Child Arrangements Order. Ending the abuse.

[dad785]

I'll keep it as brief as possible and do my best to keep it factual and free of emotion - I'd appreciate any advice or support as I go into this.

My ex partner and I are parents to a 4 year old boy.

Our relationship was relatively happy and although there were red flags with my ex partners behaviour, I was blind to them as during this time my self esteem was very low.

We were together for roughly 8 months when my we found out that partner was pregnant. Neither of us are high earners, nor do we have any family around to help and support so obviously we were both full of nerves, but absolutely delighted to be parents and were excited for the challenges it would bring. I was excited and proud to have my little family.

Now, I should refer to those "red flags" I mentioned earlier as it becomes relevant around here. Early in our relationship my ex partner was violent with me on several occasions. I was never seriously injured and the police / ambulance were never called but there were numerous times when she lashed out during an argument. This was shocking to me as I'd never had a partner lash out at me like that but like I said, my self-esteem was very low during this time and I would have put up with pretty much anything.

Shortly after our Son was born my partner's behaviour became much much worse. She became delusional, incredibly paranoid and very violent. She became convinced that I was having multiple affairs and that I was plotting against her. I was attacked multiple times in my sleep and repeatedly came home from work to find the doors barricaded shut and my property outside. None of these accusations were true. I loved her more than life itself and I was devastated by this.

I know now that she was logged into my emails so she was reading my every communication with everyone. There was no affair. There was nothing but work. But she was still convinced of the affair and believed I was speaking in coded language.

Things got worse and worse and it's hard for me to recall as I seem to have blocked a lot of it out. But I read through my old emails a little while ago to help me gain a timeline of all this and I found an email I sent to my best friend and I was basically fearing for my life. I was genuinely scared that she might kill me in my sleep and I instructed my friend to check in with me if I stop communicating.

In spite of all the red flags in the past, I believed that my ex partner was "ill" and that I needed to support her through this so I stayed in the family home (sleeping in the spare room). I knew that my partner had had mental health issues in the past and I guess I just normalised everything in the belief that it would get better. It didnt.

It got worse and worse until finally I was awoken one morning being attacked violently. I left.

So, we spent the next 3 years co - parenting during which my ex partner has continued to be abusive with financial and emotional manipulation and promoting parental alienation. I've learned to put my emotions aside and just tolerate it but I can't do that anymore.

Our son is starting school in September. Obviously, this means a new Monday to Friday schedule and we are miles apart from agreeing on anything at all.

We've been through mediation last month and it was a complete waste of time. I would now like to proceed with a Court Order for a 2-2-5-5 schedule.

We were never married but I am named on the birth certificate. I have been a part of our son's daily life since birth and I contribute 20% of my salary for maintenance.

I'm sure you can understand from my ex partners behaviour that she will not take this well and I am genuinely scared of what will happen next as we've all read the horror stories. But I have to do the right thing for our Son.

I was quoted £6500 to £7500 by a local firm and that is so out of my price range that it makes my head spin so I'm going in alone. I understand I may need a Solicitor or Barrister at some point and I'll find a way to pay for it.

I'm planning to start the ball rolling this week so I'd appreciate any help, advice or support.

 

[dad785]

OK.

So as far as I understand, the first thing I need to do is contact the mediator who hosted our session and tell him that I wish to pursue a Child Arrangements Order. Is this correct?

Or should I complete the form first?

 

[Ash]

Hi. I'm sorry your post hasn't had any responses yet - I'm not sure why it got missed. You've done well to keep up a schedule of co parenting with a former abusive partner.

Solicitors do charge a lot and you often don't see much for the money. You can submit the application yourself and don't really need any representation until you actually have hearings. And even then some people do the hearings themselves. So you can do most of it yourself with some help on here.

Before you can apply for the Child Arrangements order you need to be signed off mediation. The legal requirement for applying is to have attended a MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting). This is the first meeting with the mediator that you go to on your own and explain the situation and they say how mediation can help. Attending that is the only legal requirement. If you don't want to proceed with mediation you can ask to be signed off. The sign off form is a page from the c100 form (so that blank page needs replacing with the mediator signed page) and the application won't be accepted without that.

