FDR Tomorrow - been waiting 2 years for this...

[Joecave86]

Hey all,

First post here and just wanted to share some experiences as a Dad going through a very ugly divorce since 2022 when I announced wanting to leave the marriage.

I've got my second appointment FDR tomorrow, had the FDA in March 2024 and then the FDR in August got adjourned due to insufficient paperwork being submitted by the courts

So here we are second hearing tomorrow and hopefully the first time a Court Judge will actually weigh in some opinion on the case and offer some advice for a settlement.

Up until this point the ex has refused the sale of the FMH despite it being worth £650k and only a small mortgage of £110k. Substantial bit of equity in the matrimonial pot but the complicated factor of the mother-in-law contributing over £120k in capital upon the purchase.

There is a declaration of trust to outline a 30% share to the mother in law which I don't dispute but 50% is written to the ex and 20% to me. Did have legal advice and they challenged the DOT stating that the MCA 1973 overrules the document with the needs of both parents being paramount. Although the ex did contribute a substantial amount of a deposit to the purchase of the property this was post marriage and I was the sole provider of income for 9 years whilst she stayed at home choosing not to work.

We have 2 kids and a 65/35 split which I got through the courts, have made another application for increased care as I want more overnights than I've got currently.

Will be interested to see how things play out tomorrow and if a settlement can be reached but the ex has well and truly dug her heels in up until this point sitting sweet in a 4 bed house whilst I was in a HMO. Can't even access the FMH anymore as she changed the locks and got a NMO against me

 

[nothernsoul]

When you say choosing not to work, do you mean she was raising the children?

I fully accept the 30% declaration of trust if mother in law contributed such a huge amount.

Where did the 50% to mother and 20% to you arise from?

 

[Oneofmany]

The length of time this takes is pretty scary. If it takes this long in my case It'll see the house getting re-possessed then everyone's screwed!

 

[Joecave86]

When you say choosing not to work, do you mean she was raising the children?

I fully accept the 30% declaration of trust if mother in law contributed such a huge amount.

Where did the 50% to mother and 20% to you arise from?

Yes she did spend time looking after the children but once both were in child care school/nursery there was plenty of time to fit in at least a part-time job but she always refused to help pay the bills. Other than running an online Etsy shop which didn't really generate much income.

The DOT was drafted when we purchased the FMH and states 20% to me and 50% to her based on her putting in capital equal to that of the mother in law, but that was post marriage, 9 years have passed and I've spend vast sums of money on the property improving it and working full-time to pay the mortgage. Now with 2 kids to look after we both need a split that gives us a chance to start again and 20% to me won't cut it.

 

[Joecave86]

The length of time this takes is pretty scary. If it takes this long in my case It'll see the house getting re-possessed then everyone's screwed!

Yes I had to default on the mortgage but she started paying it then to avoid it going into arrears. The mortgage rate runs out in August though and then it will go up to the variable rate

 

[jon1234]

what were the reasons for all the adjournments please?

 

[Joecave86]

what were the reasons for all the adjournments please?

First hearing went ahead as planned and that judge failed to forward the required paperwork on for the following hearing in August. I was only made aware of this a week prior to the hearing and the ex disputed the effectiveness of the hearing without required paperwork so an adjournment was agreed by both parties.

 

[Ash]

Sorry to hear this. So are you still going through the financial divorce settlement then? Re the mortgage - could you remortgage onto interest only which will reduce the monthly payments? This would need both you and your ex to sign to remortgage though, but if you tell her you need to reduce the mortgage payments as can't afford to keep paying them ............ I'm not up on the DOT thing but maybe the MIL will have to sign as well?

So where are you at with child arrangements? You have a Child Arrangments order for a 65/35 split - so is that every other week-end and one midweek overnight with you? If so it may be hard to get extra time. Unless you don't get Sunday nights at week-ends. What did you apply for to increase the time and what reasons did you give?

I believe it's common for it to end up being a 70/30 split - even though the starting point is 50/50. Presumably the 50/50 starting point will be after the Mother in Law's share.

Your ex can retrain and get working again if the kids are at school - the court would expect that.

 

[jon1234]

yes ash. with a joint mortgage, both have to sign any remortgage. that can be tricky when one of you wants to sell up

 

[Joecave86]

Sorry to hear this. So are you still going through the financial divorce settlement then? Re the mortgage - could you remortgage onto interest only which will reduce the monthly payments? This would need both you and your ex to sign to remortgage though, but if you tell her you need to reduce the mortgage payments as can't afford to keep paying them ............ I'm not up on the DOT thing but maybe the MIL will have to sign as well?

