Feeling overwhelmed!

[paulsfc]

Hello All

Like many, Christmas has been incredibly difficult this year and I am feeling as low as I have ever felt. I separated from my wife in Feb 2023 and she immediately began contacting the police with false allegations. Over the following 12 months or so she contacted the police with multiple allegations against me, my mum, step dad and sister. I was arrested twice and went on trial for an assault that did not happen (nor was there any evidence of happening). I was found not guilty in April 2024 and thought my life could start to heal and move on. How wrong i was!

Access to my 3 children we share (I have a fourth, older daughter from my first marriage who lives with me) has been a constant struggle and I am now locked into a the family court process where she has made the same allegations and thrown some new ones in for good measure. A two day fact finding hearing is set for April and I am terrified about it. Since the fact find was decided by the court, I am in a constant state of stress and anxiety which is debilitating. It was so traumatic having to go on trial last year and the thought of reliving that all again is almost too much to bear. I have been in tears throughout Christmas and frankly cannot wait for this whole time of year to be over.

I am fortunate in that I see two of our children each week and the other (16 months old) for a few hours every fortnight. However, it is not enough and I should see them 50% of the time. I cannot reconcile how I have ended up here and how/why she can have total control over access to my children. It is so grossly unfair and it is really, really getting to me now as I cannot see how this will improve in the future. I also can no longer afford the incredible cost of the court process and it is leaving me feeling defeated.

I've read lots of threads on here with people in similar situations and I want to know how you all cope. I need something to cling to. Some sort of hope that it will be OK eventually.

Thank you

 

[mva]

I totally understand how you feel and went through similar over 2 years of court a few years back. I had a fact finding to but not the trauma of criminal court.

When I couldn’t see my kids I totally lost it ( basically PTSD symptoms).

So learn from my mistakes. You have to stay busy, stay off the booze, concentrate on work , seek therapy, focus on child who lives with you, sleep well, eat well, physical exercise. In the between times then distract as much as possible with tv/ books anything that stops you catastrophizing.

Be proud that you did get through a court case. You coped with that however brutal it was.

if you have days that your barely functioning accept this and try and go hour by hour.

You will have a lot of support on this forum

 

[bujanin]

Hello All

Like many, Christmas has been incredibly difficult this year and I am feeling as low as I have ever felt. I separated from my wife in Feb 2023 and she immediately began contacting the police with false allegations. Over the following 12 months or so she contacted the police with multiple allegations against me, my mum, step dad and sister. I was arrested twice and went on trial for an assault that did not happen (nor was there any evidence of happening). I was found not guilty in April 2024 and thought my life could start to heal and move on. How wrong i was!

Access to my 3 children we share (I have a fourth, older daughter from my first marriage who lives with me) has been a constant struggle and I am now locked into a the family court process where she has made the same allegations and thrown some new ones in for good measure. A two day fact finding hearing is set for April and I am terrified about it. Since the fact find was decided by the court, I am in a constant state of stress and anxiety which is debilitating. It was so traumatic having to go on trial last year and the thought of reliving that all again is almost too much to bear. I have been in tears throughout Christmas and frankly cannot wait for this whole time of year to be over.

I am fortunate in that I see two of our children each week and the other (16 months old) for a few hours every fortnight. However, it is not enough and I should see them 50% of the time. I cannot reconcile how I have ended up here and how/why she can have total control over access to my children. It is so grossly unfair and it is really, really getting to me now as I cannot see how this will improve in the future. I also can no longer afford the incredible cost of the court process and it is leaving me feeling defeated.

I've read lots of threads on here with people in similar situations and I want to know how you all cope. I need something to cling to. Some sort of hope that it will be OK eventually.

Thank you

I didn't really cope too well for 18 months of trauma and nervous breakdown. I can see now that I dealt with each hurdle a step at a time and ended up with the right outcome. But it cost me a lot of money and my mental health crumbled.

Cling to the fact that you do see your kids (unsupported? no safeguarding concerns?), you live with a daughter who therefore must be demonstrably happy being with you and this will go in your favour, you've been found not guilty of assault. April will be here soon enough and you seem to have a lot of positives going for you.

How to cope? Keep your down and plough forward, physical exercise, lean on people, stay off the booze/narcotics, enjoy the time that you have with your kids to the max, tomorrow's another day and April will soon come.

 

[Peanut 21]

I said this recently on another post, the time of year adds to any down moods. It's grey, wet and windy and the sun has buggered off to god knows where. It's harder to get out and about to distract yourself like on dry warmer days.

What age range is your eldest child?

 

[paulsfc]

I totally understand how you feel and went through similar over 2 years of court a few years back. I had a fact finding to but not the trauma of criminal court.

