FHDRA in 2 weeks, child doesn't want to return to mother

[Londondad]

Trying to figure out how to support daughter (12 years old) on this one.
Daughter has had enough of 50/50 care and wishes to live with me and my partner. Daughter has been requested to attend first hearing in 2 weeks (which she wants to do), but now doesn't even want to return to her mother's care before the hearing (and subsequently after the hearing).

Withholding contact isn't even an option as school starts again next week, and mother has already removed daughter twice from school early to avoid me collecting her.

Any suggestions?

 

[Ash]

mother has already removed daughter twice from school early to avoid me collecting her.

That is maybe why your daughter doesn't want to go back. This is a tricky situation. Could you put a plan in place? Eg say to her. She should go back until the court proceedings are sorted, but have an emergency word she can text if she's having a problem and you'll pick her up?

Did your daughter actually say why she doesn't want to go back? I suspect she is concerned she will be psychologically pressured before the hearing and doesn't want to go through that. On the other hand, if you did keep her with you, you might be accused of having coached her before the hearing. And breaching the current order.

When is your daughter due to go back? Do you have proof that ex removed her from school early to prevent you collecting? If so you could say that is why you didn't take her back and why she didn't want to go back.

I am not sure what I would do in this situation to be honest as haven't been in that position when a child was 12. It's a borderline age. If she was 14 I'd say keep her there.

Although she might not want 50/50 any more and say she wants to live with you, the court might not do that. They might say her best interests overrule her wishes at this age.

There are also arguments both sides at this age. Although childrens wishes are taken seriously, both parents are expected to follow orders and it can be seen as a failure of parenting not to persuade the child to go back. On the other hand it can be argued you can't force a 12 year old. Both are arguments.

Have a careful chat with your daughter, ask her what she's worried about.

Do you live near the school. If she's in school her Mother could just collect her from school anyway on her court ordered time.

I'm sorry your daughter is in the middle of this.

 

[Londondad]

I should point out that there is no order currently in place, only informal arrangement.

I'm not sure the emergency word thing would work, her mother often takes her phone from her. On occasion daughter has tried to call me during anxiety attacks only to have her phone confiscated. This was actually flagged by GP and referred to MASH safeguarding, but said they will wait to see the outcome of the arrangement order before considering anything.

Daughter goes back to mother in a few days, for a week. Returns to me for 5 days, then 5 days again with mother (during which time runs into the court hearing). You're right- daughter has stated that her mother will *continue to attempt to pressure her not to say anything in court. Mother has already stated to daughter that "CAFCASS only want her to come to court so they can look at her".
I've already been accused of 'coaching' which I continue to refute. It's a recurring theme when daughter asks me to support her requests. She has been very close on many afternoons to asking the school not to release her to her mother, but found it so stressful. She has told two GPs, school, counsellor, family etc. that she is afraid of mother but is so broken at each avenue being shut down by mother. Hence, daughter's gladness at being invited to court to speak to someone who has the power to make a change.

There were plenty of letters by me to mother's solicitor at the time, regarding her removing daughter early from school. They used an "emergency dentist appointment" once as an excuse, then just simply did it again without explanation. I backed down to de-escalate despite it being on my scheduled time. Ironically, I've been accused of 'controlling mum and daughter'.

Mother lives one hour each way from school, I live 5 mins. Doing homework on commute, missing friends, clubs etc. has made daughter very unhappy. That and the fact she thinks her mother and boyfriend "mentally bully" her. Mother will definitely attempt school change if she's successful in CAO, so I will be requesting a PSO on that. I'll also be requesting a SIO for daughter to receive therapy, which her mother is blocking.