Clarification on consent order

[saffascott]

Hi, I was wondering if I could get a general idea of where I stand and what the next steps are.

I have always paid more than was recommended by CSA, even after being made redundant. So although 95% of the texts I get involve money or how I spend my money, I have always supported my children. Although I have seen them regularly when they were both younger, as they grew older, I noticed a subtle alienation happening. One is 21 the other 17.

My ex had a few relationships after I left and about 13 years ago, met her current partner. I still hold 30% equity in the home and left it with the mortgage at a relatively low rate. By now I would imagine, its been paid off?

A few years ago, her new Mr contacted me to take over the mortgage and put me on as a charge. At the time, I was unemployed and not in a great place mentally, and I agreed.

Essentially I am only on the mortgage as a charge but have a consent order in place that 30% of the equity minus the mortgage and value of house is mine.

To be honest, the new Mr is a full on Narcisst and has been the author of probably 80% of the abusive texts I receive from "her"

From home purchases, holidays to car purchases to anything "new" I seem to purchase, I will get a barrage of texts on how I can afford any of it and not pay more money over to her. Even when I pay more than enough, and they have both been left with a home that has a lot of equity in it and a very low mortgage.

A few months ago the new Mr called me to say they were thinking of selling BUT I would need to agree to pay for half of all renovations they have made over the last 10 years on the house for the sake of the kids. Kitchen upgrade, bathroom upgrade, extentions etc. I flatly refused as this was not my choice and I had never agreed to any works. As I wouldn't agree to his terms, he made it clear I was being unreasonable as they would not have enough money to upgrade their living situation for the sake of my children and their partners and I was essentially a dead beat dad. I was told I could rot in hell and that they would drag out anything to do with the payout of the house when it was due. House no longer for sale.

My 17 year old son has just started a paid apprenticeship based on predicted outcome of GCSEs. A few weeks ago my son reached out to me to ask me to help him once he starts his new job as it pays minimum wage and for a 17 year old its around £5.28 an hour. I agreed on the basis that once the maintenance offially stopped, I would redirect some funds his way. I would also assess the amount based on how many hours he worked, as he had mentioned he would not have to pay board and lodging but was saving for a car etc.

Immediately after this, the texts started from my ex (or shall I say new Mr) saying that if I stopped paying the full maintenance she would stop my son from doing his apprenticeship and put him into college and I would still be forced to pay her anyway. Now I dont have an issue helping my son, but being blackmailed into keep paying her is what I find appalling. I get there are expenses but to make my son believe he would live rent free and then go behind his back and insist I pay it, leaves me to wonder what the agenda here is?

I replied to her that I would deal directly with my son and we would come to an agreement. Anything he needed was between us and that if there was costs to pay, just be open about it to my son so he understands where the money comes from (my children have been told for years I dont support them financially) To which she told my son that I was unwilling to support him and he would need to go back to school. And so I have had to deal with a very upset and stressed son who essentially hates me now, wants nothing to do with me, because he has been told I would be the reason he goes back to school.

After a lot of tears and a very distressed son, begging me to pay the maintenance, I have reluctantly agreed to give him the money that his Mum wants. Only because I feel that she is serious about this, and it is upsetting and affecting my son.

However, this was the final straw for me, and I have decided that its time to take the bull by the horns and reclaim what I should have done years ago.

Am I right in thinking that I can request that my share of the house is now paid out? And what are the next steps?

My unemployment lasted throughout Covid and I am trying to get back on my feet at the moment and so I have limited funds to waste. Can anyone please advise me.

My consent order states
1. The youngest surviving of the children shall attain their age of 18 years or complete their full Time secondary education whichever shall be the later;
Or
2. Death of the petitioner or
3. The marriage or cohabitation with another person as man and wife for a period of 6 months in any 12 month period or
4. Voluntary vacation of property.

Your help is appreciated.

 

[MagicJ]

Hi, I was wondering if I could get a general idea of where I stand and what the next steps are.

I have always paid more than was recommended by CSA, even after being made redundant. So although 95% of the texts I get involve money or how I spend my money, I have always supported my children. Although I have seen them regularly when they were both younger, as they grew older, I noticed a subtle alienation happening. One is 21 the other 17.

My ex had a few relationships after I left and about 13 years ago, met her current partner. I still hold 30% equity in the home and left it with the mortgage at a relatively low rate. By now I would imagine, its been paid off?

A few years ago, her new Mr contacted me to take over the mortgage and put me on as a charge. At the time, I was unemployed and not in a great place mentally, and I agreed.

Essentially I am only on the mortgage as a charge but have a consent order in place that 30% of the equity minus the mortgage and value of house is mine.