However they like people to have tried mediation and mediators usually strongly try to persuade you to try it before they'll sign you off. There is exemption possibly if there has been previous abuse but mediators still say mediation can help even in those situations - because you're supposed to try and co parent for the sake of the child. But you could ask for shuttle mediation if you don't want to be in the same room.

The way that would work is - google family mediators in your area, phone round them and book an appointment with the one you like the sound of/who has the earliest appointment.

Go to the MIAM. The mediator will then invite your ex to the next session. What often happens is they decline (you get signed off and apply to court), or they keep cancelling appointments and messing about (you can ask to be signed off rather than this carry on). Or she may accept and have the mediation.

If you can get it agreed at mediation it would be better. So at present there are no court orders? And the schedule is just informally agreed - is that right?

How often do you see your child at the moment? If it's less than half the time then your ex may be resistant to it being more time. If it's already half the time and you just want a clear 2-2-5-5 schedule in place then the mediator might be able to help with that.

I would still fill in your C100 ready to submit in case mediation doesn't work out.

As an example of costs, a good Barrister for a half day hearing would cost about £4,000 plus vat (£2000 plus vat for a half day hearing). But they are experts at court hearings. Depending on how the early stages go you may not need any representation but it can help to have it for a final hearing as that determines the final order and cross examination is involved.

It might not go to a final hearing if agreement can be reached at the first hearing for a consent order.

What do you think your ex's reaction is likely to be? Aggression towards you or stopping you seeing your son? Sometimes things can get tense at the time of application and things like that happen but then once it's in the court process she may not be so bad as her behaviour would be highlighted as part of the process.

The key thing with applying to court though is to never say anything negative about the ex and keep things child focused. On what is in the best interests of the child.

It's very difficult having to deal with, even at a distance, a hostile aggressive ex who has physically abused you. If it gets stressful then maybe some counselling along the way would help. And keep coming on here.

 

[dad785]

Ash, thank you so much for your reply.

I'm sorry I wasn't quite clear as to where we are with the situation.

We had an online mediation session a month ago and it was a complete farce. The mediator was actually very poor. The mediator started the session 10 minutes late and allowed the session to continue even though our son was present in the room and continually walking into frame. The mediator was mentally absent and just kept prompting negotiation for negotiation sake. It was just fake tears, 40 mins negotiation over trivial matters and then session over.

I'll avoid a "wall of text" therapy session and I'll try to answer your questions individually.

How often do you see your child at the moment?

At present, our Son attends nursery 3 days a week. So I pick him up from Nursery every day (mon, tues, & weds) and we have lunch together while my ex partner works her P/T job.

Monday - 11 to 3
Tuesday - 11 to 3
Wednesday - 11.30 to 3
Thursday - No contact.
Friday - 9 to 4
Saturday - No contact
Sunday - 8.30 to 4

This schedule was workable until now our Son is starting school and of course this schedule will have to change. I attempted to discuss a new structure with my ex partner that would involve overnight visits at the weekend and shared duties with the school run.

My ex partner took great offence to this and stated that our son would not spend a night away until he was at least 8 years old. She has stated that she will "say what she needs to say to make sure I end up with supervised visits".

She has proposed that I see our Son from 3pm to 5pm on a Wednesday and then 1 over night visit every other week. So I'll go from being a huge part of his daily life to potentially seeing him once in 10 days.


What do you think your ex's reaction is likely to be?

I think she will do whatever she can to stop my from seeing my Son.

The last time I attempted to discuss it face to face she grabbed my Son and ran into the bathroom shouting that "your dad is a bad person". My son was heartbroken and confused by this shouting back "no - dont say it, I love my Dad he's a good person". I will never ever forget that sound and I am disgusted by her. For the next month or so, our son regularly asked "why are you a bad person?" so this was traumatic for him and it stayed in his head. I believe she is compounding this parental alienation at home.

I expect her to make allegations of abuse or whatever else she can fabricate. She is dangerous. She has a long history of mental illness, self harm and she was even sectioned in her native country after a suicide attempt. By applying for 50/50 I will take away everything she has. I am genuinely frightened of what may happen which is why I have not done anything before. But I have to do the right thing for our son and can't let fear get in the way.


