CHANCES I’LL BE RESIDENT PARENT TO CHILDREN? (Ideally 60-40 my favour)

[Nujra Rof]

Hey guys,

Just want to know the likelihood of this. To give you a run down my wife works three days a week (she was meant to go full time last September and delayed it but both kids go full time in September 2025 so no reason she can’t now). I run a small business locally (literally 30 second walk from kids school). Kids are 3 and 4 and both will attend that school from sept 2025. Right now daughter goes to nursery three days that my wife works.

I always drop both kids off to nursery/school then go work, I purposely finish work at 3:20 to pick son up from school and daughter from nursery then go home (from sept 2025 both will be in the same school). I’m with them all the time possible, been keeping a diary. Both kids love me! And I can do everything for them - wife’s 3 days alone working mean she can’t do school run those days even if she wanted to so makes sense I have them more, just slightly.

Wife has indicated she will now not be doing full time work in sept (no idea why other than a financial motive - she thinks I’m richer than I am - true wealth is time as I get to be with my kids all day - she’s quite money motivated I’ve noticed in the proceedings so far, having not even begun and making demands to me).

Any ideas if I would get it through courts/judge?

I’ve attended mediation and she hasn’t as of yet…have an urgent with notice hearing end of Jan for prohibitive steps order and cao (she made threats to take kids and leave so my solicitor recommended I apply right away for prohibitive steps).

Thanks in advance for sharing any thoughts.

 

[bujanin]

Hey guys,

Just want to know the likelihood of this. To give you a run down my wife works three days a week (she was meant to go full time last September and delayed it but both kids go full time in September 2025 so no reason she can’t now). I run a small business locally (literally 30 second walk from kids school). Kids are 3 and 4 and both will attend that school from sept 2025. Right now daughter goes to nursery three days that my wife works.

I always drop both kids off to nursery/school then go work, I purposely finish work at 3:20 to pick son up from school and daughter from nursery then go home (from sept 2025 both will be in the same school). I’m with them all the time possible, been keeping a diary. Both kids love me! And I can do everything for them - wife’s 3 days alone working mean she can’t do school run those days even if she wanted to so makes sense I have them more, just slightly.

Wife has indicated she will now not be doing full time work in sept (no idea why other than a financial motive - she thinks I’m richer than I am - true wealth is time as I get to be with my kids all day - she’s quite money motivated I’ve noticed in the proceedings so far, having not even begun and making demands to me).

Any ideas if I would get it through courts/judge?

I’ve attended mediation and she hasn’t as of yet…have an urgent with notice hearing end of Jan for prohibitive steps order and cao (she made threats to take kids and leave so my solicitor recommended I apply right away for prohibitive steps).

Thanks in advance for sharing any thoughts.

Presumably both kids love you both?

Bad feeling aside why not 5050 for the kids benefit?

 

[Nujra Rof]

Yes both kids love us, but she has a tendency to get angry & shout. So the older one in particular is very anxious around her (even though she can’t see it).

She’s always had a temper issue - about three years ago came at me with a knife so had to call the police and they asked her to leave as she didn’t deny any of it - and when second child was born we had all these extra health visitor checks because of that incident and us being higher risk. That was an isolated incident to that level, but anger and shouting is always there - I’ve just become a door mat, to try to keep somewhat the peace. But she still shouts and now my younger one has started saying mummy shouts at me so it’s time to end it.

I’m not against 50-50 but she is for some reason, says at this age kids should have a primary person that cares for them and main resident home. She’s been saying that for a while, so I flipped it the other day and said ok well if that’s how you feel, what if I’m the primary person. She was gobsmacked and didn’t know what to say, think she thinks as a mother she has automatic rights to what she was proposing. She isn’t keen on 50-50 and I won’t settle for less as it’s not fair, if she pushed for her ideas of primary person than I want to say why not me to the judge….

 

[bujanin]

the some reason could well be that if she is named as the main carer she'll benefit financially.

 

[Nujra Rof]

the some reason could well be that if she is named as the main carer she'll benefit financially.

Yes I suspect that is the motive.

I’m trying to stop that as would be false and not fair. So hence my question, what are the chances…

 

[Oneofmany]

Yes both kids love us, but she has a tendency to get angry & shout. So the older one in particular is very anxious around her (even though she can’t see it).

She’s always had a temper issue - about three years ago came at me with a knife so had to call the police and they asked her to leave as she didn’t deny any of it - and when second child was born we had all these extra health visitor checks because of that incident and us being higher risk. That was an isolated incident to that level, but anger and shouting is always there - I’ve just become a door mat, to try to keep somewhat the peace. But she still shouts and now my younger one has started saying mummy shouts at me so it’s time to end it.

I’m not against 50-50 but she is for some reason, says at this age kids should have a primary person that cares for them and main resident home. She’s been saying that for a while, so I flipped it the other day and said ok well if that’s how you feel, what if I’m the primary person. She was gobsmacked and didn’t know what to say, think she thinks as a mother she has automatic rights to what she was proposing. She isn’t keen on 50-50 and I won’t settle for less as it’s not fair, if she pushed for her ideas of primary person than I want to say why not me to the judge….