When I couldn’t see my kids I totally lost it ( basically PTSD symptoms).

So learn from my mistakes. You have to stay busy, stay off the booze, concentrate on work , seek therapy, focus on child who lives with you, sleep well, eat well, physical exercise. In the between times then distract as much as possible with tv/ books anything that stops you catastrophizing.

Be proud that you did get through a court case. You coped with that however brutal it was.

if you have days that your barely functioning accept this and try and go hour by hour.

You will have a lot of support on this forum

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I am so sorry it was so hard you. It's incredibly hard to focus on doing the right things at times and the temptation to shut myself away is huge. I definitely need to do more exercise so I will make that a goal of mine.

What is your situation? Did the fact find go your way?

 

[paulsfc]

I didn't really cope too well for 18 months of trauma and nervous breakdown. I can see now that I dealt with each hurdle a step at a time and ended up with the right outcome. But it cost me a lot of money and my mental health crumbled.

Cling to the fact that you do see your kids (unsupported? no safeguarding concerns?), you live with a daughter who therefore must be demonstrably happy being with you and this will go in your favour, you've been found not guilty of assault. April will be here soon enough and you seem to have a lot of positives going for you.

How to cope? Keep your down and plough forward, physical exercise, lean on people, stay off the booze/narcotics, enjoy the time that you have with your kids to the max, tomorrow's another day and April will soon come.

Thank you for the advice. I am sorry you have had to go through this too. To be honest, I feel pretty close to a breakdown at the moment. I just can't get my head round that she can just do and say anything she wants and I have to deal with the consequences. It makes me so cross that the law allows her to do this and there is no protection at all for fathers.

Yes, contact has always been unsupported/unsupervised for our two eldest boys and recently just finished supported contact with our baby daughter (not because of safeguarding concerns but because the mum refused to discuss me seeing her so I was a virtual stranger to our baby, it was the only way I could get her to agree contact). Now moving to unuspervised contact with her too. No safeguarding concerns raised by children's services who were briefly involved after my first arrest but quickly closed the case. Interim court order makes clear contact is unsupervised and judge was happy to increase time with my baby daughter. Mum has also agreed to extra time during school holidays. I know there are lots going in my favour but it is hard to rationalise that and not just dwell on how awful my life is at the moment.

 

[mva]

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I am so sorry it was so hard you. It's incredibly hard to focus on doing the right things at times and the temptation to shut myself away is huge. I definitely need to do more exercise so I will make that a goal of mine.

What is your situation? Did the fact find go your way?

Afraid my FF went against me. I was LIP But all cases are different. PM me if you want specifics

 

[paulsfc]

I said this recently on another post, the time of year adds to any down moods. It's grey, wet and windy and the sun has buggered off to god knows where. It's harder to get out and about to distract yourself like on dry warmer days.

What age range is your eldest child?

Yes, I agree, not seeing the sun and being stuck in is a massive factor as is waking up Christmas Day and Boxing Day without all my children. My eldest daughter is 15. It's having a big impact on her too right when she is starting her GCSE's

 

[Peanut 21]

Does she have a close relationship with her siblings?

 

[paulsfc]

Does she have a close relationship with her siblings?

Not overly. There is a an eight year age gap between her and my next eldest. She is good with them though when we go out together

 

[bujanin]

Thank you for the advice. I am sorry you have had to go through this too. To be honest, I feel pretty close to a breakdown at the moment. I just can't get my head round that she can just do and say anything she wants and I have to deal with the consequences. It makes me so cross that the law allows her to do this and there is no protection at all for fathers.

Yes, contact has always been unsupported/unsupervised for our two eldest boys and recently just finished supported contact with our baby daughter (not because of safeguarding concerns but because the mum refused to discuss me seeing her so I was a virtual stranger to our baby, it was the only way I could get her to agree contact). Now moving to unuspervised contact with her too. No safeguarding concerns raised by children's services who were briefly involved after my first arrest but quickly closed the case. Interim court order makes clear contact is unsupervised and judge was happy to increase time with my baby daughter. Mum has also agreed to extra time during school holidays. I know there are lots going in my favour but it is hard to rationalise that and not just dwell on how awful my life is at the moment.

You are in a very strong position, stay optimistic, don't do anything silly and bide your time. What you can do is concentrate on your daughter, keep her mood up and get her through the GCSE's with positivity and love

 

[Dirge]

I Agree with everything the other posters have said. Keep busy, exercise, cut out the booze, eat well, give yourself treats to look forward to. I found planning out what I was going to do next day, the evening before, helped me stay focused. Speaking of focus, make sure you are there for your 15 year old. Give her all the love and support she deserves. Don't let the ex from hell take you down, hang tough!