Feeling really lost

[Pen_cap_chew]

Having read all the messages, I was just wondering if anyone has any help, advice or can just relate.

My wife literally yesterday told me that she was no longer in love with me, and wanted to seperate. We have been together for 12 years and married for 8 years. We have an amazing little 7 year old, throughout our relationship and marriage my wife's mum and sisters have been a constant wedge in our marriage. They disliked me from the start, I could go into it... but I imagine it would turn into a copy of war and peace.

When I met my wife she became very ill, I stuck with her as when you love someone you make those sacrifices. It was hard as her illness meant we didn't socialise much, I looked after her and our sex life suffered. Up until covid hit, like most married couples we had our ups and downs. But our lives and relationship were brilliant, when my daughter was born my daughter was born and not breathing. They Brough her back and my wife then crashed and had to be brought back... she suffered from heart failure. It was horrendous, but I gave up my career snd looked after them both. I brought my daughter home, my wife was transfered to a heart hospital and my daughter couldn't go with her.

I didn't know if my wife was going to pull through, so had to step up and be a dad. My relationship with my wife's mother went downhill at this point, she visited and told me that she was going to take my daughter, I said it would be good... I needed to get a shower, tidy the house and catch up. So it was welcomed it was at this point she told me... she was taking her as it wasn't natural for a man to bring a baby up. I told her to leave, it was after that incident the trouble started.

My wife was subject to abuse and coersion from her mum, my wife was very vulnerable and suffered alot mentally and psyically due to everything she went through. I supported her as much as I could, but her mum has never stopped. When covid hit, I lost all my support... my wife was sleeping 16 hours a day. I was mentally burnt out, I got short and shouty which I am ashamed to admit. My wife contacted social services as her mum convinced her I was an abuser and wasn't safe, we dealt with social services and accepted the support and help. Over the past 4 years we have had social services involved a further 3 times, all down to my wife's mum coercing her. Social services never found anything, there was nothing to find... but I was branded an abuser.

Over the past year my wife has withdrawn from our marriage emotionally, for the past two years there has been no intimacy. My wife's family banned me from everything, holidays, celebrations and many other things. I in all honesty didn't want to go, but my daughter was getting older and starting to ask why her dad wasn't there. My wife always chose them and not me, about 6 months ago my wife told me she wanted to seperate. I was devastated but accepted it, she then told me that her mum had told her to pick me or them. She picked them, given everything else and this... I should have left. But I love my wife and my family, I told my wife things needed to change as I was hurt by this. Roll onto today, nothing has changed. She shows no care, I an asking if she is OK and trying to make her feel better. I asked if she wanted to try marriage counselling, in an attempt to reconciliation or at worst come out of the separation in a better place for the counselling.

I don't know if its my wife's adhd or something else, but she just doesn't get what I am saying or appreciates the gravity of everything. I said to her about we need to get advice, I want 50/50 shared time with my daughter, I also want my daughter to keep her activities, school and things she already does. I imagine this is going to devastate her, she is also autistic. My wife thinks this stuff is going to be resolved in a week. When I tell her it could take months, she isn't happy. The mad thing is, we both want what is best for our daughter. I am trying to be as amicable as possible, and she is to a degree. But then is stating she can't do 50/50 parenting, I said for her to get some advice as if we go to court they will more than definitley grant 50/50 parenting given that I'm her dad, we were married and I have looked after her my whole life. So why go through a process that is going to cause more issues and heartache. We both want what is best for our daughter, so as impossible and heartbreaking as it is... we need to do it.

My wife has asked for me to get in touch with the housing, to come of my one with her and get my own. She also wants me to come of our joint benifits claim I gave up work to look after my wife and daughter and currently am my wife's full time carer. I have told her, that until the 50/50 parenting is sorted, a plan on how we move forward with regards to our daughter and her needs and ironing out 12 years of a relationship/marriage. I am not prepared to do it.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated I am just lost with it all. Any places, charities or anything to get help and support, thank you for your time and reading my post.

 

[Maloney]

Sorry to hear you are going through this, there are some really helpful people who will really help on here that can advise better than me.

Whatever you do, don't take your name off anything until you have received financial advice. You can get 30-45 mins free with most solicitors.

 

[Ash]

Hi. I'm also sorry to hear you're going through this. Our usual advice is - don't move out without a child arrangements order in place. Otherwise it could take you a long time to be able to get to see your daughter again. Society thinks children belong with Mothers, and if you took your daughter with you, the police would probably take her back again.

