HARDEST PART OF DIVORCE.....HOW DID YOU COPE WITH THIS?

[Nujra Rof]

Hi everyone,

I am going through a divorce where we have to share the marital home till it is all dealt with (could be a year more of this living under one roof - If you been through this than how on Earth did you survive this?!?!).

The one thing that gets me through each day is my two beautiful kids, from morning till bed time around 7pm I am distracted with them to an extent....after I usually scurry away to the spare room I'm sleeping in (and she watches TV, cooks a nice meal and relaxes - all funded by me of course, god forbid she has to pay for anything or adjust her lifestyle out of kindness for another person during this difficult time).

THE ONE THOUGHT that kills me inside every night as I put my head down on the pillow, not seeing my 4 year old son every day when this does finalise! My daughter is younger and still baby/toddler phase so will be less aware. But my son sees me every day and I am his absolute world, he looks for me every day, I drop him to school and pick him up, morning till night he wants me and everyone knows I'm his favourite, family, teachers, even her.
HOW DO YOU COPE WITH THE THOUGHT OF NOT SEEING YOUR KIDS EVERY DAY?
or when it actually happens, MISSING THEM! NOT HEARING THEM.....

Sometimes I think I should just withdraw the divorce application as she is clearly dragging this all out for as long as possible to continue to live for free...and the thought of not seeing my kids kills me, any advice welcome...

Thank you kindly

 

[Ash]

Hi. I think sometimes it's worse imagining it, than the reality - PROVIDING you have child arrangements formalised legally before you separate. The kids soon get used to moving between two homes and although it's hard when they're away, there are bonuses as you get more one to one time and it's different.

My concern would be that you're in a risky position in case you get thrown out when you haven't got child arrangements in place legally. You say she's delaying over the divorce - do you know why? Is it because she wants you to stay or is it because she's worried about the financial side of things?

If divorce can be avoided then yes it's better - have you had couples counselling and would she agree?

 

[Nujra Rof]

Thanks Ash - we have tried counselling and without going into too much details the counsellor (that she found/booked) said to her she “really needed one to one council due to her being an angry person” and it’s nothing to do with me or the kids, just her own self. She still wanted to reconcile and counsellor literally let a small laugh out and said “why??!” As she was just nasty to me the whole time and all her explanations of her nastiness throughout 5 years of marriage the counsellor was shocked by. Her first reaction answer to the question however was “well we have kids together so should make it work.” The counsellor said if it’s a toxic relationship it’s worse for kids and so is there any other reason you want to reconcile and she had to think for a good 30 seconds of silence before saying “well I guess 80% of the time it’s good, we are just angry right now” and I was like nothing to say like you love me, care for me or want to be with me. I suspect the reasons she wishes to reconcile:
1) cultural - her family do not believe in divorce and have said explicitly to stay together and be unhappy or it will bring shame to them in there community.
2) financial - she doesn’t pay for anything, so living for free and works part time leisurely without a care in the world financially. And of course after the divorce payout the house she gets will be smaller.
3) the kids - she does believe better to stay together for them

I’m not worried she would kick me out, as it’s my house, more so she will take the kids and go based on her threats. So yes trying to get CAO in place but hopeful she doesn’t leave before the first hearing court date as solicitor said that she will become “resident parent” and becomes more difficult for me.

At ages 4 and 3 I’m hopeful they can adapt and are resilient but I guess it’s just the thought of it - there whole lives turned upside down, two new houses, mummy and daddy not together with them and moving house to house, I just feel terrible inside for there poor little minds may think then…any one share there experience of how it was when the day came? And was it worth it still to divorce and have this set up or would they have rather stayed in a miserable relationship just for the kids?

Thank you

 

[Militant Widow]

Thanks Ash - we have tried counselling and without going into too much details the counsellor (that she found/booked) said to her she “really needed one to one council due to her being an angry person” and it’s nothing to do with me or the kids, just her own self. She still wanted to reconcile and counsellor literally let a small laugh out and said “why??!” As she was just nasty to me the whole time and all her explanations of her nastiness throughout 5 years of marriage the counsellor was shocked by. Her first reaction answer to the question however was “well we have kids together so should make it work.” The counsellor said if it’s a toxic relationship it’s worse for kids and so is there any other reason you want to reconcile and she had to think for a good 30 seconds of silence before saying “well I guess 80% of the time it’s good, we are just angry right now” and I was like nothing to say like you love me, care for me or want to be with me. I suspect the reasons she wishes to reconcile:
1) cultural - her family do not believe in divorce and have said explicitly to stay together and be unhappy or it will bring shame to them in there community.
2) financial - she doesn’t pay for anything, so living for free and works part time leisurely without a care in the world financially. And of course after the divorce payout the house she gets will be smaller.
3) the kids - she does believe better to stay together for them

