Eight years divorced and seven with new partner.

[RangersLeedsDad]

I am as per the title as a Dad to two girls 16-18.

Throughout these last 8 years since divorce due to adultery on their mother's part I have at times received bad messages. Regarding money, being a dad, never being a dad for 16/18 years and alleging my current partner doesn't help.

It came to a head on an argument between myself and my 16 year old after a week of messaged provocation, that I said and appreciate I shouldn't, 'that I know where your bad attitude to me comes from young lady's.

Youngest daughter storms out, eldest also leaves and now I have no contact as they won't reply to my messages.

My partner who has been supportive all this time is now sick of the toxicity and lack of schedule and has said to keep the girls under one roof with me will require me to find my own place and we then see each other when I have the girls. She says she's not forcing me to choose between my girls and her but it doesn't feel like that to me.

In a word. Help. Has anyone been through this? I feel lost, hurt, embarrassed and all manner of other feelings.

 

[MagicJ]

Hi @RangersLeedsDad , welcome to the forum and sorry to read what you've been doing through, I can sense the struggle in your post.

Mine are a lot younger but if I'm not mistaken what you've described are a teenager and young adult who seem to have picked up what you feel are traits from your ex and her attitude towards you.

I can understand how you would feel if your girls show no respect at that age, patience is a hard virtue to maintain and having your new partner in the mix is difficult to say the least!

Can I ask, what caused the latest challenge? was it with both? has this been going on for sometime?

At their age, they're just free to do as they please, courts won't entertain any discussion with the 18yo and they'll not really pay much attention to the 16yo either as they can express their own wishes and feelings.

What are your thoughts on finding a space for yourself and the girls? Is the eldest going into further education of any type?

 

[RangersLeedsDad]

Thanks for replying.

My ex wife started a new job 2 weeks ago and had to work in office full time. As such I'm then told I have to do step up and make sure I get girls to and from wherever they have to be with no consideration to my own job. That caused the initial stress.

The argument came about due to me sticking to returning home from a pick up as opposed to doing what my daughter wanted which was to go via a food stop. I was spoken to rudely, said don't talk to me like that, was told to "don't fucking talk to me like that" and I lost it.

I'm not allowed to speak to the girls about their troubles/health/anxiety as I'll make it worse. Or do I am told. Makes me feel like a monster which I'm not.

My eldest is at college (autism) and is doing resits of her GCSES.

I have thought about getting a rental place but if I move out there is no guarantee they'll be there a lot of the time and still only call on me for lifts etc.

I feel like if I get a place on my own I'll lose my partner and if I don't I'll lose my kids.

If I manage to patch things up with the children my partner at present doesn't want them to stay. How do I tell them that?

Appreciate any thoughts you have

 

[Ash]

Hi and Welcome. It sounds a lot going on - not just with your daughters, but with your partner. I'd start with your partner because it sounds unreasonable that, instead of supporting you, she's giving you an ultimatum. Are you living in your partner's house or something?

It's not easy when you're stuck between a difficult ex dictating things and a partner giving ultimatums. I'd maybe have some space to clear your head and decide what you're going to say to your partner. If prepared, it helps to be calm. Personally I'd want to say. My girls are teenagers and there will be ups and downs and as a couple this will affect both of us but I do expect some support from a partner.

I'm not quite clear what she means about getting your own place - almost sounds like she wants to split up - but then says you can both see the girls at your new place? So is she talking about separate lives? Or is she just saying you carry on being a couple at her place, but she won't have your girls at her place?

So yes it does sound like she's having you choose between her and your kids. Is there someone you can stay with for a few days, for some mental space - friend or relative. Give your partner time alone to see what it's like without you?

To be honest if I was in that position I might think seriously about taking the ultimatum seriously and calling it a day and focusing on the kids.

The kids - sounds like a lot of pressures going on - GCSE's transport, dealing with ex. Yes it would backfire if you effectively criticized their Mother and them at the same time! Maybe send a text apologising saying you were having a bad day but would like to take them out to xyz place for some fun.

The transport issue doesn't sound fair but I know teenagers need a lot of lifts and it's an added thing to deal with - have that myself. Sometimes you just have to step up whether it's fair or not. The benefit is that you can get good chats on car journeys.

Kids are for life. They grow up, get married, have their own kids - it evolves and it's a lifelong relationship. IMO you want to keep those relationships in tact because things will change and improve and they'll grow out of this phase. Dealing with this phase now could affect relationships with them in future. So I'd prioritise your kids. If they won't reply to messages, contact your ex and try to discuss it and resolve things - she will have influence with the kids. If necessary, admit you got frustrated at an attitude but you want to sort things out - and maybe make some suggestions about how transport could work - eg you do x days a week and she does y days a week (even if your days are slightly more).

Autism and GCSE's sounds very stressful for your eldest. Sorry I'm not sure if any of that was any particular help.

