Distraction from court proceedings

[Altitude60]

I know many of you might understand the pain and frustration that comes with being separated from your child. I’ve been going through this for two months now, and it’s been incredibly hard. My mind is constantly on my child and the court process, filled with “what ifs” and worries about whether I’ll get the Child Arrangements Order I’ve applied for. While I’m grateful there haven’t been any false allegations against me, it’s still very early in the process, and the stress is overwhelming.

These thoughts and worries keep me up at night, leaving me completely exhausted, even though the court proceedings have barely begun. It’s starting to affect my career as well something I’ve worked so hard to build but now I’m falling behind because I can’t seem to focus on anything other than my case.

I’m reaching out to ask for advice on how to cope and distract myself during this difficult time. I used to enjoy going to the local pub for a pint or two with friends, especially while watching football. But I’ve stopped, worried that it might lead to accusations of alcohol abuse. I’ve tried going and just having 0% beer, but even then, I find my thoughts drifting back to court and my child.

What do you do to get through this? How do you keep your mind off everything? I could really use some guidance.

 

[Windmill51]

Firstly, I completely get it and you are not alone. I for one find it challenging and have seen it massively impact my career, I have been on autopilot for a year and half but I understand that this is going to pass and I am actively working towards that now.

In terms of keeping myself busy and what I do to help with the overthinking:

• Gym as often as you can (4x a week or whatever you can manage) I was shocked at how much it helps simply due to the fact that going after work you come back exhausted and the thinking stops as you are ready to sleep
• Weekend walks outside - I find this simple thing helps a lot with clearing the mind
• Try and see my friends fortnightly to keep my social circle alive and talk about other things, it could be for a meal, to play 5 a side, watch sport (I don't drink so that is not really an issue for me), anything really, you will find it helps to break up the routine
• TV time, I find this is helpful as well, although not a productive thing to do it usually means you are focussed on the series as opposed to thinking about the case non stop

Besides that, I do allow myself to think of the little one often really, but I do not allow it to overtake me, I think about all the positive experiences to come and ultimately the end goal and that usually helps as I tell myself this is a process that I need to work through now, it is not going to go away, I need to progress through it and ensure I can be there for my little one.

 

[Altitude60]

Firstly, I completely get it and you are not alone. I for one find it challenging and have seen it massively impact my career, I have been on autopilot for a year and half but I understand that this is going to pass and I am actively working towards that now.

In terms of keeping myself busy and what I do to help with the overthinking:

• Gym as often as you can (4x a week or whatever you can manage) I was shocked at how much it helps simply due to the fact that going after work you come back exhausted and the thinking stops as you are ready to sleep
• Weekend walks outside - I find this simple thing helps a lot with clearing the mind
• Try and see my friends fortnightly to keep my social circle alive and talk about other things, it could be for a meal, to play 5 a side, watch sport (I don't drink so that is not really an issue for me), anything really, you will find it helps to break up the routine
• TV time, I find this is helpful as well, although not a productive thing to do it usually means you are focussed on the series as opposed to thinking about the case non stop

Besides that, I do allow myself to think of the little one often really, but I do not allow it to overtake me, I think about all the positive experiences to come and ultimately the end goal and that usually helps as I tell myself this is a process that I need to work through now, it is not going to go away, I need to progress through it and ensure I can be there for my little one.

Hello, thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to know I’m not alone. This forum has been incredibly helpful, but I’m still very much lost in my thoughts. I try to stay busy, like going to the gym after work, but I often find myself thinking about my child and all the "what ifs." When I'm home.

I’ve tried different things, like getting into gaming instead of watching TV, because I would zone out in front of the screen. But even games remind me of my little one. I recently booked a weekend getaway, and it was a nice distraction until I came across a playground. I could just picture how excited my child would have been to play there, and then all those feelings came rushing back.

Honestly, I’m finding it really hard to not think about it, no matter what I try. This isn’t like me and it’s been tough to feel this way.