It sounds very messy financially for you both, if you're her full time carer and dependent on benefits and carer's allowance. For now try to avoid getting into any arguments or you could be accused of something again. Keep records of any discussions - but change all your passwords etc to make sure you can keep those confidential. Sending yourself an email with a note or diary entry can be useful if needed for evidence later, as it's date and time stamped - but you need to make sure your wife can't access your email. So as well as changing passwords, you might need to delete any mail app and log in to email online instead. A mail app can be opened by anyone who guesses your phone lock passcode (or before it locks after you've used your phone). Change that code as well.

In other words, protect yourself. Your wife and her family would probably try to prevent 50/50 by accusing you of abuse. And your wife has already say she doesn't want 50/50. But is that because she isn't actually able to look after your daughter herself?

Is your wife no longer needing care or is she planning for her Mother to move in?

 

[Peanut 21]

What is your wife's relationship with her own dad?
It sounds like she comes from a family full of women with her own mother being the dominant force behind it all.
She's likely grown up having to please her mother and is finding it hard to break free from her.
I just think it's important to understand what type of people you are dealing with. It's not just your wife and her issues. It's her mother as well, who likely caused your wife's problems.

 

[Pen_cap_chew]

Thank you for writing back, I really appreciate your advice and responses.

Hi Ash,
With regards to passwords, I have taken your advice and started to change them. With regards to my wife's health, I hate saying this as I love my wife and feel like I am being shitty. My wife couldn't do it, she has heart failure, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. Coupled with other medical things and depression and things, she would be able to push herself for a short amount of time but then crash. At the moment my wife gets up in the morning, we get our daughter ready and I do breakfast and i take my daughter to school. My wife goes back to bed at 9 and I usually get her up at 2.30, sometimes I can't get her up and pick my daughter up and come home. I do all the cleaning, cooking and pretty much everything in the house. My wife does the finances etc., I have asked to be involved but get fobbed off. I have been accused of being controlling in the past, I don't understand how... my wife controls all finances, goes where she wants and spends what she wants... gets her nails and eyebrows done. I get £30 pound a month for myself, I think I have been living in denial. I have only just realised how abusive the relationship has been, it would take a year to write it all down. But she has used sex, she will push my buttons until she gets a reaction... she has done this on a few occasions and covertly recorded me to show people. On one occasion she had set up a secret meeting with social services, the night before the meeting and out of nowere she started causing an argument. She then showed this to social services, I only realised recently when I watched a tiktok that this was abuse. I have always felt my wife was compromised when it came to her mum, she wasn't able to put our daughter first. At those times I would as a dad always fight for my daughter... an example of this was we came back from holiday. My daughter was really unwell, my wife's mum was due to take our daughter for the day. My wife said it would be nice for her mum to take her, that we could have some alone time without our daughter being there. I asked if her mum could have her visit in our house, see if my daughter felt any better and then her mum could take her out. Me and my wife could go out for a bit, so her mum had dome time to herself. That resulted in my wife disregarding my wishes and took our daughter to her mums.

Hi Peanut 21,
For someone who doesn't know me, you literally summed up the family dynamic perfectly. My wife's relationship with her dad is complicated, her dad left her mum when she was around the same age as my daughter. My wife describes her dad as her useless dad, she sees him very rarely but on the face of it loves him alot. My wife is the eldest of 4 girls, she remembers good times with her dad and not the narrative her mum tells everyone. My wife remembers her dad being the one on the receiving end of violence and abuse from her mum. My wife also remembers the violence her mum had towards them after dad left, she remembers laying on top of her sisters in order to save them from the kicks snd punches her mum dished out. To be honest with you, my wife is very guarded and doesn't talk much about her younger life.

Since I met my wife, het sisters would be mea to her... I spoke up the first time it happened. I have two sisters and we wind each other up, but it's always a fun thing. Her sisters where just mean, when we got home my wife had a go at me about speaking up. So I didn't from that point on, if I fell out or had words with her mum or sisters, I wasn't allowed to directly have a conversation with them... like normal families. Her mum rules the roost, her mum will set little bombs off and my wife's sisters will attack her. This happend at my wife's baby shower, my wife's best friend was organising it. My wife's mum caused murder then went on holiday, my wife's sisters jumped on the bandwagon and ww3 ensued. The result was my wife's sisters organised the baby shower, her best friend of 16 years was pushed out. Also as a result of the argument, my wife's best friend who was her bridesmaid and kids who where page boy and flower girl were pushed out under threat of her sisters not attending our wedding if her best friend was there.

