Hi All,
My ex has been trying to find a way of associating child abuse with my name for a long time. My kid (7) has always been affectionate with me and loves physical play: jumping on me, climbing on my shoulders, hanging off of me, asking me to be the "tickle-monster"... All innocent normal stuff. My ex has tried to make something of the child choosing to kiss me on the lips, the child complains to me that mum will not allow a kiss on the lips. I've had stuff about this and tickling in court applications and solicitor letters for ages.
Recently the school updated me about the child bringing up stuff to do with consent and feeling embarrassed in 121 meetings with staff. My ex is pumping these issues into the child as a means of dragging my name through the mud. I also get very inappropriate questions regarding sex from the child - stuff around me putting my penis in mummy, me being naked with mummy... I don't get drawn into these topics, just show surprise and say that is not for talking about with a child. The child clams up when I ask where the questions come from in the same way that happens whenever mum is the source.
The school will talk to mum as well, but spoke to me first. I did tell them there is a context, these issues have come up before. We agreed the kid is too young for some of the concepts she is dealing with. School was really good and kept it all in proportion, we had a nice broad chat. Mum will probably have a field day when she gets the chance to put her poison into the mix on this.
Ok, here is the draft, any thoughts greatly appreciated:
"Dear Headteacher,
Thanks for giving me an immediate update on XXXX's discussion with Mx SENCO about consent and feeling embarrassed. She does pick up on adult themes from somewhere and run with them. I am writing to let you know about XXXX's conversations with me that day.
When we left the school XXXX spoke in detail about her meeting with Mx SENCO, and about you joining the meeting. She told me there was one time she felt embarrassed by giving me a kiss in the playground. She also mentioned one time she asked me to tickle her but then wanted me to stop. According to XXXX, both happened about a year ago.
After you and Mx SENCO met with me, I walked over to XXXX and said "hello little one." She blushed massively and gave me a telling off because I said that in front of her friend, XXXXXXX. Afterwards I asked her how to avoid making her feel uncomfortable, what type of things I shouldn't say. We have spoken about this before and she has made clear the names she does not like: pet name 1, and pet name 2 are not allowed. She has now decided that 'little one' is bad because she is not little any more. But, 'pet name 3, 4 and 5 [all soppier and more childish] are fine. This is a bit like what you were saying about her eagerness to perform in front of people and her fear of performing, doesn't add up easily. I'll just be mindful that she is currently prone to feeling self-conscious.
I think XXXX is having some strong feelings at present and they are confusing. Her need for acceptance and approval from peers ties in with this. I will keep speaking to her about her comfort levels and encouraging her to share any concerns. I have again told her clearly that it is always up to her if she wants to kiss or hug, and she can decide. She is not consistent in what she says about this, so it is down to making clear how she feels in the moment.
Please can you update me on the work Mx SENCO is doing with XXXX. I was not informed of an intervention since the ELSA sessions some time ago.
Sorry if this is too long, I wanted to share things so the school knows how this is being handled. I am always happy to talk with the school and to coordinate what we are doing.
Thanks again for sharing the information with me and for reassuring XXXX on things.
BW..."
The school have been very supportive of me, I think they have the measure of mum to some degree. My records with police, social services, DBS, are all clean as a whistle. There are police records of me raising concerns about mum saying inappropriate stuff to the child and various other bits in the past. I know the draft email is long, but it is the only way I have of creating a paper trail.
Thanks for reading, I look forward to any responses.
EDIT
Support from the school has been right up to the point of fighting my corner against ex's solicitors
My ex has been trying to find a way of associating child abuse with my name for a long time. My kid (7) has always been affectionate with me and loves physical play: jumping on me, climbing on my shoulders, hanging off of me, asking me to be the "tickle-monster"... All innocent normal stuff. My ex has tried to make something of the child choosing to kiss me on the lips, the child complains to me that mum will not allow a kiss on the lips. I've had stuff about this and tickling in court applications and solicitor letters for ages.
Recently the school updated me about the child bringing up stuff to do with consent and feeling embarrassed in 121 meetings with staff. My ex is pumping these issues into the child as a means of dragging my name through the mud. I also get very inappropriate questions regarding sex from the child - stuff around me putting my penis in mummy, me being naked with mummy... I don't get drawn into these topics, just show surprise and say that is not for talking about with a child. The child clams up when I ask where the questions come from in the same way that happens whenever mum is the source.
The school will talk to mum as well, but spoke to me first. I did tell them there is a context, these issues have come up before. We agreed the kid is too young for some of the concepts she is dealing with. School was really good and kept it all in proportion, we had a nice broad chat. Mum will probably have a field day when she gets the chance to put her poison into the mix on this.
Ok, here is the draft, any thoughts greatly appreciated:
"Dear Headteacher,
Thanks for giving me an immediate update on XXXX's discussion with Mx SENCO about consent and feeling embarrassed. She does pick up on adult themes from somewhere and run with them. I am writing to let you know about XXXX's conversations with me that day.
When we left the school XXXX spoke in detail about her meeting with Mx SENCO, and about you joining the meeting. She told me there was one time she felt embarrassed by giving me a kiss in the playground. She also mentioned one time she asked me to tickle her but then wanted me to stop. According to XXXX, both happened about a year ago.
After you and Mx SENCO met with me, I walked over to XXXX and said "hello little one." She blushed massively and gave me a telling off because I said that in front of her friend, XXXXXXX. Afterwards I asked her how to avoid making her feel uncomfortable, what type of things I shouldn't say. We have spoken about this before and she has made clear the names she does not like: pet name 1, and pet name 2 are not allowed. She has now decided that 'little one' is bad because she is not little any more. But, 'pet name 3, 4 and 5 [all soppier and more childish] are fine. This is a bit like what you were saying about her eagerness to perform in front of people and her fear of performing, doesn't add up easily. I'll just be mindful that she is currently prone to feeling self-conscious.
I think XXXX is having some strong feelings at present and they are confusing. Her need for acceptance and approval from peers ties in with this. I will keep speaking to her about her comfort levels and encouraging her to share any concerns. I have again told her clearly that it is always up to her if she wants to kiss or hug, and she can decide. She is not consistent in what she says about this, so it is down to making clear how she feels in the moment.
Please can you update me on the work Mx SENCO is doing with XXXX. I was not informed of an intervention since the ELSA sessions some time ago.
Sorry if this is too long, I wanted to share things so the school knows how this is being handled. I am always happy to talk with the school and to coordinate what we are doing.
Thanks again for sharing the information with me and for reassuring XXXX on things.
BW..."
The school have been very supportive of me, I think they have the measure of mum to some degree. My records with police, social services, DBS, are all clean as a whistle. There are police records of me raising concerns about mum saying inappropriate stuff to the child and various other bits in the past. I know the draft email is long, but it is the only way I have of creating a paper trail.
Thanks for reading, I look forward to any responses.
EDIT
Support from the school has been right up to the point of fighting my corner against ex's solicitors
Last edited:
