HELP PLEASE I'M AT BREAKING POINT

[SamuelClarkeRockyBloom]

Hi Dads, I was hoping to get some advice. Me and my partner split up 2 years ago this September, we have a 5 year old daughter and 2 year old son. I currently have them every other weekend and on a Wednesday. It sounds a lot which i agree it is, however my kids want more and so do i. My daughter was with me this weekend, i went to her room to find her sitting in there crying, when i asked her what was wrong she replied she just wanted us all to be a family again, which as you can imagine broke my heart. I asked her if she has said anything to mummy which she replied she has before but mummy said we wouldn't all live together again which is fine. She then replied again to say she was scared to say it to mummy again! As you can imagine this broke my heart. I wanted to see if anyone can advise on how much court orders etc cost as my ex partner (not previously married FYI) is extremely difficult when it comes to conversation with the children. I spent £3000 on solicitors letters previously which ultimately ended in nothing but my ex changing the plans again after a few months, i didn't have the money to go through it all again so i had to suck it up and get on with it. MY ex was also using a solicitor who is her friends mum!!!! so as you can imagine is probably getting it for free or at a rate of next to nothing!!!!!!!

I now want my kids 50/50 the only catch to this is when we separated she moved my daughters school without my consent and my children now go to school roughly 30mins from my home, i am fine with the journey but i don't know how that would look in court. I know if i ask to move the children school in the middle she will say no as this is unsettling etc which yes i agree, however she moved them without my consent when we broke up and now i am in a sticky predicament.
If anyone can advise anything on the above i would be so grateful. It may not make to much sense as im writing this after a blow out with my ex which left me leaving her home while my daughter and son were crying at the window.

 

[Kyle]

Reading this hurt and it brings back the time I had to leave my former family home with all my clothes in a bin liner leaving my son stood at the door crying with his arms stretched out for me. Feels like swallowing nails!

Hindsight's a wonderful thing but I think most of us will agree the opportunity to put the animosity aside and attempt to have a real, meaningful, honest, adult conversation between us an our exes regarding what these events do to our children could be there. But powerful emotions are very hard to overcome to exercise common sense.

How would you word that request anyway and make that case in a message to her?

"Look I don't want to fight anymore but this is doing the kids real emotional harm, please can we put "us" to one side and try to work together, amicably, for their sake?"

I don't think your current arrangement sounds like a lot. If you want them 50/50, fight for 50/50.

I'm not a legal Eagle, (trying for my own battle) but I don't think solicitors letters seal any deals. Sounds like you had a mutual parenting plan between you that is not enforceable. A C100 Court Form to apply for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) is and currently costs £232 but you will need to prove that you have attempted mediation with your ex before you can apply unless you're exempt. I'm sure there are some in your area who could help. The first session (MIAM) is between just you and the mediator. It gives you a chance to articulate your situation to the mediator. The mediator will supply you with a mediation certificate that you will need to proceed with a C100 court application for a CAO. You never know. The mediation might yield some really good results for you and your ex.

A parent cannot unilaterally change their child's school without the consent of anyone else who holds Parental Responsibility. If you are on the birth certificates and have Parental Responsibility then she shouldn't of changed their school without your consultation and approval. And this will irk I know, but it looks like you already know that it could be distressing and unsettling for them to push for another change.

If I could go back in time and talk to the older, uninitiated me, I would tell myself to stop having "blow outs with my ex" as these achieve nothing but stress on everyone concerned and things quickly escalate making a mountain to big to climb once it's too late.

 

[Ash]

Hi there. It's tough. A court would expect to see you have bent over backwards to try and be amicable with the Mother over trying to agree arrangements ongoing. That's because they see a good parent as one who tries to get on with the other parent. Similar to as mentioned above. So you always need to look whiter than white and the reasonable one. Not sure what you meant by a blow out, but if your ex accused you of being "aggressive" on the doorstep it could look like conflict for the kids and she would blame you. And use that as an argument possibly.

I agree solicitors can run up loads of bills doing nothing. Because agreements don't count for anything. However, if you have it in writing that more time was agreed and then your ex changed her mind. that could be useful.

So from now on it needs to be tactics and strategy. However you feel about your ex, don't show it. The ideal is both parents getting on, even if at a distance with minimal communication, and agreeing arrangements. If you can't agree then the next step is expected to be mediation (you have to have attended one mediation session legally before applying to court).

How old are your kids?

So I'd suggest a step by step approach. The first thing is to write her a BIFF email (brief, informative, friendly, formal) as if writing to a business colleague. Keep anything personal or emotional out of it. It may not do any good but it's evidence you have tried to resolve things amicably (which you may need later if it goes to court).

