comments welcome

[anon22]

My situation. Divorced 6 years ago, son from that relationship whom I see on a 50/50 basis, we have equal nights, court has never been involved, perfectly amicable.

Partner I met whilst going through my divorce, 1 child of her own whom I've looked after, and provided for since. We have 2 children together, so I have 3 natural children, and her child who I was going to adopt, however mother changed her mind once she realised i'd have PR for her.

So my now ex partner has a history of taking the children whenever she loses her temper etc. She is a complete narcissist who has bullied me emotionally for years, with constant threats to remove the children. I have provided for this woman without question, she has been able to work, or not work, do whatever she wanted, we lived a relatively comfortable lifestyle.

I ended the relationship with her earlier this year as she finally had broken me. She has known over all these years that I would never leave my children, but I couldn't cope with her anymore. I have looked after my children for the majority of the time up until then, when she left supposedly to visit someone and hasnt returned since. I then get served a Non Molestation Order and she is refusing any contact for me to see the children, or for my eldest to see his siblings.

She is a fantasist, and has witness statements which I have received this Monday which contain so many lies. I am trying to get through this, I have a solicitor and I have filed for a residence order. She is completely unstable and only concerned for herself. I can disprove alot of the accusations but many of them are made up in total collusion so I'm working my way through but some things are very hard to argue against when she and friend is happy to lie.

Our next time in court is early May, where we should have the 2 cases combined. I have a CAFCASS interview via phone a week prior to court. I still have my eldest 50/50 and that will never change.

She has taken the children away from him and I, she has made no accusations about my parenting. Her friends have and they are total fabrications. She has a video which she tried to use, but I hadn't done anything, and she called the police twice. From now reading her allegations and the statements and going back over texts etc there is a fairly clear pattern that she has been trying to set me up despite doing some bad things herself.

She has called the police and taken the kids before.

It's not the first time she has done this, (other child's Father) hence the worry about court, setting me up with this small video she has etc.

Life has been a nightmare with her, and I'm the most doting gentle Dad even if I do say that myself. My parents know what she is like, her mother does and is on my side also but is obviously not getting involved court wise.

I face having to defend myself against outright lies which is obviously extremely stressful. Our youngest is 18 months old and such a daddies boy, she could not settle him, i did it every night, I got him milk, if he needed settling in the night i did it, sometimes he needed to sleep in bed with me and would do so lying on my chest etc.

She has been unable to cope with the kids, shes very resentful of them but uses them against me, the amount of times she's threatened to take them away is how she abused me all this time. I do have some messages she has sent which support that.

My solicitor is saying she wont get away with it, but i'm absolutely petrified. She had to leave when she did, as I was purchasing a second house to move to which had 1 week left until completion, I was happy for her to stay in our family home which I own with the children, but she knew then she would have a much more difficult time to move.

Any advice or comments welcome. Thankyou

 

[anon22]

Also, I was due to adopt her daughter last year, I haven't seen the adoption report but it apparently showed me in a very good light. A week before the order was due to be granted, which the social worker had told me would be a formality, she withdrew her consent for it as she began to realise that I would have equal parental responsibility for her daughter, and that it would make her stunts a little more difficult to pull off. I then withdrew the application. We haven't been yet able to get that in as evidence it will be requested in our next hearing.

 

[Ash]

I'll reply later - a bit tied up right now.

 

[Ash]

Really sorry you've had no replies yet - it's been a bit hectic for me last few days! Just wanted to say - you are not alone. Many Dads have had similar. Good that you've had legal advice. I've edited your post a bit to remove any aspects that could identify you but want to reassure you that no-one can read posts on here publicly - only registered members can read posts, and you can also ask to have someone blocked from registering (PM me their details if you're worried they might find this forum).

At the moment your details are similar to many others on here and I don't think it identifies you.

Understandably it's petrifying someone trying to stop you seeing your kids and preventing you seeing them. But good you feel confident it will always be 50/50 with the eldest. Has she actually agreed to that or is it court ordered?

If you feel you need support over any kind of actual abuse that's affecting you, suggest you contact the Mankind Initiative. They are very good and can actually help you get legal aid possibly for court.

Courts also recognise that the breakdown of any marriage involves arguments and disagreements but it's also very common for an ex to take out an NMO and put you on the backfoot to start with. The whole NMO system is a travesty - a woman can apply for an urgent NMO without any evidence - as an emergency. However it usually goes to a further hearing where you can defend yourself and try to get it dismissed. Yes it does sound like she has set you up in preparation for this. That would be difficult to prove and probably the best thing now is to have no contact with her (so you don't breach the NMO). Where are you now living? You mentioned a second home.