Throughout our marriage, her mum refers to the men in the family as boys. Hated the fact I would speak up to her, the other men didn't do this. I wish I could find the words or ability to tell everything that has happened, I feel unloyal, guilty and ashamed that I am talking about my wife like this. I love her, love my family and even knowing all this... I most probably would take her back if she asked. Over the past couple of days, I have begged her to have me back... she told me that I was rubbish in bed and that's why we didn't have sex. Last night I even said to her that if that was the issue , I didn't mind her going outside the marriage to meet that need. I used to be a strong and confident person, at the moment I feel emasculated and a shadow of my former self. Deep down I have been told for so long that I am an abuser, both psyically and sexually towards my daughter. Everyone who knows me including my wife knows I'm not capable of this, social services as much as they tried to make things stick... never could. Deep down I feel like I need to do what's right for my daughter, I need to go for full custody. But again the guilt starts about taking her away from her mum, for all her issues she is an amazing loving mum. I just feel so lost with it all

 

[Ash]

If you apply for the child to live with you, the court might see that as controlling or trying to take the child away from her. You might be better applying for 50/50 but say your wife will need some support when she's alone with the kids and you are happy to continue to offer support when needed. She has probably already thought all this through though and will probably have her Mum doing the childcare.

It's best not to use the term custody either - it's not been used in the UK for a very long time - more of a US term. In the Uk it's either "lives with" or "Spends time with" although sometimes still referred to as "residency".

There is no point raising that she or her family have been abusive as a) the court won't be interested in anything her family has done and b) it will look like mud slinging, and if both parents do that they think the children are at risk of conflict between parents.

It could be useful to get legal aid however, and you might be able to explain some of the family dynamic in your initial application, briefly, but really there are many reasons for people separating and it's about you and the ex, as parents.

 

[Pen_cap_chew]

If you apply for the child to live with you, the court might see that as controlling or trying to take the child away from her. You might be better applying for 50/50 but say your wife will need some support when she's alone with the kids and you are happy to continue to offer support when needed. She has probably already thought all this through though and will probably have her Mum doing the childcare.

It's best not to use the term custody either - it's not been used in the UK for a very long time - more of a US term. In the Uk it's either "lives with" or "Spends time with" although sometimes still referred to as "residency".

There is no point raising that she or her family have been abusive as a) the court won't be interested in anything her family has done and b) it will look like mud slinging, and if both parents do that th

If you apply for the child to live with you, the court might see that as controlling or trying to take the child away from her. You might be better applying for 50/50 but say your wife will need some support when she's alone with the kids and you are happy to continue to offer support when needed. She has probably already thought all this through though and will probably have her Mum doing the childcare.

It's best not to use the term custody either - it's not been used in the UK for a very long time - more of a US term. In the Uk it's either "lives with" or "Spends time with" although sometimes still referred to as "residency".

There is no point raising that she or her family have been abusive as a) the court won't be interested in anything her family has done and b) it will look like mud slinging, and if both parents do that they think the children are at risk of conflict between parents.

It could be useful to get legal aid however, and you might be able to explain some of the family dynamic in your initial application, briefly, but really there are many reasons for people separating and it's about you and the ex, as parents.

ey think the children are at risk of conflict between parents.

It could be useful to get legal aid however, and you might be able to explain some of the family dynamic in your initial application, briefly, but really there are many reasons for people separating and it's about you and the ex, as parents.

Hi Ash,
Thank you for writing back, I really appreciate your help. Moving forward my only focus is keeping the impact of all this to the bare minimum. My daughter really doesn't deserve it, as much as I worry about my wife and her capacity to look after or keep my daughter safe. I will always be there to support my wife and daughter, as would be my parents who have always been there for me, my wife and my daughter. The crazy thing about all this, is my wife's family will be there for a very short time. They really don't care about my her. This has been demonstrated so many times over the years, me and my wife on speaking are really on good terms. We are both in agreement on 90% of what we want for our daughter, the only sticking point is my wife wants my daughter to live with her full time.

I am now seeing the abuse I have suffered over the years from my wife, but I have no intention of bringing it up. Not because I don't care, but we are seperating and I am moving on. It's pretty much the same with the family dynamic, it will as you said just muddy the waters and further complicate things. I am hurting and sad, but my plan is to get my 50/50 living arrangement in place along side a plan of what both of us parents want. With regards to my daughters activities, schooling, family, holidays and the million other things. I want to then get my own house with a room for my daughter, and maybe get some counselling and just be a good dad to my daughter. I feel I can help more and be able to offer more support to my wife if we can stay amicable and on good terms.

Where I am stuck is in relation to how I proceed, my wife knows for me... I am not going to give up my home or start the separation until I have a written agreement/plan in place stating the living arrangements. But if we can keep it out of court, do I need a solicitor to legalise the agreement/plan. I'm not sure of the technical terminology or the process, this is were I'm stuck.

 

[Ash]

Yes you both need a solicitor as a one off job, to put any agreement into a consent order Child Arrangements order. It'll then be sent to court for sealing and no court application necessary. But only a sealed Child Arrangements order is legally binding.

 

[Pen_cap_chew]

Thank you Ash, I really appreciate you taking the time to listen, help and offer words of comfort.