FHDRA - Domestic abuse issues and interim contact living abroad

[Hobnob]

I have my FHDRA next Monday for a CAO after a gatekeeping hearing back in March.

At that hearing the CLA has identified safegaurding issues due to domestic abuse issues raised - I believe this is because in the C100 I cited parental alienation, manipulation, obstruction. I didn't go into any detail and Cafcass didn't probe this in the safeguarding interview, they only mentioned I'd alleged it in their report and that the respondent denies it. In the ex's response to the C100 she denies wholly my allegations and states she will give further detail to the court when necessary.

At the time I submitted my C100, like many of us, I was an utter wreck and ploughed ahead, not knowing what I know now about the court system and how to lead the court to the alienation. In my haste I also submitted a far too weak framework of contact to Cafcass as I was at that time under coercive control from the ex and too scared to ask for what I really want.

I live abroad in Europe since the split and after a prolonged absence due to covid travel restrictions, I began seeing the children again over the past few months once a month. This has been a nightmarish battle due to alienation and outright obstruction and hostility from the ex, (born from sheer hatred of me and my soon-to-be wife, as we had an affair together which ended my marriage).
I haven't seen my 12 year old son since September 2020 and he now ignores all calls and messages from me. My 10 year old daughter took a lot of coaxing from me to spend time with me, and I've seen her on my last two visits but she immediately cuts contact with me after a visit. My youngest daughter is 7 and consistently spends time with me, but also has little to zero contact with me outside of visits.

I have had to push and push to convince the ex to allow me overnight stays (Cafcass said no safeguarding concerns for me), and she's finally allowing it for my next weekend visit in May, which is AFTER the first hearing.
She has also reluctantly/eventually agreed to a 2 week holiday for the kids to come with me in the UK - though last night I got an email saying the kids don't want to be apart from her for more than 2 nights and she will allow them to come only for as long as they want to.


I have so many questions I need some help with that this could end up being several posts.....
The clock is really ticking and I have to get this right so here goes....

1. The holiday.
I cannot afford for the holiday to take place in the UK. With flights, accommodation and car hire in summer I'm looking at a minimum of £6k.
I want to bring the kids to where I live which would mean flying to the UK to collect them, flying them over and only needing to hire a bigger car for a few days when we would all go out (I have 2 stepkids). This would save me at least £4k. It's not about the money, if I haven't got it I can't do it. But it's also about I want them here and they want to come. The ex disputes this but I know it's either lies on her part or the kids tell her what she wants to hear due to the horrendous alienation she puts them through.
Can I bring up the issue of this holiday at this first hearing and if so, how so?
Do I need to do a separate application on this or can I ask for it in an interim contact order? I'm self-repping. Ex is refusing to let me take them out of the UK. I've asked for her concerns so I can try to address them but she has refused to tell me what they are.

2. Framework of contact. I asked for far too little and want the court to disregard it completely. I want to have a defined order which states:
I have overnight stays with the kids in the UK once a month every month on a set weekend from Friday night to Sunday afternoon with flexibility on pick up and drop off times due to flight schedules,
6 consecutive days Sunday to Saturday (due to work and flights) for alternate February/May half term to be spent at my home or elsewhere overseas,
the first 4 full weeks during the summer break to be spent at my home or elsewhere overseas,
Saturday to Wednesday during October half term to be spent at my home or elsewhere overseas,
Alternate one full week at Christmas first or second week, to be spent at my home or overseas.

I would also like my weekends to be moved to the children's birthdays or close to their birthday if they fall on a weekday for alternate years and to spend father's Day with them.

One problem I'd have is my daughter's birthday is early August so if I ask for 4 weeks of school holidays her birthday would always fall with me. I can't just pop her home for a couple of days when it's her year so I guess I'd have to ask for alternate first 4 weeks then last 4 weeks.

