Ex going to apply for child arrangements

[Vran]

Hi, V here

I’m having issues with ex because I lied to her about seeing somebody and she found out why I was communicating less and needing some weekends to myself. I have my son most weekends but some I work and some I ask to have free so I see my girlfriend, I never see son in the week, only Friday night to Sunday night. Ex has son every day meaning when I skip a weekend she gets no break. She has no family nearby. Just her. Son is 3

I work Monday to Friday and one Saturday a month and she works Monday to Wednesday because she had to due to having our son who is 3. She worked full time but couldn’t anymore.

Son goes to crèche Monday to Wednesday full days when ex works and I pay for this. £700.00. I pay nothing else. I work as senior management. She earns minimum wage.
We had only incident domestic violence reported against me by her doctor year ago (after she confided in the doctor thinking it was confidential). She refuse to press charges so that ended there. I know she can’t face me being arrested so not worried about that, she would not report.

But Question is will the report by doctor influence hearing?

Will courts allow her to get what she wants which is me to see son every weekend if never in the week or 50/50 one week each or weekdays and nights and every other weekend?

Can she sue for maintenance ?

She is very angry and strong willed and I’m so so anxious.

We are at the very beginning she only just told me she is going to go CAO and also maintenance so nothing happened yet but I know next two weeks she 100percent will

 

[Ash]

My suggestion would be to try and sort it out with her if at all possible. Your situation is not the usual type - most Dads who come on here are not getting to see their kids at all and having to go to court to do so. You already both spend time with the child so the disagreement is only about how often, when and clearly she is unhappy about you cancelling time and having a new partner.

Has she actually applied to court yet or just talked about it? Because the first thing that should happen is mediation. It could be an idea to apologise for "making excuses" but you felt it was too soon to introduce your child to someone and suggest that you both need to talk about how things will be ongoing. An apology might help calm things down a bit. When there's a child involved we have to do what we can to keep things reasonably amicable if possible. If she's beyond that and has already applied to court then you should receive court papers with a hearing date and at that point you can ask for your own order on the response form (ie how you would like it to be).

To be honest the schedule you've had so far isn't ideal ongoing anyway. I did have every week-end for a while and quite liked it because it was a regular routine and not a long gap between seeing my son, and two consecutive nights each time. The difference was I already had a partner (issues with ex in the early days but it was sorted out by then). It's not easy juggling a new relationship round childcare and there is a need to have time on your own sometimes so it doesn't change things too much all at once for the child.

A usual schedule at the age of 3 would be every other week-end with each parent and then overnights midweek with each parent. Particularly as your child will be starting school at the age of 4 so will be in school midweek. Your ex may well be way ahead there and already thinking she doesn't want your new partner turning up at school to pick son up!

Keep records - print out any texts or emails you have showing child arrangements agreed to date, to prove you have actually been seeing him every weekend.

So whenever there's a big change - one parent getting a new partner - things can blow up a bit. Try and calm then down if you can. If you can't then a court order may work in your favour in the long run. The reason you need to keep clear records is to prove your ex had no safety issues with you with your child and you have had regular staying over time - until she found out you were seeing someone. With family court it doesn't matter what you say in some respects - they can assume either of you is lying or has an agenda - so everything needs to be evidenced. But that doesn't happen till later in the process. The early part of the process is a phone interview with Cafcass to determine if there are any safeguarding issues and they then recommend what happens. That phone call is quite important - so you just say it as it is - that everything was fine, sharing the care of child and he stayed with you every week-end and you paid for childcare for three days a week when ex was working, but you met your new partner and didn't tell her and made a few excuses to have the odd week-end free to spend with your partner because you didn't want to introduce your partner to your son straight away and it was early days. They'll get that. They actually approve of not introducing partners to kids too soon.

If your ex is extremely angry she may well bring up the dv incident. Apart from anything else it means she'll be entitled to legal aid to pay for a solicitor and barrister so going to court won't cost her anything.

Re child maintenance - you are obliged by law to pay CM at the assessed rate - unless it's a 50/50 shared care arrangement that's pre-existing. So if you're paying £700 a month creche fees then you need to mark that standing order or payment "Child Maintenance". Or it won't be counted as having paid anything. Even with CM though, they prefer people to make a "family based arrangement" - ie an informal arrangement between you as to who pays for what. That could be a lower amount of CM but sharing the costs of various things like school uniform and shoes etc. Or it could be - you paying nursery fees. However you need to prove this is agreed so again you need it in writing.

See if you can calm her down and have mediation and try and reach an agreement via mediation re ongoing arrangements and how CM will work (ie you paying creche fees). She might be just threatening to go to court. Just google family mediators in your area, phone round them and book an appointment with one you like the sound of. The first appointment you have on your own then the mediator invites your ex to attend.

Only communicate in writing over anything important from now on (eg text or email) so you have evidence you've tried to resolve things amicably.

Again your ex is probably thinking ahead to when your child starts school - because then there will be no creche fees to pay so she is probably wanting the £700 to continue then to her.

 

[Ash]

I edited your name in your post so it's not your real name. Forum policy is to use a username rather than real names. Message me if you want to change your username.

