Child Approaching 18 - Father not paid a penny

[Nottingham82]

I was wondering if anyone is in the same situation. I have a stepson who is 17. He has lived with me since he was around 10 years old, and is soon to be approaching 18.

The father has never spent any time with the boy, and never provided any maintenance. The arrangement my wife made with the father was that he put money aside for the boy for when he was 18.

Being a few months away from him being 18, the mother asked if money had been set aside as our stepson is at the point whereby he wants a car, maybe he will go to university, and maybe he will want a house. Whatever is needed its the time where things cost a lot of money.

I seem to be at loggerheads with my wife about the situation. I think the father or sperm donor as she calls him has got away wth murder. its not fair on the boy, and I feel like it really isnt fair on him. The boy doenst want to do anything about it and the wife is getting angry at me becoming angry as she says thats the way things have always been and nothing has changed. She says I knew the situation and why am I trying to change it?

I am trying to remortgage at the moment and feel a bit sick they are limiting my borrowing as the father doesnt pay maintenance. Feel like i've gone over and beyond my duties, and feel a sense of obligation to help the boy to my own detriment which my wife doesnt seem to understand. She seems to think there isnt an obligation to provide more to him or help.

We have two other children together, and I have a son of my own and its really diffiuclt as i pay maintenance and when the children are older would buy them a car where at the moment I cant really afford to buy the stepson a car and really nor should I in fairness.

The wife had our stepson at 22 which was very young hence things are not as stable as they should be for a child turning 18 etc.

I wondered if anyone has expereinced anything similar and how they dealt with it?

 

[Kyle]

For all of us fathers who pay regular child maintenance and will do until our children are young adults it is somewhat insulting to all of us as we are men enough to do the right thing. Why anyone would want to avoid providing for their own flesh and blood is a mindset I can't relate to, but then not everyone is empathetic with matching morals. Not wishing to be harshly judgmental!

The first thing that caused me a sharp surge of shock reading your post is the part where you say this matter is causing conflict within your marriage between you and your wife. Don't be at loggerheads over another mans failings. Especially when you have been ten times the man by being the true father figure.

I have never heard of a child maintenance arrangement where a father can avoid the day-to-day costs of raising a child in exchange for the promise of a lump sum at the age of 18. That's the complete opposite of the definition of "maintenance." And, unless I'm missing a significant trick here, the Child Maintenance Service (formerly the Child Support Agency) are unlikely to subscribe to that either.

Has your wife contacted the Child Maintenance Service and put the matter to them directly?

 

[Kyle]

Under a child maintenance agreement, child maintenance is usually paid by the parent who does not have day-to-day care of the child or does not usually live with the child. If this payment is not forthcoming, the receiving parent could launch a civil legal claim. However, this option is expensive and still leaves the issue of ensuring the paying parent complies with the judgment. Instead, where possible, the receiving parent, can approach the Child Maintenance Service, which has wide-ranging powers of enforcement.

The CMS can secure payment using a range of powers, including:

• Ordering the paying parent’s employer to make a deduction from their wages or pension, called a deduction of earnings order.
• Instructing the paying parent’s bank or building society to take regular payments or a lump sum from their bank account.
• Taking the paying parent to court to recover arrears via a liability order.

A liability order allows the CMS to take legal action against the paying parent to recover the debt. They could:

• Negotiate payment using bailiffs, or ask them to seize and sell the paying parent’s belongings.
• Use an ‘order for sale’ to sell the paying parent’s assets or property and take the proceeds.
• Place the paying parent’s debt on the Register of Judgments, Orders and Fines, which will hinder them from getting a mortgage, credit card or loan.
• Revoke the paying parent’s passport or driving licence, or prevent them from getting one.
• Send the paying parent to prison.

When the CMS will act will depend on whether you reached a private child maintenance agreement or if your agreement was arranged through the CMS.