Is this is a realistic schedule and could it be enough time with the kids to be considered shared care? If she gets a lives with order which she already states she will apply for, it means I'll always need her permission for overseas trips which she will refuse.
As I haven't put any of this in my C100 or in the framework of contact I asked for, how do I communicate this to court and when do I ask for it? We can't resolve if they don't know what I want?

 

[Hobnob]

3. Communication with ex.
This is currently via email, convoluted, hostile from her, ignored by her, delayed, stressful. I have appealed time and again for timely responses, for her to stop the hostility and to use a parenting app. She refuses. I want this to be court ordered to stop the manipulation, abuse, obstruction. When do I ask the court for this and how? Making simple child arrangements is an absolute nightmare and causes me huge anxiety. She constantly plays games and I need it to stop. It's pushing me to a breakdown. Her delays and ignoring cost me financially too as everything is booked last minute when it costs more, deliberate tactic by her. I know this will be better with a defined order as I can plan ahead but I can't see the obstruction and communication improving without using a parenting app.

4. Position statement.
I've had no choice but to delay this due to waiting on responses from her about my existing child arrangements. I need to get it done quickly now but I'm not sure what to include. I know how to set it out from the example on here but as for the content, where do I go with that? I want a child impact assessment, Cafcass have suggested it and the ex agrees to it. I'm guessing the court will want a Scott schedule from me in relation to my allegations which they'll ask me to compile after this first hearing ready for a second hearing? Ex hasn't made allegations up to yet but there's been veiled threats in emails alluding to harassment of her (untrue) and threatening a contact centre (no grounds).
I want a third party to do hand-overs of the kids due to her manipulation and obstruction/game playing in front of the kids, but not sure how to broach this. She won't do face to face mediation or court but insists on being present at every handover with me and uses it as an opportunity to either try to engage with me, act fake friendly, hide scared behind the door in front of the kids, confront me about court, stop the kids from coming through arranging for them to be with her instead and make them choose or just generally drag out the hand-overs (kids not ready), taking 20 minutes causing me huge anxiety instead of 2 minutes to collect the kids and for them to say goodbye.

Do I just put in the position statement what the current situation is re contact with the kids and what I want the court to do, have I got to talk about my relationship with the kids in this statement and what I offer them, why they should spend time with me etc?

Have to get my sh*t together now and make this right !
Although I've alleged domestic abuse, as well as the alienation of the children I've included emotional and financial abuse of myself from during and after the relationship, I want this court order as quickly as possible. If I can do it without a fact finding and just the child impact assessment that would be far better, but is this now likely to be impossible as they are obviously taking the domestic abuse seriously?

Currently feeling very overwhelmed by it all and even considered pulling out of court proceedings altogether last week. Something I know I can't do for my children's sake. I'm under immense pressure to get this right for them.
I can't afford a solicitor or direct access barrister and with the right preparation I'm confident I can represent myself in a genuine, child-focused and reasonable way. I suspect due to her absolute arrogance she's had little to no legal advice (this is evident in her emails), and she will arrive ill-prepared with no position statement and no valid concerns or legitimate examples of how she's promoting contact with me and the kids. She has already stated the court and Cafcass will agree with her and she's the sole carer she calls the shots blah blah. If it doesn't go her way, the victim-playing and waterworks will start...

Any advice much appreciated....

 

[Ash]

Ok we need to get a position statement together quickly and sent off. I can reply more later but basically - ignore whatever your ex has said and agreed to. Just ask for what you want in an interim order, in your position statement.

Basically if you have a court order, it is up to you where you spend time with the kids - and not her business. She is just digging herself into a hole trying to dictate things like this. And it's assumed that children go to the father's home. So try and put her out of your head and think confidently that, as a parent, you have a right to have your children in your life (and they have that right also). Not over confident obviously, but try to detach from your ex and her rubbish - because there is nothing wrong with children being with both parents, wherever they choose to be.