Tread carefully my friend. I would'nt discuss it with her anymore. One wrong move will be all it takes for her to go right the other way and any thought of being amicable goes out the window and your in for some very bad food, very bad coffee, a very hard bed and a pretty un comfortable conversation in a little room with cameras and a nice recording device. Your not allowed back home, or even near the place for months and when that goes away, you'll be invited to a nice meeting at the local court house, where you are made out to be a monster and cant really stick up for yourself. This might lead to more time you cant enter the house etc and do other certain things for between 6 and 12 months say.

All the time people both you and your ex know will stop talking to you, give you dirty looks after hearing scant details of whats happened but knowing very well whats been happening with the story line on Emmerdale when they tackled certain subjects which although I agree is important, I'm sure as shit they wont do a story line about some crazy ass lady making stuff up about DA to get free legal representation and trying and get an already broken person who just wants to see their children to delete themselves, all the while being more worried about extracting as much money as possible out of their ex (Who's already providing for the children) and the government whilst trying to do as little as possible rather than whats best for the children.

Have I missed anything?

 

[Ash]

Not a chance - sorry. It'll either be lives with Mother or 50/50 shared care. The just don't give sole "lives with" orders to Dads - unless the Mother is deemed a danger to the kids by social services - and by that it would be seriously alcoholic or drug using and kids removed by social services.

If your wife says no to 50/50 shared care then you'll have to make a good case for it to the court, so the court are more likely to order it, whether your wife agrees or not. But raising allegations about your wife and things she has done, are going to harm, rather than help your case. Because that's criticising the Mother of the children and frowned on. The fact she may mud sling and all sorts - is par for the course - it's not a fair playing field. You should have a good chance of 50/50 though - providing you keep everything child focused and are positive about the Mother and positive about co parenting. That's the way it works.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Not a chance - sorry. It'll either be lives with Mother or 50/50 shared care. The just don't give sole "lives with" orders to Dads - unless the Mother is deemed a danger to the kids by social services - and by that it would be seriously alcoholic or drug using and kids removed by social services.

If your wife says no to 50/50 shared care then you'll have to make a good case for it to the court, so the court are more likely to order it, whether your wife agrees or not. But raising allegations about your wife and things she has done, are going to harm, rather than help your case. Because that's criticising the Mother of the children and frowned on. The fact she may mud sling and all sorts - is par for the course - it's not a fair playing field. You should have a good chance of 50/50 though - providing you keep everything child focused and are positive about the Mother and positive about co parenting. That's the way it works.

Wow! Thats so unfair!

So I’ve got a first hearing end of Jan - on the basis she won’t come to an agreement as honestly feel like she’s moving all parts to have slightly more in her favour than 50-50 (probably for the financial reasons).

How long till it’s finalised by a judge? As in are there one more hearing, two more etc.

The stress of that is killing me…

 

[bujanin]

Wow! Thats so unfair!

So I’ve got a first hearing end of Jan - on the basis she won’t come to an agreement as honestly feel like she’s moving all parts to have slightly more in her favour than 50-50 (probably for the financial reasons).

How long till it’s finalised by a judge? As in are there one more hearing, two more etc.

The stress of that is killing me…

At this point you have so many unknowns it doesn't seem to be possible to say how long but it could be a year. It doesn't read like you'll get it resolved in January if there's a PSO to be considered.

Your kids are in your life though with no restrictions right? So that's a massive plus. As Oneofmany said, try not to escalate things and if you could keep a lid on the bad feeling it's more likely to cost less and be done sooner.

 

[Ash]

Average is 6 to 9 months I think. It can be quicker. If agreement can be thrashed out for a Child Arrangements consent order before one of the hearings then it goes no further. It could drag out longer if you make allegations though as then there might be a fact finding hearing as well.

If you think about it, 50/50 is the best solution - then the kids live with both parents and neither is the main "resident" parent. And Child Maintenance doesn't come in to skew what people want.

And yes it is unfair.

This next hearing willl probably just deal with the PSO. Although there is a chance of thrashing out agreement for a CAO in the negotiation time before seeing the Judge - barristers are good at thrashing out agreements and warning both parents it could drag on and get expensive if they don't agree. So even if your ex isn't budging at the moment, then if she has a lawyer as well, the two lawyers will attempt to achieve a negotiated settlement and that then becomes legal and it goes no further. In that situation you may need to compromise. I compromised on less than 50/50 providing it was still "lives with both parents" (but every case is different and as you haven't separated yet you have a stronger chance of 50/50).

If that fails, then what's likely to happen at this hearing is either the Judge will agree to do a PSO, or they will accept an undertaking from the ex instead - which in some ways is stronger than a court order, if it's signed on the back - as breaching it can mean imprisonment.

