Have I made a mistake?

[1-frustrated-1]

Divorced for 6 years with both a child maintenance and spousal maintenance order in place which I have consistently paid on time and in full. Our 3 kids spend ~110 days per year with me.

Youngest child is still in primary school in Y5. My ex stopped paying for her school lunches in January. She had been paying this since divorce. It’s about £2.50 per day.

She said that I need to pay from now on and said she would tell my daughter that if I don’t she would tell her that her dad won’t feed her in school. I refused. Started then to escalate with school as there was 3 months of outstanding payments and they were chasing us.

I paid the outstanding balance last week but then deducted this from the monthly spousal payment and explained why to my ex.

Ex is very litigious and will now commence legal proceedings to enforce payment.

Was I wrong and what should I do now?

 

[Ash]

I don't think you were wrong but it's a very tricky situation with a child in the middle. Do you have a Child Arrangements order or is it all just informal? If you pay child and spousal maintenance then technically she should pay all the school costs. Except maybe big school trips - and then some people go halves on those. It depends if you've got any formal agreements or not, otherwise, it's just what people agree.

I am wondering why she is making such a big thing about the £2.50 a day school lunches though. You don't see your child every day do you? So why should you pay for school lunches on days you don't see her? Especially when paying CM.

I don't see how she can start legal proceedings to enforce payment of school lunches!

 

[1-frustrated-1]

Thanks for your reply Ash

Her logic is that they spend 4 school night per month with me (as per court order). That equates to 20% of school days (or school lunches).

She has been paying school lunches since separation so now it my turn. She has calculated that since I have got away with it for the last number of years I should now pay the full school lunch cost until my daughter finishes year 6.

We do share the cost of school trips albeit in a haphazard way.

You are right that the lunch cost is small but she will start legal proceedings. I feel like I was goaded into this one.

 

[Ash]

I don't think she can start legal proceedings! Child maintenance is assessed by the CMS. The spousal will have been determined by the divorce. She is supposed to pay for care out of that, including all school costs - unless you agree otherwise.

You're in a difficult situation though as she's basically forcing you to pay them by not paying them and putting the child in the middle.

So if you daughter spends 4 school nights a month with you, is that in a court order or informal? If a court order says "from 3.30pm wednesday until school drop off thursday morning - then anything before 3.30pm is her responsibility! If it says from 9am wednesday until 9am thursday then wednesday's school lunch is technically your responsibility.

Mediation? I was going to suggest a biff email/message politely stating that child maintenance is intended to pay for all school costs, and is assessed on your income and the number of nights already. But - she might then decide to reduce your nights to get more CM. This happens a lot.

So you need to tread a bit carefully mentioning that.

Are there any court orders in place? She can't do any legal proceedings to get money out of you if you're paying the assessed CM and any spousal that was ordered. All she can do is keep manipulating and putting the child in the middle.

When does your daughter start secondary school - this September? Because that is a time when these ex's can start causing a lot of trouble - when the child turns 11 and changes school.

Do you have any court orders for Child Arrangements?

 

[1-frustrated-1]

I double checked the child arrangements order and you are correct it is explicit in saying after school on the Thursday during term time until Monday morning. So yes they only fall under my care every second Friday.

I’m not worried about her trying to make any amendments to the child arrangements order as the kids would be consulted and they would would not consent.

As mentioned I have always made CMS payments and spousal payments but this is the first time I have adjusted the spousal payment to pay for over due lunch fees.

My youngest started secondary school in September 2024 and spousal maintenance will officially cease at that time also.

 

[Ash]

Sounds like a compromise then You could politely email her and say something like:

"Under the terms of the Child Arrangements order, the children are in my care every other Friday, so I would be responsible for their school lunches on that particular day - which would be x amount a fortnight and will pay for that day in future."

However I've just remembered you said you reduced the spousal by the amount of back dated dinner money you paid. So if that amount was court ordered as part of the divorce, then yes you may actually be in breach of that order - if there's an order that covers spousal.

Maybe the thing to do now would be repay the amount you deducted from the spousal, write off the school debt you cleared, but email her as above saying from now on you will pay for the school lunch on your fortnightly court ordered day but she needs to provide the remainder and child maintenance is intended to cover all school costs.

 

[1-frustrated-1]

I don’t mind covering lunch days going forward but my ex has now attached a debt to me for the years of lunch contributions that she claims I missed. She won’t quantify the amount.

One side of my brain is tempted to let this play out in court if it goes that way and she claims that I am breach. I do contribute significantly each month (court order plus a bunch of monthly bills and sports lessons that I voluntarily pay) and it really irk’s me that she is looking for more on top.

No polite email will remedy this I’m afraid and she has already stated that I need to pay all lunches, uniforms and school trips until I catch up. Again, to an undisclosed amount.

 

[StayStrong]

I don’t mind covering lunch days going forward but my ex has now attached a debt to me for the years of lunch contributions that she claims I missed. She won’t quantify the amount.

One side of my brain is tempted to let this play out in court if it goes that way and she claims that I am breach. I do contribute significantly each month (court order plus a bunch of monthly bills and sports lessons that I voluntarily pay) and it really irk’s me that she is looking for more on top.

No polite email will remedy this I’m afraid and she has already stated that I need to pay all lunches, uniforms and school trips until I catch up. Again, to an undisclosed amount.

Hi.
The rule of proportionality is in play here.

Quite simply the costs of litigation are a sledgehammer to a nut. No one will entertain litigation in this matter.

I suggest your email to the ex states:
1. Your generous payment of the lunch debt she incurred is a gesture of goodwill and not a precedent.
2. Going forward, payment of the amount you are liable for each whole school term (=£x) will be transferred electronically and referrenced as such in advance of the forthcoming term. School admin does not need to become complicated and so the currently paying parent (her) continues with a single payment.

HTH, SS.

 

[Resolute]

Aren't school lunches free until the child ends year 2 at school?

There are only 4 years during which parents pay for lunch. Unless your daughter is finishing year 6 in July, mum's calculation is way off.

 

[1-frustrated-1]

Hi @Resolute. I have 3 kids so she has calculated that it’s circa 7 or 8 missed years of lunch contributions.

Over and back by messaging was not making progress so we had a call to try and resolve over the weekend. I proposed sharing the costs of trips and lunch going forward but I would not accept that I had a debt to pay for the years missed.

I think we can never come to an agreement here and she is very head strong. She will not pay any more school costs (uniform, trips, lunches) and will just ignore demands from the school.

I just want an easy life so might just pay to avoid the conflict even though it’s wrong in principal.

 

[Ash]

Always about money isn't it? The past is the past - she paid for them and it did her no harm. Why make a fuss now and not just accept sharing the cost ongoing? If you do end up paying, there are positives I've found - you get to be more involved in your kids lives in a way. I also pay all the dinner money (it's supposed to be shared but she won't pay her half) but it's me my son contacts if his dinner money is getting low and who appreciates me sorting it out.