 

[Ash]

I feel like if I get a place on my own I'll lose my partner and if I don't I'll lose my kids.

It's not good if it feels like a rock and a hard place, but sometimes you have to think laterally with situations like that and do a "sideways" move - something that nobody expects - to get some control back. Hence I was suggesting is there someone you can stay with for a few days to get some space. Your partner will then see that she has indeed pushed you into moving out (even if temporarily) and might reconsider what she said. If she changes her mind then things need to be on your terms as well. I'd say - let me deal with the kids.

I have a teenager as well (although not a girl) and they can get like this, but it's often just a moment and they calm down next day and have got it out of their system. They can be entitled and demanding (normal for teenagers apparently) at times, but can also get hurt easily - emotions all over the place.

How do they normally get on with your partner? Are there issues there as well?

 

[RangersLeedsDad]

Thank you.

The girls normally get on with my partner really well. She is hurt and upset that they seem to be blaming her when she has allowed them to move in with us (her house) and she does support them with lifts when I can't due to work.

I want to be seen as strong for my girls and also for my partner. I've had pep talks from my own parents and her mum about being this.

It still doesn't help that a) On one hand I, if the kids are happy to talk and calm things down, have to tell them my partner is upset too and at the moment doesn't want them there and that carries a caveat for me, of what if my partner doesn't get over it and/or b) Because of a) I get a short term rental so I can ensure I can still see my children and live a life with my partner where we see each other but when I don't have my girls. The latter seems right to me but logically I think my own parents (nannie and grandad), her mum and my partner herself will view me as choosing the girls despite 8 years of me not daring to say boo to a goose/making plans in fear of them telling the ex-wife and her Whatsapping me nasty messages.

I had to leave the marital home and right now I think the worst thing ever was dealing with this as co parenting and without any arrangements in proper place as once I speak my mind or disagree with anything I am thrown under the bus. I am told I shouldn't speak about anxiety/stress or school or college to my own children by their mum. I'm not an ogre, maybe slightly old fashioned but I love them to bits nonetheless.

It's is an unfathomable mess and I am neither sleeping or eating properly. Maybe I do need to go away myself somewhere.

 

[Ash]

To be frank I think your partner is being unreasonable. The solution she is suggesting shows she is rejecting your kids and they will resent her for that and I can't see that's going to make for a happy life long term, keeping everything separate. Adults need to rise above things.

I would tell her you need to work as a team on this. If she won't accept that then is it a relationship? My partner would never ever make me choose between her and my son and if she did she knows I would walk.

 

[MagicJ]

Thank you.

The girls normally get on with my partner really well. She is hurt and upset that they seem to be blaming her when she has allowed them to move in with us (her house) and she does support them with lifts when I can't due to work.

I want to be seen as strong for my girls and also for my partner. I've had pep talks from my own parents and her mum about being this.

It still doesn't help that a) On one hand I, if the kids are happy to talk and calm things down, have to tell them my partner is upset too and at the moment doesn't want them there and that carries a caveat for me, of what if my partner doesn't get over it and/or b) Because of a) I get a short term rental so I can ensure I can still see my children and live a life with my partner where we see each other but when I don't have my girls. The latter seems right to me but logically I think my own parents (nannie and grandad), her mum and my partner herself will view me as choosing the girls despite 8 years of me not daring to say boo to a goose/making plans in fear of them telling the ex-wife and her Whatsapping me nasty messages.

I had to leave the marital home and right now I think the worst thing ever was dealing with this as co parenting and without any arrangements in proper place as once I speak my mind or disagree with anything I am thrown under the bus. I am told I shouldn't speak about anxiety/stress or school or college to my own children by their mum. I'm not an ogre, maybe slightly old fashioned but I love them to bits nonetheless.

It's is an unfathomable mess and I am neither sleeping or eating properly. Maybe I do need to go away myself somewhere.

A decision should never be made in haste.

You cannot change the situation that occured and your reaction with the girls but that is just a teaching moment for us as Dad's.

Every day is a fresh opportunity, we learn from every sting and once you've settled on what that lesson is for you and your situation, you can then take the next steps with the girls.

If you can get away for a few days, take that chance and see how that impacts your perspective.

My understanding on the girls ages though is, you should no longer be worried about not having a formal arrangement at 16 & 18 they vote with their feet as youve already pointed out.

As Ash notes, weve all made sacrifices for our children, the parents on this forum more than most, I've held off exploring great relationships for me because I've seen it will push a wedge between me and my girls (7-11).

There are a lot of good women out there and as a Dad, it's as important for you as it is the girls, that you know exactly what you wish to prioritise in your life and that any partner aligns to that - there is no right answer and only you can answer what this means for you.

Thanks for sharing, I hope you are able to resolve the issue, your situation is the one I get anxiety about when I think about the future with my two!

 

[MagicJ]

Hi @RangersLeedsDad , how are you getting on, did you manage to reconnect with your Daughters after the above?