They will then probably list another hearing for the first hearing for Child Arrrangements - and before that you'd have Cafcass phone calls and the Cafcass safeguarding letter. Don't be surprised if it reads badly as ex's have a habit of mud slinging about you to Cafcass. But the important bit is at the end - Cafcass recommendations for what happens next. Hopefully that will be for a first hearing.

Again at the first hearing (dispute resolution) there is opportunity to thrash out a negotiated agrrement for a consent order. If no agreement then it should just go to a final hearing and the court decide after hearing/seeing statements and arguments from both sides.

Unless - your ex makes allegations that Cafcass take seriously then they may order a fact find hearing. Hopefully that won't happen for you because you're still living in the same house so I don't think they would take any allegations too seriously.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Average is 6 to 9 months I think. It can be quicker. If agreement can be thrashed out for a Child Arrangements consent order before one of the hearings then it goes no further. It could drag out longer if you make allegations though as then there might be a fact finding hearing as well.

If you think about it, 50/50 is the best solution - then the kids live with both parents and neither is the main "resident" parent. And Child Maintenance doesn't come in to skew what people want.

And yes it is unfair.

Makes sense and appreciate the guidance on potential timelines. My concern is the wife is now stating she will stay part time as may not get full time hours anyway and hinting strongly at primary carer and she has slightly more time than me - it all seems to be leading to a non 50-50 arrangement in her favour so she has kids longer and then yes can start to claim child maintenance (I strongly suspect her end goal along with the payout from sale of marital home I’ve paid everything for to date).

If she just flat out refuses 50-50 is there any way she will win that if we keep going to court? Will a judge find a reason to award her more time when I’m already so present in the kids lives and I’m both competent and able to look after them.

Lastly is there any scenario we get 50-50 agreement in place and she still claims maintenance? Just as a precaution of anything to look out for.

 

[Oneofmany]

From what I've learned if its 50/50 then no CMS but other may know better.

 

[Ash]

Makes sense and appreciate the guidance on potential timelines. My concern is the wife is now stating she will stay part time as may not get full time hours anyway and hinting strongly at primary carer and she has slightly more time than me - it all seems to be leading to a non 50-50 arrangement in her favour so she has kids longer and then yes can start to claim child maintenance (I strongly suspect her end goal along with the payout from sale of marital home I’ve paid everything for to date).

If she just flat out refuses 50-50 is there any way she will win that if we keep going to court? Will a judge find a reason to award her more time when I’m already so present in the kids lives and I’m both competent and able to look after them.

Lastly is there any scenario we get 50-50 agreement in place and she still claims maintenance? Just as a precaution of anything to look out for.

If it's a 50/50 order, then provided the order is worded properly, there should be no child maintenance to pay. This is a game that requires patience unfortunately and taking one step at a time. Uncertainty is all part of it and it's not easy.

If your ex doesn't agree, and the court orders 50/50 then you need to make sure the final order wording is watertight and no loopholes. If a barrister acting for you writes the order then it should be fine, but when you get to that stage (assuming it goes to final hearing), it's an idea to take a draft order with you set out with the correct wording and including everything you want.

For example if it says Monday and Tuesday with Mother until school drop off Wednesday, and Wednesday and Thursday with Father until school drop off Friday and the order says 50/50 equal shared care, then that should be fine.

But if it says "from school on Wednesday until Friday morning school drop off" with Father and the rest of the time with Mother, I saw one case where CMS said that was less than 50/50 because the child was technically in ex's care during the schoolday on the Wednesday.

The main thing is to have a clause in the final order saying "For the avoidance of doubt, this order provies for a full and equal sharing of the care of the child with an equal number of nights".

So whether or not CMS decide Child Maintenance is payable or not, might come down to the wording of the order so final order wording is important.

 

[Nujra Rof]

So my wife has just exchanged her form e with my yesterday and in there claims her career has been significantly impacted by her being part time for the last five years as she has SOLE RESPONSIBILITY for the kids!!!! Absolutely lie! Worst load of horse sh*t I’ve ever heard! I do everything for them and that’s insane! But she states her peers earn £10k more than her because they could focus on their careers and she couldn’t!

She was going to go back in September full time, we had even started youngest more days in nursery to accommodate this and her and her employer were in talks to arrange her return. She pulled out last minute (& withdraw extra nursery days after starting too). Said she wanted to spend one more year being part time before both kids are five days a week in sept 2025. I said up to you.
She’s claiming her career has been impacted by goodness! And she has now said she is only staying part time in sept next year, even when kids go school five days, not sure if she is just angling for money. But I am going for 50-50 and she made it clear yesterday she isn’t keen on this once again and doesn’t trust me (which was so rich considering I filed for divorce because she is always shouting negativity and angry at the kids!). I do everything for them - drop them off and pick them up from school/nursery and with them 24/7, she cooks 90% of there dinners and so thinks she does more than me! That is her whole entire reason - and she thinks they come to her for comfort and me for fun (I assure you my son cries for me when she tries comforting him if he’s hurt or something and I’m around, he will want me).

Worst form e lies ever really, very money motivated - All angling towards her getting the kids more than 50-50 sadly, me having to fight for this…