To be honest, the new Mr is a full on Narcisst and has been the author of probably 80% of the abusive texts I receive from "her"

From home purchases, holidays to car purchases to anything "new" I seem to purchase, I will get a barrage of texts on how I can afford any of it and not pay more money over to her. Even when I pay more than enough, and they have both been left with a home that has a lot of equity in it and a very low mortgage.

A few months ago the new Mr called me to say they were thinking of selling BUT I would need to agree to pay for half of all renovations they have made over the last 10 years on the house for the sake of the kids. Kitchen upgrade, bathroom upgrade, extentions etc. I flatly refused as this was not my choice and I had never agreed to any works. As I wouldn't agree to his terms, he made it clear I was being unreasonable as they would not have enough money to upgrade their living situation for the sake of my children and their partners and I was essentially a dead beat dad. I was told I could rot in hell and that they would drag out anything to do with the payout of the house when it was due. House no longer for sale.

My 17 year old son has just started a paid apprenticeship based on predicted outcome of GCSEs. A few weeks ago my son reached out to me to ask me to help him once he starts his new job as it pays minimum wage and for a 17 year old its around £5.28 an hour. I agreed on the basis that once the maintenance offially stopped, I would redirect some funds his way. I would also assess the amount based on how many hours he worked, as he had mentioned he would not have to pay board and lodging but was saving for a car etc.

Immediately after this, the texts started from my ex (or shall I say new Mr) saying that if I stopped paying the full maintenance she would stop my son from doing his apprenticeship and put him into college and I would still be forced to pay her anyway. Now I dont have an issue helping my son, but being blackmailed into keep paying her is what I find appalling. I get there are expenses but to make my son believe he would live rent free and then go behind his back and insist I pay it, leaves me to wonder what the agenda here is?

I replied to her that I would deal directly with my son and we would come to an agreement. Anything he needed was between us and that if there was costs to pay, just be open about it to my son so he understands where the money comes from (my children have been told for years I dont support them financially) To which she told my son that I was unwilling to support him and he would need to go back to school. And so I have had to deal with a very upset and stressed son who essentially hates me now, wants nothing to do with me, because he has been told I would be the reason he goes back to school.

After a lot of tears and a very distressed son, begging me to pay the maintenance, I have reluctantly agreed to give him the money that his Mum wants. Only because I feel that she is serious about this, and it is upsetting and affecting my son.

However, this was the final straw for me, and I have decided that its time to take the bull by the horns and reclaim what I should have done years ago.

Am I right in thinking that I can request that my share of the house is now paid out? And what are the next steps?

My unemployment lasted throughout Covid and I am trying to get back on my feet at the moment and so I have limited funds to waste. Can anyone please advise me.

My consent order states
1. The youngest surviving of the children shall attain their age of 18 years or complete their full Time secondary education whichever shall be the later;
Or
2. Death of the petitioner or
3. The marriage or cohabitation with another person as man and wife for a period of 6 months in any 12 month period or
4. Voluntary vacation of property.

Your help is appreciated.

Hi @saffascott ,

Firstly welcome to the forum & thanks for sharing your story.

I am sorry to hear that even with orders in place & going well above and beyond, you have been taken advantage of and your children are being made to pay the price by uncaring adults, one of whom seems to be their Mother!!

It isn't a unique story I'm afraid, as the various threads on the forum will show, every father who has given an inch above what is due has been taken for a mile.

There is plenty of support here and I'm sure many will comment to guide you forward.

The only question that sticks out for me, your consent order has a cohabitation trigger, yet you say the new partner has been with the ex for 13 years - is he not living with her?

BTW, you are not responsible for paying anything towards the upkeep & renovation, unless weae & tear maintenance whilst you were responsible for the house or they explicitly asked you to contribute and you agreed. After you've signed the house over there is definitely no dues - as I understand it.

Stick at it, don't give in to the bullying, it's difficult but as they are relatively older, I hope, like you've done, you can just calmly explain the facts and let them reach their own conclusions

 

[saffascott]

Hi @saffascott ,

Firstly welcome to the forum & thanks for sharing your story.

I am sorry to hear that even with orders in place & going well above and beyond, you have been taken advantage of and your children are being made to pay the price by uncaring adults, one of whom seems to be their Mother!!

It isn't a unique story I'm afraid, as the various threads on the forum will show, every father who has given an inch above what is due has been taken for a mile.

There is plenty of support here and I'm sure many will comment to guide you forward.

The only question that sticks out for me, your consent order has a cohabitation trigger, yet you say the new partner has been with the ex for 13 years - is he not living with her?