I think as mentioned before - you won't get all this solved at the first hearing. No evidence can be seen and no final orders can be made - unless it's all agreed between you at the hearing and a consent order is agreed (which seems unlikely). Your ex is probably panicking about the court procedures so is "pretending" to be helpful and agreeing to certain things (but then putting stipulations in there!).

An interim order is to ensure some time takes place, including over the school holidays, until a final hearing date.

What did you actually ask for in your initial application? If you're wanting to change that then you "can" put that in a position statement but I think you should get some legal advice on this and enquire about submitting a C2 application. I am not that up on C2's but I believe it's to apply for something when a case is already going on. Also enquire aobut the timing of such a thing, because it may be it's better to wait for that until after the first hearing.

 

[Hobnob]

In the c100 I only asked for "reasonable time with the children" and didn't outline anything. I submitted a separate document by email to Cafcass on the day of the safeguarding interview which I titled "framework of contact".

This asked for monthly "staying contact" progressing to holidays in the UK and eventually holidays with me where I live.
I also asked for telephone contact in between and a parenting app.

This was sent to the ex and the court. She's used it against me repeatedly saying that as I requested "staged" contact I have to take it slow, at the pace she decides, I'm no where near that stage etc....

I didn't realise that I shouldn't be calling my time with the children a holiday it should be time spent with dad, in their other home etc. That there was no reason for her to deny the overnight stays because I was already having unsupervised contact with the children and there were no Cafcass safeguarding concerns. Until recently I felt I had no choice but to accept her terms. Now I absolutely want to have more time with the children and to bring them overseas to my home so they get all the normal family stuff with me, not just days out with dad or holidays. I can't sustain it financially and it's not a good expectation or precedent to set for the kids.

So do I have to submit a c2 for an interim order now too or just put all this in the position statement?

The ex absolutely changed her tune once a court date was issued, suddenly becoming friendlier and more reasonable, only it hasn't lasted more than ten days and she's reverted to type again.

Do I mention interim order in the position statement? What's your thoughts about the allegations too? Do I just leave that until I'm asked about it?

 

[Ash]

So do I have to submit a c2 for an interim order now too or just put all this in the position statement?

That's why I'm suggesting you get some legal advice to ask that question. Yes you could put it in the position statement but to change what you originally asked for officially, it "may" need a C2 submitting but I am not expert in that area. You can get a free half hour with a solicitor (I suggest doing that with 2 or 3 different solicitors! Some are more helpful than others and some are useless and you can usually get a feel for a proactive one who knows what they're talking about).

Just say - when you submitted a C100 you didn't know what you were doing and only asked for an order for "reasonable time" but you now want to change that to requesting a specific defined schedule, and how do you do that at this stage?

I think it's important to get advice at this stage, because my only experience of this (and yes I didn't ask for enough in my initial application) was that I increased what I was asking for in my final statement (with good reasons and evidence) but the other side's barrister argued that this is not what was in the initial application and my barrister said - they will listen to that point.

Had I known this I would have done something earlier. Having said that, a court might very well agree with a specific schedule requested in a final statement, or via a draft order you submit at final hearing. But I don;t know that. The word "reasonable" is tricky. My first order just said "Mother will allow reasonable time, as agreed" - which was basically a useless piece of paper and not enforceable. How do you define "reasonable"? Well you could argue that but courts don't - it basically means - it's up to the Mother to decide what is reasonable! If its' not reasonable then it means a further application for a defined order.

So to avoid getting a flakey order now and having to go back to court again to get a better one, my view is to find a legal protocol to change what you originally asked for which I "think" is via a C2 - but I'm not sure. If that;s not possible then I am sure you will still get a decent order when there are no welfare issues with you and you can submit specifically what you want in an order in position statements and your final statement.

For this position statement, you want to be updating "the position" since you put in the application - what has happened - ie difficulties seeing the children as Mother won't agree and claims they don't want to (which you don't believe is the case at all). Anything else you want to update them on, or put them in the picture about, and end with requesting what you would like the court to make an interim order for, pending final hearing.

