Child Maintenance query

[BridgfordF]

Hi there

My children stay with me for 6 nights across a 2 week period (156 nights per year). They are with my ex for the remaining time and I pay my her child maintenance accordingly. It's an arrangement between us, we've never involved the CMS, but the amount I pay was worked out using their calculator.

I regularly get asked to pay for extra things for the children and indeed I do. Sometimes this is my ex asking me, other times its the children themselves asking me. Over the last 6 months I've paid for things amounting to approximately £500 per month, which is more than double the monthly child maintenance I pay. It leaves me with very little money left over.

If my children didn't stay with me at all, my understanding is that the maintenance I pay should cover everything my children need. But because they stay with me for 3 nights per week, I feel it's less straightforward.

Am I obliged to pay extra? Should I pay extra? Where should I draw the line?

 

[Ash]

This is a difficult one. Ideally you'd have a parenting plan that sets out who pays for what. Eg it might say you pay £X child maintenance which includes xyz but then separate points as well like - each parent will pay for childrens school lunch on their respective care days, Father will provide school shoes in addition, and, a usual one - the cost of school trips will be shared with automatic agreement up to £250 (total cost of trip) and any costing more than that to require discussion and agreement.

Basically you have a family based arrangement and it's about what you arrange between you and agree to, but it sounds like the ex is trying it on. It's also not great when they get the kids to ask you directly for things.

How old are your children?

 

[BridgfordF]

12 & 15.

I'm getting differing opinions on this (I've posted the same thread on another forum). Some people seem to think I shouldn't pay any more but in my head, the adjusted maintenance figure takes into account that some of the time, the children are with me. It seems to me therefore that I should pay some extra. As I said on my original post, it's where to draw the line that I'm finding difficult.

Agree its needs a plan. Its something I've tried to do but my ex has swerved it when I've asked if we can discuss in the past.

 

[Resolute]

If the children did not stay with you at all, you would not have to pay for everything. You would pay what you pay now multiplied by 1.75

If you are paying for clothes, shoes, school uniform, food, toys, subscriptions, housing, heating... To cover the time they are with you, and you are paying Child Maintenance. You do not have to pay 100% of additional costs. £500 a month is massively out of proportion if it is double the CMS calculation.

 

[Ash]

If you had the CMS make an assessment, you're only required to pay what they tell you to pay. I personally think it's a difficult one, as older kids need all sorts, and often neither parent can afford everything they need, regardless of Child Maintenance. That's easier if parents are reasonably amicable and discuss things. I do hear you because I had similar myself and you can't keep paying out. On the other hand I also had a shared care order and accepted things got expensive after secondary school age and uniform was more expensive and agreed to pay half of school uniform as well.

After another court hearing I was basically being blackmailed to pay more with a hint that she might get obstructive if I didn't and once kids are 12 or over ex's can manipulate things by saying child doesn't want to come. To stop that, I asked the CMS to do an assessment, knowing it would be quite a bit less than I was paying by agreement and that shut her up. When the assessment came through it was a lot less, and I wrote to her saying I would pay the assessment plus x amount towards xyz. Which was basically the former agreed amount.

Latterly it was my son wanting various things as he grew up, things he would use at both homes. Some things I said yes if he saved up and paid half.

So I think as they get older there does need to be a bit of flexibility because they're our kids. If it's shared care, which yours seems to be - they see us as full parents, not "someone to visit".

You could take a hard line and say "I'm only going to pay what's assessed" or you could try and do a deal. Also there's a difference between day to day maintenance, and "extras" like designer trainers (which they all seem to want), fashion items and all the gadgets.

If you ask the CMS to do an assessment they will open a case and make an assessment based on your tax return - they get the figures from HMRC. Both you and the ex will then get a letter saying how much you have to pay each month. Technically that is all you have to pay. But it depends what your ex is like. If I had done that I know she would have caused horrendous problems for both me and my son. These are not easy situations.

Ideally it would be a full 50/50 with no CM and you just share the cost of everything equally, but even then there needs to be agreement on what they need and what lives in each home etc. My son ended up with two of everything basically, which got expensive - because ex wouldn't let him bring anything from my home.

So if you want a clear answer as to what you "have" to do or are obliged to do, it is simply to pay CM at the assessed rate. If you want to formalise that, ask the CMS to open a case. Although they prefer people to make a family based arrangement, but if there's no agreement on that you can open a case. However I would think carefully about how to handle all this as it could create some hostility.

Child Maintenance is supposed to cover all their living needs - school uniform, school lunches, food and clothing - while at their Mothers. It usually doesn't cover all that. Especially when they get to secondary school (depending on how much you pay). Because they spend nearly half the time with you, you'll also have all the increased costs of feeding and presumably clothing them as well. And your own birthday presents, days out etc.

But kids can want to do various activities that have fees attached (classes, Duke of Edinburgh maybe) and those come with added fees.

Sorry I can't give you a clear answer. I think it depends on a) how much you pay b) how well off the ex is c) the ages of your kids d) how much you can afford and what you want them to have.

Thrown into that mix, kids can also try playing parents off against each other. If one parent says no to something they try asking the other parent! Or if you say no to something they say - my Mum lets me have xyz - to persuade you.

I found it got a bit easier with an older child when both parents gave him an allowance each month - and he was expected to get any extras out of that or save for them.

 

[Ash]

My take on it as well is - do you want the kids to see the ex's home as "the main home" where they have everything, or them to see that they have two homes and neither parent more important than the other.

A bit more detail would help. I would not pay for some item that was only to be kept at the ex's house. If it was something that was used in both houses and went back and forth with them, maybe. If it was a new Xbox it would be - both parents provide their own in their own homes.