Cross-continent separation.

[salvationofpain]

Hi.
Background:
My ex-wife and I had a tricky relationship. But it finally disintegrated in August 2022.
We had a son who was 1 and a half years old at the time. He is now three.
At the time, we were living in the UK. My wife went on holiday to Canada for three months and said she was coming back. She never did.
I don't know fully what happened out there. But I presume her family persuaded her to stay and not to go back to me.
I did have some mental health problems at the time that I addressed.
She did allow me to have video chats with our son. So I have never lost contact fully.
I spent two months in Canada. My ex only allowed me to see our son in a Supervision Centre, alleging a lot of things I definitely do not recognise, including some pretty horrendous things.
I'm a student so I agonised a lot and eventually and slowly decided to apply for the Hague International Convention of Child Abduction.
In April 2024 the calls stopped for a while. My ex decided that "contact was no longer beneficial".
I was certain I was going to win the case. But, I felt mean, and my wife would have had no visa in the UK. We also divorced in this time.
So eventually, with my strong legal position, in July 2024, a Settlement Order was reached.
This Settlement Order means that I have chats with our son twice a week, that I can go over there and have unsupervised contact (technically, but I am skint), and a couple of other things (that she sends me updates on his life, which she didn't do for a very long time.)

Problem:
The calls have started again.
Obviously, my son struggles with video calls. He is three and presumably does not understand why his dad is not there. Etc.
However, we have had some really nice ones. I have read stories to him, made playdough breadmakers, etc. etc. He was briefly interested in Thomas the Tank Engine and his grandma (who is with him in these calls) even facilitated this interest by buying him toys. He wanted me to read "Thomas stories" to him.

But recently we have had not had a nice chat for a long time. For a couple of weeks.
Every call, he just says "bye bye, [name]". He does not call me dad. (I'd like him to but one time we had a chat and he said he prefers calling me my first name.)
I always make sure I'm prepared, with a story or an instrument or something to do. But he just says 'bye bye'.
And that's it. That's my entire contact with my son.
I'm struggling because I think it does feel like this is becoming a pattern. Like he's actually consciously decided to reject me.
At one point he said "I don't want to talk to you".
At the start of the calls he said "You're not my daddy. So-and-so's my daddy". But as I say we have had some nice ones.
What can I do? Do I just push on and let him say goodbye? Do I try something new?
I guess, at the heart of this, is the fact that he's three. Some of this is presumably the normal ways that toddlers test. But I'm not sure how much of this is normal.
I really don't know. I feel like he's absorbed a lot of resentment against me from those around him. I just wish he realised that I'm a good man and just want to be a safe, reliable presence in his life.

 

[salvationofpain]

I should say as well that I'm pretty sure my ex has a new man. I think he has a step-dad. But I don't know for definite and I currently have no real way of finding that out, nor anything.

 

[Ash]

It definitely does sound like she has a new man and he has a step-dad and he's been told to call you by your Christian name and presumably call the other guy Dad. My ex did that exactly. The difference was I saw my son every few days and I would correct the rubbish he had been told. He carried on calling me Daddy when with me (which was normal for him) but said he had to call me by my Christian name at ex's house.

This is a difficult one if she is living in another country. She's taking advantage of the distance. I think a better initial order could have been made in that she could bring him to you once or twice a year.

All I can suggest is you return to court and ask for holiday time with your son in the Uk. It sucks if you can't afford the international travel though.

 

[salvationofpain]

Thanks. Yes that's what I've been thinking, it really seems that way. I think that's sensible and confirms my suspicions. Thanks.

Part of the order is that she is bringing him to the UK for a single month in Summer 2025. I forgot to mention that. But she dug her heels in and insisted on a lot of control there, so I don't get him fully, I get him kind of on a "full-time" basis but he still lives with her on weekends and evenings. (i.e. no sleep overs etc.)

I think maybe again this type of thing makes total sense if she's got a new man. He gets to come back to his step dad in the evenings and weekends and she can pretend all that time is just school or whatever.

Also for at least a week it has to be supervised contact.

I think I'm going to have more money by that time so I'm trying to combine the holidays so maybe I go to Canada a month before they come here. So he has continuity with his dad as an actual physical presence.

I'm a PhD student and teach at a uni casually.

I guess one solution is just keep powering through the video calls and let him say goodbye if he's not feeling it and then just focus on planning the actual time with him in Summer. Even if he says goodbye it's still familiarity.

Then in Summer I can do what you did. Remind him that I'm his dad and he can call me dad. Etc.

 

[salvationofpain]

Thank you. I think anyway what you've said has made me more determined to power through with these video chats and be a bit more bullish. Like just to say to your kid outright "I am your dad". Etc. I've been a bit shy.