The key thing with applying to court though is to never say anything negative about the ex and keep things child focused. On what is in the best interests of the child.

This is one thing I don't understand. I have completed the C100 and I've stopped and 5b. How do I inform the court of the abuse I have suffered and the potential danger she presents without talking negatively?

 

[Ash]

You just keep it child focused and it speaks for itself. You can hint at the odd thing that makes them think.

So you could say - You have been seeing your son 5 days out of 7 since separation with significant time together but Mrs Ex would not agree to him staying overnight with you and as he is due to start school in September you had mediation to discuss a schedule for September. Mrs Ex initially said she would not agree to overnights until your son is 8 but eventually agreed to one overnight a fortnight but no other time except a few hours on Wednesdays.

You feel this is a huge change for your son who is used to seeing you every day but two per week.

You wish to keep things amicable and hope that dispute resolution can help.

And then set out what you want ordered. It doesn’t have to be 50/50. It could be 5 or 6 nights a fortnight in various ways.

But I assume you would want two consecutive midweek overnights each week to keep up the level of time.

So that would be 50/50 if it included a 3 night week end per fortnight. If the alternate week end was Friday to Sunday (2 nights) that would be 6 nights a fortnight.

Anyway point is - you focus on the relationship with child and history as reasons to get a good order.

I agree the business of her telling him you’re bad is serious - there might be a way to hint at that in the application wording (bear in mind your ex will read that!) but it might be better to mention that to Cafcsss during the safeguarding interviews.

Your ex will get a copy of the application so you don’t want anything in there that will make her worse or more angry.

I’ve had some of this PA stuff. If your son keeps asking you why you’re a bad person you need to have lines prepared to these questions (there is a very good book that helps with how to handle these things- I’ll link it).

So you’d say - “Mummy isn’t correct about that - it’s a shame that Mummy feels like that - maybe she’s upset”

If he asks more then you could say - it’s difficult when Mum and Dad have separate lives but we both love you.

Another option could be to send your ex an email confronting it and asking her to stop - that could be used as evidence later. Only thing is that might just make her more subtle so your son doesn’t tell you things.

But it’s worth a try and shows you’ve been child focused.

Maybe a text or email saying

“Hi. I overheard you on the phone telling son I am a bad person and now he keeps asking me why I’m a bad person and he seems extremely upset about it. So I’m just writing to say it’s very important neither of us say anything negative about the other parent to our son or we could cause him serious harm - he is bonded with boyh of us and loves both of us.

As the adults we should seek to resolve any differences of opinion between us or via mediation , and protect our son from feeling in the middle.

I think ongoing that he will always want to spend plenty of time with both of us, which is normal.”

So you keep this tone throughout- calm reasonable- in emails, in court applications. That’s how you achieve an order.

Showing you’re the one that’s trying to resolve things not getting into a conflict game.

I doubt the court would be impressed if you said she’d been sectioned over being suicidal in the past as that could be using a distressing period of her life against her. Depending on what led to her feeling suicidal .

I totally get you - it’s very worrying. But she might win if Cafcass think both of you are accusing each other.

 

[Ash]

Having said all that I suggest you contact the Mankind Initiative- they give support for abused men and msy have some tips for court too .

 

[dad785]

Thanks for the advice Ash. I appreciate it and that really helps me.

I've done a lot of reading and research into what is most beneficial for our Son and the general opinion that 50 / 50 is best and people in my situation seem to favour a 2-2-5-5 arrangement, so I will submit to this the court.


I'm still a little confused with the steps and timeline in which things will happen. Am I correct in thinking;

* I submit the C100.

* The courts receive it. And my ex-partner receives a copy.

* The courts look over the application and set a date for a hearing.

* Hearing

* Online safeguarding meeting with Cafcass

* Hearing

* Decision


Is this how it works?

I'm a little confused as so many people have told me to keep records/diaries of her abuse and to take screenshots as evidence. At what point do I present this? If at all?

 

[StayStrong]

Other than switching 1st hearing to after CAFCASS communication, that is correct.

The second hearing you list may be a final hearing, but it may need further DRA'S between times ie S7, reports of experts, etc, etc. Only final hearing is evidence produced/submitted and subject to cross examination. Don't be phased with what is written above, just be strong and on the ball.

