Dealing with the fear and uncertainty of what the future holds for the father-child relationship

[proud_dad]

Dads,

For those of you that have ex's that do everything to break the father-child relationship, how do you cope with fear and uncertainty?

My children are my life. I give them 1000000000%, yet I know that there is a very strong chance that the ex will destroy our relationship through physical obstacles, manipulation of the kids, and constant harassment. The path ahead looks so dark and gloomy. What are your coping mechanisms?

Thanks!

 

[Ash]

Sorry you are having all this fear and uncertainty. I don't think many people cope with that well. Over time I have found it helps to

1) Enjoy every moment your kids are with you and ensure they see a happy, safe normal environment (not always easy if you feel anxious but important to them. Accept there will be some uncertainty sometimes. Kind of - live for the day.

2) Always have a plan b) - if you expect the ex to do something, be prepared to jump. It helps to feel in control by keeping records etc.

What are you most afraid of? Not seeing them enough? Or them gradually being turned against you (the two can go together as well). I think its important to ensure there is regular and significant time to prevent any opportunity for them being turned against you.

 

[proud_dad]

I am scared that they 1) they are being used as weapons to hurt me, which ultimately psychologically hurts them and 2) losing them from my life when I have so much to give to them.

 

[Ash]

I was once told that fear becomes worse with inaction. When you do something about it you stop feeling fearful. But take a day or two to get your head clear maybe. Because rushed action isn't good either. I try to filter out some of the nasty rubbish my ex does into categories - one category is just unpleasant and son can detach and see the reality. Another category is more serious when it causes stress to him (ie not being able to come). She hasn't stopped you seeing them has she?

 

[Ash]

It is so wrong that Dads have to go through this when all we want is to parent our kids. Keeping the ex onside can help - ie trying (while biting your tongue and kicking yourself) to be reasonable and amicable however difficult they are - so the kids see that. Kids also can start doing that themselves - trying to stop Mum going ballistic by being low key for a bit but keeping loyalty to you - and managing to talk her round a bit. On a good day.

One day at a time.

Post hearing is also a very stressful time. Take care of yourself.

 

[proud_dad]

It is wrong and criminal.

The children who are ultimately being punished, growing up damaged.

 

[JJ58]

It is wrong. You can't change someone's personality but a court order can make them behave to a degree. I don't understand why ex's can't just happily agree to 50/50 - gives them more time. I think with difficult exes it's about control - and sometimes anger and wanting to punish you. Back to not being able to change their personality - it's childish and vindictive - to use children to get at you.

I sometimes feel sad and guilty that my kid isn't having a more normal life without hassle but we do our best for them. Giving up on them wouldn't do them any favours either.

50/50 legal shared care at the time of separation would prevent a lot of problems and need for court cases. And why not?! The kids are 50/50 of each parent, both parents are equally important to them (although some women seem to think otherwise).

The important thing, to help them grow up as normal as possible - is that they have one parent who is normal - and as much time as possible with you to show them both parents aren't like that.

 

[proud_dad]

I agree - 50/50 by default if there are no safeguarding issues. Strong punishments for parents that clearly breach an order as a detterent.

 

[Ash]

What kind of punishments would work? Despite a Judge saying quite a few years ago "three strikes and it's jail" or some such thing - it seems to have gone the other way. They don't like sending Mothers to prison. I reckon it should be suspended residence clause at the second breach. They won't like that either as they don't like transferring residency unless things are really serious. So shared care 50/50 at second breach and suspended residency clause at third breach. That way kids are already used to 50/50 (if it's being followed - if it's not then it should be transfer of residency anyway).

 

[ESU]

I am new to this forum but am going through separation and child arrangement hearings. I already am feeling the detachment of once very close relationship with one of my daughters ( 11 years old). All sort of reasons behind this, their mother got mental illness which I suspect has been planted in my daughter's gene; her mother is doing things to alienating her against me; she is going through puberty; she has developed ACE ( Adverse childhood experience) having witnessed the parents' relationship deteriorating, etc, etc. I found it useful, though, if you can afford it, to seek counselling for every one, the child, the mother, and the dad as well. Children do talk more comfortably with a counsellor than with the parents because they understand it is an "independent" 3rd party who is trying to help. Through the counselling I understand more what my daughter thinks and dealing with the situation more calmly and patiently, and I can see the good result bit by bit. And remember, always try to keep your presence in front of the children as much as possible, so that they won't forget you. That is why I am trying my utmost to fight for a 50/50 child arrangement. Good luck to everyone.