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Child drop off nightmare

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EssexDad

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Hi all

Having a bit of a nightmare with my ex and was hoping for some advice.

We’ve had an informal arrangement with weekends for years now, i do every other weekend, Friday-Sunday.

She drops him off early evening Friday (usually straight from school) and I take him home after dinner on Sunday. Sometimes we swap drop offs or pick ups depending on situations. This has worked well for years.

Several weeks ago she asked if I could collect him as she was feeling under the weather, to which I agreed as I was luckily wfh that day. Sunday comes and she texts me saying she’s not picking him up and I need to drop him home too.

I had enjoyed a glass of wine with my dinner as I hadn’t expected to drive, so said it would have to wait a few hours or I could drop him in the morning. This wasn’t good enough so she ended up coming to collect him.

The result of this was for her to go through the roof and has now totally change the arrangement and she is now refusing to do any driving. I am unable to collect him on Fridays until much later in the evening due to work and the fact it’s an hour away. This means I won’t be able to collect him until late Saturday morning (I have other commitments on Saturday morning) which effectively halves our time together. For the sake of clarity she works part time and does not work Fridays and the sole reason for this change is spite. “Your child, your time, you deal with it” attitude.

This isn’t a case of wanting to, I work and wouldn’t be able to get to him until at least 7pm. Meaning he isn’t getting here until 8 or so which isn’t fair on anyone - he’s only 9.

If this ends up in family court what are my chances of forcing her to drop him off as it is a precedent we have had set for literally years.

Thanks.
 
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Hi

How long has this been an issue for?

Is there any chance she'll change her mind in a few weeks time once she's calmed down?
 
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It’s been bubbling away for a little while but has been a problem for about a month. Have spoken with her several times about it and she is refusing to drop him off. I’m just worried about me picking him up becoming a precedent if I let this continue. I have other children and 2 hours out of a Saturday driving isn’t really something I’m happy about. I already miss bedtime on Sunday due to dropping back home.

For what it’s worth she’s also going down the CMS route for maintenance payments and I believe she’s trying to get me to below 52 nights a year for extra money.

For clarity I have given her CM (700 pounds) on the 1st of every month without fail for 8 years now. Never missed a single payment even if money was tight so absolutely zero reason for her to go down this road which makes me think it’s spite/greed related.
 
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I wonder what set all this off. It started with her asking you to pick up on a Friday which was unusual. Do you have a new partner by any chance?

Yes there was a case on here where there had been an established routine of shared drop offs/collections and the guy did get them ordered again at the final hearing after the ex refused. However in that case there was a lot of distance between the parents' homes.

Whether she'd doing it for extra CM or not it needs dealing with. So if you can't pick up till later on Fridays or early Saturday - who would the child normally be with before you got home from work? After ex dropped off on a Friday?
 
I have a partner, but it isn’t a new thing. We’ve been together for 7 years, are married and have 2 children together. My son is extremely comfortable around her as he’s known her since he was 18 months old - he knows no different. I work from home most Fridays too so it’s only on occasion he would be here without me, not that it’s an issue. For clarity she lives an hour away, so it isn’t round the corner.

Honestly I’m not sure what has set it off. Picking up on a Friday is not normal, but it’s not unusual. We always have swapped pick ups round to suit her schedule or moved weekends if it suits her holidays etc. I just do double weekends in those instances.

She is an extremely difficult person to deal with being honest. It’s her way or no way and I’ve had multiple issues in the past of her using my son a a blunt instrument to force me into situations - but that seems par for the course reading this forum!

Her new partner has recently moved in with her along with his 2 children which may have put a new perspective on things. She’s always lived a double life having every other weekend to do what she wants and that has now changed. Maybe that’s causing an issue but I’m not sure why it’s being put on me.

The maintenance is a different subject, but being honest I don’t care if she does that as long as I get her to drop him off. It isn’t about the money, it’s about our with him. It isn’t just me either, his 2 sisters adore him and I don’t want this to hinder that relationship either.

I just want to go back to how it has always been done, and if she won’t agree would like to know my chances of having it drafted formally. I just don’t want to lose time with my son because she is being spiteful/lazy about driving him over to me. I have asked for a reason multiple times and all I get back is “it’s your weekend with him, you deal with it”.
 
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I would try to find a way to be independent of her. Can you not start work an hour earlier on Friday so that you can collect him earlier?
 
I have an office job with very little flexibility to work hours. The markets dictate the hours so me leaving early doesn’t really work.

This is more about fairness too, I don’t feel that her dropping him off is an unreasonable thing to do. I ask nothing of her except to drop him to me on a Friday. She works 1-2 days a week, and never on a Friday so it isn’t like it’s putting her out to do this.
 
Her new partner has recently moved in with her along with his 2 children
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I expect that will be it. Unfortunately some ex's do try and get rid of you once they get a new family. Mine did after 7 years of co parenting! She will be prioritising her new life, her life with her partner, his kids as well - suddenly co parenting schedules become inconvenient.

But at least she hasn't stopped your child coming. I agree with Proud Dad that for now, find a way to do the Friday collections. You could indeed put in an application to have shared transport reinstated, especially with the hour's distance. Do you have any records or evidence of the previous history of shared transport as your ex could just deny it. The question then is, is it worth it. On the other hand, if it;s currently an informal arrangement and no court orders, it's a chance to get things formalised in a Child Arrangements order before your child gets any older. Once they get to 11 or 12 ex's can start playing the "child's wishes" card and mess about even more. So I would be thinking a few years ahead when, perhaps she wants a full time family and no hassles or schedules at all.