For eg: I'm now a few days short of my 1st DRA two years ago. And this was after an original Final Court Order beforehand. In the last 2 yrs I have been back to Court 7 times ("hearing" in your description). And despite a Final Hearing being listed for three months ago....that was vacated and I will now have at least another DRA before Final Hearing is re listed.

Shit procedures, extremely costly and stressful, but.....Stay Strong

 

[dad785]

Thank you Brother.

I've just emailed the mediators asking them to sign off my C100 and I'll get this to the court by the end of this week.

 

[Kyle]

My own process went like this, for reference:

1) Submit C100 asking for CAO - Be careful what you put in this. Try not to be tempted to use it to dish the dirt. Even if there's lots to dish. Keep it polite, professional and concise to your request keeping focus on child/rens needs . Its quicker to email it to your local county Family Court once complete.

2) Family Court receives it - It will be reviewed by court legal advisors and put before a Judge who will approve.

3) The C100 will be sent back to you in the post, usually in a big white A4 envelope, with information about your first hearing. Format and date. Remote via video-conference or in person in court. Typically via MSTeams these days. You will be assigned a case reference number. Your ex will receive the exact same letter. Lead time from application to notification will vary depending on region. Mine took 3 weeks.

4) You should receive contact from CAFCASS at some point leading up to your first hearing. This could be via email with a link to prompt you to sign up to secure messaging service Egress. This will be so they can confirm your contact information. They should make contact once this is complete to advise that they will call you at some point as part of their safeguarding checks. But it's not uncommon for them to call without warning. Don't be freaked out by this conversation however it unfolds. Be calm, polite and truthful. This will be the Family Court Advisor who will be submitting the recommendation to the court regarding your application.

5) The first hearing will likely be via video-conference scheduled for 1 hour between you, your ex, the Judge and the Family Court Advisor to discuss the why's the whats and the where's. Just because it's a video-conference, making an effort to dress appropriately goes a long way I feel. A shirt and tie will signal your intent and show how much the matter means to you. Sharpening up shouldn't be understated even in the Family Court.

6) The Judge will listen to all parties and depending on who is saying what decide what steps to take next. There isn't a case in the land that isn't tarnished with allegations of domestic violence. Drug and alcohol abuse. The list is substantial. What you need to understand about the process from the Family Courts perspective is they have been asked to assist with a resolution. Their position is, the past is the past. How do we get these two people who are parents to this child functioning with an arrangement that everyone is going to stick to for the sake of that child?

7) The final hearing and decision will all be based on what is causing the conflict and what child arrangements cant be made. The Judge will try to get you to both to agree on whatever terms are being presented by both parties. If an arrangement cant be made the Judge will ultimately make it for you.

Emotions are always extremely high when children are involved but letting go of what drives the conflict and showing the court that your aim is to move forward for the sake of your child provides you with a much stronger chance of getting the result you want.

Feeding the flames of conflict could make the court decide to keep the antagonistic parent at arms length for the sake of the child so you have to be prepared to swallow a lot of personal hurt to make this work for you.

And important rule below to avoid any ticking off from the judge is to always make sure you abide by the Family Procedure Rules when submitting information to the court.

Family Procedure Rule 5.7, Practice Direction 5C requires any communication between a party and the court must be copied to, the other party or parties or their representatives and must state on its face that it is being copied to that person or those persons before it can be considered. This applies unless there is a compelling reason not to copy correspondence, which may be because there is another court order which prevents communication, there is a confidential address or for safety reasons, or the correspondence is a routine or administrative. If an exception applies, please state which exception applies.

 

[Ash]

C100 Submitted

Processed by the court and court papers sent to you and ex (ex receives a copy of your C100 plus a C7 form for her to respond on - ie her response to your application). Court papers will have a date for the next hearing.

Court sends you a copy of her C7 when they receive it.

Meanwhile you get email or letters from Cafcass about a telephone appointment.

Telephone interview with Cafcass

Safeguarding letter sent to you by Cafcass (sent to you, ex and court)

Cafcass letter might recommend what happens next - eg mediation, SPIPP courses, straight to first hearing, or fact finding hearing or whatever.

