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Chicken pox, time with cancelled, c u next wed

Resolute

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My daughter got chicken pox on Thursday. Ex cancelled my pick-up for 3:15-6:30 yesterday. Arranged video call on Thurs, really good call, over an hour. DD asked to have video call with me every day she is unwell, mum was in the background. Put the idea to mum, she gave 10 min call on Friday claiming that calls "tire" DD. No further link with DD until ordered video call on wednesday. I'd really appreciate any comments on my first attempt at BIFF:

Dear XXXX

Thank you for allowing ❣️ to have a video call with her father yesterday and the day before (Thursday and Friday). As you know, the call yesterday, was short as requested.

I note your refusal to allow ❣️ any further video calls with me while she is unwell. For the record, I think further opportunity to connect with her father would have been positive for ❣️ as she goes through chicken pox.

Please provide me with updates as ❣️'s condition progresses.

Is she any better today?

Thanks,

Res


As make up for missed time on Friday I am being offered a series of Wednesday slots that do not really work for me. Should I suggest other slots or am I better to try and bend over backwards?
 
Not bad :) I always find it takes a few drafts and putting it to one side so the annoyance doesn't seep in and show or sound critical - it does slightly at the moment. The word "refused". I can see you're wanting it as evidence she refused but there are ways round that without actually stating it. And the best evidence is one that shows you as courteous, even if she is being unreasonable. It's her reply that goes with it that should help. Also the "as you know" thing always comes across as combative - even though that's not intended. My ex puts "as you know" all the time and it always grates me as she sounds pompous. And that's the trouble with the written word - there's no tone behind it. However politely and nicely I write something my ex still sees it as an attack and reads it with a negative tone!

I'd probably tweak it to something like.

"
Dear XXXX

Thank you for allowing ❣️ to have a couple of video calls with me on Thursday and Friday. I kept to brief calls as requested.

I would be very grateful for updates on how our daughter is with the Chickenpox as I worry about her feeling unwell. I understand she will get tired while unwell, as you mentioned. But I do think the support of both parents while she recovers can benefit her. It must also be very tedious for her not being able to do much.

Although the next scheduled call isn't until Wednesday, I would very much appreciate some flexibility at this unusual time, especially as she didn't see me as usual last week. I would very much appreciate another short call on Monday evening. Perhaps you could let me know if this is agreeable and give me an update on how she is doing. Thank you.

Res"

How does that sound? To an outside person reading it, she would be pretty bad not to agree to another call on Monday. Her reply will be interesting. If you get "your next court ordered call isn't until Wednesday" then that's good evidence!

I had something once that came up at a court hearing with Cafcass. My ex, who refused any communication with me, kept my son off school after he'd been here the night before and been perfectly fine that morning when I took him to school next day. Following day he was off school and this was under particular circumstances - without going into details but my ex was excessively hostile at that time towards both me and my son. Long story short I called the school and a welfare check was undertaken.

When I had to return to court some months later, my ex brought this up saying I was harrassing her. Cafcass response was "the Father has a right to know if his child is unwell or not in school".

So Cafcass would look at that email and see the normal parenting side of it. And look at any arsy response and think - she is being unreasonable and not child focused. Not that Cafcass see emails usually but you can explain and it's good evidence in a final statement for why the order needs to be better.

Anyway I'm sure you get all that. Upshot is I doubt you'll get another video call before Wednesday!
 
It sounds much better. You are right, there is still a degree of sniping in my effort. It is hard because my daughter asked really clearly to have time with me every day she is unwell and my ex knows that. It is so difficult to answer an innocent request like that without her feeling either rejected by me or caught in the middle. I just said "is that possible?, I'm always happy to see you."

My experience of sending reasonable emails is that I get no response. I doubt I'll be acknowledged before Wednesday, let alone offered a video call.

I'll go with a slightly tweaked version of your draft.

Thank you Ash
 
That's the important thing - that your daughter knows you are always happy to see you. I think personally, on this occasion, I wouldn't send anything to her. But write a diary note stating that your time was cancelled due to your daughter having chickenpox and your ex refused to allow video calls outside of court ordered time. I did diary notes by writing an email to myself. Heading it "diary note" and filing them in an email folder for diary notes. It means they are date and time stamped so more authentic as evidence than just a typed word document or handwritten thing that could have been done at any time. Also if you don't get the wording right first time you can delete the email and send it to yourself again :). Keep them short and factual.
 
Sorry missed the make up time bit. So she's offering you what kind of slots on Wednesdays instead of last Friday? Video calls? Or actual time. Tbh missing one visit due to a child's illness would need to be seen as just one of those things, with the distance. I'd just accept the Wed video call (if that's what's being offered). But when you say a series of Wed video calls is she intending to keep your daughter away next week-end as well? Incubation period is 14 to 16 days. After that she is safe to go places and would be well enough to as well.

So are you saying this is an open ended cancellation until your daughter is better? If so then a different email is needed. Something like

"While our daughter is missing her regular time with me, due to Chickenpox, I ask please that video calls take place twice a week at a time that is suitable to you and daugher, in the evenings.