So where are you at with child arrangements? You have a Child Arrangments order for a 65/35 split - so is that every other week-end and one midweek overnight with you? If so it may be hard to get extra time. Unless you don't get Sunday nights at week-ends. What did you apply for to increase the time and what reasons did you give?

I believe it's common for it to end up being a 70/30 split - even though the starting point is 50/50. Presumably the 50/50 starting point will be after the Mother in Law's share.

Your ex can retrain and get working again if the kids are at school - the court would expect that.

Yes still going through it, mediation failed back in September 23 as she couldn’t agree on a single point so I started FO with the courts as she changed the locks on the house and locked me out.

The mortgage is very complicated when one wants to sell…in the end I just stopped paying hoping that would move things along but she has held off for a while, recently she put it into an interest only emergency payment plan.

Initially I applied for 50/50 custody but she threw a lot of false accusations my way and my barrister told me it will drag on for 2-3 more hearings so I settled at the first Child Arrangements hearing for 65/35 with the intention to get more custody in future. I don’t get Sunday nights but I actually want an additional Thursday night on the week it’s not my weekend otherwise I don’t see them for ages before the following Wednesday.

70/30 wouldn’t be a bad outcome but that is still far off what she has offered so far…she has offered me as low as £10k to take my name off a property valued at £650k

 

[Ash]

That's a cheek. So you have every other week-end Friday to Sunday pm and Wednesday nights perhaps? One thing you might be able to change, but it would need your ex's agreement - is the midweek night. I had alternate Mondays and Thursdays, so it meant I only went 3 to 4 days in between seeing my son.

So after my week-end he would come on the Thursday night, then after ex's week-end he would come on the Monday night then on the Friday that week, my week-end again. It worked really well. However the courts wouldn't order that, it would need to be by agreement.

If you do go back to court in future, you should at least be able to get the Sunday night, for a full week-end. But they are less likely to change an existing schedule to 50/50 as there's an established schedule. The only reason you'd likely get 50/50 in future is if your ex is absolutely outrageous, sends hate mail and breaches a lot. If she follows the order, the court will see it as disrupting the child's stable schedule. You'd also be expected to try mediation first.

So if a third of the property equity is designated to MIL then you should at least get 30% of the remainder. But I am no expert on divorce finances.

 

[Joecave86]

So yesterday was the 2nd hearing and I am pleased to say we reached a settlement agreement at the end of the day. When we got there I met with her barrister and had a quick chat and then we all went into the court room me,ex,her barrister and my mother-in-law who has a stake in the property.

The judge let the barrister talk first and she went on for about 20 minutes uninterrupted spewing facts and bs that she had been fed by my ex…bearing in mind this barrister had only come into the case a few weeks ago I knew she didn’t know anything and me having lived this for the last 2 years and thinking about it every single day I knew the truth. The barrister said some really awful things about my mental health and inability to look after my kids when I had depression,looking at my bank statements saying I’m gambling and booking Airbnbs whilst on benefits and working cash in hand. It was really hard to sit there not saying a word listening to these lies…

Then the judge gave me my turn to talk and obviously I wasn’t nearly as composed or orderly as the barrister…but I spoke from the heart with truth and gave my story. I did get upset when talking about my depression and losing my job as a personal trainer but I let the tears flow and also disputed all the lies this barrister came out with…and at the end I told the judge I’m hear to listen to what you have to say and how we split the equity in the family home.

The judge explained that the mother in laws money was protected by the deed of trust and she will get her 30% share but that the remaining split of equity between husband and wife wasn’t fair as suggested by the barrister and both parents needed some money towards housing. He asked me what I thought was fair and I said as we have the kids 65/35 then perhaps that was a starting point. He agreed and said at a final hearing 70/30 would be quite common,could go in either direction maybe by 5% either side but that’s about it.

Basically everything else was disregarded,work,mortgage capacity,debts,spending habits,conduct and the deed of trust that said the ex gets the majority share. He explained to the ex that it’s about fairness and needs of both parents.

The ex then dragged things out for 4 hours outside the court using her barrister to try and bully and intimidate me down further. The barrister also dragged us back in front of the judge to try and use him but he wasn’t interested.


At the end of the day I stuck to my guns 70/30 split or we go to final hearing and the barrister basically gave up,went in front of the judge at the end of the day and he told the ex that someone had to compromise so we settled. She tried to come with the argument that she needed enough money to buy a house outright in the south east…judge said that’s the dream world.

Can’t believe it’s over but I have so much advice for anyone as over the last 2 years I’ve done both child arrangements and financial court so anyone wanting tips or advice let me know.

 

[nothernsoul]

So proud of you mate.

And you should be proud of yourself.

 

[Jumper85]

You seem happy with the outcome buddy, pleased it's over for you