If a private arrangement for child maintenance has broken down due to non-payment, the CMS can step in to collect ongoing child maintenance. This is provided the arrangement was made legally binding via a consent order at least 12 months prior. The CMS cannot recoup any arrears the paying parent already owes, though you could approach the court to enforce the consent order and recover the debt.

 

[uzzy41]

I understand as fathers we pay CMS , however I rather put money away for my child then give it to my ex partner who has for years rinsed me financially.

If I had a choice I wouldn’t pay her a penny, pay maintenance but you can’t see your child

 

[Kyle]

I do feel the same deep down as I know the money I pay is more likely to go on her obsession with false nails than my son and I have caused myself a lot of anger thinking about that. Which only causes me damage in the end. But nobody can accuse me of not paying or doing the right thing. And I know that my son should be fed and clothed as a result.

It is a bitterly merciless situation having to have your wages taken off you while, in parallel, you're being denied access to your child. But that is why we have to fight back with everything we've got until balance is restored.

 

[uzzy41]

My brother paid for 16 years and never saw his children, I rather go self employed then pay my ex .

It is what it is .
Pay cms then pay legal fees when they get free Legal aid aswell

 

[Kyle]

A friend of mine has an interesting story regarding his child maintenance.

His ex was a 'drinker' and he refused pay the former CSA (or her) anything as he knew where the money would go and he was already the one buying the child everything. Every day clothes and school uniforms. Paying for all his school stuff and school trips. Taking him on holiday. Paying for and organising every birthday each year. Having him for Christmas while she got plastered.

16 years pass by and after buying his own house and putting his name on the electoral register, he suddenly receives a letter in the post from the CSA with a demand for £11,000, to be paid immediately, for child maintenance for his child from the age of 2 to 18 years.

He writes them a letter, contesting their calculation of £11,000 in unpaid child maintenance and advises that his outstanding balance is actually £0.

The reason being, he has spent more that £20,000 on his son since his relationship with his mother ended and he left the family home in 1996.

And to back that up, he pulled an old shoe box out of his attic containing every receipt for everything he had ever bought his son as he knew this day would come.

Now that's what you call forethought!

...sorry, we've hijacked this thread!

 

[Nottingham82]

For all of us fathers who pay regular child maintenance and will do until our children are young adults it is somewhat insulting to all of us as we are men enough to do the right thing. Why anyone would want to avoid providing for their own flesh and blood is a mindset I can't relate to, but then not everyone is empathetic with matching morals. Not wishing to be harshly judgmental!

The first thing that caused me a sharp surge of shock reading your post is the part where you say this matter is causing conflict within your marriage between you and your wife. Don't be at loggerheads over another mans failings. Especially when you have been ten times the man by being the true father figure.

I have never heard of a child maintenance arrangement where a father can avoid the day-to-day costs of raising a child in exchange for the promise of a lump sum at the age of 18. That's the complete opposite of the definition of "maintenance." And, unless I'm missing a significant trick here, the Child Maintenance Service (formerly the Child Support Agency) are unlikely to subscribe to that either.

Has your wife contacted the Child Maintenance Service and put the matter to them directly?

No she hasnt she doesnt want to. I think as the father couldnt be consistent in seeing his child from the beginning, then he started becoming aggressive when things didnt go the way he expected to its a position she hasnt wanted to address. So she said she only wanted two things for him to either be consistent in seeing his child, and put something away for when he is 18.

But now he will soon be 18 and received nothing from his father. Its stange too that if he goes to university they still calculate what loan he can receive off the household income even though he receives nothing from his dad.

I want her to claim for the sake of the boy, but the sperm donor wont respond to her, refuses to supply his phone number and only his mother communicates with us who pays £20 often into the boys saving account which he gets when hes 18

 

[Ash]

I think it sounds like a private, informal arrangement, which unfortunately is not binding. You mentioned your wife wanting the Father to be consistent in seeing the boy. Was he? Does he/did he see him regularly?

