Future Financial provision

[dinosaur2020]

I'm sure someone has been through what I'm about to explain, so I'd love to hear more from the 'dads' side.
I've been separated now since Sept 20 after my x stopped intimacy with me in Apr 20 (my thoughts are another guy.........which she's now with!
When we separated, we drew up a financial split, I gave her the martial home for £x amount of equity/cash in return (think the split ended up 60/40 in her favour) but I ended up that she would not want any of my pensions. All good so far.
I filed for divorce two years later, which I'm still working through. The Final order should be here in July 23. I am now starting on the financial order and this is what has come to a sticking point. Although we agreed everything (all outside solicitors) and she is not disputing any of the agreement (yet!), she is now saying things have changed and she wants to discuss financial provision for the kids.
My children are 12 and 14. I see them 3 nights a week (and half a day), assume she did this so she could get the £400 maintenance we agreed.
The financial provision thing has come about as I now have a gf, who I've been with for just over a year. We have spoken about living together etc. which I think my x has got wind of and hence the discussion.
She is saying we agreed that we would not be with anyone else (although she's dating this same guy) and that everything she has will go to our kids.
She is now wanting me to go to mediation to agree how we will support them if they go to University and how all my assets should go to the kids and not my gf (if we were to marry).
I'm unsure this is a fair request bearing in mind I've only been with my gf a year! How would this effect my future with anyone? Would I be able to sell everything and bet it all on black at Vegas? Seems like I'm still being controlled (she literally got everything when we split!)

 

[Ash]

Hello and welcome. Tricky. Firstly, do you have written records of the financial deal you agreed at separation? If it wasn't done legally at the time, there won't be a clean break, so you'll need to make sure you get a clean break financially when the divorce comes through - so she can't come back and ask for more later or a share of your pension eg.

I am not that up on the divorce finances personally. But Child Maintenance is payable based on your income, less the number of nights you have the kids.

You're in a tricky position because she might decide to reduce time with the kids unless you agree to certain things - which is quite common.

Your ex cannot expect you to stay single until the kids are adults! It's normal for separated parents to go on to have new relationships and the children have two blended families. However you're right, it is often when Dad gets a new partner, that the ex kicks off. If it's not money it's the idea that they don't like another woman involved with the kids, or even that they don't like the idea that you have someone else (kind of "I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you" type thing).

You will need to tread carefully here. Assume these 3 nights and half day with the kids is by informal agreement and not in any court order. Which means she can change it at the drop of a hat whenever she feels like it. With the ages of the kids as well, it could be tricky to get the time legalised in a court order, because their wishes will be taken seriously at this age (and your ex may coach them to say what she wants, which is common).

Unless she agrees to have the arrangements in a consent order. That is basically your agreement put into a formal court order - a Child Arrangements order by consent. And she probably won't want to commit to that unless you agree to certain things.

Wills are also complex areas. A will can be drawn up to say that your kids inherit but your partner has the right to live in your house in her lifetime. In other words, the kids only inherit after your partner dies (if you have predeceased her obviously) but then they automatically inherit. Whereas if you left everything to each other, and then to the kids, your partner would be free to change her will and leave everything elsewhere.

That is a pretty heavy topic to have with a new partner! But wills do need to be thought about. Your ex is being a bit crass but is probably trying to protect the kids future/inheritance.

It does sound as if it it would be good if you can agree things amicably but really it is none of her business. However, she could poison the kids against you if she gets miffed and say - Dad loves his gf more than you blah blah and is giving everything to her. My ex tried that. Thankfully my partner had a solid relationship with my son already so it didn't work.

To avoid trouble with the ex it might help to have mediation and assure her you will provide for the kids in your will - and leave it at that.

However I think the kind of mediation she is talking about is not child arrangements, but financial for divorce (different type of mediation).

What you could do is bring the child arrangements to the table as well and in addition to agreeing any financial matters, say you want the current arrangements in a consent order. And take a consent order drawn up with you.

It could include everything.

The current arrangements (presumably the 3 nights a week plus half day and half the school holidays)? And Agreements over how much child maintenance you will pay. And agreements that the cost of University fees will be shared. That kind of thing.

Basically I would sidetrack her controlling demands and just vaguely say that the children will be provided for in your will and that in any event you are legally obliged to do so.

This is actually the case. If you did happen to make a will leaving everything to your gf and no provision for the kids, then the will could (and probably would) be contested. Even adult children have a right to be provided for in a will.

But the way round it is to leave any properrty to the kids but with your partner having a life interested in the property. Therefore they can live in it during their lifetime and the kids inherit automatically later.

 

[Ash]

It may be just that bit of reassurance will stop your ex panicking. Or she may be deliberately trying to drive your partner away! So at some point you'll need to have a discussion about wills with your new partner as well.

 

[Ash]

Having said all that. Child Maintenance is payable anyway, until a Child finishes full time education. So I don't see why you should commit to anything more than that, considering you've already done the capital split. It should purely be about Child Maintenance. You can either agree informal Child Arrangements, or you can go by a CMS assessment.

I'd suggest maybe putting something in writing to your ex first, to smooth the way a bit (and cover yourself). We usually recommend BIFF texts and emails (brief, informative, friendly, formal). So it keeps the personal and arguments out of it, but also because they can be used as evidence later.

So maybe something like

"Hi. Just to reassure you over any concerns. I think it's a good idea to have mediation but thought I would set some things out on paper first. To clarify. So far, the capital has already been agreed with you receiving 60% of the house equity in return for not making a claim on my pension, and we agreed I would pay £400 a month Child Maintenance, which I continue to do. Child maintenance is payable until the children finish full time education, so I am already committed to helping fund them through their education in this way. However I am open to discussing any other proposals you may have in that regard. Perhaps you would prefer me to pay the £400 directly to the children when they reach 18?

As regards the other matters you mentioned - future inheritance for the children. This would be provided for in my Will and I am legally obliged to provide for my children in my Will (as we both are) so you need have no concerns there. This is a separate matter from divorce finances.

I am not sure there is much left to discuss at mediation, unless you want further discussion on the amount of Child Maintenance but if you wish to go ahead with mediation perhaps we could also put the Child Arrangements into a consent order, as a sign of good faith and for stability for the children ongoing.

Regards, you"


And see what her response to that is.

 

[Ash]

There is also a parenting plan template on the home page here. It's quite a good one. You can fill it in and edit it to say whatever you want (eg add or remove headings) but it can be a good starting point for discussion and for ongoing agreements. It includes Child Arrangements and finances and you could take that along to mediation or send it to her in advance and see if all is agreed, it can be put into a consent order.

 

[dinosaur2020]

Many thanks @Ash. This has been very informative and a brilliant help with talking to someone about the situation. This is the first time I've actually reached out to other Dad's in these types of situations. After ready some of the other threads on the website, I have to say, I wished I'm joined sooner as I feel Dad's are always left behind or given the rough end of any deals, even in these times of equality.

Unfortunately, the BIFF has probably come a little too late as shots have been slung by both sides over the years, but I will keep in mind for the future. All I wants (and what everyone does) if for this to be over and done and be allowed to get in with my life with my kids. I understand that some decisions will need input from both sides, but I intend to be as brief as possible.

I'll let you know how I got on later this month!

 

[Ash]

It's never too late to switch to BIFF messages She might think - why is he talking like that. Or she might think - a solicitor told him what to write. But it doesn't matter - the main thing is it gives you good evidence for later, that you tried to resolve things and you were the reasonable one.