BTW, you are not responsible for paying anything towards the upkeep & renovation, unless weae & tear maintenance whilst you were responsible for the house or they explicitly asked you to contribute and you agreed. After you've signed the house over there is definitely no dues - as I understand it.

Stick at it, don't give in to the bullying, it's difficult but as they are relatively older, I hope, like you've done, you can just calmly explain the facts and let them reach their own conclusions

Hi Magicjay,

Thank you so much for your reply. Yes he has been in the property all this time, put the mortgage in his name, clever man as he basically stepped into a low mortgage, high equity property without paying in a penny. My ex put a special clause after the 4 triggers that the ultimate deciding factor had to be that my youngest had to be 18 or no longer in full time education. So I have been unable to use his cohabitation trigger until now. I don't think she ever envisioned my son leaving school before he was 18 but it has now happened. To be honest, I probably had grounds when her Mr took me off the mortgage and took it over as I literally have had no control over the property anymore. Which is laughable that he actually thought I would pay for any renovations? But I have not had enough funds to take this to court and so I have been patiently waiting.
However, now that my son is leaving full time education, its time to sort this out. I spoke to my son yesterday and agreed to help him for a year to get him on his feet. The money will go to him directly and whatever costs are needed its up to him to negotiate with his Mum.
I plan to get some legal advice next week. I am hoping a letter from a lawyer will do the job without me having to go through a costly process of having to force them to sell the house or pay me out. I don't for a minute think that it will be easy. And I imagine that my kids will ultimately pay the emotional price of the bitterness and hate that will come from this. But it's got to the point where I have had enough of struggling financially and it's time for me to move on with my life. I do not want to be chained to my ex and her Mr anymore, I need to move on from this toxic, narcissistic couple who have been treating me like an atm machine in the name of my children. I am done.

 

[Ash]

Hi and I'm sorry to hear this situation for you. Seeing it from the outside, I can see this has pushed you but I can also see that your relationship with your kids is important. I also get fleeced sometimes and if I don't pay for various things for my son, he has to go without. The difference is, he understands that his Mother is being unreasonable (I don't say anything obviously, he just gets it).

I can understand this man is pushing your buttons. But the priority is your kids and good relationships with them and trust with them. So I think the flames got fuelled when you decided to stop paying maintenance and give it to your son.

In hindsight it might have been better to discuss options regarding this with your ex rather than make a unilateral decision (as that always pisses people off). In writing - eg via text. Then you could honestly say to your son - I want to help you financially with this. I am limited as to how much I can do this, as I pay your Mother every month and that takes a big chunk of my income. It is more than I am required to pay and ideally your Mother should be funding you from the money I give her. But I don't want you to feel caught in the middle of adult financial issues, so I will discuss the options with your Mum.

Your ex has already put your son in the middle as it was no doubt her who told your son to ask you for this money.

You could then have sent a written proposal to the ex saying you suggest a slight reduction in maintenance and you give the difference directly to your son. She would probably still say no and want both. I am getting the same thing. I still pay maintenance, but as my son is a teenager now he needs all kinds of things and goes on activities etc that need paying for - and I just suck it up because it helps him see I am helping him and he appreciates it. It's unfair when you're paying CM as well. But I know if I reduced CM to give more to my son my ex would definitely alienate him. Lies etc and distress him. Which is why I suck it up. And yes it's blackmail. But - it's only for a few more years. See it as doing it for your son rather than the ex.

I can see you have had provocation and are wanting to get things sorted re the house finances, but my advice would be, sit tight for now and focus on your son and getting him through this course.

Playing devils advocate, I think most ex's would keep the child in full time education if it meant getting the maintenance for longer. It's the problem with Child Maintenance generally - Mums see it as their entitlement because it's the way the law works. I think if you start trying to force a house sale now it will add to your son's stress and they will lie to him and turn him against you. He will see you as the cause of all the family problems.

I think once solicitors get involved it can get nasty and more adversarial. Whatever heavy letter your solicitor sends, theirs will come back with an argumentative heavy one too.

Take some time to get the anger and frustration out of your system - go for a walk, go to the gym and punch a punch bag or whatever, and then be the bigger parent who is calm and reasonable and child focused, in the face of provocation and unreasonable laws about Child Maintenance.

If you've now agreed to help fund your son and continue with child maintenance, things should settle down, rather than escalate. Your son has exams and achievements he needs to focus on. Yes it's wrong using your own kids to blackmail you, but we do it for the kids - and get our financial returns later when they are more sorted.

I think trying to get the house money out now, would cause an almighty war with your son in the middle of it. And while I fully understand you have had enough, try and detach from ex and her H and focus on your son. He may even decide he wants to come and live with you within the next year.