I’m not worried she would kick me out, as it’s my house, more so she will take the kids and go based on her threats. So yes trying to get CAO in place but hopeful she doesn’t leave before the first hearing court date as solicitor said that she will become “resident parent” and becomes more difficult for me.

At ages 4 and 3 I’m hopeful they can adapt and are resilient but I guess it’s just the thought of it - there whole lives turned upside down, two new houses, mummy and daddy not together with them and moving house to house, I just feel terrible inside for there poor little minds may think then…any one share there experience of how it was when the day came? And was it worth it still to divorce and have this set up or would they have rather stayed in a miserable relationship just for the kids?

Thank you

The fact that it's your house is NOT in your favour, it's your greatest weakness and you will be expected to leave if the conflict turns nasty. You expecting her "payout" to be smaller is naive when there are two kids and a mother to house.

 

[Ash]

Hi - I edited your post @Militant Widow, so he wasn't identifiable.

It's true it is better if you can reconcile somehow. Divorce is no walk in the park, especially with kids involved. But the main thing is you want a CAO in place before separation if separation is on the cards.

Is your ex from a country outside the Uk? If so you might need to do a prohibited steps order if she has family in another country. I'm guessing she is from the Uk though from what you've said so far.

So if she doesn't want to divorce/doesn't believe in divorce, ask her what she thinks would help the marriage improve? And maybe try a different counsellor. You want a couples counsellor and you want to go in saying - we don't want to separate, we want help resolving our marriage difficulties.

more so she will take the kids and go based on her threats. So

So she is threatening to leave then? Is your CAO application already in? I'd be less worried about the kids adjusting to two homes and more worried about not getting to see them at all for a year or more - which could happen if she moves out and refuses to let you see them. The court process is slow. All she has to do is make allegations that you're controlling and it could drag out. And if you make allegations back about her, it could drag out even longer.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Hi Ash,

The ex is from this country.

I definitely want a CAO and she is going to her first one to one mediation session this month, with a view to do a joint two hour mediation session in Jan, hoping we can have some breakthroughs and get a draft order for CAO drawn up for the judge to rubber stamp on the court hearing end of Jan.

However, she is not keen on 50/50 and not sure why, I literally wake up with the kids every morning, get ready for work and take my kids, drop one off to nursery and one to school then go work. Subsequently I leave work every day at 3.20pm to pick them both up on my way home so am always with them and hands on, not just there, but helping feed them, get them ready, play with them, do bath time, bed time, etc. She could literally not be there and I would be fine so based on time I spend with the kids and what I do.

She could leave before the court date, but I am hopeful she doesn't, and trying to be amicable and polite, letting her live comfortably and most nights I go to the spare room that I sleep in and she has free run of the house once kids are asleep. Equally I do think she knows deep down she would struggle without me, not that it would be impossible but I do so much, also she must know kids love me and her both, they see us every day and she would genuinely harm them for no reason if she took them out of this environment.

These are the reasons I want to go 50/50 and believe I should be allowed to. She works 3 days a week and has said she doesn't want to go full time, I asked why as both kids will be 5 days a week from September 2025 so what will she do with her time, she just says she isn't sure. My solicitor said she is showing low income to get more, especially as she is pushing for minimum 60/40 in her favour. I said from day one of filing divorce my non negotiable is 50/50 with kids as didn't believe she would take less, but she has been harping on kids need a primary stable base where they spend majority of there time etc. So I said to her in our last conversation why can't that base with me? Even the days she works she couldn't pick up and drop off kids to school, so that is three days she would be working (and solicitor said courts will ask her why she can't work full time if it is 50/50 and I can work, so she may be avoiding this and creating a scenario where I pay her monthly and she is primary person for the kids, knowing full well I will do anything for them and run to have more time with them in a heartbeat).

