Hi. Sorry you're having difficulty seeing your daughter since moving out. This is quite common - all on the ex's terms. Two weeks is too long to go without seeing your daughter - they need a regular, stable routine after separation - not just your ex chop and change and use you as a babysitter. You didn't say how old your daughter was?
15 miles and 20 minutes is nothing - it's just excuses - as is her being unwell. In fact if your ex is unwell, all the more reason for your daughter to be with you!
I'm surprised it's your ex that is suggesting mediation. Are you reasonably amicable apart from the disagreement over times with your daughter? If so then maybe she is just finding it hard to discuss with you and thinks mediation will help. But yes I would also suspect more to it than that. It could be that she is intending to apply to court for a residency order and one night a week with you or something, and say - that's how it's been - one saturday night per fortnight and a midweek night.
Why is the mediation in two weeks time and not sooner? I've usually managed to get an appointment within a few days -but maybe they have a backlog. Some mediators are better than others for this.
I suggest you have a MIAM if you haven't already. If she has set up the mediation then she's probably already had her MIAM. And you've been invited to the full mediation with both of you - is that right? You can each have a MIAM (Mediation Information Assessment Meeting). It's the first one, that you go to on your own and discuss what the issues are and the mediator explains what mediation is about. And it's something you need to have had in order to apply to court. It's a legal requirement to have had a MIAM, even if mediation doesn't progress.
Put it like this I was doing a 15 minute journey regularly with my son from him being a baby. It then became a 30 mile 45 minute journey after my ex moved. Which wrecked my car after two years of that. He was two by then and yes the journey time was an issue - especially the first few times as he was used to the 15 minutes between homes. It worked out ok though - used to break the journey half way and go to a playpark which worked well. It took a lot of entertaining him on the journey though (both journeys). Chatting - playing songs that kind of thing. When my partner went on the journeys she'd sit in the back and play games with him or read a book with him.
But even if your daughter is very young, a 20 minute journey is fine and a court would accept up to a 40 minute journey usually. Get some good kids dvd's with songs on etc to play in the car - becomes a routine - you might need to sing too lol. Also some good audio books.
It could be worth putting something in writing to her, if worded carefully. To propose what you would like and how you think it would work. Doesn't matter whether she agrees or not, the fact is you can show you tried to propose reasonable arrangements with sensible explanations. In fact if you get a snotty reply back that can be helpful if you do end up in court.
It would be good if you can agree at mediation and some mediators can be quite good. But yes I'd also suspect she is thinking of getting signed off to apply for an order to say - child lives with me and sees Dad one night a fortnight or something.
So suggest you send the email. Get your own MIAM done asap - doesn't even have to be the same mediator - you might find one that can do it quicker and invite her to a session. Although by the time you've had a MIAM it'll probably be two weeks before the first joint session anyway.
And think about applying for your own order. But see how the mediation goes if it's only two weeks away. What could happen though is the mediation appointment in two weeks might be a red herring - and she may have had her MIAM and applied to court already. You'll soon find out as you'll get court papers with a hearing date if that happens. In those papers you have the opportunity to respond and ask for your own order. And you could say you would prefer to have mediation. That'll be ok and they'll probably order mediation after the first hearing (if things aren't agreed at the first hearing).
So an email and her responses can provide evidence for later if needed. Keep any communications as BIFF (brief informative friendly formal) as if writing to a business colleague - keep the personal out of it and don't get into arguments in writing - ever - as these could be used as evidence against you. As a Dad you need to be whiter than white, always the calm reasonable one (including on paper) or you get labelled as "possively aggressive" or something.
So maybe something like
"Dear Ex Name
Arrangements for Daughter name (used Emma as an example)
Thank you for letting me know about the mediation appointment. I have thought carefully about how arrangements could work well for Emma, with both of us and our work schedules and taken on board some of your concerns about the distance. I don't feel a 20 minute drive is any issue and hope it reassures you that I've already planned to make the journey child friendly and have talking books and music for the journey and some suitable toys for the car. If you have any other suggestions, that would be helpful. There's also a playpark on route we can stop at sometimes. I am sure she will soon get used to the routine. I am getting a new car seat that is highly rated for safety.
In terms of when she is with us both, I think two weeks is too long for her to be apart from either of us, and am worried about separation anxiety for her. I feel she needs a regular stable routine. I realise you have to work some days, and as I'm working from home I can care for her those days, but I still think it needs a regular stable routine for her.
I suggest the following and hope you can agree. If we can agree then there is no need for mediation, except perhaps to draw up a parenting plan covering other things as well as a schedule - I've looked at some parenting plans and they cover all kinds of areas to prevent future misunderstandings.
I think Emma would do better with a full week-end with both of us, and split time during the week. I am flexible as to the split during the week but suggest Monday Tuesday with you and Wednesday Thursday with me. This would work out as:
Every other week-end with each parent from Friday afternoon to Monday morning. And every wednesday and thursday with me. With us both working our childcare around those days. If needing to go to the office at short notice we should ask the other parent first if they're available, and if not have a contingency plan.
What do you think? I am sure we can work something out that gives Emma stability and works for both of us as well.
Best wishes, you"
I am guessing your daughter is quite young if needing childcare during the day (ie not in school). So one thing is that actually if neither of you want to pay expensive nursery fees, you are going to need to accept some flexibility in looking after your daughter if the other one isn't available. But a proper schedule would help. If for example she suddenly had to go to the office one day, she could ask if you could have her first (and vice versa) and if it wasn't possible you could agree between you in advance on a suitable childminder (relative?) who can step in, so neither is worried about who your daughter is left with.
If you don't get a reply, doesn't matter. If she just tells you verbally - no I'm not agreeing to that, we can go to mediation, then maybe say ok we can have the mediation but in the meantime I want us to agree that I don't go two weeks without seeing my daugher. And try and get an extra night in there. A midweek night is good. Maybe from 5pm to 9am the next morning. That plus every Saturday to Sunday morning would be ok for now in terms of routine and stability - assuming she is under school age.
But it's building up evidence that might be needed later and showing what you have tried before applying to court - if it comes to that.
The impression is that your ex has decided your daughter lives with her full time and only sees you if your ex needs a babysitter for a day. The Saturday then picking up on Sunday isn't too bad. What's not good about it is the lack of agreed arrangements and her treating it as carte blanche for herself.
