're at a low ebb.

If you're still living in the same place, don't move out unless you have something in place for child arrangements with you. There are ways of sorting that. You can live in separate areas of the same house. But be careful. Many Dads have found that when an ex wants them gone, they can make allegations to get them out of the house. Avoid getting into any arguments, let off steam on here or elsewhere and keep getting support. Keep records - diary notes, of anything that is said or agreed, or anything that happens, regarding separation and the children. I find the best way to do this is to send an email to yourself - ie to your own email address. That way it's an authentic diary note as date and time stamped. Then file it in a folder so it's not in your inbox. Call the folder whatever you want, but just so you know where they are and they're all in the same place. This could be helpful if you have problems in future, as evidence, either to protect you, or as to what was agreed.

But before doing those email diary notes - change your email password. When married we often share a lot of information. Sadly, once a marriage is breaking down, it takes thinking differently and while there may be some level of trust, keep some things private. Change all passwords relating to personal information, email address, banking passwords for anything solely in your name etc.

Let us know what the current situation is and then it's one step at a time. Do these protective things, and then think about whether marriage counselling or mediation is the next step. Mediation per se is not mandatory for both parents unfortunately, and it isn't free so a Mother will often not be inclined to go to mediation as it costs money and because they think they already have most of the power as regards the children.

If she won't go to mediation, and won't agree any reasonable child arrangements, if/when you separate then the only option then is to apply to court for a Child Arrangements order. This can be done while you're still living there, and be tailored to start from when you move out. But it protects you, in that anything that happens after you apply, can be seen as retaliation (if you get a negative response or are accused of anything).

It may seem unthinkable to be accused of something, but once it comes down to finances and children, and someone looking out for themselves, these things happen.

Anyway I won't say any more until we know what your current situation is. But hang in there. While you need to think about protecting yourself and your relationship with the kids, just in case, you may also be hoping matters can be resolved in the relationship. But belt and braces.
 
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Resolute

Well-known member
What would be wrong in court knowing about your struggles?
They are trying to prove I am not fit to care for my daughter and they twist anything into a big issue that takes up time we should be speaking about arrangements. As a LIP I wanted to give as little ammunition as possible. They made a meal of me being prescribed sleeping pills at the start.
 
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