Reconciliation is not a possibility for me, she doesn't really love me as not once has she said she has, or cares or wants to make it work. It is always for the kids lets stay together and fear and threats and aggressiveness. Honestly I am not against staying together for the kids but why can we not be divorced and stay together, have a CAO and clean break with house sale proceeds split agreed. Not like it has to be sold immediately but at least we all know terms and if it don't work can walk out, if it does we can vary the order and continue, but mentally I need a break and safety first as can't come this far to back down now.....

 

[Nujra Rof]

Makes me so sad - my daughter asks about us doing things as a family and has no idea what is going on in the background. I’m here pushing this divorce and hoping it’s done this year, but her little mind is probably super unsure as to what is going on and has no idea what is about to come eventually…feeling terrible (& wife constantly reminds me I’m the one breaking the family up by filing for divorce and I’m the one whose hurting the kids and I’m the one whose responsible for all the heartache to come as I won’t just keep the family unit together and continue to just live in the spare room in the house I pay for everything so she can live for free)

 

[Ash]

They probably do know something is going on if you’re sleeping in the spare room.

 

[Nujra Rof]

They probably do know something is going on if you’re sleeping in the spare room.

Even age 4 and a half?

 

[Nujra Rof]

I just told them I’m in the next door room as it’s closest and in case you need me at night as not too well lately (had a cold)

 

[Nujra Rof]

So my wife has sent me a parenting plan via email (using planning together cafcass thing). Sent it a couple days back and I haven’t even opened it yet, told her I’d do it Monday lunch break when I’m at work and kids aren’t around so I can focus.

But the thought of even seeing it, even if it’s completely fair, will be so tough, just seeing the days I won’t see my kids

 

[Ash]

Brace yourself. Have you done a parenting plan? If not, there's a template on the home page that I think is quite good and can be edited/adapted to what you want to say. Then you could send her yours (and also send it to the court). The two parenting plans will be poles apart! Think positive - it could be a lot worse - some Dads aren't getting to see their kids at all. It's hard to imagine now, but it can be better after separation and you get the kids all to yourself and no ex interfering or causing problems.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Brace yourself. Have you done a parenting plan? If not, there's a template on the home page that I think is quite good and can be edited/adapted to what you want to say. Then you could send her yours (and also send it to the court). The two parenting plans will be poles apart! Think positive - it could be a lot worse - some Dads aren't getting to see their kids at all. It's hard to imagine now, but it can be better after separation and you get the kids all to yourself and no ex interfering or causing problems.

Sorry I don’t understand how this parenting plan she has emailed from the .gov website actually works. In the sense I thought it was just a tool to use for us both to create a plan, does this go to court to be signed off?

Can you send a link to the aforementioned plan please

 

[Ash]

The link is at the end of this article. After clicking the link you then need to scroll down the page to the next link to the parenting plan template.

It's normal to each do a separate parenting plan. No it doesnt have to be signed off and if the court haven't even asked you to submit a parenting plan, you don't have to, but equally you can send the court a copy as well as the ex - which makes you look child focused. Whether or not the ex has sent her copy to court or not. the Cafcass one isn't very good either.

Article 'Parenting Plans and Template'

Hopefully you and your ex will be amicable enough to try and make good arrangements for the children between you but it still helps to have a parenting agreeement or plan written down, to avoid arguments about various issues. It's surprising how many things you dont think of agreeing until you...

• Ash
• Jul 24, 2021
• 2 min read
• Reaction score: 2
• Comments: 1
• Category: Dads with Kids Home Page

 

[Nujra Rof]

The link is at the end of this article. After clicking the link you then need to scroll down the page to the next link to the parenting plan template.

It's normal to each do a separate parenting plan. No it doesnt have to be signed off and if the court haven't even asked you to submit a parenting plan, you don't have to, but equally you can send the court a copy as well as the ex - which makes you look child focused. Whether or not the ex has sent her copy to court or not. the Cafcass one isn't very good either.

Article 'Parenting Plans and Template'

Hopefully you and your ex will be amicable enough to try and make good arrangements for the children between you but it still helps to have a parenting agreeement or plan written down, to avoid arguments about various issues. It's surprising how many things you dont think of agreeing until you...

• Ash
• Jul 24, 2021
• 2 min read
• Reaction score: 2
• Comments: 1
• Category: Dads with Kids Home Page

Thank you Ash