Of all the difficult things I came to understand and expected to happen after I got divorced, which mostly did, the one thing that has really hurt, and is the most difficult to accept is that my older daughter (13 this Oct)- from my previous marriage- wishes not to have anything to do with her half brother who is 4 and lives nearby. I totally get it. We have talked a lot about it- but her ultimate stance on things is she's not ready, and I sense recently that this is going to be how things are for a very long time to come. For myself it's naturally very difficult to see my daughter -who has always wished for a brother or sister- to miss out on having the next best thing. (she has no full siblings btw). Term times I visit her once during the week and most of the day Saturday, and we do some holidays together, just the two of us. I'm on quite good terms with her mum these days and that in part is where things are getting stuck I suspect. My daughter often has her mum and dad at home like the ol' days even though it's brief.- So why would she shake all that up and have to deal with the other reality of the situation? There's of course more back story which I won't dwell on -unless asked- but I'm curious if anyone else has some advice about bringing half siblings together, or just to hear someone else's experiences successes or fails. It's hard. Most of my day-to-day life is a total mystery to my daughter- aside from these short moments I have with her- and I know she is very saddened by how little time we have. She has been given the choice in this all along which I accept. (Maybe 20 years ago it would of been different). But I've been subjected to many different opinions (even from counsellors) on this- but I can see it's right in the case of my daughter. I don't want to compel her to do something she doesn't want to do. Yet -I'm worried as sometimes it's so hard that I get so angry/frustrated and feel like moving far away and just saying. 'hey if you want to see me you need to come and stay her for the weekend, or the week and get to know your brother and just suck it up.' But I kind of know how that would play out and my ex can into lockdown/mean quite quickly. Plus I think she deep down she really doesn't want my daughter to take that step and to meet my current partner or her brother, though she says that she will never obstruct my daughters wishes. I know where everyone is coming - its been hard for everyone so I'm not angry at anyone but -just utter despair sometime as to what to do. Thanks for reading thins far. Bests ciro
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Dealing with half siblings, and partners..
- Thread starter Ciro1974
- Start date
That is the crux of the matter. Especially the last bit. Your daughter's wishes are influenced by her Mum - whether consciously or subconsciously. Also, most children of divorce secretly want their parents back together, so by only seeing you at ex's house or away from your normal life, that is allowing that myth to continue. What usually happens is children adjust to having separated parents, two homes and two families, by moving between homes.
Would your ex never agree to overnights? Or is there some back story? Even if you left and had an affair, that shouldn't prevent your daughter spending time with both parents.
However she is 13 now so nobody is going to be able to tell her what to do - even family court would say she can decide for herself at that age.
So rather than ultimatums you are maybe going to have to be a bit strategic. Not exactly what you said in the first quote because if you invite her for the week-end she'll just say no. And ultimately this comes down to you and your ex arranging what is going to happen and it sounds like it's all on ex's terms - just see her there once a week or on Saturdays.
This isn't going to make your new family life any easier if you go off on your own on Saturdays and your partner and other child aren't included.
I think it's going to be hard to change an existing routine though. If you stop going over and say - family life and work are very busy but she's welcome to come over whenever she wants or stay over the odd time - then your ex might say to her - he's putting his other family before you - so she feels abandoned or resentful.
I think the first thing to do would be discuss this with your ex as she will have influence over your daughter and it's probably down to her anyway.
Maybe say to her - you're finding having two separate lives is causing problems for you both in your work and home life and of course you want to spend time with your daughter regularly but would prefer her to come to you the odd time and suggest that next Saturday you give it a miss and your daughter comes over.
How is your partner coping with it? Mine gave me an ultimatum at one point - when I had to see my son alone in the early days and go over to ex's.
On the other hand, your daughter is growing up - by 15 or 16 she may be a bit more independent of her Mother. But daughters do tend to stay best pals with their Mothers so maybe not.
One thing I will say though is it's very common for an ex to be anti the child mixing with another woman (new partner) and a half sibling - as they can't stand the idea of you all playing happy families and a lot of ex's are jealous of a stepmother being in the mix. Has your partner ever met your daughter?
When you do see your daughter, do you talk about your partner and other child? Or show her photos? Or is it literally like two separate lives and she imagines you just come and go and doesn't think about your other life? Maybe it's time to have a talk with her about relationships - how parents sometimes change and love other people but they all love their children the same. And you have two children and love them both with all your heart, equally - but it makes you sad that you can't ever see them both at the same time. ie make it about your feelings. But be careful there, it would have to be handled carefully.
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Dear Ash. This is a really insightful and perceptive response. Thank you!! I really appreciate it. To reply to a few of your comments- Yes, it is a burden on my partner but she is being really supportive these days - and it's true she has not met my daughter yet. I think ultimately it is what you say- My ex does not want my daughter to go off and be happy families and have contact with my partner. period. My ex is not one to talk about anything difficult even when we were together, and all my attempts to discuss our situation exactly as you suggested are just met with a deflection or silence- or 'my daughter will decide when she is ready'. My D is also quite the mini-mum and very loyal and I sense a strong degree of fear of upsetting her (which is typical I guess in a broken family as things seem so fragile), which I also remember well myself. She is someone who has always had a lot of long term serious health complications that have never really been shared. A real tough cookie in that regard- but often emotionally closed off too. (which is kind of the back story) So as you can imagine it makes things super hard. There have, however, been moments of hope/insight from my daughter. Once she came in a room when I was on a video call with my son and partner- albiet not a great connection- she stayed for a minute and even said hello. Then later that day became extremely anxious about her mum finding out. (I sorted it out for her before she got home.) + She's often scanned though my phone pics and seen pictures of my son, and my screen saver and I talk about him a little every time we hang out (deliberately to keep him in the picture). Sometimes she engages and laughs at a story about him but she has also told me many times she wishes I didn't talk about him. Or she just changes the subject. Apart from waiting it out until she is older, and crossing my fingers for her to have an epiphany, I was thinking to have a heart to heart soon with her. But this time, rather than asking her again about how she feels about meeting him etc etc. and how hard it is for everyone (which totally stressed her out -and that's clearly not the way to go) - to talk more about the choice that she has been given, the choice to live with the awkwardness, unknown, or 'weirdness' as she once described it, and the choice to try to look over the fence and imagine what life could be like in the future ,and that she has the power to change it all and for everything to be less 'weird' when she has had enough. I guess she needs to want 'something' enough to have be able find courage to face the fears. At the moment all she has are very complex confusing feeling that are easier to avoid. Ok dodgy analogy warning- but it's amazing how long kids can hang on to a dangly old rotten tooth, miss out on so many snacks, just to avoid the pain of pulling it out. She went 9 months once- yet I've seen her do the most courageous and mature things on stage and at school. Bless.