These days the first hearing (the date listed in the court papers you receive) is usually a Gatekeeping hearing - just Cafcass and a Judge and no parents. This is supposed to speed up the number of cases going through courts, but actually adds another stage/some delay.

After the Gatekeeping hearing more court papers will be sent out saying what will happen next (bearing in mind what Cafcass have recommended). And a date for first hearing (assuming there's no fact find hearing).

So first hearing you attend is FHDRA (First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment) - usually by videolink these days. The idea is it's an opportunity for agreement to be reached for a consent order. They might do an interim order at this hearing if it's requested, but these days there are less interim orders being made because the hearing might be taken by a Legal Adviser rather than a Judge.

They will say what happens next - could be a) straight to final hearing b) a section 7 report first - those are the usuals.

The idea is to get to the final hearing - which is where you can present evidence via a full statement with attachments - cross examination takes place to try and undermine the other person's statement - hopefully your ex's statement won't have any evidence and be full of rubbish - so yours needs to be good - well worded and evidence backing up what you say. This is the hearing you get your final order. How the hearing goes can affect that, but if Cafcass have recommended a schedule then 99% of the time that's what will be ordered. If Cafcass are vague then everything is up for grabs at final hearing.

A straightforward timeline is - gatekeeping hearing, first hearing, final hearing.
In some cases there could be a fact finding hearing (to dismiss allegations), or a further FHDRA if the other side has asked for hair strand tests eg (if they claim you use drugs or excessive alcohol) - but not always - that can be argued against. In some cases Cafcass will do a section 7 report - a more in depth interview face to face with both parents. That can delay things and there's usually another FHDRA after that.

This is one reason we always say - don't say anything negative about the ex. If both parents accuse each other it can take much longer and be classed as "conflict between parents" (ie neither allegation is taken that seriously unless social services have been involved possibly) but all need investigating so it takes longer.

What they want to see from a Dad is a calm, measured, child focused attitude, being positive about wanting to co parent and positive about the ex. Even if you don't feel like that. That way you're likely to get the best order.


Point being, family court isn't the place for a Dad to make allegations - any serious matters should have already been referred to social services, otherwise they're deemed as "mud slinging".

 

[dad785]

Kyle, that is so helpful. Thank you brother.

 

[Ash]

Posted at the same time as the others

 

[Kyle]

I added a section 7.

 

[StayStrong]

We're all in this together!

Hey Kyle, I jumped your gun with mention of S7

SS.

 

[dad785]

Th

C100 Submitted

Processed by the court and court papers sent to you and ex (ex receives a copy of your C100 plus a C7 form for her to respond on - ie her response to your application). Court papers will have a date for the next hearing.

Court sends you a copy of her C7 when they receive it.

Meanwhile you get email or letters from Cafcass about a telephone appointment.

Telephone interview with Cafcass

Safeguarding letter sent to you by Cafcass (sent to you, ex and court)

Cafcass letter might recommend what happens next - eg mediation, SPIPP courses, straight to first hearing, or fact finding hearing or whatever.

These days the first hearing (the date listed in the court papers you receive) is usually a Gatekeeping hearing - just Cafcass and a Judge and no parents. This is supposed to speed up the number of cases going through courts, but actually adds another stage/some delay.

After the Gatekeeping hearing more court papers will be sent out saying what will happen next (bearing in mind what Cafcass have recommended). And a date for first hearing (assuming there's no fact find hearing).

So first hearing you attend is FHDRA (First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment) - usually by videolink these days. The idea is it's an opportunity for agreement to be reached for a consent order. They might do an interim order at this hearing if it's requested, but these days there are less interim orders being made because the hearing might be taken by a Legal Adviser rather than a Judge.

They will say what happens next - could be a) straight to final hearing b) a section 7 report first - those are the usuals.

The idea is to get to the final hearing - which is where you can present evidence via a full statement with attachments - cross examination takes place to try and undermine the other person's statement - hopefully your ex's statement won't have any evidence and be full of rubbish - so yours needs to be good - well worded and evidence backing up what you say. This is the hearing you get your final order. How the hearing goes can affect that, but if Cafcass have recommended a schedule then 99% of the time that's what will be ordered. If Cafcass are vague then everything is up for grabs at final hearing.