 

[Ash]

Anyway - unless you do get a 50/50 shared care Child Arrrangements order (which seems unlikely unless it's something you want or can work for you) then yes CM will need to be paid. Check the CM calculator to work out how much it would be.

A 50/50 care arrangement would be - every other week-end from Friday to Monday morning, plus two consecutive midweek nights. For example you would have child every Monday and Tuesday night, ex would have every Wednesday and Thursday night and you'd both have a week-end on alternate weeks. It's a 2-2-5-5 schedule so the two midweek nights run into the week-end fortnightly to make the 5 nights.

eg

Week 1 Monday night to early Wednesday morning
Week 2 Friday night to early Wednesday morning.

It does give both of you a free week-end and means the child gets week-end time with both parents, which is actually better. Week-ends and holidays are classed as "quality time". Midweek is classed as "care time".

When there are no orders in place, as now, you are both equal, with equal parental responsibility. Ie neither of you has legal "residence" status (now called "lives with" status as opposed to "spends time with").

So an order can either be - lives with Mother, spends time with Father (this makes her the "resident" parent and "parent with care" - which technically can give her a bit more power to be difficult). Or an order can be "lives with both parents" - even if the time is unequal - which is "shared care". For shared care it usually needs to be at least 5 nights a fortnight (this would be every other week-end from Friday to Monday and one midweek overnight each week).

I would recommend you ask for "lives with both parents" 5 nights a fortnight - if you can do a midweek overnight (eg from school one night a week when child starts school). At helps prevent the power struggle of her being the "resident" parent and means you don't need her consent to take child on holiday abroad.

There's also the option to put your own application in asap and ask for what you want. But suggest you start mediation asap.

To get a guage as to whether she is likely to attend mediation you could just ask her first. Drop her a friendly text saying you're really sorry about the current situation and think going to mediation would help you reach agreements ongoing and help sort things out and will she go?

See what she says. If she says no then you have your first appointment on your own and asked to be "signed off" you need the sign off form to be able to apply to court. So if she actually is applying to court she will also have needed to have had a first mediation appointment and be signed off (unless - she is claiming dv then it won't be deemed suitable for mediation so she might not have to).

But I think rather than wait anxiously to find out what she's doing, it might be better to get the ball rolling and put your own application in, explaining that the current schedule isn't working for you and you would prefer an every other week-end schedule and a couple of midweek overnights which you also feel would be better for child ongoing and when he starts school age 4. All perfectly normal. If the court gets applications from both of you it will make no difference - they'll just be heard together and they'll see what each side wants and is saying. If your ex claims dv then it might lead to a section 7 report (interviews and investigations with Cafcass). This just delays things a bit but you have a strong argument that there are no welfare issues as you've been caring for child for x years or x months. How long since you separated?

However much you think your ex didn't want to report you in the past - if she talks to one of the womens charities they will encourage her to do so and to claim legal aid for her case. Without claiming it, she doesn't get the legal aid for court.

Were you married by the way? And if so are you divorced?

 

[Vran]

Thank you so so much for reply. We were never married and separated a year though remained close until about 6 months ago. New girlfriend is 2 months in my life. Everything you have said is helpful and I will follow the advice, it is along line I was thinking. And thank you remove my name, I wasn’t thinking lol. So much to take in and learn, life!

 

[Ash]

That helps. If you weren't married then spousal maintenance doesn't come into it. Is your ex still talking to you? Sometimes letting the dust settle for a day or two after an angry outburst can be an idea then try and have a chat with her. But I will say that a new gf on the scene might make her be unreasonable and everything change now. Major reaction type thing. Are you still getting to see your son? She hasn't stopped that has she? In the meantime best to keep him coming every week-end and maybe message your ex saying you think it's best not to introduce new partners to child too soon to see if something will be more established, so you will only see your gf when child isn't there for now, but you think ongoing it would be better to do every other week-end and you have child midweek a couple of nights, to give her a break - and that gives child quality time with both of you at week-ends as well. Can you do that or is there a distance issue? Her reply may be helpful as well for evidence, if she gets difficult.

 

[mva]

“1 incident of DV . Ex refused to press charges”. I would be very careful going forward . Keep everything very civil and log every communication. De- escalate any disagreement.

 

[Vran]

Thanks you for the advice. I will wait a couple days and email her seeking amicable resolution. I see now what she was asking was not bad but when all you do is argue it’s hard to hear a good point from the other. Thanks again, this has helped more than you know.

 

[mva]

Thanks you for the advice. I will wait a couple days and email her seeking amicable resolution. I see now what she was asking was not bad but when all you do is argue it’s hard to hear a good point from the other. Thanks again, this has helped more than you know.

I have been going through 2 1/2 of supervised contact and Fact Finding /Non Mol . I never expected my ex to make allegations. Some reactive emails from me from years before court where used in evidence and I could not counter as just regarded as mud slinging. Do not react buddy it could cost you down the line. Save any rants for this site only.

 

[Ash]

Thanks you for the advice. I will wait a couple days and email her seeking amicable resolution. I see now what she was asking was not bad but when all you do is argue it’s hard to hear a good point from the other. Thanks again, this has helped more than you know.