Personally, even though it's a shock, I would draw a line under it and move on. Understand the financial difficulties but you and your wife have a family and all the kids are part of that. How about the 18 year old starts earning/saving for a car and you agree to meet half the cost. The boy will remember that and value it, more than he will value the relationship with his Dad if that was not very forthcoming.

It's tricky - I know myself and my partner have paid out vast sums for things for my own son - and pay child support. We just looked at it as he is "our" child to support the best we can even if his Mother misuses the child support. So yeah it's like paying twice sometimes. But it's a life.

At 18 though he could be earning at week-ends etc even if still studying. It does come across that you feel a bit resentful to the son - not his fault. Don't argue with your wife. Just explain, kindly, to the boy that with four children and a mortgage to pay, you can't afford to buy him a car but can go part way towards it if he earns the other half. And don't mention his Dad or it'll make him feel like rubbish (if his Dad is painted as rubbish, he will feel like he is half rubbish - let him work things out for himself).

I think most 18 year olds want to drive - could you insure him on the family car for now?

 

[Nottingham82]

No his dad just messages him sometimes, maybe once or twice a year. Don't think he's seen him since a baby except for photos.

We got him insured on the car, so he now has pretty much full use of it.

Will draw a line under it i suppose. Just can't shake the feeling I've been taken advantage of.

 

[Ash]

I think just see him as part of your family. He probably looks up to you and sees you and his Mum as his family. It's not his fault his Dad is not supporting him and is absent. He's lucky to have a good stepdad. Try not to let your frustration show to the boy or he will feel he is a problem. If you look at it another way. His Dad is missing out on those special moments - his son learning to drive, his son's first car - not involved. You will benefit from those special moments and he will be loyal for life as a result and appreciate you. It's not all about money . I do take your point though when you have other kids to support. My view is always - treat them all equal. The last thing you want is resentment between kids. Teach him the same as you would the others. That as there are a few of them, they need to earn things to get the things they want. Your Stepson could get a Saturday job or offer to help you with something weekly to earn a bit of cash towards it. It's very unfair when you pay CM for your own son. But at least you know you're the better person.

So one thing at a time.

University - many parents can't afford that. Some kids study nearer home and live at home as a result. Most of them end up getting a job while they're studying to pay their way.

A house - that's a long way off - he is no different to many other young people in that respect. What he needs is a good degree and a well paid job afterwards.

A car. Well it would be nice to have his own car at 18 but maybe he could just be insured to drive and borrow the family car now and then? While saving for one of his own. If going away to university then frankly a car isn't necessary. A mountain bike might be though! A good bike that is.

I think the best thing sounds like him going away to university (rather than living at home), getting a job to pay his way through, as so many have to, and learning that money doesn't grow on trees. And buy him a good bike to get around and off campus. Plus driving lessons.

 

[Ash]

Just wanted to add - obviously we don't know the history between your wife and the boy's Dad. But playing devil's advocate here - if the Dad had felt pushed out at some point from having much of a relationship with his son, he may also feel resentful about his son having another family and not be inclined to give money to people who are managing it for his son, when he can't do it himself. This is just looking at the other side of it. Put it like this, if my ex moved away and I could no longer see my son, I would not be inclined to pay her a penny! As you say, he said he would put it in account and give it to the boy when he was 18 - and he hasn't. Maybe that is for him and the boy to sort out between them when the boy is older. But many of us Dads object to paying CM when it is not always used for what it's intended for and there can be mistrust and animosity there. For example my ex is much better off than me, as is her husband, and she doesn't spend the CM on my son - and still gets me to pay for loads of extra stuff! I would rather pay for stuff for my son when he is with me - not with them.

I am sure you know all that anyway as you pay CM for your own child and do the right thing. Time and money shouldn't equate. But in a way they do. For all I know he may not have any interest in bringing up his son at all. Or he may just have financial difficulties.

It must have been a shock expecting this money when he turned 18 and it not appearing. But I would just carry on as you are, as a family, and let the boy deal with this with his Dad himself in the future. The boy probably feels uncomfortable asking for money as well.