A straightforward timeline is - gatekeeping hearing, first hearing, final hearing.
In some cases there could be a fact finding hearing (to dismiss allegations), or a further FHDRA if the other side has asked for hair strand tests eg (if they claim you use drugs or excessive alcohol) - but not always - that can be argued against. In some cases Cafcass will do a section 7 report - a more in depth interview face to face with both parents. That can delay things and there's usually another FHDRA after that.

This is one reason we always say - don't say anything negative about the ex. If both parents accuse each other it can take much longer and be classed as "conflict between parents" (ie neither allegation is taken that seriously unless social services have been involved possibly) but all need investigating so it takes longer.

What they want to see from a Dad is a calm, measured, child focused attitude, being positive about wanting to co parent and positive about the ex. Even if you don't feel like that. That way you're likely to get the best order.


Point being, family court isn't the place for a Dad to make allegations - any serious matters should have already been referred to social services, otherwise they're deemed as "mud slinging".

Thanks Ash.

 

[Ash]

My own process went like this, for reference: 1) Submit C100 asking for CAO - Be careful what you put in this. Try not to be tempted to use it to dish the dirt. Even if there's lots to dish. Keep it polite, professional and concise to your request keeping focus on child/rens needs . Its quicker to email it to your local county Family Court once complete. 2) Family Court receives it - It will be reviewed by court legal advisors and put before a Judge who will approve. 3) The C100 will be sent back to you in the post, usually in a big white A4 envelope, with information about your first hearing. Format and date. Remote via video-conference or in person in court. Typically via MSTeams these days. You will be assigned a case reference number. Your ex will receive the exact same letter. Lead time from application to notification will vary depending on region. Mine took 3 weeks. 4) You should receive contact from CAFCASS at some point leading up to your first hearing. This could be via email with a link to prompt you to sign up to secure messaging service Egress. This will be so they can confirm your contact information. They should make contact once this is complete to advise that they will call you at some point as part of their safeguarding checks. But it's not uncommon for them to call without warning. Don't be freaked out by this conversation however it unfolds. Be calm, polite and truthful. This will be the Family Court Advisor who will be submitting the recommendation to the court regarding your application. 5) The first hearing will likely be via video-conference scheduled for 1 hour between you, your ex, the Judge and the Family Court Advisor to discuss the why's the whats and the where's. Just because it's a video-conference, making an effort to dress appropriately goes a long way I feel. A shirt and tie will signal your intent and show how much the matter means to you. Sharpening up shouldn't be understated even in the Family Court. 6) The Judge will listen to all parties and depending on who is saying what decide what steps to take next. There isn't a case in the land that isn't tarnished with allegations of domestic violence. Drug and alcohol abuse. The list is substantial. What you need to understand about the process from the Family Courts perspective is they have been asked to assist with a resolution. Their position is, the past is the past. How do we get these two people who are parents to this child functioning with an arrangement that everyone is going to stick to for the sake of that child? 7) The final hearing and decision will all be based on what is causing the conflict and what child arrangements cant be made. The Judge will try to get you to both to agree on whatever terms are being presented by both parties. If an arrangement cant be made the Judge will ultimately make it for you. Emotions are always extremely high when children are involved but letting go of what drives the conflict and showing the court that your aim is to move forward for the sake of your child provides you with a much stronger chance of getting the result you want. Feeding the flames of conflict could make the court decide to keep the antagonistic parent at arms length for the sake of the child so you have to be prepared to swallow a lot of personal hurt to make this work for you. And important rule below to avoid any ticking off from the judge is to always make sure you abide by the Family Procedure Rules when submitting information to the court. Family Procedure Rule 5.7, Practice Direction 5C requires any communication between a party and the court must be copied to, the other party or parties or their representatives and must state on its face that it is being copied to that person or those persons before it can be considered. This applies unless there is a compelling reason not to copy correspondence, which may be because there is another court order which prevents communication, there is a confidential address or for safety reasons, or the correspondence is a routine or administrative. If an exception applies, please state which exception applies.

Excellent description of the processes.

 

[dad785]

Thanks. Could I please ask someone to look over my section 5b? I'd like to get this submitted by the end of this week.