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DIVORCE!!!
- Thread starter Aqua29
- Start date
Hi, welcome.
That's a big broad question and to be helpful you will need to be specific.
Brief details on your family set up and respective occupational status then focused questions please. The process is easily searched but if you want opinions on particular aspects please define.
Thanks, SS.
That's a big broad question and to be helpful you will need to be specific.
Brief details on your family set up and respective occupational status then focused questions please. The process is easily searched but if you want opinions on particular aspects please define.
Thanks, SS.
Ok, childrens' ages?
Re house, are you Tenants in Common on the deeds? Did the house exist before marriage? What current value and % mortgage?
Re occupations, similar earning levels or not?
SS.
Re house, are you Tenants in Common on the deeds? Did the house exist before marriage? What current value and % mortgage?
Re occupations, similar earning levels or not?
SS.
This is a time to tread carefully. She has already says she thinks she should keep the house and the kids. This doesn't just come down to who owns what or who earns the most - it comes down to things people can do to achieve what they want. Your ex may think (or have seen info on Mums sites) that this is what should happen. And may also have seen the ways a Mum can achieve this.
What you need to be very very careful of right now is, not being accused of anything (which some Mothers do to get an occupation order and get the Dad out of the house - whoever owns it). Avoid arguments and conflicts. Keep your cards close to your chest. Change all your passwords for any personal accounts of yours (especially your email and phone). Start keeping a record of things that have been said or things that have happened. This could be evidence that protects you in future and verifies certain things. One way is to email yourself a "diary note". As an email it will be date and time stamped and you then just file it in a folder (call the folder whatever you want). It can be helpful for remembering things later too.
If and when you separate it's also about arrangements for the kids. Some stbx's see it as - I keep the kids - you pay full Child Maintenance for them (which you're obliged to pay whether she is working or not).
We usually advice getting arrangements for the kids sorted before moving out (and avoid being thrown out until you have something legal in place re the kids). This affects everything else. It means she can't withold the kids to blackmail you for a greater share of the finances as part of the divorce. It avoids the kids getting caught up in months of stress.
It is perfectly possible to have a Child Arrangements order in place, before you move out. Unless you can agree a situation where you live separately in the same place for the long term, someone is going to have to move out. Ex thinks she shouldn't have to. You think you shouldn't have to as it's in your name.
It will be classed as the "former marital home" and even if it's in your name she will be seen to have an interest in it most likely.
In a way there are two separate things going on - divorce and finances is one - child arrangements is the other.
I would suggest you try and start mediation with your ex saying you want to agree things for the kids as and when you separate. She will probably want to discuss house and finances. If she won't make an agreement regarding time with the kids after separation then you can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements order - regardless of whether divorce proceedings have started or not.
If you can try and keep things amicable - do - even if it means acting - to protect yourself in the longer term.
All your ex has to do is accuse you of being violent and get an urgent occupation order to get you out of the house, while she stays there with the kids. Then it's an uphill struggle to get a child arrangements order (and to cope).
I don't have much time right now but will post more later. Have a think about and imagine a life where you and ex live in separate houses (somehow) and the kids go back and forth between you with two separate lives. How would you want this to be? Would you want them equal time (which seems reasonable when you're both working) or would you just want them at week-ends and a midweek overnight? Half the time would be every other week-end plus two midweek nights (and half the school holidays). There are many ways this can work, even if you're working full time.
What you need to be very very careful of right now is, not being accused of anything (which some Mothers do to get an occupation order and get the Dad out of the house - whoever owns it). Avoid arguments and conflicts. Keep your cards close to your chest. Change all your passwords for any personal accounts of yours (especially your email and phone). Start keeping a record of things that have been said or things that have happened. This could be evidence that protects you in future and verifies certain things. One way is to email yourself a "diary note". As an email it will be date and time stamped and you then just file it in a folder (call the folder whatever you want). It can be helpful for remembering things later too.