To get to the nitty gritty what you now need is a Child Arrangements order to ensure you see the kids and she has to comply - it can work so there is minimal contact between you and your ex. You are highly unlikely to get sole care (residency) unless you can prove your ex is a danger to the kids (drink, drugs or a documented history of violence) or social services have determined she is a risk to the kids. It will be seen as parents falling out and separating. So what you need to go for is 50/50 shared care. I would say that is the most you can expect at this stage. If there are then further issues you could then look at applying for sole care with you and only "spends time with" the Mother. But one step at a time.

As regards your stepchild - this is a tricky area. It is uncertain whether you'd get an order for your stepchild unless your ex agrees. Do you have a copy of the report from social services - if not try and get them to send you a copy. That could be good evidence. I know of another Dad who had this situation and was unable to get an order for his stepchild - unfortunately step parents are not legal parents. However if the child's Dad agreed to it you might have a chance there.

It's a highly stressful and emotional situation but try and keep focused on getting arrangements for the children - whatever your ex has done. If there are two houses that makes things less complicated - both you and your ex can have a home with the kids and the kids have two homes and move between them. But you want to be applying for 50/50 shared care.

If she makes allegations to the court (which sounds likely) then they will probably do a section 7 report and investigate and then it will go to a final hearing where you get your order. It can take about 9 months in total - sometimes a bit longer. But at the first hearing you try and get an interim order - so you have arrangements until investigations are complete and it goes to a final hearing.

It is very very common for an ex to make allegations a) to get free lawyers via legal aid (only one parent can have that) and b) to try and win - because they want to keep the kids and get rid of you.

By law, the children have a right to regular and significant time with both parents, after separation, providing there are no welfare issues (ie both parents are safe for the kids).

You're supposed to have tried mediation before you can apply to court. The only legal requirement is to have a MIAM (Mediation, Information and Assessment meeting). The first appointment - which you go to on your own and they decide whether it's suitable for mediation. If they decide it is they then invite your ex to the next appointment, If she refuses or declines, or doesn't turn up, then they sign you off and you need that sign off form to apply to court. However you can just ask to be signed off at the first appointment - you can cite the NMO. The mediator might try to persuade you to try mediation though (they can do "shuttle" mediation) where you're in separate rooms and have no contact. But if you want to apply urgently you can just say - due to the NMO you don't want to try at this stage but maybe at some stage. Sometimes the court orders mediation after the first hearing - because ideally they want parents to agree.

So the current situation is - you see your eldest 50/50 but not the youngest - is that right? The emotions and stress and worry can be crippling so best thing is to get the ball rolling and get an application in for 50/50 asap. We can help you word it on here. My view is it's better to submit your own application - in your own words (although it has to be carefully worded so you don't say anything negative about the ex and are totally child focused) and you can then still use a solicitor for the rest.

 

[anon22]

My eldest is from a different mother, perfectly amicable and always has been. I can prove some aspects that she has planned this. Her and her friends witness statements have been a gift in this regard, unbelievable what they have made up. She is mentally unstable. She has moved 300 miles away so I have to apply for kids to be brought home, 50/50 cant work, she's refusing any contact with them. Her NMO makes no mention of my parental ability. I can prove that I've done a very significant amount of childcare over the last 12 months, like 50%.

Basically was buying a new house for us all, was due to complete end jan, she knew she had to leave before then else would find it impossible to take children from family home. Have so many messages over the years, if we split up you wont see the kids, take me to court. All evidence now. Have evidence of her removing children from the house middle of the night and driving around etc. Too many things to mention.

All paperwork is being filed and looked over by solicitor. I'm currently working my way through witness statements and her 5 allegations, which each have 10/20 sub headings.

She is obviously getting legal aid, she has done this before, knows how it works. If one can look at the evidence unbiased it's pretty clear how much collusion and planning has gone into this. Just hard to comprehend what she is putting the children through.

 

[Ash]

The fact that you already have amicable 50/50 with your eldest will help your case I'm sure. If she's 300 miles away I can understand why you're applying for residence. Actually somtimes courts do order 50/50 with distance especially if they feel the Mother has done this deliberately. There is a case where it was ordered where one parent was actually living abroad. The way it worked was - all the school holidays with the Dad - except for two weeks a year with the Mother.