And that you request that the final order is for the children to live with both parents with a defined order for x% of the time with you.

 

[Ash]

The way the system works is that by final hearing, various documents will be available for the judge to read which will be in the court bundle. The initial application, cafcass reports possibly, the statements of both parents and any evidence either side is submitting. Your position statements may get overlooked at that stage, so the only information in the bundle about final order wording will be a) your initial application b) whatever Cafcass recommend and c) what you ask for in your final statement.

"If" a C2 is the right thing to do at this stage then that will also be in the bundle.

 

[Hobnob]

That's why I'm suggesting you get some legal advice to ask that question. Yes you could put it in the position statement but to change what you originally asked for officially, it "may" need a C2 submitting but I am not expert in that area. You can get a free half hour with a solicitor (I suggest doing that with 2 or 3 different solicitors! Some are more helpful than others and some are useless and you can usually get a feel for a proactive one who knows what they're talking about).

Just say - when you submitted a C100 you didn't know what you were doing and only asked for an order for "reasonable time" but you now want to change that to requesting a specific defined schedule, and how do you do that at this stage?

I think it's important to get advice at this stage, because my only experience of this (and yes I didn't ask for enough in my initial application) was that I increased what I was asking for in my final statement (with good reasons and evidence) but the other side's barrister argued that this is not what was in the initial application and my barrister said - they will listen to that point.

Had I known this I would have done something earlier. Having said that, a court might very well agree with a specific schedule requested in a final statement, or via a draft order you submit at final hearing. But I don;t know that. The word "reasonable" is tricky. My first order just said "Mother will allow reasonable time, as agreed" - which was basically a useless piece of paper and not enforceable. How do you define "reasonable"? Well you could argue that but courts don't - it basically means - it's up to the Mother to decide what is reasonable! If its' not reasonable then it means a further application for a defined order.

So to avoid getting a flakey order now and having to go back to court again to get a better one, my view is to find a legal protocol to change what you originally asked for which I "think" is via a C2 - but I'm not sure. If that;s not possible then I am sure you will still get a decent order when there are no welfare issues with you and you can submit specifically what you want in an order in position statements and your final statement.

For this position statement, you want to be updating "the position" since you put in the application - what has happened - ie difficulties seeing the children as Mother won't agree and claims they don't want to (which you don't believe is the case at all). Anything else you want to update them on, or put them in the picture about, and end with requesting what you would like the court to make an interim order for, pending final hearing.

And that you request that the final order is for the children to live with both parents with a defined order for x% of the time with you.

Thank you so much Ash that's a huge help. Just on the final point, x% time with me, do you know if there's a threshold that has to be met? Because my time is limited to weekends and holidays because of distance, my time will fall under quality time and not caring time? Can I still request shared care on this basis?

 

[Ash]

It's usually a third of the time for "lives with both parents". It doesn't really matter if it's "spends time with" as long as the order is clearly defined but you could argue (later) that it should be "lives with both" to show both parents and the children, that they are equally important to the children.

 

[Hobnob]

It works out around 64 nights if I get the schedule I want. I would love more but it's not workable with work, school, travel and cost. This is just over a 6th of the year. If it's lives with mum spends time with dad I'll need her permission every time I want to take them out of the UK unless it's defined as a specific issue within the order?

 

[Ash]

You could ask for a clause in the order stating that the Father does not need to seek consent from the Mother to take the children abroad during his court ordered time but that both parents will inform the other if they are to take the children abroad and provide an emergency contact phone number.

 

[Hobnob]

Having read the gov guidance on attending/preparing for court, other than the c100 and the position statement, are any other preliminary documents required for a FHDRA, such as case summary, issues to be decided, chronological timeline etc... Or do these all come later in the bundle, directed by the judge of when and who prepares?

You are right Ash about the C2. You do need it to make a change once you've submitted your C100, you have to ask permission from the court to make any changes. So I definitely need to do this to change the amount of time I want with the kids to a defined order.