 

[Oneofmany]

Hello, thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to know I’m not alone. This forum has been incredibly helpful, but I’m still very much lost in my thoughts. I try to stay busy, like going to the gym after work, but I often find myself thinking about my child and all the "what ifs." When I'm home.

I’ve tried different things, like getting into gaming instead of watching TV, because I would zone out in front of the screen. But even games remind me of my little one. I recently booked a weekend getaway, and it was a nice distraction until I came across a playground. I could just picture how excited my child would have been to play there, and then all those feelings came rushing back.

Honestly, I’m finding it really hard to not think about it, no matter what I try. This isn’t like me and it’s been tough to feel this way.

Am totally with you buddy. I'm at a point where I struggle to not think about some aspect of it all. Am trying to find something to take my mind of it all too, but just cant get interested in anything. I've got people that support me but they simply dont know how shit it all is and how beaten down you get. This forum is a great way to vent. Writing down how your feeling is a great thing to do and everyone on here will be supportive as we know exactly how tough it all is

 

[Altitude60]

Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Like you, I have people who support me, and this forum has been a lifeline, but somehow I still feel so alone, if that makes sense. One question I keep asking myself is how my ex can do this with such a clear conscience. I suppose we all wrestle with that question, don’t we?

It’s been really difficult to find interest in anything that doesn’t remind me of my child we have very similar interests you see or the situation coupled with the financial fear of this spiralling i simply cant afford some of the cost people have mentioned in here i have sentimental objects of value that i could use to raise funds but these objects i always had a desire to past down to my child when they was old enough. I guess I’m just here venting now, but I really do appreciate everyone’s replies. It helps to know there are others who understand.

 

[Oneofmany]

Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Like you, I have people who support me, and this forum has been a lifeline, but somehow I still feel so alone, if that makes sense. One question I keep asking myself is how my ex can do this with such a clear conscience. I suppose we all wrestle with that question, don’t we?

It’s been really difficult to find interest in anything that doesn’t remind me of my child we have very similar interests you see or the situation coupled with the financial fear of this spiralling i simply cant afford some of the cost people have mentioned in here i have sentimental objects of value that i could use to raise funds but these objects i always had a desire to past down to my child when they was old enough. I guess I’m just here venting now, but I really do appreciate everyone’s replies. It helps to know there are others who understand.

hav PM'd ya fella

 

[JC83]

@Altitude60 i can totally relate to everything you have said. You are not alone, most of us on here are going through exactly the same thing. My friends and family have been very supportive but I don’t think anyone else understands the raw pain I am feeling, to be ripped away from my child due to a toxic, bitter ex and her nonsense allegations. It’s feels like your soul has been ripped out.

I wrestle with thoughts why the ex is doing this too. It’s hard to think how someone you loved can be so evil, that they want to crush you so badly. I’m trying to accept I’ll never really know why but it is hard not knowing.

The other chaps on here have given you some good advice. Keeping busy is what’s helping me, gym/sports, seeing friends.

Working on my case is what’s helping me get through it too. Getting evidence together to refute exs allegations should my case go to a fact find or whatever the next stage is. Makes me feel like it’s maybe going to help me be reunited with my child so gives me purpose.

I’ve been journaling my experiences too. Putting little pictures in e.g of past times, when we have recently seen each other in a family centre etc. detailing my struggles to see them and that I’ve not forgotten about them. Whether I’ll show my child this journal one day, I don’t know. But if they ever ask why I wasn’t around for a bit, it’s there to give them so they know it’s not because I didn’t want to be and they can see the hell I went through to try and keep involved in their life.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Keep posting buddy you are not alone.

 

[mva]

Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Like you, I have people who support me, and this forum has been a lifeline, but somehow I still feel so alone, if that makes sense. One question I keep asking myself is how my ex can do this with such a clear conscience. I suppose we all wrestle with that question, don’t we?