If and when you separate it's also about arrangements for the kids. Some stbx's see it as - I keep the kids - you pay full Child Maintenance for them (which you're obliged to pay whether she is working or not).
We usually advice getting arrangements for the kids sorted before moving out (and avoid being thrown out until you have something legal in place re the kids). This affects everything else. It means she can't withold the kids to blackmail you for a greater share of the finances as part of the divorce. It avoids the kids getting caught up in months of stress.
It is perfectly possible to have a Child Arrangements order in place, before you move out. Unless you can agree a situation where you live separately in the same place for the long term, someone is going to have to move out. Ex thinks she shouldn't have to. You think you shouldn't have to as it's in your name.
It will be classed as the "former marital home" and even if it's in your name she will be seen to have an interest in it most likely.
In a way there are two separate things going on - divorce and finances is one - child arrangements is the other.
I would suggest you try and start mediation with your ex saying you want to agree things for the kids as and when you separate. She will probably want to discuss house and finances. If she won't make an agreement regarding time with the kids after separation then you can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements order - regardless of whether divorce proceedings have started or not.
If you can try and keep things amicable - do - even if it means acting - to protect yourself in the longer term.
All your ex has to do is accuse you of being violent and get an urgent occupation order to get you out of the house, while she stays there with the kids. Then it's an uphill struggle to get a child arrangements order (and to cope).
I don't have much time right now but will post more later. Have a think about and imagine a life where you and ex live in separate houses (somehow) and the kids go back and forth between you with two separate lives. How would you want this to be? Would you want them equal time (which seems reasonable when you're both working) or would you just want them at week-ends and a midweek overnight? Half the time would be every other week-end plus two midweek nights (and half the school holidays). There are many ways this can work, even if you're working full time.
Tenants in Common refers not to landlord/tenant but house ownership. Look it up on Google, along with the other phrases regarding this aspect, then look it up on the deeds for the house.
SS.
If he owns the house himself it will just be as sole owner. But yes Stay Strong is right - tenants in common is a way of having joint ownership with both parties separately owning a half of the house (which they can will separately) as opposed to the usual joint tenants (usual for a married couple) which means that they both own the house in its entirety and if one dies the other automatically owns the house (ie their half can't be willed elsewhere). Whether married or not.
I appreciate all the information so far, and it became physical (on her part) today ahead of me reaching out on this forum. Unfortunately the only witness is our 16 year old son but that’s an absolute dead end if I were to involve the police.
I will start documenting events and recording as much as I can. I will raise the conversation of the arrangements for the children and try to get it in writing. With regards to the house, is selling an option?
I will start documenting events and recording as much as I can. I will raise the conversation of the arrangements for the children and try to get it in writing. With regards to the house, is selling an option?
NO.
You will be screwed over without going thru the proper channels ie Financial Remedy thru Court. Plan for this being a 10/12 month timescale (Court)....then the FMH is on the market.
I also suggest you do not have the conversation suggested above but instead seek a Mediator and get your MIAM under your belt
You need to stay calm and keep contact to a minimum and only now related to the needs and care of your 2yr old (& 16yr old as applicable).
Take care of yourself too. SS.
Make a diary note about what happened but write it as if it's a formal report (ie keep emotion out of it) - in case you need to show it to someone else at some point.
So something like - This evening while trying to discuss life after separation, Ex name became very angry and attacked me, punching me in the chest. Son name was there and saw this. I retreated to another room to avoid further conflict.
In the real world you might think it's equal and women can just as easily be the perpetrators. In family court it's not like that - if you accuse the ex of anything it will count against you as a future co parent. If she accuses you of anything, you just deny it and keep to a mantra "I just want the children to have happy loving relationships with both parents".
Yes start mediation asap. Google family mediators in your area, phone round them and make an early appointment or with the one you like the sound of. A mediator should make clear to your ex that if she doesn't agree reasonable arrangements for the children with you after separation, you could apply to court and the court would give you a standard order for time - so it's better to reach agreements and draw up a parenting plan.
You said the two year old is your child together. What about the 16 year old?