What was she asking exactly? You to have your son every week-end?

We've all been there - and once separated have separate lives and requirements and communication isn't easy and egos come into play. My ex has the biggest ego on the planet so I know all about that "my way or the highway" type attitude. But if you can keep it amicable it can help a lot in the long run.

Let us know how you get on. But I still think it's because she knows you have a gf and rage and jealousy maybe kicking in - and thinking her Mother status might be threatened - so tread carefully.

 

[Vran]

Thanks Ash. She was ask that I take my son two nights weekly in the weeks I say I will be busy weekends (since I’m now taking some weekends to be with girlfriend and to myself) because right now I only see him some weekends never in the week

 

[Ash]

Ok. It’s understandable you want some free weekends with your gf but it’s not just about childcare. It’s about stability for child with both of you. It’s wrong that money is linked to the amount of time child is with you but that’s the way it is and if you were seeing your son less then that’s probably why your ex is wanting CM.

I know when I met my partner my ex suddenly increased my time with my son a lot (saying my gf mustn’t be involved or I couldn’t see him at all). Which in my case was designed to try and disrupt the new relationship but my gf snd I just worked round it. Although after a few months she nearly walked as there was a lot of messing about. It’s a case of juggling both which isn’t easy when you’re working but your son will notice it if you see him less and could start to feel rejected or upset. So take whatever time she is offering. Sensible thing would be to agree a regular schedule of every other weekend and a couple of midweek nights. So it’s a regular schedule for your son with both his parents and it will still work when he starts school. And try and keep it out of court for as long as possible. Then if it ever did go to court you’re in a better position as you’ve already been having 50/50.

Your ex might genuinely be angry that you’ve dropped your son for your gf (in her view). Your gf needs to understand that you’re a Dad as well and this is just co parenting and it’s necessary to be amicable with your ex over the child.

If you have two midweek nights try and get it so they are the same two every week so you can make plans in between.

Have a look at the parenting plan download on the home page. It’s a really useful exercise to keep everything that’s agreed in writing and less arguments and includes things you don’t always think about for the long term. Separated parents are in st the deep end with no guidance so it’s a good exercise and documents everything. You can download and edit the pdf to say what you want, add or remove headings or change the wording to suit your circumstances. You could fill it in as you would like it to be and send it to her snd ask if she agrees. She might want to amend the odd thing and have you agree to that. If it gets stuck and you can’t agree the odd thing then have mediation which could help both see the others point of view.

Main thing to remember is - your son needs you. He needs both parents to want and love him. It’s not easy for them bouncing around but they get used to it but they really need routine and no long gaps between seeing each parent. Although you can have calls if you can’t see him sometimes. But they always want to know when they’ll see you again.

New relationship can be very heady at first I know. But you’ll get into a routine.

One thing that’s on the parenting plan is how long before each parent introduces new partners. You can put whatever you think. It should work both ways - although Mums tend to do it straight away! Maybe put three months? Or longer if you want or shorter but also put it will be gradual at first (because your son actually will need some time with you on your own as well at times- even if just a few hours).

A lot to deal with - keeping your gf happy as well. I used to feel stuck between two women for a while! My partner got the hang of it when we looked at the odd thing about how separated parenting works so she didn’t get jealous about my contact with my ex. It’s better for child if parents can get on - but still have their own lives.

Kids can be really great about new partners. The nights I had my son I used to have a call with my partner and it got to the point where my son just used to pick up the phone and give it to me. They care about you and pick up it’s something that’s important to you. But they need attention as well.

 

[C&ADad]

“1 incident of DV . Ex refused to press charges”. I would be very careful going forward . Keep everything very civil and log every communication. De- escalate any disagreement.

This is great advice. I've seen plenty of cases where incidents from years ago are brought up, in some cases quite effectively.

Document everything as it happens (its a nightmare going back and trying to document it all in one go). Make sure you pay CMS/ creche etc, don't interrupt anything.

Like mva said- civil, courteous communication. Never send anything if you wouldn't be happy with a solicitor/ barrister/ judge reading it. Avoid inflaming things at all costs as this would be used against you- you could end up with a non mol, ex with legal aid, potential loss of contact while you wait for hearings/ Fact Findings etc- tread very carefully. If you are being reasonable and your ex isn't then that will show via the documented communications between you when it comes to court, but you're not there yet so take zero chances.

Don't forget- the alleged DV incident was before she found out you were seeing someone else when things were different, the whole landscape has changed now and she may well want to punish you for what happened. In the family court, before you know where you are, that doctor's report could be used as evidence to establish that you were a 'serial abuser' for a long period.

I may be wrong but I would suggest that an amicable solution is reasonably unlikely here, so it will be in court at some stage- and I'd probably advise to make that move & get your C100 in to formalise the arrangement. That may well provoke an angry response, but experience suggests that might well be on the way anyway. In terms of the advice on your new partner & son- Ash has summed it up perfectly.

 

[Vran]

Thanks guys, appreciate this. I had call free advice with lawyer today and he said everything you say here, everything. I didn’t even need lawyer. So thank you because your advise is 100% I will update how things go