Ex with issue

[Unknow999]

Hi All,

I need some direction because I am completely lost in the current situation.

A bit of the background:

I am separated with my ex for more that 5 years. We have together 2 daughters 11y and 13y.

Maintenance and custody agreement are verbally agreed between us.

I am living 50 miles away from girls in kind of the share house.

I am taking girls ever other weekend from Friday afternoon to Monday morning.

My ex was always emotionally unstable however in the last period things get worse.

Girls reported sporadic physical and verbal abuse (reported with social service)

I have started to having problems with my job because she is not home when I am trying to leave girls on Monday morning

Today I txted her that I am arriving with girls at 8:20am we were a bit earlier and I saw her car leaving street at 8:15am. I have turned and followed her to Lidl car park where she stopped. I called her out few time but she ignored me. I parked my car next to her car and was waiting with girls about 20min.

She left the shop, packed shopping to the car and when she saw as then she gone back to the Lild for another 10min. she got into the car so I reversed and stopped 2.5 meters behind her.

I have opened trunk and started unpack some girls stuff next to her car. My girls were confused. My younger one opened the back door and tried to go out but my ex suddenly reversed straight at us. I had to push my daughter inside the car and close the door, otherwise she will hit us.

Then she raided through girls stuff and left car park.

I couldn't believe what was happen. I called the police and told them what happened but they said there is small chance they will follow up.

In 20min I were arrive to her house. She was already calmed and started to blame me for all situation. She told me that I put girls in risk and stared to abusing me verbally.



Honestly I don't know what to do. Girls cannot live with me right now because I have no money to rent 2 beds. Also I am not afford for mediator to go to the court.

I started to reporting incidents to the social service and police but there are no movements.



What else I can do?

I am worry about mental health of my daughters because she is not looking objectively on the impact of her action

Also my job is affected because I am late or not going to work at all because of her absence.



thank you

 

[Ash]

Hi. If your girls are reporting verbal and physical abuse, that is serious. You said it was reported to social services. Have they done anything?

If they weren't safe with your ex you would need to find a way for them to live with you - there is always a way. For a start off you'd be entitled to all the child benefits, child tax credits etc. You might need to give up work or go part time and claim housing benefit/universal credit to provide a home for them. You'd find a way. No they couldn't live in a shared house at that age - unless they had their own room and at the ages they are, it could be too risky with other people in the house. I lived in a shared house when my son was younger. Because he was younger he had a bed in my room. But my room was at a distance from the main living area and it did make me anxious that other people were in the house. I actually considered rigging up an infrared alarm on the bedroom door. But found ways to monitor that situation when my son was with me.

The fact is though, your ex lets the girls stay the week-end with you in a shared house. How many people do you share with? There would be ways round it, but parenting comes first.

As for the situation with her not being available at drop off time - she is just playing games. Could you drop them off a bit earlier? How far is the journey?

I wouldn't follow her in that way or she may take out a non molestation order against you. One thing you could do is drop the girls off directly at school. They have breakfast clubs and would be open at that time.

So if you ever get there in the morning and your ex isn't there, take them straight to school and drop them off there. For that you'd need some spare school uniform at yours (unless you already take them back in school uniform?).

I would send her a polite email along the lines of

"Dear Ex name

With regard to dropping the girls off on Monday mornings, I think it would be easier if they came to me in school uniform and with their school bags, on Fridays, and I can then just drop them straight at school on Monday mornings. I hope this will resolve any issues over both of us being available on Monday mornings at changeover time and I do need to get to work on time after dropping them off. I hope you agree."

She probably won't agree. But keep everything in writing and courteous - as if writing to a business colleague - not personal and no arguments. If you do need some help from the courts or social services this will stand you in good stead.

Now for what's going on. Have your girls told you what goes on with the verbal and physical stuff? It is very common, when kids get to this age, for an ex to try and get the kids to refuse to come and see you any more. Courts don't do much about teenagers and think they can decide for themselves - especially at 15. The reality is they can't always. It could be your ex is trying to bully them into refusing to come and see you and they are resisting.

And by not being there at home when you drop them off this is intimidation to the girls - as you didn't do what I wanted I won't be there when you get back. After everything I've seen it wouldn't surprise me if this wasn't some kind of way of controlling/intimidating your girls.

So it's not just about making things difficult for you but stressing them out to control them. So you need to think about how to get things to work for them.

You need to try and keep things low key. When the eldest is 16 she might say she wants to come and live with you. Be prepared for that.

See what her response is to that email. And if you think about it, she's done a pretty good job of scaring your girls into doing what she wants - or else. Ex's often wait till they're this age to try and stop them seeing you.