It’s been really difficult to find interest in anything that doesn’t remind me of my child we have very similar interests you see or the situation coupled with the financial fear of this spiralling i simply cant afford some of the cost people have mentioned in here i have sentimental objects of value that i could use to raise funds but these objects i always had a desire to past down to my child when they was old enough. I guess I’m just here venting now, but I really do appreciate everyone’s replies. It helps to know there are others who understand.

Your not alone . I can totally relate . Keep posting. Keep accepting this is how you feel at the moment. Take one day at a time. & remember your a good dad. The pain is because you care.

 

[Jumper85]

The gym and keeping fit and healthy was a saviour for me and as a result my mental health drastically improved and I've made a lifestyle choice despite my child proceedings finalising almost a year ago now.

 

[Altitude60]

@Altitude60 i can totally relate to everything you have said. You are not alone, most of us on here are going through exactly the same thing. My friends and family have been very supportive but I don’t think anyone else understands the raw pain I am feeling, to be ripped away from my child due to a toxic, bitter ex and her nonsense allegations. It’s feels like your soul has been ripped out.

I wrestle with thoughts why the ex is doing this too. It’s hard to think how someone you loved can be so evil, that they want to crush you so badly. I’m trying to accept I’ll never really know why but it is hard not knowing.

The other chaps on here have given you some good advice. Keeping busy is what’s helping me, gym/sports, seeing friends.

Working on my case is what’s helping me get through it too. Getting evidence together to refute exs allegations should my case go to a fact find or whatever the next stage is. Makes me feel like it’s maybe going to help me be reunited with my child so gives me purpose.

I’ve been journaling my experiences too. Putting little pictures in e.g of past times, when we have recently seen each other in a family centre etc. detailing my struggles to see them and that I’ve not forgotten about them. Whether I’ll show my child this journal one day, I don’t know. But if they ever ask why I wasn’t around for a bit, it’s there to give them so they know it’s not because I didn’t want to be and they can see the hell I went through to try and keep involved in their life.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Keep posting buddy you are not alone.

Thank you for your kind words. The pain is truly unbearable. I honestly believe that her decision to cut my contact was influenced more by others' opinions than by her own. I’m still in the early stages of my application, just waiting for the CAFCASS call, but I already feel exhausted at the thought of possibly facing false allegations. This entire situation has broken me. Yet, I still hold onto the hope that, with professional guidance and some distance from these outside influences, we can find a way to reach an agreement. Working on my 5b statement has helped a lot though I spent way too much time on it, it became a coping mechanism for me, so I completely understand what you mean by that.

 

[JC83]

Thank you for your kind words. The pain is truly unbearable. I honestly believe that her decision to cut my contact was influenced more by others' opinions than by her own. I’m still in the early stages of my application, just waiting for the CAFCASS call, but I already feel exhausted at the thought of possibly facing false allegations. This entire situation has broken me. Yet, I still hold onto the hope that, with professional guidance and some distance from these outside influences, we can find a way to reach an agreement. Working on my 5b statement has helped a lot though I spent way too much time on it, it became a coping mechanism for me, so I completely understand what you mean by that.

Hopefully you won’t have any false allegations but be prepared for them. Keep posting on here. Lots of good advice re how to handle the Cafcass call. I’ve got my fhdra coming up soon and am so nervous.

 

[Altitude60]

Hopefully you won’t have any false allegations but be prepared for them. Keep posting on here. Lots of good advice re how to handle the Cafcass call. I’ve got my fhdra coming up soon and am so nervous.

I'm prepared I think not much I can do apart from prove there not true if they do arise , I'm nervous about the caffcass call researched it alot but still hasn't put my mind at ease , let me know how your fhdra goes I hope it goes well for you are you LIP.

 

[JC83]

are you LIP.

thanks. I have a direct access barrister. The general advice on here is if you can afford to get a barrister they can really help you outcome having said that, some dads have done really well on here recently as LIPs, including winning fact finds, and come out with great CAOs.

With regards to Cafcass, the main tips which I’m sure you will have read are don’t slag off the ex, and repeat the manta I just want our child to have happy loving homes/relationships with both parents. Sound positive about co-parenting.