If she won't agree to anything, then you start mediation and politely ask her if she will discuss matters with you at mediation. After your first mediation session, the mediator will then invite her to attend (although you can ask her first). For the purpose of drawing up a parenting agreement and agreeing a schedule ongoing.

That might work, it might not. If agreement can be reached at mediation then it is actually possible to have that agreement put into a consent order. Ie a child arrangements order without needing to go to court. You would both need a solicitor. Your solicitor would draw up the order and wording, her solicitor would need to approve it, then it just gets sent to court for sealing.

All of these are possibilities, but the big sticking point is a) the ex probably prefers having the kids more (selfish) and b) Child Maintenance. Assume you are paying CM and that is based on the number of nights the kids are with you. Most ex's are reluctant to give that up - as there would be no CM if it was 50/50.

However, as part of an agreement for a consent order you could also agree finances - for example you could agree to share the cost of everything (which would be normal with 50/50) so she may not be any worse off. Or you could agree to say pay for school shoes and school lunches plus half of everything else. That kind of thing. Which might be some leverage to her agreeing half the time.

The standard a court would order would be what you have now - every other week-end, a midweek overnight and half the school holidays.

Is your week-end from Friday through to Monday morning? The single overnights are tough as so little time. What I did was have alternate Mondays and Thursdays. That way your kids see both parents every 3 or 4 days. Whereas if it's every Wednesday night you go one week with a 6 day gap which is a long time. Strangely my ex agreed to the alternate Mondays and Thursdays which is why I have that.

But basically - don't get angry with her again, however you feel - try and keep things amicable (even if you don't feel like it).

Maybe send an initial email along the lines of:

"Dear Ex Name

I'm just writing to see if we can agree arrangements for the children ongoing. As you know I am not finding the current arrangement is working for me and I don't believe it works for them either. They need to see both of us for significant and regular time, to have satisfactory relationships and feel secure, ongoing. We both love them and they love both of us and I am sure it would make them happy to know that we have agreed matters amicably and thought about what works best for them.

Currently, there is too long a gap between them seeing me from one week to the next. It's a full six days in between a single night with me and a single night with such a long gap, is not enough time for any normality.

I am therefore suggesting the following, and hope you will consider this before replying.

That the children spend two midweek nights with each of us during term time. Every Wednesday and Thursday with me and every Monday and Tuesday with you. And they continue to have every other week-end with each of us from Friday after school through to Monday morning school drop off. That all collections and drop offs are to and from school - I am advised this is of huge benefit to children of separated parents as it allows for a "seamless transition" between homes without causing them anxiety of seeing both parents at the same time and reminding them their parents used to be together.

I realise that this will affect the amount of child support assessed, but suggest we agree a financial arrangement whereby we share the cost of everything 50/50 except school uniform, and I buy all the school shoes and pay for school lunches.

By having two consecutive nights with each of us, the children can have more normal parental relationships with both of us and enough time to relax when they are with me, and get used to having two separate homes.

Please let me know your thoughts on the above, and hopefully we can work something out in their best interests.

Regards, you".

She might just ignore it. She might just say "no" next time you see her (ie not reply in writing) but that's ok. You just print out your email, annotate it and write "Mrs Ex name declined to discuss this and said no". Your email shows you are not just trying to get out of CM by asking for 50.50.

If she agrees to it then you have evidence that a 50/50 arrangement was agreed - which helps if you ever need to go to court. Even if she doesn't agree in writing, you can write a follow up email at some stage confirming the agreed arrangements to have it on paper.

If she doesn't agree then you have evidence you have tried amicably to sort things. You then have a MIAM (first mediation appointment on your own) at which you tell the mediator the situation. she invites the ex. If mediation doesn't proceed or doesn't get anywhere, you ask the mediator to sign you off. You need the sign off to apply to court. You then apply for a 50/50 shared care order.

And no 30 minutes to school is not an issue. I believe the courts set a limit of 40 to 45 minutes (if she raised that as an issue).

 

[Ash]

With your daughter - parenting in these situations can be difficult. Never say anything negative about the ex. If either parent does that, it causes stress to the kids. Maybe just say - Mum and Dad have separate houses now and won't be living together any more, but both still love them, they have two homes now and can be happy in both and you will try and sort things out so they can have better time in both homes.

 

[Ash]

Just to add - when my son was three and four he was very vocal that he didn't like being away from either parent for more than 3 or 4 days. Which is why I had midweek nights as alternate Mondays and Thursdays. He also said he didn't just want one night, he wanted at least two nights each time. They know what they want. The difference is, my son had always had two homes - I had never lived with my ex. He was born after a brief dating relationship. So I can imagine how hard it is for a 2 and 5 year old.

6 days is too long to see a parent at that age. Will your ex agree to video calls in between?