I'll see if I can find the case as it'll be case law for an argument if the residency application doesn't work. Although I'm sure your barrister will have plenty of case law up his sleeve. But it might help.

 

[Ash]

A few examples of "shared residence" orders made when parents either live a long distance apart or one abroad, on this article. These are called "shared residence" because they predate the Child Arrangements Orders legislation of 2014 and are now called "Lives with both parents".

Can I get a child arrangements order to see my child even though I am living abroad? Part 2 - Direct2Barrister

In this article Kevin Jackson from Becket Chambers discusses child arrangements orders when one parent is living abroad

direct2barrister.co.uk

 

[Ash]

It's good you have a barrister, but as with all cases, you need to be careful not to sound negative about the Mother and just deal with facts. While we understand on here, what you say she is like, to Cafcass that will sound like derogating the Mother. What they want to hear is both parents being positive about the other parent. It will be obvious your ex is hostile, but Dads who are successful in sole lives with orders, usually avoid criticising the Mother and focusing it on the best interests - obviously you need evidence to show some of the things she has done. But ultimately they decide whether or not you are both safe parents, regardless of any animosity between you or the cause of the breakdown of the relationship.

Cafcass in particular seem very reluctant to ever stop a Mother having residency - and seem to stop at 50/50 shared care. A court and Judge may see it otherwise. But I'm just warning that Cafcass may see it that you are trying to take the children away from the Mother (when actually she has absconded with them! And is preventing you see them!).

I'm sure your barrister will guide you, but in written statements it helps your case to say that all you want is for the children to have happy loving relationships with both parents and both families, and significant and regular time with both parents. My feeling is they would start with a 50/50 order first, and then if she didn't follow it you'd be looking at lives with you and spends time with her.

I'm surprised the Cafcass call is only going to be a week before the hearing when the hearing is in two months time. That won't give them time to get their letter done and you see it before the hearing. But I guess you have a date for that call already. Do you happen to know when the Mother is getting her call?

I'm not sure the court will take a lot of notice of her friends statements as clearly they will be biased. Although some depends on how convincing those people are in court when questioned. So presumably your ex is claiming she had to "flee" because of dv?

 

[anon22]

Yes she is saying that. I have tried to be positive about her where possible. I have genuine concerns for her mental health, as do her mother and step father. Her mother has been communicating with me up until 2 weeks ago. She told her daughter she had been, and was then told, you cant speak to him it will look bad for me in court

 

[Ash]

So presumably her response to your C100 is that you are abusive. She will have had a C7 form to return to court after receiving your C100 application and the court should have sent you a copy of that. That is her response to your application and when an ex is likely to claim dv and possibly even ask for a different order themselves. Did she also submit a C1A with that? (The C1A is when they list abuse etc). If she didn't then her allegations are just words. The worst cases are when they claim you abused the kids.

If you think about it from the court's point of view - they have two parents, both accusing the other one and they don't know who is telling the truth. Cafcass have to do checks to protect children if the Mother says the Dad is abusive or dangerous or whatever. Because sadly there are cases of children being killed by a parent (but by Mums as well as Dads) so they have to play it cautious, which is why they do a Section 7 report and check criminal records for both parents and any social services history (if there is nothing then that almost immediately clears you). The reason your ex kept reporting you to the Police was to try and make sure you had a criminal record (a nasty little trick). But it probably won't be if nothing was found. It could be worth trying to get hold of copies of any police reports (if there are any - sometimes there is nothing recorded). You can actually send off for your own Police record - I did that for both my partner and myself to try and speed matters up. It can really help if you can say - look I have a clean police record (and my partner had a DBS as well).

Normally you wouldn't be able to use that till final hearing but if you can present evidence at the NMO hearing that could help. It takes about a month and a small fee. It's just a subject access record - easy to do. I'll link the web page. It could be good evidence for your NMO hearing.

What they do know is facts though - that the Mother has moved 300 miles away and isn't allowing you to see the children and she is in the wrong for that.

https://www.acro.police.uk/Subject-Access-Online.aspx

Even when using a lawyers, there's a lot of donkey work you need to do yourself and evidence you can find yourself - they don't do that for you. GP letters, testimonials from someone who has known you a long time or is in a position of authority (I had one from a neighbour whose son I used to babysit and worked in social care and one from the head of a social group I belonged to who had seen me on a group holiday with my son). Ultimately they know both parents can get people to take their side and these aren't often looked at - but if your ex's witnesses are going to come to court they could be convincing. Having a witness yourself could be helpful.