Having said that, applying to family court is a slow and tedious process, with it's stresses and interferes with normal life. There is the option to get a consent order without going to court (which means you'd both need to use a solicitor to draw it up and approve it - if she agreed - but the point is, she isn't agreeing).

I take your point that why should you disrupt your life and possibly lose money by changing working hours, just because your ex is refusing to do drop offs.

You could try solicitor negotiation (ie via a letter) which might make her play ball a bit. And would also record the history of shared transport. Do you get half the school holidays as well as every other week-end? It's not in your child's interests to have such a shortened week-end.

Before trying a solicitor's letter, have you tried having amicable chat about it? Or are you at loggerheads? I've had to swallow my pride and grovel on many occasions to keep things smooth for my son. You could try a friend text message apologising for that Sunday night and say you really want to sort things out for child as it will be stressful for him if his routine changes and he has such a short time with you - it will be unsettling for him. And ask her if you can both try and sort things out for him.
 
I would agree with Ash

Once a new partner is on the scene that becomes the primary focus and you are often an after thought. Also there could be some drama her side and unfortunately you may get the backlash of that.
 
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You may be right. It’s unfair but that’s life eh!

I just wish she could look past her own thoughts and think of our son. I’ve put myself out countless times at the expense of my other children to make sure I maintain a constant relationship with my son, and now I’m asking her to just maintain the status quo and it’s all of a sudden hard work.
 
She won't be considering your feelings or your commitment - just her own life. And she will put her new partner/family before your relationship with your son - is my guess. Keep talking with her if you can. Try and keep things amicable. I used to find flattery helped actually even though it was fake lol. Like what a great job she was doing with him and how I'd be there for support if she was struggling etc. And then drop in - I think it would help child have a smooth routine at week-ends - what do you suggest? I do think you'll have to apologise for that Sunday night though.
 
EssexDad said:
Her new partner has recently moved in with her along with his 2 children which may have put a new perspective on things. She’s always lived a double life having every other weekend to do what she wants and that has now changed. Maybe that’s causing an issue but I’m not sure why it’s being put on me.
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I reckon this is the trigger. She doesn't want the inconvenience of Friday evening drives with her new set up.
She may also be struggling with two men. I watched a video the other week where these types of women can't cope with a new man and an ex. It messes with their heads. You're just the scapegoat.
Also women (I am one so can confirm this 🙂) are lead by emotions more than men so sometimes we can come off illogical. I think I'm on the better end of the scale though lol
 
It worked the other way for me at first when my ex got a new man who moved in with her - she was keen to have plenty of couple time and happy to leave my son with me. Plus he had kids with a schedule as well so she wanted them all to have the same schedule - which actually worked better for me. But it was nothing to do with me or what was best for my son - just what suited her at the time - and she was trying to impress the new man. Of course after some time she fell out with everybody and everything went pear shaped. Then she was trying to hang on to him so wanted a normal family and tried to get rid of me altogether. Watch your back.
 
Ash said:
It worked the other way for me at first when my ex got a new man who moved in with her - she was keen to have plenty of couple time and happy to leave my son with me. Plus he had kids with a schedule as well so she wanted them all to have the same schedule - which actually worked better for me. But it was nothing to do with me or what was best for my son - just what suited her at the time - and she was trying to impress the new man. Of course after some time she fell out with everybody and everything went pear shaped. Then she was trying to hang on to him so wanted a normal family and tried to get rid of me altogether. Watch your back.
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It was like this when they got together. She couldn’t wait to get rid of him and we were having him way more than usual. However, her bf has moved in now and his kids are there 95% of the time too as his ex has mental health issues or something like that (I don’t ask). Now her off weekends are still with his kids, so her desire to drop my son to me has completely gone. Tragic for us.

I also received the CMS letter today. She’s gone in on the basis that I never ever see him and she’s also lied about me not having other kids to max out her monthly figure! Have been on the phone to them today to dispute this. What a piece of work!

She’s also gone back on her option to meet me half way tonight as she doesn’t want to drive so I’ve had to deal with my daughter crying as he isn’t coming over tonight anymore and she misses him. I’ve even offered to pick him up and she’s refused. It’s all pure spite.

Have initiated a mediator as a result of this as I may as well start the process. I can’t see it getting any better without third party help.
 
I'd get your C100 in asap - she's now refused to let your son come. She'll probably cause delays with mediation. There is an option to just get signed off and put your application in but it does help to show you've tried mediation. So get your MIAM (first mediation appointment) asap - if you phone round family mediators in the region, some will do a next day appointment. After your MIAM they invite the ex. If she hasn't attended within two weeks then you'll get signed off.

In the meantime I would start filling your C100 application in so it's ready to go as soon as you get signed off. I think mediation can cause unnecessary delays as it can take them time to send you the sign off form.

That is awful she wouldn 't let him come at all. Have there been any issues over Child Maintenance before? Eg does she have an axe to grind?
 
I have paid her in full and on time on the 1st of the month for 8 years now. Never missed a single payment, never been late, never underpaid.
 
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