6 months after the birth of our son my marriage broke down. This was 7 years ago. The following 5 years were horrible. I was denied access, controlled, taken to court, had every accusation thrown at me. You name it and I'm sure you know the scenario well. Eventually the courts ruled that there was no basis for fact of all the things I'd been accused of (planning to abduct my son, violence etc.. ). All of this was proven to be lies and is a matter of public record so I'm not just here to soften the blow or make myself out to be holier than thou.
Finally I have access to my son, not 50/50 but enough that we're a good presence in each-other lives.
During the court case I got involved with someone new. 2 lovely kids who I've treated as my own. Her relationship with her ex never got to court but has been very toxic. I've tried to support but have also having seen how they behave I vowed to repair and co-parent with my ex-wife as best as possible so as not to be like my girlfriend and her ex
In many ways that has actually happened. I think objectively my ex-wife and I have both been very mature about putting our son first. We have attended parents evenings and sports days together and have shown utter respect during handovers. I believe this is all to the benefit of our son even though I have many reasons to not like her.
My girlfriend has always been the jealous kind. Accusing me of staring at other women, having interest in work colleagues, questioning where I am, going through my phone contacts demanding who people are. I've always try to understand that she came from bitterly divorced parents too and we've even been to therapy where she admitted she had low self esteem and trust issues. In contrast while I've had my struggles I'm a pretty secure 50 year old man with a good business and good friends
My girlfriend and I have had a few rough patches over the years and especially the last 3/4 months, mainly around her feeling like I'm not committed to her simply because I don't want to live with her. I lost my house and pretty much everything I'd worked for when my marriage ended and I just don't want to risk going there again.
2 days ago I mentioned to my girlfriend that myself and my ex had talked about buying a drumkit for my sons birthday (which he'd asked for.) As it's a main present she suggested we go halves and tell him it's from us. I'm ok with this and as a drummer myself was keen for him to start playing.. This flipped my girlfriend out and she asked me whether I was having a relationship with my ex-wife and hoping to get back with her. Her told her absolutely not, but that there would be times in the future that we would co-parent in the best way and that there would be events we would attend together. I don't really see buying our son a drumkit as anything different to sharing the cost of a school trip, or clothing, or later on things like a first car or helping him with a deposit for a flat. I see it simply as showing our son that his parents work together to give him the best life we can. My girlfriend then stormed off taking her boys with her (and leaving me and my son in the park) and then texted to say that I have disrespected her by even thinking of buying a shared gift, that it would confuse our son ,and that our relationship (of nearly 6 years) is over.
I haven't replied and won't be. In the first instance I would never go back to someone who thought it was ok to throw away 6 years of a relationship by text. Secondly her kids see me as a significant adult and my son sees her kids as brothers. They will now have lost me and my son and I would've lost them. That's heartbreaking
So, am I wrong to have offered to buy a shared gift for our son? His mum and I have been through utter hell but we've survived and our son is a happy go lucky boy who's under no impression we are together or getting back together. We just want him to grow up knowing that his Mum and Dad were there for him at every stage.
Lots to unpack there I know but advice is appreciated
Finally I have access to my son, not 50/50 but enough that we're a good presence in each-other lives.
During the court case I got involved with someone new. 2 lovely kids who I've treated as my own. Her relationship with her ex never got to court but has been very toxic. I've tried to support but have also having seen how they behave I vowed to repair and co-parent with my ex-wife as best as possible so as not to be like my girlfriend and her ex
In many ways that has actually happened. I think objectively my ex-wife and I have both been very mature about putting our son first. We have attended parents evenings and sports days together and have shown utter respect during handovers. I believe this is all to the benefit of our son even though I have many reasons to not like her.
My girlfriend has always been the jealous kind. Accusing me of staring at other women, having interest in work colleagues, questioning where I am, going through my phone contacts demanding who people are. I've always try to understand that she came from bitterly divorced parents too and we've even been to therapy where she admitted she had low self esteem and trust issues. In contrast while I've had my struggles I'm a pretty secure 50 year old man with a good business and good friends
My girlfriend and I have had a few rough patches over the years and especially the last 3/4 months, mainly around her feeling like I'm not committed to her simply because I don't want to live with her. I lost my house and pretty much everything I'd worked for when my marriage ended and I just don't want to risk going there again.
2 days ago I mentioned to my girlfriend that myself and my ex had talked about buying a drumkit for my sons birthday (which he'd asked for.) As it's a main present she suggested we go halves and tell him it's from us. I'm ok with this and as a drummer myself was keen for him to start playing.. This flipped my girlfriend out and she asked me whether I was having a relationship with my ex-wife and hoping to get back with her. Her told her absolutely not, but that there would be times in the future that we would co-parent in the best way and that there would be events we would attend together. I don't really see buying our son a drumkit as anything different to sharing the cost of a school trip, or clothing, or later on things like a first car or helping him with a deposit for a flat. I see it simply as showing our son that his parents work together to give him the best life we can. My girlfriend then stormed off taking her boys with her (and leaving me and my son in the park) and then texted to say that I have disrespected her by even thinking of buying a shared gift, that it would confuse our son ,and that our relationship (of nearly 6 years) is over.
I haven't replied and won't be. In the first instance I would never go back to someone who thought it was ok to throw away 6 years of a relationship by text. Secondly her kids see me as a significant adult and my son sees her kids as brothers. They will now have lost me and my son and I would've lost them. That's heartbreaking
So, am I wrong to have offered to buy a shared gift for our son? His mum and I have been through utter hell but we've survived and our son is a happy go lucky boy who's under no impression we are together or getting back together. We just want him to grow up knowing that his Mum and Dad were there for him at every stage.
Lots to unpack there I know but advice is appreciated
. Having said that - if it’s one big item - where is it going to live? At your ex’s house? This is one reason I accepted my ex not wanting to do shared gifts so my son had some of his own things at my home as well. Wait till it’s a PC when he’s a teenager! Although some parents move Xboxes and ipads between homes at handover.