Tough time if you can't see her until she's better. But she will be extremely happy to see you when this is over. As your ex is holding all the cards here, just get what you can and keep diary notes.
 
She is offering school pick-up to 6:30 on a series of Wednesdays from June the 22nd, asked me to let her know by next Friday. Wednesdays don't really work and I'm thinking it would be better to have a longer time with her on one of the summer holiday Fridays. She always offers something she does not think I will want.

If she plans on suspending next weekend, she will offer video calls. I read that DD go back about her business once all the spots scab up, 5-7 days.

In december Ex wanted me to take DD on the train for three hours when she was isolating and waiting for PCR test result. Made an emergency application on basis of "internal abduction" as a result. Dad, Know your place! 😁
 
Got a response, she is still unwell and on the sofa watching tv. Surprise surprise, request for Monday was not acknowledged.
 
My son had it when he was about two. He was very sorry for himself but easily distracted out of it. Shame your ex won't allow more calls but she probably feels threatened by it. No reason she can't come next week-end if she's feeling like it. But no doubt your ex will stick to the quarantine period! My rule of thumb used to be - if he's well enough to go back to school he's well enough to come here. Maybe you could send her a gift? Like an itunes voucher or something? I did that during lockdown so my son could buy games for his xbox from me. Or an ecard. Assume she has a smartphone and whatsapp?
 
I asked her what she wanted in the Thursday call and sent one day delivery. She had her fossil dig kit, mineral dig kit and spinning tops by the time we spoke on Friday. She really wants to get back for school assembly on Thursday 🤞🤞looking forward to giving her a hug
 
Ok, super dirty trick yesterday evening. Having refused the Monday video call when I asked on Saturday, she emailed at 5:55pm offering a call at 6:30pm. 1 WhatsApp sent to alert me of email. I was checking emails until end of working day but gave up and did not see WhatsApp. Here is my response to email, sent last night:

Dear XXXX,

I am so relieved to hear that ❣️ is much improved. Thank you for the last minute attempt to facilitate a video call for her. Please call and/or text if you send a message for action at such short notice (35 min). Sorry, I was in the middle of things and missed the WhatsApp. I would have jumped at the opportunity to check in with ❣️.

Please can you let me know if she was expecting me to call, I really want to explain and apologise to her if she was.

Is it ok to have a quick call tomorrow instead? I'd love to praise her for how strong and brave she has been.

Res.

Despite ❣️ being at home all day, unable to leave the house, a call today is "difficult" and it must be left until tomorrow. It was/is so hard not to lash out at various parts of her ridiculous, deliberatively provocative, approach.

This is petty, I struggle putting it on here alongside so many truly tragic tales. But I would appreciate ideas on whether I should go stronger or softer on this. Current plan is just to let it lie.

She is using this to turn the knife. Up until last year it was always me caring for our daughter if she was sick. Is it just me, or is the process itself a form of state enfranchised abuse?
 
Yes let it lie. Resist lashing out - let that out on here. Any communications you send can be used for or against you. Also don't fall into the trap she's setting! For example - it's obvious it was a last minute trick so it was too late for you. By responding, you're giving her the pleasure of knowing it's wound you up. That's how I see it and I learned not to react like that :) .

Yes it does seem like state enfranchisted abuse. All due to the feminist model of training of Cafcass and social workers.

What changed? Why is it no longer you caring for your daughter when she's sick?

It's very hard to keep anger and frustration out of texts/emails - so wait some time before replying. If not possible to wait, at least give it 10 mins and deep breaths. And then remember the BIFF emails - as if you're writing to a business colleague - always polite and courteous and brief, regardless of what they have done and said. This shows you to be incredibly non combative and reasonable.

Your reply was good.
 
"What changed? Why is it no longer you caring for your daughter when she's sick?"

At the beginning of last year - after over 5 being the one who cared for DD most and took time off if she was unwell - my ex threw every allegation under the sun at me with no evidence. Expensive legal gamesmanship was employed to delay and keep evidence to a minimum.

By the time evidence was heard and I was exonerated, the battle was already lost.
 
"What changed? Why is it no longer you caring for your daughter when she's sick?"

At the beginning of last year - after over 5 being the one who cared for DD most and took time off if she was unwell - my ex threw every allegation under the sun at me with no evidence. Expensive legal gamesmanship was employed to delay and keep evidence to a minimum.

By the time evidence was heard and I was exonerated, the battle was already lost.
Sorry to hear that. Similar to my own experience - 8 troublefree years of parenting then she went nuclear. Was there a trigger for your ex suddenly doing that after 5 years?
 
5 is age DD was at the time, 6 now. Relationship with ex was 15 years odd. No obvious trigger, no big drama or arguments. Relationship had been quietly strained for some years, pandemic added to this. As things unfolded, it became obvious there was a scheme going on for at least a couple of years. It was so callous and calculated, no-one would believe her capable of it.
 
Calculated is what they're good at isn't it? My ex is the same. When she goes quiet is when I know I need to be concerned. She's plotting!
 
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