Child arrangements

[OzChef]

Hey there.
I have two kids. My son is 14. My daughter is 11. I have been separated for 9 years. We’ve had a private arrangement regarding access to the kids. I have them 4 nights on week 1 and 3 on week 2. So 50-50.

I’m originally from an English speaking country abroad, and have been to court, twice so far, trying to get permission to take the kids there. Court have said it’s fine, but have stated that their mum is to attend as well, and the kids are to spend 1 night with her in the middle of the holiday so they don’t miss her. Court have said this as she said she was happy for the kids to go as long as she could go too, however, outside of the court, she is refusing to go. She then wanted to take the kids on a cruise through Europe for a weekend and needed their passports. I said I’d be happy for them to go but wanted to talk over a few issues at mediation (she is addicted to cannabis, last time she went without it for more than 2 days she went out of control). She refused mediation and cancelled the trip. In the meantime, my son was texting me saying if you don’t give mum the passports, I’m not coming back to yours. Then the cruise got cancelled and I haven’t seen him since April. He has since broken into my house to steal his passport, egged my car and my house. I’ve been messaging him to see how he’s going, asking about his summer etc. All I get back from him is negative messages. I know she’s been saying nasty things about me over the years (my son said “mum says you don’t pay a penny towards us” when I got into an argument with him about the state of his room he said “mum says you should be cleaning it while I’m with her”).

Anyway, my ex has now started keeping my daughter an extra day a week without asking me. She says it’s for the best. Even though we had the same routine for 9 years. I’ve now forked out for a solicitor and a court case is set for October (the first hearing). In the meantime should I just allow her to keep my daughter the extra day? I don’t want to upset my daughter by causing any aggravation. Although I obviously don’t want to miss out seeing her on one of my days with her. Should I just let it go until it goes to court?

Thanks

 

[Ash]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear all this but at 14 I doubt the court will do anything and say your son can decide for himself. I think you should have just given her the passports for the European trip as your son is now resentful that it was cancelled (even though ex cancelled it she probably blamed you and said they can't go because you won't give her his passport). At 11 also, a child's wishes are taken seriously. But you have a better chance of getting an order for her to come as before.

To be honest, with the ages your kids are, I think you'd do better trying to resolve things with the ex and keep her onside, even if it means she never agrees to them having a holiday in your home country. The court probably aren't going to be impressed with either of you refusing to do things over holidays for the kids to be honest.

I don't think mediation will help and going to court will get her back up as well. She's probably told your son you're "taking her to court" now.

I would try and offer an olive branch and say you want to sort things out, you don't want the kids to miss out on holidays with either parent.

14 year olds live for holidays basically and are at a weird age.

I had similar. My ex took son on all these overseas holidays, messed about with my holiday weeks as well, but he enjoyed the holidays and I think he would have turned against me if I'd tried to stop them. He ended up moving in with me when he was 15. So sometimes you just have to go with the flow a bit at this age, then when they're older they can choose to come on holiday with you.

Your ex has probably stopped the night per fortnight with your daughter so it's no longer 50/50 and you'll be expected to pay Child Maintenance no doubt. Don't be surprised if you hear from the CMS.

Try to reach some agreements about passports and holidays before the court hearing, and try to get your ex to get your son to meet up with you for a chat. You might have to apologise to him - even though it's not really your fault ex cancelled their trip. But whatever you do, don't criticise their Mother, or he'll take sides and resent you.

Maybe say - Mum and I didn't do a good job of agreeing how holidays would work and passports and I'm really sorry your trip got cancelled. I don't want you to miss out on holidays with either of us so I've asked some people to help us sort it out and make some proper agreements so you can have your holidays.

He'll probably just say - why wouldn't you let her have my passport? Which would be a difficult one to answer. Also the passport is technically his, even though he's under 16.